Folks, I am grasping at straws as we round the corner to the finish line of this tww. I spent more than a week thinking no way, timing was off, ovulation was not pin pointed…and since realizing a dying thermometer was to blame for low and flat temps I have resurrected hope.

My throat started hurting around 6 o’clock last night. This made me remember reading some women posting on Fertility Friend that one of their early signs of pregnancy was a sore throat, cold, or combination of both.

My MW said she saw fertile mucus when she did the second IUI. She speculated I’d ovulate in the next several hours. My cervix was open, it would not have been if ovulation wasn’t impending…and certainly not if it were more than a week away, as my temps began to suggest.

My 18 month charting history tells me that for all ovulatory cycles, my breasts become sore at seven dpo and cramps start at about eight or nine dpo. Neither one are in sight this cycle.

Part of me wants to believe it could have happened. And part of me is terrified that it did not happen. And part of me is terrified that it did happen. Prior to testing there is a certain level of fantasy, if it worked we’d have an October baby. A Scorpio. etc. Once I test, that all goes out the window, because it’s never been +. And that takes me to the terrified that it did not happen, and all the joy I’ve allowed myself to experience over the last couple days vanishes. We move onto infertility testing and drugs. And more effing money that we don’t have to try to conceive our dream. So why would I be terrified that it worked? That’s my practical side. Money. How will we afford day care? Would I be able to surrender my child to day care? Do I want to be a stay at home mom, and how would we afford it?

A. is buying hpts on her way home tonight. I don’t know how I would resist taking one tomorrow morning if they are in the house! And yet, I want to stay in my fantasy land where I am pregnant until proven not.

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