Yesterday I felt crampy, period crampy. Usually in the days before my period, I get dull cramps in the wee hours of the morning. Today, the same cramps palgued me around five am. So much so that I could have taken ibuprofen, if only I weren’t so lazy and didn’t want to get out of bed.

Instead, I lay there, knowing I am not pregnant. Sad. Tired. Really so tired, not because it was 5am (I went to bed at 9:30), tired of this. Tired of all the emotional work. The start of my cycles, the drugs, temping, the ultra sounds, the opks, the monitor, the phone calls to the midwives, the iuis. Tired of thinking it could work, tired of spending two weeks waiting for the news I so desperately want, tired of never getting that news. Tired of crying.

I am so tired of having so many people involved in this process. They are all great, but I am not sure I have articulated the added stress. I hate to inconvenience people, and that’s what I do every month. I need to be fitted in, when I need it. Not because I am a bitch, but because ovulation has its own schedule. I am sick of fighting with the receptionists at the MWs office, me insisting I need to speak to a MW today. I am tired of buying sperm. $7,000 and counting. SEVEN THOUSAND! And that does not include, all the sticks: monitor, opk, and pregnancy tests. Nor the monthly storage fees. And you know what, seven thousand dollars is nothing compared to what we’ve paid emotionally. I bet we’re into the millions now.

I know it isn’t over till I bleed, but I am not a fool, I know my body. I know all too well which days leading up to bleeding I: break out, start cramping, and have sore breasts. How couldn’t I, I’ve been charting for eons. And then there’s that holiday tomorrow. A holiday I’ve never really cared about. Always recognized my mother, but kind of thought it was a weird holiday, so why am I so sad that it’s passing? Yet another holiday that makes me sad. Just like the previous two Christmases. It’s the passing of time, these holidays are like anniversaries that remind me I am still not pregnant. And I had really hoped for the ultimate mother’s day gift this year.

I may need a break. I don’t want to take a break. Breaks are part of why this is taking so effing long. I will try again next cycle since it’s the third cycle post HSG and thus my last extra fertile cycle, not that that’s made any difference so far. Then I may need to take the summer off.

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