I actually said this out loud at my midwife’s office today.

I called in at 8am to let them know I needed to come in for an IUI today based on my fertility monitor reading. We set the appointment for 1:30 with a MW I’d never met (I am learning this is just how it is). A. was not going to go with me, but when I told her I was not sure I’d be able to find the office (I usually go to the satellite location) she decided she better go, but I know she wanted to go all along.

We head there for 1:30 and the only way I could get away from the cooking at my house with my two co-workers was to tell them. That was a little weird, mostly okay and kind of a relief that I can be more open about what’s going on with me. We park the car, trek into the office and plunk down. I was called in and two women, one a nurse, the other the medical assistant begin to get the sperm out of the tank, at which point A. almost insisted she do it because it was clear we had more experience with frozen sperm than the two of them put together. It was a bit of a scene, but nothing of what was to come…

They got it out and then gave it to A. to thaw between her hands. They leave and I undress. The ‘boys’ were pretty well thawed so A. put them under her armpit for warmth and to keep them from the light. We wait, and wait, and wait. At this point I am thinking one of the women were coming back to do it, but they never did. I see the ‘inseminator’ out on the counter and seriously ask A. do they think we’re doing it? So we open the door (curtain is pulled to hide half naked me) A. stands in the doorway, I am freaking out because I’ve read too many books and know sperm should not sit around thawed for too long. One of the original women sees her and asks if anyone has come in yet. No. She informs her someone will be in soon. I am usually a very patient person at medical appointments, but not when my sperm has been thawed…

Space cadet Midwife enters. She asks, “what are you here for?” I inform her that I am here for an IUI and I tell her A. has been thawing the sperm under her armpit for 25 minutes, as if to say let’s cut the small talk and get to it. She says “oh cute, just like a mother hen.” She asks more questions about how I know I am about to ovulate. I tell her I got a +opk last night and a peak on my monitor this morning. Space cadet asks, “what’s a monitor.” I can’t believe I am having this conversation with a MIDWIFE – just get them in me already! I tell her what it is and she continues with pointless questions and makes me sign a release. Now, I don’t want to seem like she wasn’t nice, because she was very nice, you’d want her to be your therapist (not having to deal with details) but not your midwife (if you’ve ever been to the Northampton area you might have an inclination of what type of woman I am talking about)!

She starts to wash her hands, and at this point, I’d seen three different people in one visit and was not sure if she was a midwife, so I asked. She confirmed and continues to wash her hands and walked away from the running water for what seemed like forever! She wanted to look at the sperm on the slides before the insemination – I was not excited about this and am sure I said something to nix that idea and move forward with getting them in me. We spent a fair amount of time talking about the typical position of my cervix – it’s hard to find and that worried her. She indicated that she wanted to put the speculum in before drawing up the specimen to find my cervix (my midwife draws the specimen and then inserts the spec, which I prefer), this is when she tells us she really doesn’t have much experience with performing IUIs, but that MY midwife is the expert. Too bad she was booked today. She says if she can’t do it she’ll call in yet another midwife.

She runs the speculum under the running water remember it was running forever. And in it goes. I think she said something about not using any lube, I’d hope not!!! She has a hard time finding my cervix, she was not hurting me, and I could tell that she was not moving the speculum enough to find it. At one point I say “can you see me now” — sort of a cell phone spoof and she didn’t really get it. She finally found it and started trying. I think she was just really timid, but she was very gentile, and calm — and perhaps a little clumsy. She could not get the catheter into my cervix, not to save her life. In a valiant effort, she had A. open a package of long one ended Q-tips and tried to use only the stick end like chop sticks to guide the catheter in. By now I’ve been laying there with the speculum in me for maybe ten minutes. She started to call on A. for help and realized that was not really an option so she told her to go out and ask for the other MW, we’ll call her the miracle midwife.

Miracle midwife enters, introduces her self and is very professional. Now I don’t know about you, but I like to meet people for the first time with my pants on, and not with a speculum hanging out. Call me crazy. Space cadet explains the challenge and shows her how she tried to guide the catheter in with Q-tips. Miracle midwife dismisses it and says, “Oh that’s like stacking balloons.” She leaves to get another instrument. I had no idea what she was going to get and only hoped it was not the thing I’ve read some of you post about that causes pain during an IUI (clamp on the cervix?). She returns with a long skinny tong like thing, and I still don’t know how it’s going to be used. She sits down, props me up further and eventually ends up on her knees to perform the procedure in less than 20 seconds! Once it was over and I was turned around with my legs in the air, she was more casual, rubbed my head and introduced herself again; I don’t think she remembered she already had with all the chaos she entered into. At that point we are all laughing and that is when I utter “how many women does it take to get me pregnant?” I meant no harm, and luckily they thought it was funny.

When it was over Space cadet and A. left to look at the sperm under a microscope (once I was done laying there I also looked and it was so cool!). When they returned Space cadet informed me that when I get home I should “try to get in the mood.” Then proceeded to set some mood lighting — turned off the overhead light and left on the exam light and counter area light so I could lie there for 30 minutes. I was so ready to be out of there, but waited for 25 minutes. When we left we noticed a note on the door that we’d be in there till 3:15, remember this was a 1:30 appointment…and I think she thought we were “getting in the mood” which I just couldn’t do there.

It’s a good thing A. and I are relaxed people and went along with the whole thing. I am so very glad that my first IUI was with MY midwife at the other, less medical office. If this had been my first I think I’d be terrified. I realize this post it not super supportive of midwives and that was not my intention. I hope I will get pregnant with out (any further) medical intervention and really appreciate the midwifery philosophy, but this was more like a day at the circus than an office visit.

The good news is that our timing was once again perfect. My cervix was wide open and there was plenty of fertile mucus. If my temp does not spike in the morning we’ll go for another one tomorrow and luckily my midwife is on call tomorrow!

And as for the TWW, I’m going to try not to let it get me. I always feel great just after inseminating and so very hopeful. I want to hold onto that and just enjoy this time.