Life as a mom is pretty freaking amazing. Honestly, most days are great even when I am exhausted and sore from taking care of Mr. E 24/7. Most of my tears are tears of joy and intense love. For example, sometimes I’ll kiss his cheeks and the power of our bond shocks me so that I am brought to tears. But nothing is ever prefect and there are bound to be days that suck. I had one such day this week as sleep deprivation and a clingy baby got the best of me.

My best friend was visiting and I excitedly left Mr. E with her for most of the day on Tuesday while I got a massage and ran errands. He and I didn’t spend much time together and by bed time he was super clingy to me. He would only sleep on my chest. ALL NIGHT. Sleeping on my chest is usually reserved for my last ditch effort to get a few more zzzzs in the wee hours of the morning. He was up a lot. I did not sleep well. We were both cranky the next day, we both woke up crying. I remained weepy all day, until I had a full on break down when A got home from work and took the screaming boy from my arms. I spent several hours bawling in bed. My friends were still visiting at this point, but had gone into town for a little while. I stayed home because I was too tired and thought Mr. E and I needed some down time. When it turned into the above mentioned melt down, I felt pretty crappy that I was hold up in my bed while they were folding and putting away my laundry and doing the dishes. I have the best friends.

Now that I am almost two thirds through my maternity leave, I’ve begun to feel the stress of going back to work. And it’s enough to reduce me to tears and is producing far too much anxiety. I do not want to go back. Even if it’s only for ten weeks. Last night I told A for the one millionth time, I don’t want to go back to work. She asked, even after how bad yesterday was? You don’t think it would be nice to get a break from him? No, I don’t. The good days far out number the bad days. Mostly Mr. E and I have good days. The more I cue into his needs, the better. I am just starting to understand so much about him. And he’s just starting to show interest in me. He’s just too precious and I love him with all my might.

Most likely, I’ll have to go back. I find myself incredibly jealous of the stay at home moms in the mom group I attend. I can’t imagine how horrible I’d feel if I didn’t know that come June I’ll leave my job to stay home with Mr. E (I handed in my resignation effective 6/13, which is the end of my ‘contract’ aka the academic year). It’s the only thing that makes it almost bearable to go back. That and knowing A will be with him when I go back, and being able to bring him with me for some part of each day.

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