Ah, so that’s what’s missing.

Every so often I call up my blog archives to this-time-last-year. I just went back and read about my life in October 2007. I was in my second trimester, starting to feel uncomfortable, stressing about work and maternity leave coverage, excited and worried about the-big-move… I was struck how my writing style has changed in the last year. Once upon a time I composed blog posts that 1) where thoughtful, 2) not rushed because the baby was crying or other wise needs me now, 3) i was not perma-tired and, 4) the heavy cloud of motherhood was not hanging over me.

It’s #4 that gets me the most. I love being a mom. It’s honestly what I’ve always wanted to do/be. But there is just no way to fully comprehend just how hard it is until you’ve lived it. My thoughts on the subject overwhelm me and I am not yet in a place to type the words. I just can’t find them.

Motherhood is everything I thought it would be and then some. It’s meant giving up some of my most basic needs: sleep, food, & time with my wife. It’s hard. It’s so so so hard. I’ve had a rough time dealing with all of it. And I have not wanted to write about it here. I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me? I function pretty well, and only tend to break down on the days when sleep is at a minimum.

We were schooled in baby blues and postpartum depression in our childbirth classes. And while I think any woman who says she didn’t have baby blues is lying, I’m pretty sure I don’t have PPD, even though there are days when all I do is cry. My trusty internet helped me understand postpartum stress syndrome. Oh how it fits like an old favorite sweater on a frigid winter night.

Now, I am not a mental health professional, but I don’t have the time to go see one (and my crappy insurance probably would not cover it), so self-diagnosis is the only way to go. It feels good to know there is something to explain why I sometimes feel completely crazy and other days am perfectly normal, whatever that is. I wish I just felt normal all the time. I wish I were fully present for my son every day and night. (Well really I wish he’d just sleep through the night and not need me from 7pm-7am.)

I am a damn good mother, but sometimes, sometimes I just can’t take it. Sometimes I think about my life before baby and long for those days. I feel trapped. I spend four hours per week away from my son (I work out of the home four hours per week – well more really, but only have child care for four hours). Maybe a better way to think about it, I spend 164 hours a week with him. Gotta run to the store? Better make sure the diaper bag is stocked, the baby is fed, rested, etc. Lug baby with me in and out of stores, click in and out of car seat, and so on. Want to make a doctors appointment? Ha! Who will watch the baby? You get my point.

This is all to say I feel like I’ve been Debbie Downer for the last three or so months and I don’t want to come here day after day and spew negativity. I also have had a hell of a time figuring out what’s up. So I’ve stayed away, written elusive posts, and in general abandoned blog land. I want to come back. I want to write through my struggles just as I did while ttc. I fear coming off as ungrateful, but I hold true that I write here for me. I love the support of our blog community but it can’t be why I write (…I’m still working on accepting this…).

So there. That’s what’s been up. That’s why I’ve be quiet.