I think I would have a heart attack.

I am hanging in at 11dpo. I have little hope, but my temp spike this morning ensured this roller coaster ride will last right up to the end of my luteal phase (tomorrow). If I make it past that, I will test on Monday.

We started ttc nearly two and a half years ago. You’d think that by now I’d be used to the idea that it could work, and if it did we’d have a baby. A real live baby. A child we’d be responsible for taking care of forever. This is what I want, but sometime the reality frightens the hell out of me! I have a mini freak out during each iui when I realize it could work. And now as I reach the end of my LP, with a temp spike, I get the same chest-tightening nervous feeling.

Most of my anxiety comes from knowing how much our lives will change. A. and I have grown comfortable with relaxing in our free time…some might say we’ve turned it into a sport. We’re also impulsive and will pick up at a moments notice for a variety of adventures – near and far. Our relationship would change. I’m sure it would be a great – wonderful – amazing change, but we’d be three (or four) and that is so much more than two. For six years we’ve been two and it blows my mind to add a baby in.

So while each month I test, and pray to see two pink lines, there is still a part of me that can’t imagine the shock I will feel if I ever see two pink lines.