I had to buy disposable diapers today.  I have not ever done this.  But Mr. E has a diaper rash that, despite all my best efforts I can not get under control so I wanted to send him to bed with tons of diaper rash cream on his bum and this is something I can not do with cloth diapers.  So I went out and bought disposables and DR cream.  And man it feels indulgent!  Although, I have no plans to become a convert.  I love cloth diapering!

You know that line in A Christmas Story?  The one that goes: My mother never ate a hot meal in her life.

Most mornings it’s at least 10:30 before I realize I have not eaten breakfast, but my son has.  I am trying to get it together so we eat together in the morning, but coffee is my priority and that’s about all I can make while making his breakfast.

This morning was much like most mornings, except I DID manage to toast a bagel and put cream cheese on it with 20 minutes of him eating his breakfast.  E was playing so I sat down, coffee, bagel, & computer.  I’d taken a few bites from the first half while reading something on-line.  Damned if I can remember what it was, but it was captivating and thus I ignored that strange sound to my right.  When I finally did look over my effing cat had licked half the cream cheese off my bagel!!!! I held it for a few moments, debating whether or not I should still eat it. I came very close to chomping in and then remembered all the dead mice and birds she leaves us, and thought better.  I tossed it and did not have time to make a second one.

Just now I looked outside to see the same cat drinking from the birdbath.  Man am I glad I didn’t eat the bagel!

Hey remember me?  The person who spent oodles of time writing here not that long ago?  I think of you every so often, I start to compose posts in my head, and from time to time I actually log in type a few lines and then decide I am too scattered to focus.  But you know what I miss you.  A lot.  And I miss the blog community that was so supportive of us as we were trying, through pregnancy, and up until I left you.

Life has been hectic and busy and full. To say the least.

Mr. E turned 18 months yesterday.  He’s at a very fun and entertaining stage.  His words are developing so quickly and his learning just blows me away sometimes. He is still a very clingy boy. Thankfully I have a friend IRL who has a two year old who was (is…) much like Mr. E.  It’s incredibly supportive to be able to commiserate about just how hard it is to have a child who it literally attached to you all.day.long.

Mr. E is still very much in love with my boobs, and I have reached my second breast feeding goal -18 months.  No more goals.  Yesterday was the first time I really felt like if this kid did not stop sucking on me I was going to lose it.  Thankfully be obliged me and took a yogurt drink instead.  (Just saying the word “yogurt drink” bring him to such excitement and he utters “ooooooooooh” in the cutest voice.  I’m not saying that I am going to wean him, just sayin’ sometimes it’s hard.

Mr. E also has not figured out the sleeping through the night thing.  I’d take four hours, but it’s more like two.  I feel like I have a newborn most days.  He does, thankfully love his nap and goes down religiously from 12-3 everyday.

Life in general is flying by us.  A is in the midst of a job search, with one mediocre offer on the table and a very good chance of another, better one.  While exciting, this is causing us a great deal of stress as we wait and pray to the employment goddesses to tip in our favor.

We’re growing vegetable in our back yard and particpating in a local farm CSA, which makes me ridiculously happy.  I also seem to be forever hanging diapers in our back yard and wondering, when can we potty train?

Summer brings with it lots of visitors and that is always fun and exciting.  Living in a touristy area, we have also been taking great advantage of all the vacation-y things to do.  Sunday night music in the park, beach, etc.  If we can’t afford to go on vacation, we’ll just pretend!

We are gearing up to start trying…but still trying to figure my post partum, breastfeeding body and how it ovulates. Soon, I hope. I think if I get too far from this exhausted state, I won’t ever want to do it again with a second baby.

If you are still reading along, thanks!  I hope to be back again soon.

July was going to be our month. I met with the new midwife, A contacted our storage facility. We signed the papers to have our sperm shipped. Sounds like a plan, right? All our ducks in a row, right? Ya, but it seems my body didn’t get the memo and has gone on an ovulation hiatus. So we wait, for an unknown amount of time.

I am trying *so* hard to remain zen about the whole situation. I know from the first time around that rushing things is a recipe for disaster, that timing is everything, and that the baby we will get *someday* will be meant for us and worth the wait.

I do wish we were starting to try, but circumstances are not right. As A and I continue to settle into our new home (it’s been 14 months…), I find the stress of nurturing our new roots taking it’s toll on my body. I know I am blessed with the toddler we have and I know we’ll know when the time is right to make him a big brother.

My son is 16.5 months; he breastfeeds on demand 24 hours a day. I’ve read over and over on the on-line boards where the child is “still breastfeeding” but it’s only first thing in the morning and last thing before bed.  And I wonder, how does this happen? E tells me when he wants milk by signing, and there is no pattern. If I do not oblige him he begins to point to my breasts and says “that,” and if I still don’t comply he attempts to lift my shirt.

Let me make one thing clear, I have no desire to wean him and no plans for when I will wean him. If I’m being honest, I’d say I hope he self-weans. I do not feel it is up to me to take it away, but I also don’t really want to be nursing a four year old (and knowing him, he’d nurse forever if I let him). And I guess I am just not used to breast feeding on demand being so, well, demanding. I don’t understand how you have a breastfeeding schedule, and I guess, I am finding it hard to nurse a toddler in public. He’s on and off a zillion times and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel weird. Not because I am nursing my son but because I know (many) people think it’s freakish to nurse this long.

Extended breastfeeding has been a really wonderful thing for us. It has provided comfort when E has been very sick, it has provided pain relief as he cut his molars, and it continues to provide the best nourishment possible. I know he’s crossed over to nursing almost exclusively for comfort, as he will no longer accept milk in a cup (which kills me as I have a freezer full of milk for the first time, and it is starting to “expire”). But he’s also still growing and developing which means nursing continues to play a crucial role in his life. And so we will continue, and I will hold out the hope that he knows when the time is right to stop and I will be able to accept it. Because after all, I am just as attached to our nursing relationship.

Yeah so I had this whinny post all typed up about how we finally did Mr. E’s allergy testing and so far we know he is allergic to peanuts and dogs and not coconuts. More testing to come on all nuts. And then I went on about how there isn’t a dermatologist within a 50 mile radius who is A) accepting new patients or B) accepting new patients and works with children under the age of two. And given that Mr. E’s pedi wants him to see a dermatologist for some weird bump things on his scalp, I was left with no other option but to try to get him into Child.ren’s Hospita.l in B.oston. So that process has been started. I am starting to feel like a full-time case-manager. It’s been an overwhelming day to say the least.

But, you know, a peanut allergy, although potentially very scary is not the end of the World. We know about. We are armed with EpiPens. We are taking action to protect our son. And as for the dermatologist situation, I am actually secretly relived that we’ll be going to the best hospital in the World and hopefully we can also get some guidance on his eczema while we are there…

But instead of wallowing in my own self pity over all this, I am delighted. You see, I have been a co-sleeping fan since our second night home from the hospital. A, not such a fan. But, we’ve been doing it nonetheless. Today, she became a convert. Our sweet little E woke up this morning, crawled over me and onto A. She told him she had to get up to take a shower, he fussed and hugged her tighter. She cuddled him.

Tonight she gushed, I guess it is really great to wake up with him right there and to snuggle. Yes my friends, she thinks co-sleeping is great!

As I do every Monday afternoon, I am watching my two nephews, ages 4 years and 21 months.

The four year old looked on as I nursed Mr. E after his nap:

J: What is E doing?

Me: He’s having milk.

J: Is he biting you?

And as I changed Mr. E’s diaper:

J: Does E have a pee pee:

Me: Yes he does.

J: Is it small?

Patting his own belly:

J: I have a baby in my belly!

Me: You do?

J: Yes. We’re going to have a new baby soon.

For mother’s day, all the mothers in my life decided we’d go out, sans children. My father generously agreed to stay with Mr. E. We left just after I put him down for a nap and we were gone almost four hours. If I told you that I was not at all nervous about leaving Mr. E with my Dad I would be lying. It’s not because I think he would ever harm him, not all, it’s just that he’s just not naturally a baby person. Mr. E adores my dad, and my dad adores him though, so we left him with him and knew all would be fine.

When we got home, my father had Mr. E out in the back yard, He was wearing his shirt and a diaper. A pre fold with a cover. My Dad, impeccably diapered him in a pre fold with a cover (it was diaper washing day and the easy-to-use FuzziBuz were still hanging on the line). All worriers were averted, and it was so clear how both of them loved their time together.

And we women had a leisurely lunch. It was perfect. And to top it off, my Dad paid for the lunch!

becoming a mother has turned me into the biggest sap.

I can not stomach violence. I never really could, but now, when I hear about children being hurt or parents having their kids taken from them, or children not receiving proper care, and so on, I literally fell sick.

I can not imagine doing anything to harm my son. I go so far out of my way to see to it that his every need is taken care of.  I have made parenting decisions that benefit him and leave me exhausted. But at the end of the day, I know that I am doing what’s best for our family.

On the rare occasion that he “whines” himself to sleep (soooo not full on CIO), I cringe at the thought of him whining in his crib, but know how tired he is and that he really needs to go to sleep.  Overnight I attend to him upon each waking, and all day I respond to his incessant requests to be held. (He’s learned how to ask to be worn in the Ergo!)

I just can’t imagine not responding to my baby. I can not imagine him in serious pain or distress. And yet it’s not enough. I feel so overwhelmed by the news reports of child neglect and violence. I feel paralyzed by the news reports. I want to keep my son in a bubble forever, and I know I can not, and that it would not be good for him.

Ya. So this has been on my mind for oh, about 16 months. It seems so obvious to me, but I guess I’ve never really said it our loud, or written it here.

Help with designing a new blog.

If you have experience or know how, let me know. I am looking for something fairly basic but don’t have the time to actually do it. Please leave a comment and I will email you with more details and you can let me know how much I might expect to spend.

Thanks.