Today was the day we were supposed to meet The New Midwife.

Eight weeks ago I scheduled an appointment and arranged childcare so that A could come with me. As we were driving to Maine last Friday I received a phone call from the TNM’s office informing me they needed to reschedule…EIGHT freaking weeks ago…and just like that – nope, sorry you don’t get to come in! If she were not the most reputable midwife in this area, I swear I’d been looking for a new one… My appointment is rescheduled and *I’ll meet her in FOUR weeks.

(*A will have to stay home to watch E.)

Up until the phone call on Friday we were still on the fence about involving TNM to get pregnant and I wasn’t making a solid TTC plan until we met her, and figured out how the logistics would play out if we used her to TTC.  But now we’ve pretty much decided to use our old midwife, which will be  a logistical nightmare and involve lots of travel for inseminations. But at the same time, I will have all my care under one person, where as with TNM there would be lots of people involved. Mr. E and I will crash with friends where we use to live for a night or two every cycle. And this is where I start to stress…

I don’t really want to deal with friends knowing that we are TTC. It just adds a layer of stress. And I am not so sure I really want to call up an old friend once a month and say “hey can my baby and I stay with you tonight? I’m ovulating.” I am sad that A will not be by my side, as she was for every insemination and prenatal appointment.  I also don’t really love staying in hotels with a baby. Baby bedtime = lights out.

I am trying to be so zen about the whole process. I have made a pact with myself not to become the crazy, TTC, loony woman — that I once was. I’ve told myself that I will not go to the same lengths to get pregnant that I did with Mr. E. I am *TRYING* to be satisfied with the blessing that I already have.

It’s not easy.

I am starting to get frustrated with the process. I am resentful, YET AGAIN, that the act of becoming pregnant involves other people. I am stressed about the details. We have no more than five shots with Mr. E’s donor (less if we do more than one insemination per cycle). I am trying to think of the travel inseminations as temporary. I’ll do it so long as we have sperm in storage in our old town. Then reassess, if needed.

I want so much to be prenant again. To have one more child. To give Mr. E a sibling. I WANT IT SO BADLY. And some days, I just don’t think I am strong enough to do it.