Today I had a really bad day at work.

I’ve been slowly getting more and more overwhelmed with my work and with planning for maternity leave. Small things have been adding up and eating away at me and I’ve found myself being more and more snippy lately. I do not have fun at work anymore. There used to be times when I did. I feel over my head in projects and I’ve had to be a more active supervisor than in the past and my supervisor has been over her head and less able to support me (and now that she’s got Federal jury duty and just got a case, she’s less available to me).

By 10:30 this morning I was ready to shut my office door and cry. I don’t even know where to start to get myself on track. I seem to just respond to what ever emergent situation is put in front of me and then all the little pieces of my job (that when added up equal a lot) slip through the cracks. And I spend time away from work worrying. I wake at 4 in the morning only to remember that I didn’t do this or that.

And then there are the meetings I have. Take today, I was in a supervision meeting with one of my interns. She was going on and on about a problem and while I wanted to be focused, present, and care, I just wasn’t. I found myself trying really hard to really hear the concerns and to help her problem solve and to offer creative solutions, which I did do, but I felt my heart was not in it. Not the way it used to be. And I found myself sitting there thinking soon, I will be out of here.

I know there is a direct correlation to how well I supervise and how well my supervisor supports me. I am feeling very unsupported and basically left to manage everything on my own so far this academic year, and when this happens I get overwhelmed, and my ability to be a supportive supervisor suffers greatly. Right now I am a crappy worker and crappy supervisor. I feel bad for the people that have to interact with me daily because I am so fried that my attitude sucks and I have a very short fuse. I am really worried that some day soon, I am going to lash out at a student. That really is my greatest fear. That all my frustration will inappropriately be taken out on a student that says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time.

If I were not pregnant, I think I would have given my notice and walked out by now. It’s no reason to do a job, but it’s the the best reason I’ve got right now. I can’t walk out on the security just yet. This does mean I need to figure out a way to release some of this stress. It can’t be good for the baby. I am not stressed about pregnancy stuff or getting ready to have a baby, but work sure is taking it’s toll on me. Maybe I am so consumed by work that I just don’t have time to stress about baby prep. Or maybe baby is so much better than work that I can’t even begin to be stressed about it. No matter what, I’ll be done here soon and I just need to hold it together. One day at a time.

Advertisements