Thank you to EVERYONE for all your well wishes!

I’ve had a hard time figuring out how to write this post. I don’t want this blog to ooze baby all the time, but I do want to share some of my thoughts and experiences of the last two days. So here goes, sorry if this is a little scattered.

I went to bed on Monday night planning to take a test with FMU in the morning. Some time in the night I dreamt that the test came back positive. I was so happy in the dream. I remember thinking in my sleep how amazing it felt to see two pinks lines and to feel the emotions that ensued. In a half sleep state I felt sad, because part of me couldn’t believe that dream could come true. Then, I woke to pee at 4:30, I thought it was kind of early, but FMU is FMU and I was not going to waste it. So I peed in the cup and dipped the stick. A. woke and needed to use the bathroom as well. As I let her in and started to make my way out, I start to see something on the test. But really I thought I was making it up. When she was ready I went back in and sure enough there were two pink lines. The second was faint, but I’d heard over and over a line is a line, no matter how faint, and after all these are not opks we’re working with! We both stood there, at 4:30am, in utter shock. Most of what we did and said is a blur. One things was for sure, we were not going back to bed, we were too excited.

After spending a couple hours telling ourselves we’re going to have a baby, we decided we should go out to breakfast and buy a digital test on the way home. We went to our favorite little hole in the wall spot. And when the waitress asked if we both wanted coffee I didn’t know what to say. I opted for water. As she walked away I told A. “I am really good at ttc, but I have no idea how to be pregnant.” After breakfast we went to four stores looking for a digital test before finding one that was open (this was all before 8am). We raced home and I took it. As soon as I saw pregnant I let myself believe I really was pregnant. I had not gotten a false positive, there was no mistaking it, I was pregnant.

I phoned my mom as soon as the second test confirmed the first. Last we’d talked was mother’s day when I cried hysterically and told her I was not pregnant. I said something like, “well it turns out I was so emotional Sunday because I am pregnant.” And she screamed! I mean a blood-curdling scream that went on for about a minute. I asked her if she was okay and if she was in public. Lucky she was okay and alone at her house. She was so happy. She exclaimed, “oh we need to go maternity clothes shopping and baby shopping.” When I told her I didn’t need mat clothes just yet she said “so what, wear them anyway!” Then she started in on all the questions, what names are you thinking of, are you going to find out what it is? (Wish I replied, pretty sure it’s a baby.) And I told her I didn’t know, but probably not. She hated that. She does not understand why anyone would not find out the sex. And she reminded me she’ll pester me all the way through. I reminded her she’s been my mother for 28, almost 29 years and I was well aware of this fact.

A. and I both struggled to get any work done yesterday. The whole day I wanted to google pregnancy stuff and start to educate myself about this side of the journey. And I was really tired. I told a couple co-workers who knew I’d been trying. I wanted to tell everyone and really struggled not to. We don’t have a rule about who and when. We decided we’ll tell as we want. And at the same time everyone does not need to know just yet. I buy into the idea that if anything goes wrong, I will want people supporting me. I also spread the news to a couple good friends and a cousin, all of whom called me and it was so fun to talk to them. And my cousin let me know that she woke that morning just knowing I was pregnant, only to log into her FF chart and learn that I was – how weird!

Today was my brother’s birthday, so I waited to call him and broke the news by telling him I had a very special birthday present, but it was going to be about 9 months late. He exclaimed, “finally, cousins!” (For his son and baby on the way.) Then I called SIL (brother was driving to work when I called him) and asked her if my nephew was ready to be a cousin? She was shocked. I think she thought I’d never get pregnant. My nephew yelled babies and cousin in the background.

So in a very short time we’ve managed to tell quite a few people. It’s so fun though, and it’s also fun to have this little secret. As I sat in staff meeting today, I was so aware of how different I was, yet all but two had no idea. I am done with work in three weeks so my plan is to return in August and greet everyone with a big ‘ol belie.

I have more thoughts on how I feel different and how special this time feels, but I am exhausted. So I will save that for another post.