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Today was the day we were supposed to meet The New Midwife.
Eight weeks ago I scheduled an appointment and arranged childcare so that A could come with me. As we were driving to Maine last Friday I received a phone call from the TNM’s office informing me they needed to reschedule…EIGHT freaking weeks ago…and just like that – nope, sorry you don’t get to come in! If she were not the most reputable midwife in this area, I swear I’d been looking for a new one… My appointment is rescheduled and *I’ll meet her in FOUR weeks.
(*A will have to stay home to watch E.)
Up until the phone call on Friday we were still on the fence about involving TNM to get pregnant and I wasn’t making a solid TTC plan until we met her, and figured out how the logistics would play out if we used her to TTC. But now we’ve pretty much decided to use our old midwife, which will be a logistical nightmare and involve lots of travel for inseminations. But at the same time, I will have all my care under one person, where as with TNM there would be lots of people involved. Mr. E and I will crash with friends where we use to live for a night or two every cycle. And this is where I start to stress…
I don’t really want to deal with friends knowing that we are TTC. It just adds a layer of stress. And I am not so sure I really want to call up an old friend once a month and say “hey can my baby and I stay with you tonight? I’m ovulating.” I am sad that A will not be by my side, as she was for every insemination and prenatal appointment. I also don’t really love staying in hotels with a baby. Baby bedtime = lights out.
I am trying to be so zen about the whole process. I have made a pact with myself not to become the crazy, TTC, loony woman — that I once was. I’ve told myself that I will not go to the same lengths to get pregnant that I did with Mr. E. I am *TRYING* to be satisfied with the blessing that I already have.
It’s not easy.
I am starting to get frustrated with the process. I am resentful, YET AGAIN, that the act of becoming pregnant involves other people. I am stressed about the details. We have no more than five shots with Mr. E’s donor (less if we do more than one insemination per cycle). I am trying to think of the travel inseminations as temporary. I’ll do it so long as we have sperm in storage in our old town. Then reassess, if needed.
I want so much to be prenant again. To have one more child. To give Mr. E a sibling. I WANT IT SO BADLY. And some days, I just don’t think I am strong enough to do it.
I was standing at the check out counter and Mr. E was sitting in the grocery cart. I could hear the person working on the next register over and a customer comment on how cute Mr. E is. Then the register worker said:
You can never tell these days if it’s a boy or a girl.
And the customer responded:
Oh I know, isn’t it such a shame!
WTF?! First of all i was RIGHT THERE! Second of all, while his outfit could be consdiered gender neutral, it was leaning towards ‘boy’ (only because finding truely gender neutral clothes for everyday of the week is damn near impossible). But since his outfit was not 100% blue, they were bothered. Some people really irk me.
Most days I really am glad we left the ‘two mom capital of Massachusetts’ to be with family. The joy on Mr. E’s face when he sees his cousins everyday is proof that we made the right choice. And I have met some cool moms here, most of whom didn’t bat eye when I told them Mr. E has two moms. I even have one mom friend who is as enthusiastic about breastfeeding as I am, which is pretty rare here. But you know, we all bring different things to this world and I know A and I do things opposite of mainstream, and I am okay with that. We do what works for us and others do what works for them, and we can still be friends.
Cool.
But I can NOT stand it when people go out of their way to tell me they are “cool with that stuff.” Meaning queer folks in general. If you feel like you need to tell me that you are “cool” with my family, fine. I don’t really see the point and quite honestly, find it somewhat offensive, but once you’ve said it, don’t repeat yourself over and over. And don’t remain so shocked at learning that I am a queer mom that you forgot the answer to the question you just asked me, and therefore asked the same question again. And don’t assume my son was adopted. And don’t ask me how I conceived either. Ok? Cause these are all pretty personal questions, and they are all answers that I will likely share with you, once I’ve come to know you and feel ready to open up.
Thanks.
Remember this post?
Well it turns out she also has a Live Journal login – not a journal that she write in (at least not that I know of) but she has a log in and she leaves comments!
My computer was in my bedroom and my nephew was napping in the crib in there so I couldn’t get my computer, but I needed to look up a recipe on-line so I used her computer. And it was open. To the journal she reads and comments on. OMG. I didn’t read it (too much) and from what I saw it looks like it’s one of her client’s.
Seriously, I am not ready for my mother to be this techy!
My mother is a hip grandmother. She’s always been “young” – she’s a kid at heart. She works mostly with teenagers and knows more about sex, drugs, and rock and roll than I do (and the drugs are starting to scare me – not her using, the kids around here). She’s in touch with all the latest and greatest, much in part to the kids and teens she works with.
She also goes through obsessive phases. She drives a red VW beetle. So she needed a red razor phone (when they were new), and a red iPod. Well I made the mistake of giving A a red iPod for Christmas last year. And my dad did not give my mother one. He made up for it two months later on her birthday. She got her red iPod and a Bose dock. She dose everything with her iPod. Exercises, weeds in the yard, all yard work really. She loves it. And she loves loves loves the iTunes store. She also uses it to show off her grand kids. She makes albums in her iPhoto (on her MacBook), uploads them to her iPod and is out the door to meet her high school friends – ready to show off the latest pictures.
So far, so good. But, she has crossed into one of my internet haunts, Facebook. Several months back, A and I made a private blog for family to see pictures of Mr. E. We had constant requests from people for new pictures and since we’ve been blogging for a while we knew it would be easier to update a blog than to send emails with pictures. We invited my mother to view the blog.
Next thing I know she says to me, ok my Facebook account is set up so now I should be able to view the blog. Both A and I turned and said, what? She’d heard us talking about Facebook, and some how got it in her head that in order to log into the blog, she needed a Facebook account… So yeah, now my mom hangs out on Facebook, and has even “friended” some of my friends (people I went to high school with and she knows really really well).
I’ve been circling the internet in many ways for many years, and never had to think, oh my mom may read this. Not that I have things to hide, but you know, it makes me think twice before I set me “status” on Facebook now. It’s weird. Very very weird.
Even though I am out of the working madness world I still get excited about Fridays. It’s exciting because everyone is home on the weekends and that means I have help. (Well, theoretically at least). But lately, as Fridays approach and our family lets loose, I’ve started to feel frustrated. I want a day off! How amazing would it be to to just have one day off? I’d settle for an afternoon. How nice would it be to have a change of pace? Maybe I’d finally get my hair cut (it’s been six months). Or I’d do any number of the zillions of things on the “to do” list.
It’s hard to be at Mr. E’s beck and call 24 freaking hours a day seven days a week. A works long hours, and we only enjoy one day together every week; and I work a full day on her other day off. Our close proximity to family, (yes, it comes with trade offs, I know) nets babysitting requests. And they are coming more and more. I watch our two nephews one half day a week in exchange for one half day of care for Mr. E. In addition to my half day this week I had older nephew for about three hours today and have younger (who’s sick at the moment) nephew for about three hours tomorrow. I love our nephews, but it’s really hard to juggle three kids and I plain do not enjoy having Mr. E and younger nephew at the same time (they are 5 months apart). It’s too much work.
I know we chose to have a baby and tried really hard to get him. So don’t tell me I got what I wished for. I did, and am thankful everyday for our son. But that does not mean that I can’t get cranky when I feel every ounce of energy sucked out of me, and yearn for just a little alone time. It’s true what they say about babies changing everything. But until you’ve lived it, you just can’t comprehend just how much things change. I will never ever be first again. It’s all about his needs now.
A and I talk about this all the time – you have to or else you’d go nuts with the personal space/time deficit. I’ve begun dreaming of taking a weekend away. With A. Leaving Mr. E behind. It will be a while before it happens, but when it does, it will be amazing, and full of room-service, and champagne. As soon as the boy is off the breast and sleeping through the night, we need to plan a trip. Seriously, I need a a day off, or maybe even two.
Please, please, PLEASE stop being so effed up! I am sick of logging in and finding bloggers’ old posts highlighted as if there are new. I just logged in and you are telling me I have 1952 new feeds to read. My life is busy so I can only keep up with the 51 blogs that I regularly read by using you, so please, get your act together and stop refreshing old posts. Ok?
Love,
E
Several weeks ago I realized I was struggling to put my socks on. Now, I have to sit down (on a chair – never the floor I wouldn’t be able to get up!), grab my ankle and pull my foot up onto my opposite leg in order to put a sock on my foot.
As I waddled up the stairs last night A. started laughing at me.
So, pretty much I am undeniably preggo at this point.
I’ve been following this story since I first read about it over the summer. I can’t believe the court ruling, and that the Board of Medical Examiners are the organization that originally denied the request! Just another incident of how un-family friendly this country is.
Okay so I was flaming mad when I posted yesterday. And yes, there were probably even some pregnancy hormone induce tears while typing. After several hours and being really worked up I tried to figure out what I was so mad about. It was not that I will have to deplete my vacation. I’ll only have about six weeks of work when I return from maternity and after that I will either go on summer vacation (remember I am a 10.5 month employee) or leave my job all together. What I was mad about was how patronizing our HR office is. They are not helpful and will really work to make you feel dumb. And then I was mad that in the last 14 weeks this is what had me the most upset. I was pissed that I was so stressed after my meeting because of the way I was treated, not necessarily because of the ridiculous policy, though I think it stinks.
Once A. got home from work I was a lot better. We were able to talk a lot and vent even more. During this, I pulled up the maternity leave policy. I am going to quote the portion that address the vacation time usage and you tell me what you think:
…If the employee works up to the date of delivery, then 8 weeks of paid leave begin at that point. Up to 4 weeks of additional leave may be taken after that under FMLA, for a total of 12 weeks. Some or all of the additional 4 weeks may be paid through, for example, vacation time or personal days.
No where in this does it state that women are required to deplete their vacation time. My mother taught me well and I am preparing for a fight. It’s not about the time, it’s about the principle. My game plan is to meet with my supervisor and fill her in on my experience. I want to feel her out to see what she thinks. Then I am planing on meeting with the ombuds person to discuss my options. This employer walks all over the staff and I am sick of it. I know several new moms that are as feed up with the maternity leave “policy” as I am, and I am in a position to bring it up. I don’t fear the politics of this place.
Oh, but this is not the only fight we’re preparing for…oh no it gets better. And the common theme is vacation.
After I had settled down A. and I finally worked out our plans for next January. She has to quit her job to start student teaching around the time the baby is due and we had hoped she’d be done by the time I have to go back to work. So we made a plan and we both felt relieved. Then I started talking about using some vacation time in September to visit our soon-to-be born nephew. She wants to come, but has to be conservative with her vacation time this year because, while she got the lump sum on July 1, if she uses more than she is “entitled” to before leaving at the end of January, she will have to pay it back. I figured out how much time she can use between then and now. But things were not matching up with her leave plan balance. I’ll spare you all the calculating I did, but it turns out when A. went full time TWO YEARS ago (she used to work 28 hours) our HR department never increased her benefits. So for two years her vacation and personal time has been prorated. And you know what, after we realized this, the conversation felt familiar. Two years ago we pointed this out to them, AND THEY NEVER FIXED IT! So my task today is to go through two years worth of pay stubs and figure out how much time they owe her, and also start figuring out if she’s been paying more for her health insurance, perhaps that’s still being pro-rated too! All I can say is my head hurts. This is such a huge mess and I am so pissed that we have to spend the energy to clean it up.
Now do you believe me that they are incompetent?
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