Our big ultrasound is scheduled for September 12th. That’s in a little more than two weeks.

A. has known for a while that she wants to find out the sex. I have wavered back and forth from day one. There was a time when I joined her in the ‘want to know camp.’ For a time I really wanted this baby to be a girl, and she nearly had me when she said, “don’t you want to find out so that if it’s not a girl you can get used to the idea of a boy?” But since then, I have come to a place where, while I think having a girl would be really cool, I am equally excited to have a boy. I am not sure how this happened, but all of a sudden one day I cared less and less about needing to have a girl. And I no longer felt the need to find out.

It’s making A. crazy that I can’t decide. When people ask her if ‘we’re finding out’ she has started telling people she wants to but I don’t know and may not know till the day of the ultrasound. Which could very well be true. I am 95% sure I DON’T want to know. The reasons are both personal and political – isn’t everything. And then last night, I realized I don’t want to find out at the ultrasound, yet another medical process in our journey. Me always on the table on my back, with people poking at me. And I don’t want a medical professional telling us. If i am going to find out, I want it to be special and I only want to share the moment with A. Perhaps if we did not get pregnant through various medical interventions, I wouldn’t feel this way, but I am just sick of all these people involved in us making a baby.

And so we’ve finally made a plan (funny, because we’ve already made several plans about this, but I keep changing my mind). We’re not going to find out at the ultrasound. We are going to ask the perinatologist to write the sex down on a piece of paper and slide it into an envelope. And we will decide when and if we find out. Perhaps we’ll take that envelope with us in October on our little get away to our paradise in the White Mountains, or as A. suggested, maybe we’ll open it on Christmas (although at that point, why not wait another month to find out?).

I am the most happy with this plan and A. is just happy we have a plan.

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