I supposed it didn’t just happen.  There were signs leading up to the end.  A gradual break.

A few weeks ago A and I were talking to Mr. E about how when the baby comes it will have milk from Mommy. In a very sad voice he said “I do too.”  Fast forward to this week and my boy seems to have self weaned. He’s a little more than 21 and half months and he has gone more than 48 hours without asking for milk.

Long ago I stopped offering, but continued to give as asked. Looking back, it was when I night weaned him that my supply tanked and since he was nursing more over night than during the day, it makes sense that he’d start to lose interest all together.

I am completely at peace with what seems to be Mr. E’s end of nursing.  My plan was always to let him self wean, even though there were times I doubted he’d ever do it.  Even still I am in a bit of shock that he seems to be doing it, and think any day now he’ll ask for milk.

As he weaned he started asking to snuggle a lot.  Through out the day he comes to me, lovey in hand, and says “snuggle.”  He’s been very directive with me as to just how we will snuggle. He places lovey on my left shoulder and he lays his head on it.  He often asks to snuggle “in the green chair” which is where he used to ask to nurse.  Witnessing this transition, and seeing him decide he is done, and yet carrying over some comfort has been remarkable for me.

I have been ready to end our nursing relationship for some time, but believed in letting him lead the way.  I was committed to nursing through pregnancy if that’s what he wanted.  My only regret is that I will not be nursing him through the flu season but if I am being honest, I am SO thankful to have my breasts back for a while before this next baby lays claim.  However, experiencing his transformation was more than worth my previous desire to be done.

The scene this morning:

Me overcome by nausea. Vomiting. While Mr. E stood by watching. When I could speak I’d say Mommy’s tummy really hurts. Hold on a minute. (This is something we’ve been telling him: Mommy is sick in her tummy, because I’ve been pretty useless these days.)

After several minutes he starts repeating: All done Mommy. ALL DONE!

Ya, I am pretty much all done with the morning sickness, but nonetheless, it’s not done with me. In fact, it’s just getting worse. I can’t take Mr. E to his music class today, the groceries have not been bought in almost two weeks and we NEED food, I need to do a few things at my Dad’s office, but have been too sick to go in.

It was not this bad last time. No where near as bad.

In other news, I had my ultrasound yesterday and we are having one baby! This was a huge relief.

And equally big news– I night weaned Mr. E this week and he has started sleeping in his own room all through the night. I am beyond ecstatic about this!!! We’re down to one nursing a day which I am fine with. I just could not do the over nights anymore.

I’m in the trenches of morning sickness (which is of course a farce because I am sick all day). I don’t remember it being this bad last time.  Here’s hoping the first trimester moves quickly and I am better soon, cause chasing a toddler like this sucks.

I have had the same dream twice. Both times they were in the wee hours before getting a positive pregnancy test.

The first time was back in May 2007; I took an hpt and saw two lines.  It was the night before we were going to test.  I vividly remember the pure joy in that dream upon seeing two pink lines.  When I awoke, and the lines materialized that excitement was realized.

Two nights ago I had the same dream. And again two pink lines formed.

Now, I had tested countless cycles prior to these and even within these cycles and never had the dream except for the nights before the positives came.  I can’t explain it…

We are starting to settle into the idea that we’re having a June Bug and when I ask Mr. E where Mommy’s baby is he points to my belly and says “in there.”  My nephew asked me how many babies are in my belly?  Ummmm…

Today I scheduled an ultrasound for when I am six weeks to take a peek and see just how many?  (I took Clomid and did not have ultrasound monitoring pre-ovulation so there’s a chance of multiples – I’ve produced anywhere from one to three eggs on previous Clomid cycles.)  We’re going with the some-what-local-midwife, who is an hour away.  As much as I want to return the one who has gotten me pregnant not once, but twice, I just can’t travel three hours each way for prenatal appointments.  The local midwife (as well as the hospital and nurses) comes highly recommended by all the mamas here.  It seems as though the environment and support will be very much that of what I had during my last pregnancy and birth experience.

Thanks for all the love and support and congratulations.  We are on cloud nine here and hoping this baby sticks and grows healthy.

EDD: June 3, 2010

We’re approaching that time in the two week wait were we can fathom testing.  We know it’s too early, but surely women have gotten BFPs at 11dpo, right?  So tomorrow morning I will POAS. Woah!

This time around, the TWW is just as agonizing, but the bigness of what we are doing is much more pronounced to me.  Last time it was all hypothetical: can I get pregnant? Pregnant with a baby. Now it’s all so real.  Another child, a sibling for Mr. E. Another nursling.  A real being that I can comprehend. I mean, I really thought I carrying an alien for the better part of my last pregnancy. I could not wrap my head around it.  This time it’s all very different.

We probably won’t have any conclusive results for another three or so days…but let the fun being!

The two week wait is just as agonizing the second time around.

As we quickly move closer to ovulation day, it seems as though everything is perfect.

Traveling three hours away from home with a toddler, coordinating where to stay, child care for the insemination, check ins with my midwife, requesting a sperm pick up, registering for the pick up…it’s all done. And I have a day and a half left to pack before we leave!

I have never needed a village more than I do right now.  When we decided I would travel for inseminations I knew there would be a lot to work out, but I could not factor those details into the decision. Surely I would have canceled the plan. But an amazing friend has opened her home and offered her time so that I don’t have to worry about many of the details. This has enabled me to stay in my zen-I’m-gonna-get-pregnant-really freaking-soon-state. My midwife is just as giddy with excitement as I am, and I don’t have to pick up the Popsicle siblings until 8am on Monday! (Previously was told 7:30am!!!)

There is a 50 percent chance the insemination will be with my favorite midwife who is on-call on Tuesday. When she told me this I said: Well I’ll hope for Tuesday and she said, Me too!

So………HERE WE GO!

There are two very new, very big things going on and with a toddler in the house, there is nary a moment to blog about them.

First, A was offered and accepted a job teaching 5th grade.  Hallelujah.  While we feel like we’ve won the lottery, I think we’re both more excited over the health insurance, more specifically severing our relationship with our state health joke plan.

And equally exciting…I am popping C.lomid!  We are on target for a Labor Day insem with our old midwife, in our old town, where Mr. E’s Popsicle siblings live.  I’ve loved having the chance to reconnect with our MW and and over the moon excited to be seeing her again.  Logistics are, well chaotic, but I am zen.  In my mind I’m already pregnant.

I know, I know.  I’ve had a good amount of back and fourth regarding the start of our next TTC journey.  We had decided to use a new practice in our new home.  It was a decision based on logic and not feeling, which never really sits well with me.  As chance would have it, my cycles became wacky — pretty typical of when I get stressed.  I finally faced my fear and decided there is no way in hell I’m starting over with a new practice.  I will deal with the inconvenience of travel & of not knowing what I’ll do with Mr. E while getting knocked up in order to return to my old midwife, the one who helped us get Mr. E.

And like that, the old body started ovulating on schedule. And I felt at peace with TTC. One phone call to my old MW to see if she’d work with us – long distance, one Clomid prescription later, and the game is on for early September!

The timing feels right to me in so many ways.  First, Mr. E, while still nursing, mostly comfort nurses and seemingly gets very little milk.  I was concerned about how the Clomid would affect my supply (it will dry me up for the five days I am on it).  I am not ready to wean him, so the thought of doing something to make it stop brought terrible guilt, but he’s cut way back, thus the milk has declined, and he is content just to suck.  So taking Clomid is no longer a huge concern of mine.

Second, since hitting 18 months, he’s turned a kid, not a baby (although he is still very very very clingy). I can carry on conversations with him, we laugh and play, and everyday with him is better than the one before.  His shift into toddler/kid seems like a natural progression into us moving forward with growing our family.

I am doing my best to stay in the head space needed to start this process again.  The first time we did it,  I believed, somewhat foolishly that I would get pregnant on the first try.  I was full of hope and optimism.  And two and a half years later, when I DID get pregnant, I began the cycle high on faith.  I believe in the power of positive thinking and I believe in Clomid.  We have five shots at making a full biological sibling for Mr. E, and I don’t have any negativity to waste.