*note – sorry this is all jammed together with no line breaks. I typed them in but WP won’t seem to let them show and I’ve spent too much time trying to make it work. So this is just how it’s going to appear…*
I’m learning to let go. To let go of the reality that I am not all that my little baby needs to thrive and survive anymore. While I was pregnant, my body held and nourished him, and protected him from harm. He had his own routine while he was in me, but we were always together. And without me, he could not survive.
I’ve been struggling with two things as we navigate this crazy parenting world; sleep and vaccinations.
Sleep. Well not sleep so much as where we sleep. We intended for Mr. E to sleep in the co-sleeper. When he rejected it, I brought him into our bed. I was surprised at how much I loved having him in bed with us. He’d snuggle up to me and we’d cuddle all night. I’ve been converted, and now think co-sleeping is pretty fantastic. The problem for us, though, is that Mr. E’s sleep seemed to regress. He was getting better and then about two weeks ago he could not settle himself. He’d be up every one to two hours. A and I were miserable. I was distraught with sleep deprivation.
Last week I talked to another new mom. She was going through the same thing. She had just moved her four month old to his crib. She was really sick and thought it was better if he didn’t sleep in their bed while she was so ill. So, she reluctantly put him in his own crib, in his own room. He slept through the night and has continued to ever since, sometimes waking once to feed.
That same night A put Mr. E into the co-sleeper. And he only woke up twice, and we got more sleep than we’d gotten since before he was born. We’ve put him in there every night since and he seems to have fallen into a schedule. I give him a twilight feeding when I go to bed, between 9 and 10, and then he’s up between 12-1, and again between 3-4. He gets up in the morning between 6-7.
Clearly he sleeps better in the co-sleeper. Perhaps being in bed with us was too stimulating. Maybe we responded too quickly to “false wake ups” thus lead to real wake ups. I want to do what’s best for my kid and as a person who’s always had sleep problems, I would love to give him the gift of good sleep training. I know that’s what we’re doing by putting him down, alone, because he’s responded so well to it. But, damn, he’s only two months old and he’s already out of our bed. And this has carried over into naps. We always try to put him down. Sometimes he wakes, we soothe and put him back down. It’s not always easy to put down my sweet baby.
Vaccines. Yep, it’s time, his two month appointment is today. A and I have really struggled with how to proceed. To vaccinate or to delay vaccines? Sometimes parenting get so overwhelming and we want to throw our hands up and just do what’s prescribed. It’s certainly easier that way. But then I wonder if I am doing the right thing for my kid.
I’ve talked to moms who’ve vaccinated and others who’ve employed a delayed schedule. I read Dr. Sears’ vaccine book and I’ve done internet research. In the end, I want to vaccinate him, on schedule, but I am concerned about the amount of aluminum he’ll get as a result. And then I am left to wonder what’s worse, possibly catching Rotavirus and being really really sick, or giving the new-to-the-market vaccine (the only one he’d get today that does not contain aluminum, but its newness is controversial). The benefits seem to outweigh the risks, but of course it’s so new that we really don’t know.
I can’t seem to forgive myself for starting the hep B vax at birth. What the hell were we thinking? He does not even need that vaccine till he’s sexually active! I am pissed at us for not doing our research ahead of time. We were too concerned about the Vitamin K shot and eye ointment post birth that we really didn’t even give hep B too much thought.
I feel overwhelmed with all of this while trying to accept that he’s on the out side now; sometimes I want to send him back to my uterus so I can always protect him, and also so I could have some more time to figure this all out, with out being sleep deprived.
Welcome to parenthood, I’m sure it just gets harder.
p.s. Here’s Mr. E reading a book yesterday, on his two month birthday. How is he two months old?!