Last week while looking at vacancies at a local school A found a job posting that matched my interests, qualifications, education, and experience. It’s an 18 hour per week job. The person who supervises this positions is someone who had a great impact on my own secondary education experience. I don’t have the energy to go into all the details, but let’s just say I was drowning and she threw me a life jacket.

A and my mother immediately encouraged me to apply to the job. The job excited me in a way I have not felt for a very long time. And then reality set in and thoughts of leaving Mr. E were realized. We dialogued back and forth and in the end they pretty much convinced me to apply and deal with the details later.

I emailed the supervisor posing some questions about the position. I had sort of decided if it paid more than $20 per hour I’d apply. The email I received back filled in some of the details and – it pays more than $20 per hour… I sat down to update my resume and began wrapping my head around the idea of putting Mr. E in day care. And then little things would make me reconsider. It may sound weird but as I was getting out of the shower and saw his potty I thought, they won’t do EC with him. And it seems like most day cares won’t cloth diaper. Then there’s just the fact that he’d be under someone else’s care. On the flip side, while we were on a play date last week I sat back and watched as he went to town playing with his friend’s toys – hardly even noticing I was there. And I thought, maybe he’d love day care?

A and I decided I’d apply and we’d just see what happened. Tonight I sat down and blew the dust off my resume. And that knot found it’s way back to my stomach. I couldn’t focus enough to write a cover letter. I recalled the number of times people have told me it’s nearly impossible to secure day care for infants (birth – 15 mos). I stopped updating my resume and began playing on Face.book.

As A and I laid in bed tonight (I am now up thanks to Mr. E – he’s back down but my head is so full of thoughts I can’t sleep) we talked it over again. We both really don’t think this is the right time to start him in day care. When I did the math, I figured out in the new position, after paying for day care I’d take home about the same amount of money that I currently make working nine hours per week, while Mr. E is with either A or my SIL. But I’d have the added annoyance of packing him up and carting him off to day care and juggling schedules when he’s sick. I’m not ready to join the day care rat race – certainly not for the same amount of money at the end of the day.

Currently, we lead a very relaxed (although poor) lifestyle. My work is flexible and we are never away from each other for more than five hours. I don’t have to pump with any regualirty and If he’s sick I just stay home with him. The only benefit to applying to the job, is, well, it’s in my field and I think I’d like it and be really good at it. It would probably open doors to other opportunities. But at this time, I don’t think any job could take me away from my boy.

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