Two days ago I was looking at a calender for 2008 and plotting out when I’d return to work if I delivered at 38, 40, or 42 weeks- which are all well within the range of what’s to be expected. Now granted when I go back to work I will then leave my job on June 15th when my “contract” is up and we move across the state. Once there, everything is a big question mark.

But back to me looking at the calender. I realized how sad I was at the thought of going back to work, even for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve been telling myself – and everyone else that once we move I’ll mostly be a SAHM, while I work a very flexible and part time gig with my Dad. Child care will be provided by my SIL and/or my hours will be worked around A’s work schedule in effort to avoid day care. My Dad has gone so far as to say, just bring the baby to work. Which I would not do with regularity because I know I’d get nothing done.

Those feelings of sadness were eased by knowing that when I do return to finish the school year A will be home with the baby and that we know for certain that Moon will be home with one of us from birth till through August, at least. I am truly thankful for that. But for the first time I began to accept the reality that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay home. I am cozily balled up in my fantasy of staying home while A works. But the truth is, we have no idea what our life and financial situation will be after we move. The  unknow has let me carry out this dream of being a SAHM and I’ve begun to truly believe it will happen. I know we will do anything with in our power to make it happen, but that may not be enough.

I find myself incredibly jealous of women who can easily make the choice to stay home. By this I mean those who have the financial resources. The privilege. I remember telling my mom I waned to stay home (back before the plan to relocate, which does make staying home more attainable) and she knew that in our current situation we’d never make it after giving up half our income. And she kind of gave me the are you crazy look? Yet, she and my Dad still scoff at how my brother and SIL put their son in day care at 17 months since they didn’t need to.

If I get to stay home we’ll be living on a shoe string. But I’ll be with our baby. That is what we both want. We don’t have anything against day care, and do respect that each family makes a decision that is best for them. We think avoiding day care is best for us. This is a huge shift for me. When we first started ttc I never imagined I’d stay home, let alone want to stay home. The shift came after all the pain and effort it took for us to conceive. Through that process I began to want this baby more than I ever imagined possible.

Before conceiving my career path was my priority. And I am at cross road where if I want to strategically advance my career now is the time to make the next move. But our journey lead me to this desire to spend every possible moment with the baby. I do think the challenges we faced drives this shift. At the same time, our expanding family unit shifted our priorities to wanting to live in close proximity to family. In embracing this, I have essentially decided to put my career in the back seat (maybe even the third row). There are no where near as many opportunities for me where we are relocating to. Yet, I couldn’t be happier about providing our child with the opportunity to grow up with his or her cousins, aunt & uncle, grandparents, and many other extended family members.

We have no idea how this will all play out. I am holding on to the hope that I will stay home and we’ll just find a way to make it work, and I am working on accepting that my dreams of being a SAHM may not turn out just as I expect them to.

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