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Hey remember me?  The person who spent oodles of time writing here not that long ago?  I think of you every so often, I start to compose posts in my head, and from time to time I actually log in type a few lines and then decide I am too scattered to focus.  But you know what I miss you.  A lot.  And I miss the blog community that was so supportive of us as we were trying, through pregnancy, and up until I left you.

Life has been hectic and busy and full. To say the least.

Mr. E turned 18 months yesterday.  He’s at a very fun and entertaining stage.  His words are developing so quickly and his learning just blows me away sometimes. He is still a very clingy boy. Thankfully I have a friend IRL who has a two year old who was (is…) much like Mr. E.  It’s incredibly supportive to be able to commiserate about just how hard it is to have a child who it literally attached to you all.day.long.

Mr. E is still very much in love with my boobs, and I have reached my second breast feeding goal -18 months.  No more goals.  Yesterday was the first time I really felt like if this kid did not stop sucking on me I was going to lose it.  Thankfully be obliged me and took a yogurt drink instead.  (Just saying the word “yogurt drink” bring him to such excitement and he utters “ooooooooooh” in the cutest voice.  I’m not saying that I am going to wean him, just sayin’ sometimes it’s hard.

Mr. E also has not figured out the sleeping through the night thing.  I’d take four hours, but it’s more like two.  I feel like I have a newborn most days.  He does, thankfully love his nap and goes down religiously from 12-3 everyday.

Life in general is flying by us.  A is in the midst of a job search, with one mediocre offer on the table and a very good chance of another, better one.  While exciting, this is causing us a great deal of stress as we wait and pray to the employment goddesses to tip in our favor.

We’re growing vegetable in our back yard and particpating in a local farm CSA, which makes me ridiculously happy.  I also seem to be forever hanging diapers in our back yard and wondering, when can we potty train?

Summer brings with it lots of visitors and that is always fun and exciting.  Living in a touristy area, we have also been taking great advantage of all the vacation-y things to do.  Sunday night music in the park, beach, etc.  If we can’t afford to go on vacation, we’ll just pretend!

We are gearing up to start trying…but still trying to figure my post partum, breastfeeding body and how it ovulates. Soon, I hope. I think if I get too far from this exhausted state, I won’t ever want to do it again with a second baby.

If you are still reading along, thanks!  I hope to be back again soon.

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My mother is a hip grandmother. She’s always been “young” – she’s a kid at heart. She works mostly with teenagers and knows more about sex, drugs, and rock and roll than I do (and the drugs are starting to scare me – not her using, the kids around here).  She’s in touch with all the latest and greatest, much in part to the kids and teens she works with.

She also goes through obsessive phases. She drives a red VW beetle. So she needed a red razor phone (when they were new), and a red iPod. Well I made the mistake of giving A a red iPod for Christmas last year. And my dad did not give my mother one. He made up for it two months later on her birthday. She got her red iPod and a Bose dock. She dose everything with her iPod. Exercises, weeds in the yard, all yard work really. She loves it. And she loves loves loves the iTunes store. She also uses it to show off her grand kids. She makes albums in her iPhoto (on her MacBook), uploads them to her iPod and is out the door to meet her high school friends – ready to show off the latest pictures.

So far, so good. But, she has crossed into one of my internet haunts, Facebook. Several months back, A and I made a private blog for family to see pictures of Mr. E. We had constant requests from people for new pictures and since we’ve been blogging for a while we knew it would be easier to update a blog than to send emails with pictures. We invited my mother to view the blog.

Next thing I know she says to me, ok my Facebook account is set up so now I should be able to view the blog. Both A and I turned and said, what? She’d heard us talking about Facebook, and some how got it in her head that in order to log into the blog, she needed a Facebook account… So yeah, now my mom hangs out on Facebook, and has even “friended” some of my friends (people I went to high school with and she knows really really well).

I’ve been circling the internet in many ways for many years, and never had to think, oh my mom may read this. Not that I have things to hide, but you know, it makes me think twice before I set me “status” on Facebook now. It’s weird. Very very weird.

Today I am home from work for what I am calling a physical health day. You’ve heard of mental health days? Well today I am home taking care of my pregnant self because I stupidly over did it yesterday. I don’t regret our decision to travel into NYC for the day to catch up with and meet so many of our fellow blog buddies, but if I had it to do again, I would do it differently. Pre-pregnancy I was a go go go go go go type of person. I could push and push and do ridiculous things (like spend 11 hours in a car in one day). You could also call this stubbornness. But now that I am growing a human and have physical needs, not to mention nutritional needs, I just can’t keep that pace. And when I try to keep my old pace, I end up as I was this morning, feeling hung over and run over by a truck, and certainly not capable of going to work and being productive. So I emailed in sick.

We did have a really great time in the City yesterday. We also learned it’s not a day trip. This was only my third time ever to NYC! I’ve never been a big fan of cities – they are too big and overwhelming to me. Yesterday it was really nice to be in the company of so many folks who knew their way around, which made the whole experience so much easier and fun.

We’ve meet several of our blog friends in the past, but I’ve never met so many at once or gathered with that many at once. It was so wonderful to sit and talk in person to people I’ve been talking to on-line for two plus year and to meet some new folks (my bloglines has already been updated…). It was so comfortable and I felt like I already knew these people and yet, in most cases, it was only our first meeting. I wish we had been able to spend more time together. The suggestion that we rent out a floor at a hotel for the weekend next year was genius…(not sure who to credit here) but I second the motion.

On to other ramblings about my life (sometimes I am amazed people read my blog). You’ve read me bitch a lot lately about people always leaving this area for greener pastures and most recently about how we too will jump on that band wagon. Well today another good friend bites the dust. He’ll be moved out of here in two to three weeks. He’s moving on to a truly amazing opportunity that would never present itself here and that will position he and his wife to move forward in creating their family. But he is probably my closet friend here, and just another in a long line of close friends to leave. I am sad he won’t be around for Moon’s arrival. And sad in general that he’ll be gone. I am so happy for him though.

Now I am off to try to be semi productive since I am at home and there are lots of house hold things I could be doing…

I don’t really have much to say and have been pretty uninspired when it comes to blogging lately…

We had a good weekend. We took a day trip out to the Berkshires. I hoped for more foliage than we saw, but it was still a beautiful drive as always. My dad called and said he found a condo we may be interested in and went to the open house. It looks pretty good. I may go down and see it next weekend. It’s in my second choice town (second because I like the beaches in my hometown better than this town). We had our host student over for dinner and she taught us how to make dumplings (yummmm!). I had to work for a few hours this morning. That sucked. Then we went to see a this movie. It was really good. Now Moon is kicking the hell out of me. How come nobody ever told me about this phenomenon called Cervix Dancing?! Ouch.

I am getting more and more uncomfortable and resisting the urge to complain all the time. Sleeping has become painful. Trying to stay on my left side leaves me with a painful left hip and a stiff body. So I am rotating from side to side, even though preggos aren’t supposed to sleep on their right side. I’ve also noticed that every movement just takes more out of me and I get tired quicker than normal. It’s all worth it and I know that. 3 1/2 months and we’ll meet our little Moon and this will all be a distant memory.

My best friend who lives in Alask@ told me she bought her tickets to come meet the baby! I am so excited that she is coming. She arrives a month after Moon’s due date. I would love to have her here for the birth (she’s a L&D nurse) but she can only come for a week so she can’t really chance me going late. It’s just great that she’s coming. It’d be better if she moved back East (nudge nudge, if you’re reading!).

That’s all I’ve got. Now I am off to organize my sock drawer. I kid you not. We bought a bunch of socks and my drawer is a mess and I want to be able to open it and find what I am looking for.

Enjoy what’s left of the weekend.

Happy two year blogaversary to me!

It’s hard to believe I’ve been writing in this blog for two years. I am often shocked at how freely I publish my deepest thoughts on growing our family. I had no idea when I started that the love and support of fellow bloggers would be so essential in helping us get through the darkest times our journey. I am keenly aware that we are one of the lucky ones who after much heartache are now gleefully awaiting the arrival of our child. While my blog has moved from sometimes bitterly trying to conceive to the ups and downs of pregnancy, I remember, just like it was yesterday, how devastating it was to experience negative cycle after negative cycle for nearly two years. I am pretty sure that with out this blog and all of you, this experience would have been far lonelier. Thanks to everyone for all your support over the last two years.

A. and I just returned home from a trip North for her aunt’s funeral. Her family lives about five hours from us. I am five months pregnant. I pee a lot. Let me be clearer, I pee very little, but very often. Our traveling has changed dramatically. We used to get in the car and go. Make one stop. Maybe. Now we stop every hour or two. Not only do I need to stop to use a rest room but also to move my body and keep the baby moving. On the way up I drove, and Moon lodged into me in the most uncomfortable way. Being a passenger on the way home seemed to help because I could move a lot, but we still stopped a lot.

Our time there was as good as it could be considering we went to attend a funeral. And I had a new experience. I was raised Catholic but haven’t really been practicing anything for most of my life. I’ve attended UU churches on and off but never joined any. A.’s father’s side of the family is Baptist. I’ve heard all sorts of things about being born again and saved and all that. But I really had not experienced a service. Until her aunt’s funeral. First, I must say the tribute in the shear number of people, more than 500, speaks to the many lives she touched. And the celebration of her life was quite nice, but there was this one part where the pastor, after paying tribute to her aunt, began down the road of offering his services to anyone who wanted to know more about accepting Jesus Christ into their heart. He let everyone know he’d be available at the reception to talk more to anyone who is ready to accept Jesus. I don’t remember the exact words but it went on for a bit too long and in my opinion, felt incredibly disrespectful to the family. This was a funeral after all. Sitting in the front row, I was trying to behave, but A. turned to me and whispered, seriously? I nodded in agreement. It certainly was an interesting and different experience for me.

Later on, after A. and I returned to our hotel and began talking about religion and spirituality. We were both still pretty blown away at the pastor’s remarks – me more than A. though because she was at one time ‘saved.’ I’ve always struggled with this concept of God. I always rejected my parent’s religion. My mother dragged me to church but I was never happy there and got nothing from it – other than a community, but I didn’t really understand that at the time.

My experience was such that I pushed all religion away. My father only went along with my mother because she wanted to raise us in the church. But as I got older it became apparent that he was not really into it and now I have come to understand that he does not believe in God. He points to certain unfortunate events in his life that he believes would not have happened if there was a God. So for him, the very things that deepen other’s faith have driven him further from faith.

I must admit, I am more closely aligned with my father’s beliefs than my mother’s. I don’t point to tragic events as a reason not to believe, but more of a how do people really believe this stuff. On an intellectual level it does not make sense to me. I think I’ve always wanted to believe in a “higher power” and I am pretty sure that from time to time I’ve even said that I do. But at this point I’ve come to realize I don’t believe in God and I don’t feel spiritual. When I try to understand what people get from their beliefs I really am confused. And please excuse my brutal honesty here, but I think I’ve always kind of felt like believing in God is a display of weakness. Maybe that’s the point. You are surrendering yourself to faith. I am glad to have figured out that I really don’t believe in all this stuff. I think it took all this time removed from the Catholic church for me to really let go of all the baggage and realize I don’t have to believe in anything. And yet, I am still very open to A.’s wishes that we raise our child in the UU tradition. It’s the most open and challenging house of worship I’ve been to. And if nothing else, I think our kids would grow up knowledgeable about world religions, and maybe find some faith along the way. And who knows, maybe I will too, but for now, that fact that I don’t have to believe and that I don’t think I do, is settling in and I am enjoying the clarity.

I created this blog in September 2005. A. and I were embarking on our TTC process, after having had a failed jump start the previous fall. I found myself reading TTC blogs, and blogs in general for the first time. A. was in India at a conference and I had a lot of time on my hands, so I created this blog.

I did share the URL with my two best friends, but I don’t think they read it with any frequency. So I began writing with the idea that no one I knew in real life was reading. I am not really sure if I would’ve done it any different. But I do think some of my earlier posts were incredibly raw at times.

Last spring I told a good friend and co-worker about the blog. He was the only one at work who knew I was TTC and would often help cover me when I was on-call and needed to go in for midwife appointments. We were drinking buddies and talked about a lot of stuff. Eventually I emailed him the link to my blog. It was kind of weird but felt totally cool. And when I found out I was pregnant, he was the first one at work to know…I told him in person before he read it on the blog.

Then a few months later my cousin found me on Fertility Friend. My blog is linked in my FF signature. Again, it was no big deal that she found me because really I’d been tempted to share it with her, but only held back because I was not ready to cross the line and have family know about it. I was glad when she found it.

My cousin then started her own blog, let me introduce you to her. Her sister, also my cousin, found my blog through her blog. She was kind enough to email and ask if it was okay for her to read/comment, and of course it was. But they are probably the ONLY two family members that I’d ever want reading this. (So why do I publish it for ANYONE to access? Good question.)

Since becoming pregnant my two best friends mentioned above seem to be reading more often.

I do think I am a little more thoughtful in what I write knowing that people I know read, but I don’t think I’ve censored myself. I still bitch and rant, and share too much information, and sometimes write with no attention to form.

So who do you know in IRL -that you didn’t meet through your blog- who reads your blog?

A friend of mine, in real life is getting married today – half way across the country. Due to A.’s school schedule we decided we could not make the trip, even though we’ve never been to Ohio! But this friend reads my blog and I just wanted to put it out to the universe that I’m thinking of him and his soon to be wife on their wedding day. I hope it’s beautiful but no too hot, and that the day is fun, sacred, and stress free (ok not possible, but as little stress as possible)! Love to T & K!

Being a grown up is hard sometimes.

Yesterday my very good friend who lives near by told me she may move out of town. Two plus hours out of town. The reasons are complicated and the decision is hard. This is not just any friend, this is my best friend. Someone I’ve known since I was in first grade. We made plans to have dinner last night to talk about it and weigh out the pros and cons, but she ended up sick from thinking about it and couldn’t come. Today we had lunch. Of course what I wanted to say was “No. You can’t go. You have to stay, I love having you here.” But I said none of that. I just asked questions. Tried to help her process the reasons to go and the reasons to stay. I am 99.9% sure she’ll go based on what she said today. But she’ll make a final decision by Monday of next week.

It’s so hard to put your own desires aside and objectively help a friend make a decision that makes you sad (only sad in that she’d be gone, not that she’d be doing anything wrong). I left lunch knowing it will likely be the last lunch break we’ll share. If she goes it will all happen within the next two to three weeks. I know two hours isn’t that far, but it feel like forever after living so close and I can’t help but think having this baby won’t help us travel.

Sigh.

Well two and a half to be precise. No this has nothing to do with the apple seed growing in me, it’s my count down till my summer break!!! Two weeks from this Thursday is my last day of work till August. Graduation was Saturday and the students moved out on Sunday. I love this time of year, when we have the campus to ourselves and we can sleep with the windows open with out hearing students walk below our windows. And the effing bell has stopped ringing – a graduation rite of passage here. After students pass their thesis they ring the bell…and keep ringing it…and ring it in the middle of the night. It gets to the point where you can’t tell if the bell is ringing or not. But now, it’s so quiet so very very quiet! Ordinarily once the students leave we’d enjoy a beer on our deck, but not this year.

I am soooo ready for this break! This school year was really difficult. We opened over capacity with hundreds of students in temporary housing – both on and off campus. I had two new supervises. I also went form having 250 to 500 students. My first on call weekend was the second worst/busiest in three years. Monday morning I turned my pager off for at least three months and waved good bye to the few remaining students. Some how we all made it to this date, when we can start to relax as we try to tie up all the loose ends before heading out for the summer. Per usual I have another years worth of crazy stories but the I think the best story of this year was learning some of my students were collecting road kill to skin and then make a fur-lined keyboard. I kid you not. It was gross. And the carcasses were discovered the same day we had our first adoption home visit, thank god the inspector did not see them!

A. and I are getting away for this weekend. The first of our summer travel plans. In a couple more weeks we’ll head to Maine for A.’s brother’s high school graduation and then on to New Hampshire for a little birthday / wedding anniversary get away. Once home from that I head to the Cape for the summer, with A. joining as she can. She hates that I leave her, but maybe this summer she’ll be happy since she won’t have to take care of my pregnant self so much! Have I mentioned that I am tired and she caters to my ever need? Love that woman.

I took this photo from the local Cape newspaper. It seems as if the last Nor’Easter left part of the outer beach broken. This and other erosion really freaks me out.

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