I am having a less than good day. Nothing really happened to make it a blue day. I think it’s the sadness that I know I have, but can’t seem to feel each month that I don’t get pregnant. It’s complicated. I wrote about this the other day. And I am not sure what my reality is. I want to believe in my previous post. But then I have a day like today. And I wonder if this journey is getting me down. I can’t tell you how long it’s been since I’ve gone a day with out:

  • Obsessing about getting pregnant
  • Reading pregnancy blogs
  • Logging into Fertility Friend over and over and over…

I eat, sleep, and breathe trying to get pregnant. Literally. My sleep is interrupted by having to wake up at 4am to take my temperature, and now I’ve added testing with the Fertility Monitor (which I hope will eventually reduce stress). I have to do all of this at 4 am to get an accurate BBT reading since I have to get up to use the bathroom at some point in the wee hours of the morning. But as soon as I start temping (after my break while bleeding) my sleep is shit. I wake many times in the night, and then I have a hard time falling back to sleep. I am sleep deprived and I don’t even have a baby to show for it. I don’t eat much with out thinking about how it impacts my fertility. We eat pretty healthy – and have for years – but since we started TTC, I’ve found myself thinking more about the food choices I make- for better or worse.

All of this is getting me down. And then I try not to feel down, cause I know stress can negatively impact chances of conception. Now I wonder if my efforts to shake off my stress are inhibiting me from experiencing the feelings I have. I think I tell myself it is not safe to have (feel) them, that I must move on and be positive. I read your blogs and your stories of having a good cry at the start of a new cycle. I wish I could do this.

And then I worry about not being able to get pregnant or not being able to sustain a pregnancy. I have always want to experience pregnancy. The only thing I’ve ever known for sure is that I wanted to be a mother. There are reasons for me to especially worry about sustaining pregnancy. I often say that I am not willing to take fertility medication and that if I can’t get and stay preggo then A. will do it. Between the two of us we are bound to have success. And in the end that would be fine. But I don’t just want to be a mom, I WANT to experience pregnancy. I would and will love any child A. bears, but there is a grief process that has to happen in order to accept not carrying. I know, I am getting ahead of myself here. But these are the things I hear myself say. I’ve told numerous people that I don’t want to take any fertility drugs and that A. will just carry if it came down to that. I say it so matter of factly. Like, I am not able to go to the store so A. will. And really the thought terrifies me. I am so worried that I won’t get (or stay) pregnant. And I feel that each cycle that I don’t get pregnant is one cycle closer to all my fears becoming reality.