I was up all night last night. I am not a very good sleeper but this was ridiculous! We went to bed at 11:30. I laid there and watch the clock tick away. 12:02, 12:29, 30 31, 1:12, 2:39, 2:59. Once I got to 3am I was kicking myself for not getting up hours ago and calling my best friend in Alaska. But instead I finally got up and went to the couch to watch t.v. Normally I would have taken a sleeping pill long before I got to this point (well not normally, but since I am not TTC this cycle, it would’ve been okay). But I am on-call and there is nothing worse than falling into a medicated state of sleep and having to get up to respond to an emergency in the wee hours of the morning.

So there I am on the couch, with my kitty, and Nick at Night television programming! I watched reruns of my favorite childhood shows till 5:15am when A. got up to use the bathroom and I decided to try going to bed. I fell asleep some time around 6am and got up at 9am.

I was WIDE awake. When A. got up I was bouncing off the walls for having been up all night. I am not sure if this was a case of random insomnia, a reaction to the iced tea I drank with dinner, or a result of the huge anxiety ball that has taken up residence in my chest.

I think it’s probably all three with the anxiety exacerbating it. I can’t relax because my body is so tense from stress. Then I start to worry and the anxiety kicks in. I did have a terrible week at work and now I am on call, which is not relaxing, but I have not experienced such anxiety or sleep disturbance since I wasl in college.

Perhaps if I got up and went to my office in the middle of the night and worked on the stuff I am worrying about, it would go away. But I don’t think so. I think the anxiety is partly coming from this process (although work stress is not helping) and all the uncertainty. Our lawyer does not think we should amend the contract as we decided to do with our KD. She is worried about what we want to include and thinks it’s not going to protect us in some areas. She will do it if we tell her to, but she’s advised against it. Now, we are not adding anything we don’t want to, so I want to tell her to shut up and write the damn contract as we want it, that is what we are paying her for right? My rational self knows we are paying her for her legal expertise and as such she wants to write the contract in our best interest. A. and I have not really talked about it. A. spoke with her on Thursday and then told me what she said, but we haven’t have the chance to really process it yet.

All this added to the fact that I have not had a normal chart since my November cycle – my last two charts have not detected ovulation, and I am an enormous ball of anxiety. At times the pit in my chest feels so heavy I have a hard time breathing. And then I go back to thinking, I can’t be stressed while TTC – riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

This blog has been a source of some sanity through this. Here’s hoping for a restful night sleep tonight (or this afternoon, which ever the case maybe).