Life has been a little crazy, okay a lot. But work should slow down a little and I am home from my conference. I had to get up at 5am yesterday to fly home. I got home and was in bed by 11:30am. I slept till 4pm and then went to bed at 10:30pm and just woke up (10am). To say I was tired from the last month and the conference would be an understatement. I don’t go back to work till Monday and I am sooooo happy about that!

Now on to the story of how and why we brokeup with our KD. I’ve written in many previous posts that things started to get a little tense with our KD after we gave him the contract. He thought he’d have more “protections” and we started to feel he wanted more than we were willing to give. He talked to a lot of people and came up with all kinds of what if scenarios that we wanted to write in. We did entertain some of his ideas, and agreed to a once a month visit, this of course, was against our lawyers advice. As well as against the advice of some women we know who used a KD to conceive their now 21 year old daughter. But we still felt great about the relationship that we’d have with our KD and really wanted our child to know him, etc. Each time that he would email to ask for more, I would have a knee jerk reaction and get nervous, then we’d talk on the phone and all my worries were put to rest.

He decided he needed to get his own lawyer, which I supported. Looking back I realize I should have known it was the beginning of the end. He was excited to meet with her and thought that they’d work everything out and we’d have the contract ready to sign when I returned from my trip and we’d be inseminating this weekend. Instead I got an email from him on Monday the 13th letting me know things did not go so well and he’d call me that night.

He called and I knew from the beginning that it was over. His lawyer told him he did not know us well enough to trust us, and the contract will not hold up in court, and that even if he sings his rights away the State can still come after him for child support. That’s the kicker for me. A. and I are both professionals. I have a masters degree and am building a solid career. We both make decent money and DO NOT WANT HIS! He kept saying, what if you two break up, and you lose your job? Then you could come after me for child support. If this all happened the first place I’d to go would be my family and they would help me. I would never go to my sperm donor! It seemed so ironic that he wanted us to write in visitation (and he asked us to up it to two visits per month, I said no) and yet he is not willing to risk the miniscule chance that I’d go after him for child support? If anything I had to worry about whether or not he’d actually give up rights when it came time. This whole game is all about trust. He never really acknowledged that we had to put a great deal of trust into him too.

So in the end, he regretfully bowed out. He was upset that he was doing so and yet felt he had too much to risk (financially). He did genuinely seem upset. He really was excited to be a part of this. I hung up the phone and proceeded to release all the emotions that I’d built up over the last 5 or so month. I cried uncontrollably. Part of me was relieved because we were starting to question the level that he was seeking to be involved, and the other part of me mourned the idea of a KD. We have some strong reasons for wanting to use one and I just don’t know if I am strong enough to entertain the idea again. I was crying because I knew that our baby making adventure would once again be put on hold. I cried and cried and cried. I tried to go to bed, but could not stop crying. A. held me until I stopped crying and we went back to bed. I looked terrible the next day. My eyes were all puffy and I cried intermittently through out the day. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone, or even blog, because I would cry. Three days after it happened I told my mom. She was great and we both cried a little. Her friend who used a KD called me on Friday while I was waiting for my plane. This was the first time I was able to talk about it and not cry (an thankfully so since I was in the airport). She was so supportive and gave me some good ideas of how to move on, when we are ready to move on.

Almost two weeks later I am in a much better space. It’s hard to lose our KD, but at the same time, I know it was the right thing. He wanted too much and we were getting caught up in our emotions to be clear enough about wanted we wanted. It could have been great, but it is our job to make sure we are 100% comfortable with a KD. And we were not with him.

We are taking a little break to figure things out and to decide what our next plan will be. And it’s a good thing we decide to do so because my body has decide to force us into a break. I am on CD 43 today (I usually have a 28 day cycle)! I have no clue if I ovulated this cycle. And I am sure it’s going to take a few cycles to get my body back to normal. The stress really has done a number on me. We’ve wondered if I am pregnant (my last period after the insem was the lightest I’ve ever had) and now I am super late. So far the tests have been negative (including this morning). I am going to call my midwife Monday if this continues. And I am hoping so much that I am not pregnant. I can’t imagine having a child with the KD at this point.