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Its been one year since the IUI that worked! What an amazing year!

It’s hard to believe A and I have already had “when will we start ttcing for #2 discussion” but we have.

There is a part of me that is still wounded from ttc. I want nothing more than to give Mr. E a sibling, but I am also being very protective of myself. I’ve caught myself living everyday as if it’s the only time I’ll experience whatever stage he’s at. During our quiet moments, when I am talking to him, I tell him how much we love him, how hard we tried to get him, how much we want to give him a sibling, but that if it’s not meant to be, we will be forever blessed by him.

My anxiety about ttc #2 is compounded by our move. I love my midwife, doula, and hospital. I am trying to wrap my brain around how this will work in a new location. As it is, when we move, our sperm will stay behind in storage, because we don’t know a place to store it closer to where we’re moving.

I hope more than anything that I will experience childbirth (at least) once again (and I may even try to enjoy the pregnancy…). So in about a year’s time, if all is well settling into our new home, we’ll be back in the game.

This weekend was sucktackular!

No blood yet, plenty of PMS signs. Saturday and Sunday were spent balling my eyes out. Not sure how I became so emotional, but every little thing made me cry. Just when I thought I’d gotten myself together, I’d start again. The most puzzling episode was when I cried after breaking a mug. It was an accident, and also was my favorite pottery mug, but not crying worthy. I was so sick of myself and my home that I ended up leaving Sunday to hang out with a friend. That made all the difference in the World. Four hours passed with out any crying and when I got home A. and I were able to talk about how the weekend had gone horribly wrong. And, I’ve stopped crying. Which is a really good thing, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it to work today if it continued. For now we wait. Usually A. takes me out for dinner when the blood shows, but this time I’ve asked her to take me out for martinis at my favorite martini bar. I may even have two, one as my main course and the next as my dessert!

Yesterday I felt crampy, period crampy. Usually in the days before my period, I get dull cramps in the wee hours of the morning. Today, the same cramps palgued me around five am. So much so that I could have taken ibuprofen, if only I weren’t so lazy and didn’t want to get out of bed.

Instead, I lay there, knowing I am not pregnant. Sad. Tired. Really so tired, not because it was 5am (I went to bed at 9:30), tired of this. Tired of all the emotional work. The start of my cycles, the drugs, temping, the ultra sounds, the opks, the monitor, the phone calls to the midwives, the iuis. Tired of thinking it could work, tired of spending two weeks waiting for the news I so desperately want, tired of never getting that news. Tired of crying.

I am so tired of having so many people involved in this process. They are all great, but I am not sure I have articulated the added stress. I hate to inconvenience people, and that’s what I do every month. I need to be fitted in, when I need it. Not because I am a bitch, but because ovulation has its own schedule. I am sick of fighting with the receptionists at the MWs office, me insisting I need to speak to a MW today. I am tired of buying sperm. $7,000 and counting. SEVEN THOUSAND! And that does not include, all the sticks: monitor, opk, and pregnancy tests. Nor the monthly storage fees. And you know what, seven thousand dollars is nothing compared to what we’ve paid emotionally. I bet we’re into the millions now.

I know it isn’t over till I bleed, but I am not a fool, I know my body. I know all too well which days leading up to bleeding I: break out, start cramping, and have sore breasts. How couldn’t I, I’ve been charting for eons. And then there’s that holiday tomorrow. A holiday I’ve never really cared about. Always recognized my mother, but kind of thought it was a weird holiday, so why am I so sad that it’s passing? Yet another holiday that makes me sad. Just like the previous two Christmases. It’s the passing of time, these holidays are like anniversaries that remind me I am still not pregnant. And I had really hoped for the ultimate mother’s day gift this year.

I may need a break. I don’t want to take a break. Breaks are part of why this is taking so effing long. I will try again next cycle since it’s the third cycle post HSG and thus my last extra fertile cycle, not that that’s made any difference so far. Then I may need to take the summer off.

Yesterday, at 7dpo, I had possible-maybe blood appear in the toilet. I had cramping. And a zit broke through.

The angel on my shoulder says, the blood and cramping are sure signs of implantation. The devil on the other shoulder, mocks me, are you nuts, you’re not pregnant. No way. And this here zit arrived on cue to let you know that your not.

So we wait. Test day is Tuesday. I do feel a lot more bloated this cycle than I’ve been before. But I know not to read into anything, because my mind can convince me anything is a sign of pregnancy while in the tww.

There is nothing like taking your temp the morning after an iui and seeing a spike. Nothing. Absolutely nothing! (Let’s not talk about the monitor peaking this morning, I hate that thing, ever since clomid, opks are way more reliable!) My work is done for this cycle, now I have to leave it into the hands of a higher power. So glad to sit back and relax, the days leading up to ovulation are so stressful.

I have this friend who I met about three years ago. We remained more acquaintance-like for the first year we knew each other and then all of a sudden became very connected on some weird spiritual level. I can’t really explain our friendship, but we equally nourish each other and have had some freaky connections. He’s truly a very special person and our connection is unexplainable.

Last night I dreamt of him. He came into the dinning hall where I was eating lunch, wearing an outfit that he wore when I last saw him in February. I was not expecting him, and was overjoyed to see him. We hugged for a long time and given our height difference and the tenderness of the hug, he lifted me off the ground. I felt so totally embraced, and so loved, and so happy all at the same time. As we started chatting he told me his sister in law had her baby.

Now, I am not a person to remember my dreams and this one connected me to him in a way that made me feel I needed to call him today. I rang him and told him of my dream. He replied how interesting my dream was because he’d conducted a whole dream ritual last night, drank teas and burnt herbs and fell into a deep deep slumber and was able to wake and write about the experience. He also confirmed that his sil had her baby two weeks ago.

I can’t help but hope that my dream connection to him is all part of the magic that will result in pregnancy this cycle. I’ve really taken a whole new approach this time around and I’ve done a lot of self care and also feel like I may be ready to actually get pregnant, where as before, it scared the hell out of me (and I am sure it will again). I’ve tried to put myself out to the universe, to accept the love, support, and help of all those rooting for us, to let go of trying to control it, and above all else, just be.

I’ve never had more hope than I do right now. I’ve never felt so at peace with a cycle as I do this one. From the time I told this friend that I was ttc, he’s always said, “relax and send the vibe that your body is a safe place and is ready to grown and nurture life.” We’ll I’m finally there and he was with me in my dreams.

T minus 2 hours until the iui, so I am relaxing, sipping a glass of red wine, and above all staying zen.

CD 16, 5am – I wake up, an hour early, and know that I should take my temp now even though it’s early because moving around will give a false reading. After several attempts to see if I really turned it on, I get my reading, 97.1 (f). A wave of relief washes over me, I have not spiked yet. As I make my way to the bathroom to poas for the monitor, I feel giddy, I always get that “christmas morning” feeling when I think my monitor will peak. I even wait with it for the full five minutes instead of bringing it back to bed with me. All for what? A “high” reading, so I open an opk (I’ve learned to always pee in a cup and never toss it till you are done dipping sticks). I waited for the opk results. Almost, positive, like the two yesterday.

I crawled back into bed. A. asks, “did you peak.” And I give her the bad news. Five minutes later she asks, “do you still want me to go get the sperm?” I reply, “I don’t know.” I think we have the same middle of the night conversation every cycle. She decides she’ll go with her plan and get up at 7 to call the lab then go get it. (A has taken sperm fetching on as her job through this process.)

I overslept and rushed out of bed to jump in the shower. My life revolves around four hour increments this time of my cycle and I realized I could take and other opk at 9am…if I can wait that long! I made it through my shower and then figured it would be fine to test at 8:15 instead of 9. Holy effing +opk! Relieved to have tested again so I had some real news to give my MW when I phone in at 8:30. We made a plan that I will have her paged at 4:30 and we’ll make a plan for time and place for the iui. Of course, this is the one night I was supposed to work this week…but what can ya do?

So, the monitor did not peak, my temp went down… last clomid cycle looked the same, so I except a +opk tonight and a peak in the morning with ovulation sometime tomorrow (I am convinced my LH surge comes within 12 hours of ovulation, I am a freak of nature). My MW is on call tomorrow, so she’ll do the IUI if it’s tomorrow, which is so great. But I am not getting too excited yet.

Also…our lady from DSS called to set up our initial safety inspection! She’s coming next Monday!!!! Oh my Goddess! Good thing we just got our carbon monoxide detectors installed last week! Those that have been through this, please tell us what to expect. It’s just the first home inspection, but i have no idea what she’s looking for.

All of a sudden I feel crazy for ttc and pursuing adoption, but I know it’s the best thing for us right now.

Edited to Add:
I POAS just now and a second line is showing up…the surge is on the way!!!! 🙂

I went back to for a cd14 ultrasound today. I only have one good follie and it measured in at 2.6cm (what happened to the other two?). It could pop any time, or it could grow another cm, like last time! And since my opks and fertility monitor have yet to detect my LH surge, I’d say that little eggie is hanging in for little while longer. I guess my body just refuses to ovulate before cd16. So we wait. I just spoke with my MW and she’s betting I’ll get a peak on the monitor tomorrow morning. I want the tww, I hate the stress leading up to a perfectly timed IUI!

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