I compose so many posts in my head.  In the space between showering and laundry, wiping runny noses and cooking, between brushing my teeth and laying my head to rest at night.  There is so much I want to write.  But for some reason, the thought of logging in here and putting fingers to keys seems like too much work.

At twenty-two weeks I am feeling a bit down.  Somewhere around 20 weeks the morning sickness subsided.  Still sometimes I over do it and get knocked down.  I almost got a pregnancy pick me up last week when I start to feel movement.  With an anterior placenta, I have waited longer this time to feel anything.  And even now it’s rare.

Mostly, though, bringing this baby into the world is so preoccupied with the daily care of a two year old, that we often forget that she’s coming in 3 and a half months.  I have yet to take a belly shot, buy anything, or even start to look through what we’ve already got.  We’re blessed, of course to have another baby.  But last time around, well it was just so very different and exciting.  And I feel we’re already treating this one as “the second child.”  I am the second child in my family, I know how crummy it is not to have a baby book, far fewer photographs, and so on.  I swore I wouldn’t be that parent.

With three and a half months, we have yet to decide if we’ll hire a doula this time.  I’ve sort of got one that I’ve verbally asked, but we’re trying to decide if we need her.  My midwife will be with us for the entire labor and will offer labor support.  And has assured me she supports my birth plans.  Paying extra is not really in our budget.  Yet, my doula was my savior last time.  I am certain I would have ended up with a very different birth, full of interventions I did not want, had I not had a doula.

My little Mr. E gets that there’s a baby sister in my belly and that she will some day come out just like he did.  We’ve shown him pictures while pregnant with him and also the pictures of his birth.  He will gently touch my belly, and say “hi sister.”  This is all very new, as just a couple of weeks ago talk of the impending baby brought silence or tears.  He talks about how the baby will have Mommy’s milk, just like he did.  Another huge milestone!

He has no idea how his world is about to crumble around him, and I have no idea how to really prepare him, and I feel pretty rotten about the whole thing. He is, he will always be, very needy, I’ve decided.  He’s gained lots of independence in recent months, but sharing his Mommy and Mama, is still not something that comes easy.

I know our challenge is not new.  I know we’ll all come out on the other side, and we’ll have an amazing family, but in these days of pregnancy, these last months of having one child receiving my undivided attention, it’s hard to imagine how we’ll all change.  And truthfully, I am not just worried about him; I am terrified to be a stay at home mother to two children.  One seems like a piece of cake when I think about adding another.

I’ve got so much more swirling in my head, most of which I don’t want to write about, I am hoping it’s pregnancy hormones and once my body returns to normal, my thoughts will too.