A couple months back I wrote about thinking about going back to work. I was tortured by the decision of whether to apply to a really great job, or not. I decided I was not ready to put Mr. E in day care and did not apply. All along I’ve kind of thought going back to work would be more work than it was worth and that at the end of the day our bank account would remain pretty much the same, after paying for child care.

Two weeks ago I applied for a job. It’s only part time (18 hours) and is only for the academic year (summers off). I was very excited about the position,  at the idea of using my brain again, and at the prospect of doing what I am good at. As time passed and I did not get a call for an interview, I remembered why I didn’t want to go back to work. And I’ve settled back into the idea that I will be home with Mr. E pretty much indefinitely.

Today I got a call. I scheduled an interview for next Wednesday at Noon. I am not excited. I am curious. Part of me hopes I will go on the interview fall in love with the people and the job and get an offer, and the other part of me hopes the interview will lessen my interest and end this ridiculous process.

How can I be so completely torn about this issue? Why is it so hard to know what you want? I know  it’s only 18 hours per week. But it’s still establishing a routine, finding care provides for Mr. E, participating in the day care shuffle… I really do like being home – I love our flexible days. Sometimes it’s boring and other times it’s really hard, but at the end of the day, I am full-filled. Take today for example, he and I were both napping and when he woke I brought him to my bed to nurse and cuddle. As we laid there, him nursing, me stroking his hair, I looked out the window and watched the snow gently falling. I thought, there is no place I’d rather be right now. But from time to time I’ve had the slightest craving to get back to work – and to think – creatively.  It’s hard for me to switch gears, I tend to be better at things if I am doing it 100%. I think I fear that by going back to work – even part time, I will have a hard time being good at being a worker and a mom.

There is also the the emotional side. With Mr. E’s first birthday behind us, I am making some progress on wrapping my head around child care. He’s not as fragile as he once was and I can see him holding his own. We’re also in a the very beginning stages of figuring out milk when I am not with him. I’ve sort of decided that I don’t want to pump any more. Our current set up has me away from him for 1 -2 feedings per week. Since it’s so few, I’ve been feeling okay about introducing some type of milk for when I am not with him so I can stop pumping and I will continue to breastfeed when we’re together. This was all decided under the 1 -2 feedings per week guise, and now, now it would be so much more if I started working. I am just not sure if I am ready to give up that much of our nursing relationship – so fast.

All I can commit to is going on the interview. At this point I am going to get more information- I have no idea what I’ll do if they make me an offer. (I’m also just feeling so weird about how much changes while job seraching as a mom…it’s a whole new ball of wax!)