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This post has been a long time in the making and may explain the radio silence around here.

Our little W is almost five months and it’s only been in the last month or so that I’ve really connected with her, liked her, wanted to be with her.

Postpartum this time was h.a.r.d. After her most amazing birth, I was shocked that I could not connect with her. That her cries made me so angry that I often fed her and then passed her off to A, who thankfully was home for three months with us. I am certain I would not have made it here, without having her home in my dark postpartum days.

So many times I wondered what we’d done, why we had her?  And even wished we didn’t. I wondered why Mr. E’s infancy seemed to joyous when I was so miserable this round? All the while I was coping – getting out of bed, taking care of my kids. I had incidents of crying, well beyond the “baby blues.” I’d cry and cry and I knew it was the damn hormones. And that made me even angrier. I was enraged that hormones could cloud this time precious time with my new baby. Moments I would never get back.

A was patient. She let me sleep in every single day over the summer – getting up by 6am everyday with one or both of the kids. She’d take her turns at night when my efforts only reduced me to tears.

By almost three months W’s sleep was amazing and she and I were connecting. This was about the time A went back to work (I am not sure if I ever followed up from the laid off post, but she was rehired). I am not sure if it was life forcing me to finally be the full-time provider of two children or if her return to work coincided with my hormonal shift but ever since we resumed our fall routine, things have just gotten better. I am no longer overwhelmed by the thought of spending my days with two, instead of one. The crying fits have passed, and most days are really great.

I wanted so much to write in the dark days after W’s birth and I think I even did but nothing I wrote was fit for publishing. I hope that now that I am on the other side, and that “it’s” out there, that I will want to resume more regular posting here.

Now every day is such a joy with W. She is the happiest baby I’ve ever known and most people tell me so. She loves her family, is thrilled with her big brother, and so easily goes with the flow. Make me want a third…but I worry I could be pressing my luck!

4 months, and we're in love

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Let’s just say loving my postpartum body has not always been easy.

While I was pregnant, and once I was past the first trimester hell where I could not eat anything, I developed an appetite like I’d never known. People who knew my eating habits pre-pregnancy could not believe how much I could eat. I took the eating for two thing serious, and enjoyed every bite!

No one told me that breastfeeding also makes you hungry. I knew I needed an extra 500 calories a day, but I didn’t realize how much more I would want.

My baby was born in January, in New England and we were constantly coated in snow or ice or both. I was home, and hungry.

Whoever said just breastfeed and the weight will melt right off was not keeping my lifestyle.

Recently I got off my ass and started exercising. For real. Kind of the way I did before I got pregnant. As in, sweat drips off my body and I can feel the effects. No more pushing our fancy-pants stroller up and down our road, while stopping to talk to every neighbor. We live a quarter of a mile from a state park filled with trails. It’s a beautiful place to be and as a baby, I was pushed by my own mother over these trails many times. I’m logging 3-6 miles a day of hilly terrain with Mr. E in tow in our jogging stroller. It is a work out.

Since starting this, and trying to eat better I’ve lost five pounds, putting me NINE pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight! I am not dieting. I am breastfeeding, and that is my number one priority over getting my body back. So I still take in the required calories, but I am doing so in a healthier fashion and exercising. I feel amazing. My body forgot how much it likes to exercise. I even tested the waters a little today and ran a portion of the trail. Pre pregnancy, running was my thing.

I am not so naive as to think I will get my body back. There are somethings that will always be different. But, I feel better, and I’m building up my strength. All of this helps to make me feel better and more at home in my new body. And really, that’s what I’ve longed for.

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September 2017
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