This week begins my true true stay at home mom role. I’ve been working 20 hours, over three to four days since we moved and while that does not sound like a lot, it is when you are trying to manage work and a kid. And by that I mean a work life and a kid life. Really delving in at work and getting things done, then completely shifting gears at home to entertain and care for Mr. E, when all I really wanted was to be with him all the time.

What I’ve learned is that I don’t make that shift too easily. On the days I worked, I came home and couldn’t get into the Mr. E groove, on the day(s) I was home I found myself cramming in all the SAHM things I wanted to do, since I only had one to two days to do them. In short, I could not find balance. Now I am working one and a half days in the office with a little bit of working from home. A is working 40 hours, in the 9-5:30 fashion. I couldn’t be happier, and neither could she.

I can’t explain why I love being home. There is something relaxing about hanging out with Mr. E, playing silly games, and dancing to childrens music for hours on end that feeds my soul. I wrote often while I was on maternity leave about how peaceful I felt, a feeling completely new to me. Well I’m already beginning to feel that peacefulness again. Sometimes I forget that I was on a career path. And until not too long ago, didn’t have any intention of stepping of my path.

There are times when I feel as though I am seeing myself in a mirror, and just can’t believe I gave myself permission to apply the brakes. To listen to the voice that told me I wanted to stay home, and to chance the resume void that SAHMs inevitably create. While A and I ate dinner tonight and chatted about our days, she excited to be back to working full time, me ecstatic to be home, I told her how odd it feels not to know when I will return to full time professional work out side the home. It really could be years. And I am okay with that.