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We’re approaching that time in the two week wait were we can fathom testing.  We know it’s too early, but surely women have gotten BFPs at 11dpo, right?  So tomorrow morning I will POAS. Woah!

This time around, the TWW is just as agonizing, but the bigness of what we are doing is much more pronounced to me.  Last time it was all hypothetical: can I get pregnant? Pregnant with a baby. Now it’s all so real.  Another child, a sibling for Mr. E. Another nursling.  A real being that I can comprehend. I mean, I really thought I carrying an alien for the better part of my last pregnancy. I could not wrap my head around it.  This time it’s all very different.

We probably won’t have any conclusive results for another three or so days…but let the fun being!

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The two week wait is just as agonizing the second time around.

As we quickly move closer to ovulation day, it seems as though everything is perfect.

Traveling three hours away from home with a toddler, coordinating where to stay, child care for the insemination, check ins with my midwife, requesting a sperm pick up, registering for the pick up…it’s all done. And I have a day and a half left to pack before we leave!

I have never needed a village more than I do right now.  When we decided I would travel for inseminations I knew there would be a lot to work out, but I could not factor those details into the decision. Surely I would have canceled the plan. But an amazing friend has opened her home and offered her time so that I don’t have to worry about many of the details. This has enabled me to stay in my zen-I’m-gonna-get-pregnant-really freaking-soon-state. My midwife is just as giddy with excitement as I am, and I don’t have to pick up the Popsicle siblings until 8am on Monday! (Previously was told 7:30am!!!)

There is a 50 percent chance the insemination will be with my favorite midwife who is on-call on Tuesday. When she told me this I said: Well I’ll hope for Tuesday and she said, Me too!

So………HERE WE GO!

There are two very new, very big things going on and with a toddler in the house, there is nary a moment to blog about them.

First, A was offered and accepted a job teaching 5th grade.  Hallelujah.  While we feel like we’ve won the lottery, I think we’re both more excited over the health insurance, more specifically severing our relationship with our state health joke plan.

And equally exciting…I am popping C.lomid!  We are on target for a Labor Day insem with our old midwife, in our old town, where Mr. E’s Popsicle siblings live.  I’ve loved having the chance to reconnect with our MW and and over the moon excited to be seeing her again.  Logistics are, well chaotic, but I am zen.  In my mind I’m already pregnant.

I know, I know.  I’ve had a good amount of back and fourth regarding the start of our next TTC journey.  We had decided to use a new practice in our new home.  It was a decision based on logic and not feeling, which never really sits well with me.  As chance would have it, my cycles became wacky — pretty typical of when I get stressed.  I finally faced my fear and decided there is no way in hell I’m starting over with a new practice.  I will deal with the inconvenience of travel & of not knowing what I’ll do with Mr. E while getting knocked up in order to return to my old midwife, the one who helped us get Mr. E.

And like that, the old body started ovulating on schedule. And I felt at peace with TTC. One phone call to my old MW to see if she’d work with us – long distance, one Clomid prescription later, and the game is on for early September!

The timing feels right to me in so many ways.  First, Mr. E, while still nursing, mostly comfort nurses and seemingly gets very little milk.  I was concerned about how the Clomid would affect my supply (it will dry me up for the five days I am on it).  I am not ready to wean him, so the thought of doing something to make it stop brought terrible guilt, but he’s cut way back, thus the milk has declined, and he is content just to suck.  So taking Clomid is no longer a huge concern of mine.

Second, since hitting 18 months, he’s turned a kid, not a baby (although he is still very very very clingy). I can carry on conversations with him, we laugh and play, and everyday with him is better than the one before.  His shift into toddler/kid seems like a natural progression into us moving forward with growing our family.

I am doing my best to stay in the head space needed to start this process again.  The first time we did it,  I believed, somewhat foolishly that I would get pregnant on the first try.  I was full of hope and optimism.  And two and a half years later, when I DID get pregnant, I began the cycle high on faith.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and I believe in Clomid.  We have five shots at making a full biological sibling for Mr. E, and I don’t have any negativity to waste.

Hey remember me?  The person who spent oodles of time writing here not that long ago?  I think of you every so often, I start to compose posts in my head, and from time to time I actually log in type a few lines and then decide I am too scattered to focus.  But you know what I miss you.  A lot.  And I miss the blog community that was so supportive of us as we were trying, through pregnancy, and up until I left you.

Life has been hectic and busy and full. To say the least.

Mr. E turned 18 months yesterday.  He’s at a very fun and entertaining stage.  His words are developing so quickly and his learning just blows me away sometimes. He is still a very clingy boy. Thankfully I have a friend IRL who has a two year old who was (is…) much like Mr. E.  It’s incredibly supportive to be able to commiserate about just how hard it is to have a child who it literally attached to you all.day.long.

Mr. E is still very much in love with my boobs, and I have reached my second breast feeding goal -18 months.  No more goals.  Yesterday was the first time I really felt like if this kid did not stop sucking on me I was going to lose it.  Thankfully be obliged me and took a yogurt drink instead.  (Just saying the word “yogurt drink” bring him to such excitement and he utters “ooooooooooh” in the cutest voice.  I’m not saying that I am going to wean him, just sayin’ sometimes it’s hard.

Mr. E also has not figured out the sleeping through the night thing.  I’d take four hours, but it’s more like two.  I feel like I have a newborn most days.  He does, thankfully love his nap and goes down religiously from 12-3 everyday.

Life in general is flying by us.  A is in the midst of a job search, with one mediocre offer on the table and a very good chance of another, better one.  While exciting, this is causing us a great deal of stress as we wait and pray to the employment goddesses to tip in our favor.

We’re growing vegetable in our back yard and particpating in a local farm CSA, which makes me ridiculously happy.  I also seem to be forever hanging diapers in our back yard and wondering, when can we potty train?

Summer brings with it lots of visitors and that is always fun and exciting.  Living in a touristy area, we have also been taking great advantage of all the vacation-y things to do.  Sunday night music in the park, beach, etc.  If we can’t afford to go on vacation, we’ll just pretend!

We are gearing up to start trying…but still trying to figure my post partum, breastfeeding body and how it ovulates. Soon, I hope. I think if I get too far from this exhausted state, I won’t ever want to do it again with a second baby.

If you are still reading along, thanks!  I hope to be back again soon.

July was going to be our month. I met with the new midwife, A contacted our storage facility. We signed the papers to have our sperm shipped. Sounds like a plan, right? All our ducks in a row, right? Ya, but it seems my body didn’t get the memo and has gone on an ovulation hiatus. So we wait, for an unknown amount of time.

I am trying *so* hard to remain zen about the whole situation. I know from the first time around that rushing things is a recipe for disaster, that timing is everything, and that the baby we will get *someday* will be meant for us and worth the wait.

I do wish we were starting to try, but circumstances are not right. As A and I continue to settle into our new home (it’s been 14 months…), I find the stress of nurturing our new roots taking it’s toll on my body. I know I am blessed with the toddler we have and I know we’ll know when the time is right to make him a big brother.

Yesterday I had my second acupuncture treatment. Before starting the session my acupuncturist wanted to check my balance. Naturally I thought I’d need to stand up, but no, she lit a little stick until it was hot and then held it to my fingers, one at a time, and I told her when I could feel the heat. My left thumb was out of balance with everything else (I am sure there is better explanation but I am not sure what it all means).

My left should had again started hurting- from carrying Mr. E, and she said these things were probably related, so in addition to treating my spring organs (organs are aligned with seasons and I guess it’s helpful to work with the seasons…I am taking it all on faith) we decided to also treat my shoulders.

I love the feeling of the needles going in, and then the tingling sensation as they work their magic. I love laying on the table, relaxing, watching the trees sway just beyond the window. I lie there, very aware that it is one of very few moments of indulgence I’ve experience in a very long time; I lie there, very aware that I do not have to do anything for anyone in that moment; for one hour every three weeks, it is all about me.

When it’s over my acupuncturist checks my pulses (she also does this before we start) and they have always changed and are in sync with each other, which is a sign that the needles are working. I leave there feeling light and airy. Maybe it’s because I’ve just spent time doing something for myself. Or maybe the acupuncture is doing something to me. Or probably it’s a little of both.

Deciding to do long distance inseminations has been difficult and naturally makes me second guess our move. Although one afternoon of seeing how excited Mr. E is to see his cousins, and they him, and I know we made the right choice. Sometimes the right choice isn’t easy though. And as we’ve decided our plan of action, I’ve longed for our old town, and all that was familiar and supportive (and dare I say easy?) of our ttc journey. Yesterday I spent the morning with several of my new friends here- talking while our children played near by. And then I went to acupuncture (which is also done by a friend with in my mothering circle). And as I left her house, I felt the inner weave of our community here. I felt held and supported by the women I have come to call friends.

And as I looked to the internet, I felt supported by your comments, and was lifted by the generosity of blog friends living in our old town who have extended their homes to us as we embark on our long distance ttc journey.

The support and friendship I have on-line, in our old town, and in real life are what are keeping me balanced. When I begin to stress, I am lifted by the hope and generosity of all the people near and far who are playing a role in our journey. I am trying to stay calm and open, and I am letting the love in.

Today was the day we were supposed to meet The New Midwife.

Eight weeks ago I scheduled an appointment and arranged childcare so that A could come with me. As we were driving to Maine last Friday I received a phone call from the TNM’s office informing me they needed to reschedule…EIGHT freaking weeks ago…and just like that – nope, sorry you don’t get to come in! If she were not the most reputable midwife in this area, I swear I’d been looking for a new one… My appointment is rescheduled and *I’ll meet her in FOUR weeks.

(*A will have to stay home to watch E.)

Up until the phone call on Friday we were still on the fence about involving TNM to get pregnant and I wasn’t making a solid TTC plan until we met her, and figured out how the logistics would play out if we used her to TTC.  But now we’ve pretty much decided to use our old midwife, which will be  a logistical nightmare and involve lots of travel for inseminations. But at the same time, I will have all my care under one person, where as with TNM there would be lots of people involved. Mr. E and I will crash with friends where we use to live for a night or two every cycle. And this is where I start to stress…

I don’t really want to deal with friends knowing that we are TTC. It just adds a layer of stress. And I am not so sure I really want to call up an old friend once a month and say “hey can my baby and I stay with you tonight? I’m ovulating.” I am sad that A will not be by my side, as she was for every insemination and prenatal appointment.  I also don’t really love staying in hotels with a baby. Baby bedtime = lights out.

I am trying to be so zen about the whole process. I have made a pact with myself not to become the crazy, TTC, loony woman — that I once was. I’ve told myself that I will not go to the same lengths to get pregnant that I did with Mr. E. I am *TRYING* to be satisfied with the blessing that I already have.

It’s not easy.

I am starting to get frustrated with the process. I am resentful, YET AGAIN, that the act of becoming pregnant involves other people. I am stressed about the details. We have no more than five shots with Mr. E’s donor (less if we do more than one insemination per cycle). I am trying to think of the travel inseminations as temporary. I’ll do it so long as we have sperm in storage in our old town. Then reassess, if needed.

I want so much to be prenant again. To have one more child. To give Mr. E a sibling. I WANT IT SO BADLY. And some days, I just don’t think I am strong enough to do it.

Recently it seems as though we are finally reaching some semblance of balance in our not-so-new-anymore role as mothers. E is almost 14 months and somewhere around 13 months A and I started coming out of the cocoon we’d built. The first year is becoming a blur, and when I recall the memories, I don’t know how we got through it. But I we did.

E is becoming such a little kid. He is so opinionated and at times can have a hard time sharing his toys- especially with his cousins. He’s started walking and he using many signs to communicate his wants and needs. He JUST started eating real food last week. He’d been hot and cold with food since we introduced it at 6 months. But he is serious about it now. It’s as if a switch flipped and there is no turning back. He eats everything we eat, and he does it with great enthusiasm. He is also still very serious about breastfeeding…

Our nights are very hard. E is still co-sleeping and nursing all night long. The other night he woke and nursed six times (between 10pm-6am). The very next day I decided it’s time to night wean. Tonight was supposed to be the first night, but by some miracle he only woke to nurse once last night and did not nurse to sleep (but woke a few other times to cuddle). It’s as if he knew, and was following the method I am going to employ. We’ll see how the next week or so goes. It’s time – I am beyond exhausted and now that he’s eating food, he does not need to nurse overnight. I will gladly continue to nurse during the day.

A and I have begun to remember what it’s like to be adults – independent of our child. We’ve gone out with friends, we even stayed out dancing till midnight recently (and I am pretty sure I forgot I had a son at home…it was amazing to feel like “just us” the way it used to be – even if only for a few hours). We’re making summer plans that include a four day camping folk festival adventure. In short: we’re out of the ball and chain baby stage. We’re so excited to spend the summer in the outdoors with E, at the beach, riding bikes on the bike trail (he in the baby bike seat), walks in the state park…the warm weather can not arrive soon enough!

Some days I think we’re nuts for starting the TTC process all over again- right now- but it makes sense in our grand scheme. Midwife appointment is less than two weeks away! I’ve already started acupuncture and am quasi charting this cycle. Next cycle—full on charting. We’ll know more after meeting with the new midwife when we’ll actually start. I’m guessing late spring/early summer. And so it beings…

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