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There are two very new, very big things going on and with a toddler in the house, there is nary a moment to blog about them.

First, A was offered and accepted a job teaching 5th grade.  Hallelujah.  While we feel like we’ve won the lottery, I think we’re both more excited over the health insurance, more specifically severing our relationship with our state health joke plan.

And equally exciting…I am popping C.lomid!  We are on target for a Labor Day insem with our old midwife, in our old town, where Mr. E’s Popsicle siblings live.  I’ve loved having the chance to reconnect with our MW and and over the moon excited to be seeing her again.  Logistics are, well chaotic, but I am zen.  In my mind I’m already pregnant.

Today was the day we were supposed to meet The New Midwife.

Eight weeks ago I scheduled an appointment and arranged childcare so that A could come with me. As we were driving to Maine last Friday I received a phone call from the TNM’s office informing me they needed to reschedule…EIGHT freaking weeks ago…and just like that – nope, sorry you don’t get to come in! If she were not the most reputable midwife in this area, I swear I’d been looking for a new one… My appointment is rescheduled and *I’ll meet her in FOUR weeks.

(*A will have to stay home to watch E.)

Up until the phone call on Friday we were still on the fence about involving TNM to get pregnant and I wasn’t making a solid TTC plan until we met her, and figured out how the logistics would play out if we used her to TTC.  But now we’ve pretty much decided to use our old midwife, which will be  a logistical nightmare and involve lots of travel for inseminations. But at the same time, I will have all my care under one person, where as with TNM there would be lots of people involved. Mr. E and I will crash with friends where we use to live for a night or two every cycle. And this is where I start to stress…

I don’t really want to deal with friends knowing that we are TTC. It just adds a layer of stress. And I am not so sure I really want to call up an old friend once a month and say “hey can my baby and I stay with you tonight? I’m ovulating.” I am sad that A will not be by my side, as she was for every insemination and prenatal appointment.  I also don’t really love staying in hotels with a baby. Baby bedtime = lights out.

I am trying to be so zen about the whole process. I have made a pact with myself not to become the crazy, TTC, loony woman — that I once was. I’ve told myself that I will not go to the same lengths to get pregnant that I did with Mr. E. I am *TRYING* to be satisfied with the blessing that I already have.

It’s not easy.

I am starting to get frustrated with the process. I am resentful, YET AGAIN, that the act of becoming pregnant involves other people. I am stressed about the details. We have no more than five shots with Mr. E’s donor (less if we do more than one insemination per cycle). I am trying to think of the travel inseminations as temporary. I’ll do it so long as we have sperm in storage in our old town. Then reassess, if needed.

I want so much to be prenant again. To have one more child. To give Mr. E a sibling. I WANT IT SO BADLY. And some days, I just don’t think I am strong enough to do it.

Yesterday I felt crampy, period crampy. Usually in the days before my period, I get dull cramps in the wee hours of the morning. Today, the same cramps palgued me around five am. So much so that I could have taken ibuprofen, if only I weren’t so lazy and didn’t want to get out of bed.

Instead, I lay there, knowing I am not pregnant. Sad. Tired. Really so tired, not because it was 5am (I went to bed at 9:30), tired of this. Tired of all the emotional work. The start of my cycles, the drugs, temping, the ultra sounds, the opks, the monitor, the phone calls to the midwives, the iuis. Tired of thinking it could work, tired of spending two weeks waiting for the news I so desperately want, tired of never getting that news. Tired of crying.

I am so tired of having so many people involved in this process. They are all great, but I am not sure I have articulated the added stress. I hate to inconvenience people, and that’s what I do every month. I need to be fitted in, when I need it. Not because I am a bitch, but because ovulation has its own schedule. I am sick of fighting with the receptionists at the MWs office, me insisting I need to speak to a MW today. I am tired of buying sperm. $7,000 and counting. SEVEN THOUSAND! And that does not include, all the sticks: monitor, opk, and pregnancy tests. Nor the monthly storage fees. And you know what, seven thousand dollars is nothing compared to what we’ve paid emotionally. I bet we’re into the millions now.

I know it isn’t over till I bleed, but I am not a fool, I know my body. I know all too well which days leading up to bleeding I: break out, start cramping, and have sore breasts. How couldn’t I, I’ve been charting for eons. And then there’s that holiday tomorrow. A holiday I’ve never really cared about. Always recognized my mother, but kind of thought it was a weird holiday, so why am I so sad that it’s passing? Yet another holiday that makes me sad. Just like the previous two Christmases. It’s the passing of time, these holidays are like anniversaries that remind me I am still not pregnant. And I had really hoped for the ultimate mother’s day gift this year.

I may need a break. I don’t want to take a break. Breaks are part of why this is taking so effing long. I will try again next cycle since it’s the third cycle post HSG and thus my last extra fertile cycle, not that that’s made any difference so far. Then I may need to take the summer off.

There is nothing like taking your temp the morning after an iui and seeing a spike. Nothing. Absolutely nothing! (Let’s not talk about the monitor peaking this morning, I hate that thing, ever since clomid, opks are way more reliable!) My work is done for this cycle, now I have to leave it into the hands of a higher power. So glad to sit back and relax, the days leading up to ovulation are so stressful.

CD 16, 5am – I wake up, an hour early, and know that I should take my temp now even though it’s early because moving around will give a false reading. After several attempts to see if I really turned it on, I get my reading, 97.1 (f). A wave of relief washes over me, I have not spiked yet. As I make my way to the bathroom to poas for the monitor, I feel giddy, I always get that “christmas morning” feeling when I think my monitor will peak. I even wait with it for the full five minutes instead of bringing it back to bed with me. All for what? A “high” reading, so I open an opk (I’ve learned to always pee in a cup and never toss it till you are done dipping sticks). I waited for the opk results. Almost, positive, like the two yesterday.

I crawled back into bed. A. asks, “did you peak.” And I give her the bad news. Five minutes later she asks, “do you still want me to go get the sperm?” I reply, “I don’t know.” I think we have the same middle of the night conversation every cycle. She decides she’ll go with her plan and get up at 7 to call the lab then go get it. (A has taken sperm fetching on as her job through this process.)

I overslept and rushed out of bed to jump in the shower. My life revolves around four hour increments this time of my cycle and I realized I could take and other opk at 9am…if I can wait that long! I made it through my shower and then figured it would be fine to test at 8:15 instead of 9. Holy effing +opk! Relieved to have tested again so I had some real news to give my MW when I phone in at 8:30. We made a plan that I will have her paged at 4:30 and we’ll make a plan for time and place for the iui. Of course, this is the one night I was supposed to work this week…but what can ya do?

So, the monitor did not peak, my temp went down… last clomid cycle looked the same, so I except a +opk tonight and a peak in the morning with ovulation sometime tomorrow (I am convinced my LH surge comes within 12 hours of ovulation, I am a freak of nature). My MW is on call tomorrow, so she’ll do the IUI if it’s tomorrow, which is so great. But I am not getting too excited yet.

Also…our lady from DSS called to set up our initial safety inspection! She’s coming next Monday!!!! Oh my Goddess! Good thing we just got our carbon monoxide detectors installed last week! Those that have been through this, please tell us what to expect. It’s just the first home inspection, but i have no idea what she’s looking for.

All of a sudden I feel crazy for ttc and pursuing adoption, but I know it’s the best thing for us right now.

Edited to Add:
I POAS just now and a second line is showing up…the surge is on the way!!!! 🙂

I went back to for a cd14 ultrasound today. I only have one good follie and it measured in at 2.6cm (what happened to the other two?). It could pop any time, or it could grow another cm, like last time! And since my opks and fertility monitor have yet to detect my LH surge, I’d say that little eggie is hanging in for little while longer. I guess my body just refuses to ovulate before cd16. So we wait. I just spoke with my MW and she’s betting I’ll get a peak on the monitor tomorrow morning. I want the tww, I hate the stress leading up to a perfectly timed IUI!

A. and I spent this morning with Wander Woman. Today her magic wand found more than a handful of follicles and three that are on there way to maturing- all of which are on the right side. On CD11 they are: 1.94, 1.89, & 2.04 cms. Wander Woman checked the right side first and then as she moved over to the left she said: “let’s see what’s on the left, hopefully for you, nothing.” We all laughed. There were a few wanna be follies, but they probably won’t make it. This is early for me to have follies so close to maturing and I may get three!? Given their size, I’d bet the IUI will be Monday. It seems as if the Clomid is doing its job. And doing it better than last time. Holy Fucking Shit!

I am leaving in a few hours to spend the weekend here celebrating my Dad’s birthday with my family. So you can imagine my heartache when she spotted the 2.04 cm follie! But she assured me, I should be fine to go away for the weekend with an average growth rate of .2cms per day, I’ve got a couple days before they burst.

Today is day four of Clomid, and I’ve had NO side effects. None.

Last cycle on Clomid I was a mess and felt so sick. The difference is so drastic that I am beginning to wonder if they gave me the correct pills. My sceptical side won’t feel reassured until my first ultra sound this Friday.

A. placed our babyjuice order yesterday so our new swimmers will arrived here Thursday in time for insem(s) next Tuesday/Wednesday.

As we gear up for try number 8 (charting cycle number 21) we find ourselves in the hopeful moments. Last night A. said to me, It’s going to work this time. And so started the conversation, yes it could work, but… This led us to talk about the  cycle days that we like (we know how to have fun on a Friday night!). We agreed insemination day(s) are our favorite days when excitement and hope surrounds us. Two dpo is also a fun day, but by 4 dpo we are usually losing hope and find our selves strung out trying to make the tww pass. A. also likes cd 4-6, where there’s no work (I think she forgot about Clomid). She said it’s nice at the start when I don’t temp and don’t poas ten times a day (okay, more like one to four times in a day, depending on how close I am to ovulation). I get what she meant, so I’d say I like all of cd 4 and most of cd 5, but as soon as the drugs go into me on cd 5 night, I long for cd 11 when they are flushed from my system and I return to a normal sane human being. It’s a miracle that we are as happy as we are given we generally enjoy about five days of my cycle every month…

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