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Yesterday I had my second acupuncture treatment. Before starting the session my acupuncturist wanted to check my balance. Naturally I thought I’d need to stand up, but no, she lit a little stick until it was hot and then held it to my fingers, one at a time, and I told her when I could feel the heat. My left thumb was out of balance with everything else (I am sure there is better explanation but I am not sure what it all means).

My left should had again started hurting- from carrying Mr. E, and she said these things were probably related, so in addition to treating my spring organs (organs are aligned with seasons and I guess it’s helpful to work with the seasons…I am taking it all on faith) we decided to also treat my shoulders.

I love the feeling of the needles going in, and then the tingling sensation as they work their magic. I love laying on the table, relaxing, watching the trees sway just beyond the window. I lie there, very aware that it is one of very few moments of indulgence I’ve experience in a very long time; I lie there, very aware that I do not have to do anything for anyone in that moment; for one hour every three weeks, it is all about me.

When it’s over my acupuncturist checks my pulses (she also does this before we start) and they have always changed and are in sync with each other, which is a sign that the needles are working. I leave there feeling light and airy. Maybe it’s because I’ve just spent time doing something for myself. Or maybe the acupuncture is doing something to me. Or probably it’s a little of both.

Deciding to do long distance inseminations has been difficult and naturally makes me second guess our move. Although one afternoon of seeing how excited Mr. E is to see his cousins, and they him, and I know we made the right choice. Sometimes the right choice isn’t easy though. And as we’ve decided our plan of action, I’ve longed for our old town, and all that was familiar and supportive (and dare I say easy?) of our ttc journey. Yesterday I spent the morning with several of my new friends here- talking while our children played near by. And then I went to acupuncture (which is also done by a friend with in my mothering circle). And as I left her house, I felt the inner weave of our community here. I felt held and supported by the women I have come to call friends.

And as I looked to the internet, I felt supported by your comments, and was lifted by the generosity of blog friends living in our old town who have extended their homes to us as we embark on our long distance ttc journey.

The support and friendship I have on-line, in our old town, and in real life are what are keeping me balanced. When I begin to stress, I am lifted by the hope and generosity of all the people near and far who are playing a role in our journey. I am trying to stay calm and open, and I am letting the love in.

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Bear with me here, this is going to be all over the place.

Last mother’s day I was just days away from getting our BFP. And I was convinced it hadn’t worked. I tried as hard as I could not to let it show when I called to wish my mother a happy mother’s day, but in the end that called ended in me sobbing and her telling me, it will work. some day. you’ll be a mother. I had a hard time carrying that faith, so I let her carry it for me.

Today we went to church and it had already been kind of an emotional day. It’s a happy day for us. But it’s also a day when I remember the women who are gone. My grandmothers. And I think of A’s mom and how she’s on the front lines of her cancer battle. And I think of my cousin, who is nearing the end of her 7th TWW (and I’m praying it turns into a 9 month wait). And I am thinking about all of my blog friends yearning to become mothers. Some who started before us, other who started after. And I think of all the women I don’t know who are struggling with infertility. I think of the couple who live at the end of our street, a street that is home to 18 kids. They are both infertile.

I want to overflow with happiness today, but it’s hard when I know how much pain exists around mothering. I was comforted when the minister wished a happy mother’s day in all forms, including to those yearning to become mothers, those missing mothers and so on.

I wasn’t going to post today or about mother’s day, because I really don’t want to rub salt into my blog friends’ wounds who carry pain around TTC. But as the day passed, I realized I wanted to write. I wanted to express my support for those in pain or frustrated with TTC. Even though we were blessed with Mr. E, and we’ve moved into a whole new world of mothering, I still pray for each and everyone one of you to get your BFPs and I get frustrated with “oops we’re pregnant” stories and I get mad when others can do it so easily when I know so many of you who have tried so hard. for so long.

S & E are going through some really scary shit right now. No mother should spend the first days of their child’s life in such panic and fear. It’s just not fair.

28 days till my estimated due date. That’s the same amount of time as a normal menstrual cycle. Woe.

Christmas was great as was spending time with family. More on all of that later. I am getting sick now, which is totally pissing me off because our very good friend is heading into town today to stay with us for a few days. We were supposed to tour the hospital today, but I feel too crappy so we’re putting it off for now. Blah!

In the good new department…Cali may be expecting! As we all say a line is a line. And I can’t wait for tomorrow’s beta!

We’re having a snow day here! And Flipper was born this morning! Welcome to the World little one!

I am loving today. I am in a place between one crazy week and about to embark on our travels for the holiday. But today, A and I decided to blow off work and just be. Stay home, in our pjs, read, blog, and relax. Work thinks we should go in for half a day, we thought otherwise…and I felt vindicated by the fact that in the last two work days I managed to cross EVERYTHING off my to do list that’s been running since October (it’s amazing what two days with out students can do for my productivity)!

The last week and a half was hectic to put it mildly. As I kept pushing to get through it, I focused on this break, this time of regathering. It’s almost better to have a lazy Wednesday than a lazy Saturday! Tomorrow things will pick up again. We’ll wake early to get on the road and make our way to A’s family’s for Thanksgiving. We’ll spend two nights there and do a bunch of visiting, I am sure. But it’s also usually pretty relaxed. We decided to come home Saturday so we’d have Sunday at home before we go back to work. It’s apparent to me how much we need our down time, and I think in our unconscious we know that time will be limited once the baby comes, so we’re storing it up now.

The last week was filled with so much, and I am not sure how to organize my thoughts around it all. First, we had a going away party for our friends who got on the road this morning with heir moving truck to Ohio. I am still not sure the reality has set in. You know, one of the things I hate about being a grown up is that everyone is mobile. Especially now, many are in the stage before settling down, or moving to settle down, and each time another one leaves, I feel left behind. I am ready to be in a place where people are static. The party on Friday night lead us into all day childbirth class on Saturday and half a day Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised that I liked the teacher. She is a former doula and came highly recommend by our midwives. But I was still skeptical because we were taking the class at a hospital I don’t really like (so happy I am not having Moon there). It turned out to be a worthwhile endeavor. We met another couple that live about ten minutes from us and we all seemed interested in keeping in touch, so we’ll see where that goes. I imagine it could be nice to have someone to call up and hang out with when home on maternity through the dreary winter! Sunday morning we had brunch with the Parker Martins. It was so much fun! The twins are so cute and well natured. It was great to talk to their moms in person and connect as we begin to navigate defining our families while sharing the same donor.  And they gave a bunch of really great hand-me-downs!

No wonder we needed today to settle in…we’ve said goodbye to dear friends, hello to new friends, learned all about the birthing process and are gearing up to greet the holiday season.

So many lurkers have delurked lately! It’s so cool! Anyone else want to delurk?

Here are some answers to questions posed in the comments of my last post:

Jen asked how we became acquainted with the Parker Martins?

Some time last year Chris, and I connected over Fertility Friend. It must have been in the TTC with Donor Sperm chat circle. I really don’t remember what initially brought us together but we began private messaging through FF. She realized she had gone to school where I live now so we connected about the area and how much we love it. At that time she informed me that she and her partner, Penny, had a vial of sperm left over they were looking to sell (the fact that we were using the same bank made the offer tempting). We had a bunch of sperm in storage at the time so I passed on buying it.

Months later Chris contacted me again to say they needed to get rid of the vial because they were still paying storage and she hated to just see it get destroyed. At the same time we were gearing up for another sperm purchase as we’d used up all ours. I made her an offer for the one vial and intended to also purchase more of the same donor from the bank. There was a catch. Their vial had been moved into storage off site from the bank and even though they lived near the bank at the time, and would have brought it there and had them ship it with the additional vials I’d buy, the bank refused to ship it. Chris spent a lot of energy researching ways to ship the vial across the country to us. But in the end it was going to cost a ridiculous amount of money. So we had to call off our deal (I could have flown to California and paid for an IUI for less than the cost of the shipping of the one vial). By then we’d looked into the donor and were onto at least our fourth donor, and really all we wanted was proof that the next donor could work. Chris and Penny offered us proof with their two babies! So we went ahead and bought a bunch of the same donor. First try with him and I was pregnant. Thanks in part to fertility drugs, I am sure.

Since meeting on Fertility Friend we’ve kept up through our blogs, but more so through email. We’re really excited to have this connection. A and I were the tenth family to conceive with this donor, so by law, we closed him out. I imagine if we registered our pregnancy on the donor sibling registry we’d be able to connect with more families. I’m not sure that we’ve made a decision if we’ll register or not. I guess you could say we created this connection by using the same donor, but hey, whatever works, right?

Shiba asked how we picked our donor and if we ever switched?

I guess what I wrote above gets to most of this but let me fill in what came before the donor that worked. We first started with a sperm bank in New England. It was close to home and made it a little more affordable. We only used one donor from that bank and moved on when it did not work. Picking our donor the first time however, was painstaking. We spent hours reading profiles and talking about the different donors.

Next we moved to a known donor. We tried once with him. It did not work, and our deal feel apart. So we were back to looking at frozen options. We took that opportunity to look into different sperm banks. A was pulled to the Sperm Bank of California because they are the only non-profit sperm bank and they offered a good number of identity release sperm (donor agrees to at least one contact when the child turns 18). We spent some time, although not as much as the first time, reviewing profiles and finally found a donor we both felt good about. Several IUIs later, we needed more sperm…and that’s when we bought the same donor Chris and Penny used. As I said above, I got pregnant the first try with that donor, so we ordered even more of him. We now have five vials on ice for child #2 (there was a time when I wanted three or four kids…and now I can barely imagine being pregnant one more time!). In general, I think switching up sperm can be a really good thing. Some people say only try three times with the same donor, I don’t think I’d try more than six cycles with the same. You just never know what will work.

Observations from today:

  • Bowling while seven months pregnant is not the smartest thing to do. It was fun, but I didn’t realize how careful I would need to be, or how heavy the balls are, or how much your body twists while bowling. But I won.
  • Moon is hiccuping for the first time (that I’ve noticed). Ok, A noticed it when I told her to come feel because the baby was moving a lot. She’s the smmmmmmart one. Wow. hiccups are cool.

Oh…and I am 30, that’s THIRTY weeks today! Holy crap! This baby really is coming soon!

To S & C. I am so happy for both of you. So very happy!

For more than two years I have come here to spill my guts about ttc and now pregnancy. The early days where filled with other bloggers giving me tips and support as we started this journey and then as things got emotionally rough, you all cheered me on. BFN after BFN, you all were the ones that would give me a good deal of what it took to keep on  going. Your support and education have benefited us in more ways than I can begin to explain and I know the journey would have been far more difficult (and lonely) if it where not for you, the on-line community of support that I have come to depend on.

We’re all extremely free with our words of support through comments, emails, and phone calls. We pull together and send support when it’s needed. And today one of our friends needs more than our kind words. She needs us to pony up some money, now, in order to save her already in progress IVF cycle. I am just one in a long line of bloggers to put a call out for everyone to donate what ever you can – no matter how much or little. You can visit any number of links to learn Cali’s story. But be sure to visit this link and show her your love.

Today I am home from work for what I am calling a physical health day. You’ve heard of mental health days? Well today I am home taking care of my pregnant self because I stupidly over did it yesterday. I don’t regret our decision to travel into NYC for the day to catch up with and meet so many of our fellow blog buddies, but if I had it to do again, I would do it differently. Pre-pregnancy I was a go go go go go go type of person. I could push and push and do ridiculous things (like spend 11 hours in a car in one day). You could also call this stubbornness. But now that I am growing a human and have physical needs, not to mention nutritional needs, I just can’t keep that pace. And when I try to keep my old pace, I end up as I was this morning, feeling hung over and run over by a truck, and certainly not capable of going to work and being productive. So I emailed in sick.

We did have a really great time in the City yesterday. We also learned it’s not a day trip. This was only my third time ever to NYC! I’ve never been a big fan of cities – they are too big and overwhelming to me. Yesterday it was really nice to be in the company of so many folks who knew their way around, which made the whole experience so much easier and fun.

We’ve meet several of our blog friends in the past, but I’ve never met so many at once or gathered with that many at once. It was so wonderful to sit and talk in person to people I’ve been talking to on-line for two plus year and to meet some new folks (my bloglines has already been updated…). It was so comfortable and I felt like I already knew these people and yet, in most cases, it was only our first meeting. I wish we had been able to spend more time together. The suggestion that we rent out a floor at a hotel for the weekend next year was genius…(not sure who to credit here) but I second the motion.

On to other ramblings about my life (sometimes I am amazed people read my blog). You’ve read me bitch a lot lately about people always leaving this area for greener pastures and most recently about how we too will jump on that band wagon. Well today another good friend bites the dust. He’ll be moved out of here in two to three weeks. He’s moving on to a truly amazing opportunity that would never present itself here and that will position he and his wife to move forward in creating their family. But he is probably my closet friend here, and just another in a long line of close friends to leave. I am sad he won’t be around for Moon’s arrival. And sad in general that he’ll be gone. I am so happy for him though.

Now I am off to try to be semi productive since I am at home and there are lots of house hold things I could be doing…

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