I feel like the fertilty goddesses kicked me while I was down.

As if last week was not bad enough, why oh why did the efing OPK have to lie to me? Didn’t I say they don’t work? So why did I let the MWs talk me into suplementing the monitor with them? And why did I spend $45 alone on OPKs for this cycle?! The ultrasound made us somewhat confident that I’d ovualte on schedule, and according to the last one, I should have ovulated on Saturday at the latest. I guess the follies decided to take a little nap for several days…

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated because we only have one vial left. No chance in hell of bio siblings if that one works. (Sometimes I wonder why I worry about bio siblings when we can’t seem to have one child, and question if we’d even put ourselevs through this again if it ever did work.)

I am frustrated that we essetianlly just spent >$1,000 for nothing. It’s different when we time it right and it does not work, but to know there is no chance, makes it so much worse.

I am frustrated that this was my last unmedicated cycle. I have mostly made peace with starting fertility drugs, even though I swore *I would never take them* what the hell did I know? I certainly did not know how hard this would be or how invested I would become in carrying. Or how A. would start to question her desire to carry.

I am impatient and I want a freaking child already. And now I have to wait nearly a month to try again. The next time will be totally new, and will freak my body out in new ways (oh joy!). Some days I just don’t know if I am strong enough to go through this anymore. But I will not quit. TTC has been woven into the fabric of my everyday existence. I don’t even know how to be if I am not TTC. What would I blog about. What would I think about. What would I talk about. I know this sounds pathetic, but it really has become a huge part of how I define myself, and that is not pathetic.

I am so frustrated I want to scream … all day long.

So how am I going to take care of myself? Good question.

Yesterday I took a yoga class at my gym. Usually I just run at the gym. I like it and it makes my body feel good and it helps me sleep. Sometimes it helps to clear my mind, but not always. The yoga class I took really got to me. I’ve done yoga before and it’s always helped me. I realized that I need to do it more. I’ve never needed to do it more than I do right now. I need to do what ever I can to keep my body in balance. I tend to “take care” of myself by going out for a drink with co-workers after a particularly hard day. This is fun, but I think I need to spend more time in the yoga studio, and less time in the bar room. I need to help my body feel better and then maybe I will feel better. My plan is to do at least three yoga classes a week, and still run a couple times. Will someone please hold me accountable?

I did have a positive thing happen today. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I need a referral from my PCP whom I’d never met in order to have the infertility testing done by my MW, whom I am more than well acquainted with. While technically I only had to call to request this, I thought it might be a good time to meet my PCP and to get my headache meds refilled. I switched PCPs a year ago when my insurance changed. The practice I wanted to go to only had a male doctor accepting new patients at the time and well, I’ve never been too keen on having a male doctor, but they told me I could see any doctor there. For some reason I made the appointment with him for today. I was surprised that I LOVED him. He was super chill and very nice. He was genuinely interested in me, gave me the Rx I needed for my head, and was empathetic about my fertility issues. He alluded to the fact that he’d gone through infertility (not sure if was him or his wife). He was supportive of how hard it is and when I asked, he shared that he now has two daughters, one of whom is adopted. He asked a little about our journey and was really and truly interested. I never expected that I’d like him as much as I did. I know it’s wrong to be so judgemental, but I’ve always been more comfortable with female health care providers, and I have my reasons. He is one that I am excited to have as my PCP. It was a nice surprise.

This post is all over the place and ridiculously long. I am off to bed soon, so I can make it to my 6:45am yoga class, aren’t you proud of me?