I think it’s safe to day we have a schedule!!!!!

Most days look like this:

7:30 wake up.

8:30 start walk, Mr. E takes a cat nap while I walk.

10:00 nurse and go down for morning nap.

12 wake up play, run errands, etc.

1:30 nurse

2:00 nap

3:45 wake up play

5:00 nurse

6:00 eat dinner

6:30 bath, stories, bed

I feel so accomplished that we’ve finally got a routine! I can make appointments and plan my day around his sleep now. Oh happy day!

Let’s just say loving my postpartum body has not always been easy.

While I was pregnant, and once I was past the first trimester hell where I could not eat anything, I developed an appetite like I’d never known. People who knew my eating habits pre-pregnancy could not believe how much I could eat. I took the eating for two thing serious, and enjoyed every bite!

No one told me that breastfeeding also makes you hungry. I knew I needed an extra 500 calories a day, but I didn’t realize how much more I would want.

My baby was born in January, in New England and we were constantly coated in snow or ice or both. I was home, and hungry.

Whoever said just breastfeed and the weight will melt right off was not keeping my lifestyle.

Recently I got off my ass and started exercising. For real. Kind of the way I did before I got pregnant. As in, sweat drips off my body and I can feel the effects. No more pushing our fancy-pants stroller up and down our road, while stopping to talk to every neighbor. We live a quarter of a mile from a state park filled with trails. It’s a beautiful place to be and as a baby, I was pushed by my own mother over these trails many times. I’m logging 3-6 miles a day of hilly terrain with Mr. E in tow in our jogging stroller. It is a work out.

Since starting this, and trying to eat better I’ve lost five pounds, putting me NINE pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight! I am not dieting. I am breastfeeding, and that is my number one priority over getting my body back. So I still take in the required calories, but I am doing so in a healthier fashion and exercising. I feel amazing. My body forgot how much it likes to exercise. I even tested the waters a little today and ran a portion of the trail. Pre pregnancy, running was my thing.

I am not so naive as to think I will get my body back. There are somethings that will always be different. But, I feel better, and I’m building up my strength. All of this helps to make me feel better and more at home in my new body. And really, that’s what I’ve longed for.

No. Crashing and burning would be more accurate. I think nearly six month of sleep deprivation (we won’t even talk about the pregnancy sleep deprivation) has finally caught up with me. I am so exhausted all the effing time.  Thank God I am stubborn because it’s the only thing keeping me from even considering supplementing with formula so that A could do some over night feedings. If I ever caught up with pumping then breast milk bottles over night would be an option but I just can’t seem to figure out a system to replenish my once plentiful stash.

I am ready for him to sleep through the night!

There are lots of opinions about raising healthy sleepers. And lots of controversy too.

I’ve read a couple of books, varying from attachment parenting to cry it out (CIO). We practiced something in the middle. Until four nights ago. Mr. E started going down really hard for naps and at bedtime as well. He went from being able to be put down awake and then falling asleep on his own, to needing lots and lots and lots of help falling asleep. All this in a very short time. A and I were not impressed and we missed our baby who peacefully lulled himself to sleep. One night in a moment of “what the hell do we do?” we both decided to let him cry. For 20 minutes. He wailed for the entire 20 minutes. We were both so tired that the crying  didn’t grate on us too much. We checked on him at the 20 minute mark. Reinserted his pacifier and repositioned his lovey; he fell immediately off to sleep.

The next night we did the bed time routine. Nurse if he’s hungry, read several stories, kisses and put him in his crib. Crying ensued. Again we agreed to check him at the 20 minute mark. We went out to the screen porch and turned off the monitor! A went in after 20 minutes, only to be informed by my Dad that he stopped crying after 15 minutes.

On the third night he whimpered for about ten minutes.

Tonight, the fourth night, I kissed him, laid him in his crib and he made one pathetic cry. About ten minutes later there were a few more soft cries, but no hysterics. He’s been asleep for an hour now.

My friends, I am a believer in CIO. We do it for naps during the day now too, and guess what? He cries for less than five minutes and is then down for close to two hours.

Now. If we could only figure out the middle of the night…

Growing up we always unplugged our electronics during a thunder storm. So as the thunder booms outside and the rain unforgiving pours down, is it okay to use my breast pump? Hope so, Mr. E needs food while I am at work tomorrow.

It happened ever so innocently. Mr. E’s big cousin was over and wanted to watch Elm.o. Mr. E happened to be in the room and we watched with shock how he tuned right in and began laughing at that silly red character. A few days later I needed to take a shower, he was awake, and well, I put him down and turned El.mo on. He sat there, completely entertained loving every minute. Now it happens about once a week. Sometime I just can’t time my shower with his naps - especially on the days when we are trying to go somewhere in the morning. Today, I let him watch while I unloaded the groceries.

Pre-baby I was anti t.v., anti kids watching t.v. Now, I am sorry, I can’t help it, sometimes I just need a few minutes.

We have a tooth!

We were settled in our usual spot all the way in the back at church today. My mother was holding Mr. E and per usual, everything goes in this mouth. Next I know my mother said, he just bit me! And of course the three of us got all excited and started looking in and feeling…while church marched on around us.

Well at least now we know why he was so cranky last week. He is in a much better mood now. It’s amazing how much happier he is. Now, I need to be ready to put an end to and nursing bitting. Crap.

Now that my period is back and my cycle is on its way to regulating there’s been talk of ttc our second child (please let it only be one, after all I am a clomid gal). I want to enjoy this time with Mr. E and not rush into the next baby. As we walk the path back to ttc, that is my marker for readiness. We have (moving) target dates for when we’ll start, and ideas about minimally how far apart we’re comfortable with them being. But one thing that never changes, we’re impulsive, we change our minds every other day, and we’re probably so sleep deprived that we shouldn’t even be permitted to make the decision to have another one. And after my half day with Mr. E and our two nephews (10 months and 3 years), I began to reconsider another one altogether. Taking care of all three is exhausting. Picture this: Mr. E on me in the Ergo, 10 month old J in the stroller, 3 year old J riding his bike. Now, me running after J on his bike, while wearing Mr. E and pushing the stroller. And that’s the scene when the babies are confined. When we’re in the house it’s nuts!

But I digress. We will try for another. And we’ll probably do it sooner rather than later, and most likely sooner than we originally planned. As A said to me last night “why drag out having you home forever. Let’s just have the kids and be done with it.” (Of course she said it lovingly.)

All this talk has propelled me back to my time being pregnant. Somehow it doesn’t seem so bad. But I know it was. I know I was uncomfortable, and everything hurt, and I was emotional, and so on. But now, now, I yearn for the closeness with Mr. E that we shared for 10 months. I remember walking around while pregnant, thinking how amazing it was that he went everywhere with me, and dreading the day that would cease to be true. The other night something moved in my stomach (probably gas) and it felt as it did when Mr. E was in me moving. And I longed to feel that intimacy with him.

I hated being pregnant so I can’t believe I miss anything about it or that I am nostalgic and wanting to do it again. I already know breastfeeding will be the same. I didn’t know if I’d like bfing, and it turns out I am pretty damn good at it and so is he. I can’t say as though I love it, but I don’t hate it, I enjoy the time together, and most of all I am humbled to be so fortunate as to produce food for my child. I have every intention of bfing till he’s one, and then will see what happens. TTC plans may necessitate weaning. No mater what I know I will miss it when we’re done. Just as I somehow now miss being pregnant.

Now that Mr. E has learned how to roll over we are okay with him sleeping on his tummy. We’ve found him on his tummy a few times in the crib and when I put him down for his morning nap today, he immediately rolled over. And proceeded to sleep for THREE hours. I got a lot accomplished during those three hours, it was amazing. And perhaps even more exciting, he’s down now for his second nap of the day. We’re trying to move from lots of small naps to two substantial naps. Today we are a success. I can only hope it continues.

This week begins my true true stay at home mom role. I’ve been working 20 hours, over three to four days since we moved and while that does not sound like a lot, it is when you are trying to manage work and a kid. And by that I mean a work life and a kid life. Really delving in at work and getting things done, then completely shifting gears at home to entertain and care for Mr. E, when all I really wanted was to be with him all the time.

What I’ve learned is that I don’t make that shift too easily. On the days I worked, I came home and couldn’t get into the Mr. E groove, on the day(s) I was home I found myself cramming in all the SAHM things I wanted to do, since I only had one to two days to do them. In short, I could not find balance. Now I am working one and a half days in the office with a little bit of working from home. A is working 40 hours, in the 9-5:30 fashion. I couldn’t be happier, and neither could she.

I can’t explain why I love being home. There is something relaxing about hanging out with Mr. E, playing silly games, and dancing to childrens music for hours on end that feeds my soul. I wrote often while I was on maternity leave about how peaceful I felt, a feeling completely new to me. Well I’m already beginning to feel that peacefulness again. Sometimes I forget that I was on a career path. And until not too long ago, didn’t have any intention of stepping of my path.

There are times when I feel as though I am seeing myself in a mirror, and just can’t believe I gave myself permission to apply the brakes. To listen to the voice that told me I wanted to stay home, and to chance the resume void that SAHMs inevitably create. While A and I ate dinner tonight and chatted about our days, she excited to be back to working full time, me ecstatic to be home, I told her how odd it feels not to know when I will return to full time professional work out side the home. It really could be years. And I am okay with that.