Category Archive

So much to say …

Days even weeks pass now with out me posting. I have lots I want to write about but just can’t seem to find the time. When I do have time I am either exhausted or want to spend time with A. I’ve had thoughts of abandoning this blog all together, as I seem to neglect it so much. But it’s been such a huge part of my life for almost three years. I guess I am trying to figure out how it fits into my life now.

On the Mr. E front:

~He turned 5 months on Monday. I can’t believe it. He’s really coming alive and continues to charm everyone. The kid has a smile that melts hearts. And he loves people.

~We’re still working on EC and he is getting better and better at the potty. We’re shocked at how easy it’s been. He is so cute on the potty and moms love not having to wash poopy diapers!

~He ditched the swaddle. Some time in the last month we stopped using a swaddle. I forget what prompted it but we tried it one night and he slept fine. So he’s swaddle free. In a lot of ways this is great because we can easily have him nap in his stroller when we’re at the beach or when he comes to the office with me, but it’s also sad because my little baby is growing too fast!

~He has a lovey, two really. When we abandoned the swaddle we introduced a “lovey” - which is in my opinion, the most ingenious baby accessory. We just snuggle it near his check and he is immediately soothed and relaxes. When I saw how well it worked in the crib, I put one in my car…and wouldn’t you know, he does not scream in the car anymore (we even had a successful trip to Maine this past weekend). Coincidence? All I know is that it works.

~Mr. E was the star of his Mama’s graduation last Sunday! He was so proud of her!

~He’s started grabbing things. The other day he put both hands around my seltzer can and pulled it to his mouth! This is a baby who gets about 10 bottles a week! But he’s been watching us eat and drink, with great interest for several weeks. I will be excited to start solids in a month.

~ He is pulling up as though to do sit ups. He wants to sit up so bad.

~He’s “this close” to rolling over.

the cuteness:

On the E and A front:

~ For those who are not my Face Book friends (come on, why aren’t we friends?!) or if you are and you didn’t see my status yesterday, I am now 30. It’s so not as big of a deal as people make it out to be. A gave me a “mother’s necklace” with Mr. E’s birthstone in it. And she was sure to tell me we can add more stones. I said, great, I can’t wait till there are three stones… (11 months and counting till we start ttcing again.)

~ Tomorrow we will have been married for four years. We’re packing up the boy and spending the day in P-Town.

~ A got a new job that is not teaching, but she is excited about it and her hours will pretty much put me back to full time SAHM, which I am sooooo effing excited about! I’ll work one full day a week and the rest of my hours will be working from home and in the evenings.

Those are all our updates. Some day I hope to get back into my blog. Life’s just too crazy right now.

As A says, “we’re on the sandbar.” It’s been a little more than a week since we managed to pack all our belongings (ok, most, we had to part with some items that would not fit) into a UHaul and drive away from the place we moved to five years ago, with every intention of setting down roots and raising a family. We were sad as we drove away, in separate vehicles, A with the over stuffed UHaul, me with the baby. We’ve made the same trip East, hundreds of time since moving there but I can’t describe the feeling of leaving it all behind. There are things we’ll miss, friends we’ll miss, places we’ll miss, but our lives here feel full in ways that kept coming up short there.

The whole process has been quite over-whelming. The week leading up to the move may go down as one of the most stressful. Ever. Let’s just say that together we experienced enough transitions to last a few years. In all there were only two melt downs (one for each of us) and our boy was perfect. Moving day, while always exhausting, went quickly when many of my co-workers and students and A’s former co-workers descended on us. Mr. E was bounced from person to person while our truck was loaded. And many helping hands meant our stuff was packed into the truck rather quick. My heart warmed having so many people show up to help us.

We spent an exhausting three days unpacking and getting set up, while also working through the emotions that come with such a transition. In the middle of those three days we attended an orientation for the church we planned on joining. Crazy? Yes. The orientations are only offered four times a year and are a required step in becoming a member. We want to have Mr. E dedicated (this is Unitarian Universalist for baptized) over the summer, and while we could have him dedicated without being members, my catholic guilt wouldn’t let me. Heck, what was one more thing in the middle of all we were doing?

By Sunday night A and I were unpacked and starting to feel somewhat normal. We are very comfortable in our new home, at my parent’s house (for those wondering, we passed on the condo. There are too many financial unkowns for us at this time). We have a good relationship with them and it’s very nice to have built in babysitters, support, and let’s not forget the hot tub! That was essential after moving boxes all weekend!

I started my part time job on Monday. I am working for my father helping to run his business. So far I’ve mostly been organizing the office (it’s a NIGHTMARE) and also have started looking into some really cool techy marketing tools. I love my job- you’ve NEVER heard me say that before! I love that it’s stress free, that it’s flexible and part time, and that it allows us to work my hours around A’s hours, thus avoiding daycare. And I am enjoying what I am doing. I mean, one project I am working on is kind of like blogging!

A started her job on Tuesday. She’s enjoying having structure again and has already begun networking with the elementary school principals. She left one meeting with the principal trying to create a part time job utilizing A’s experience working with English Language Learners. She needs to get her foot in the door some how and this would do it! Everything is just coming together for us in ways we never imagined possible.

Mr. E had a very difficult growth spurt last week. It was by far our worst night. He cried, no screamed all night, unless one of us was holding and bouncing him. A couple times we’d trick him into thinking we were standing and bouncing when really we were laying down and bouncing him while he laid across our chests. He never slept more than an hour like this. He wore himself out and finally went to sleep in his crib from 7-11am. The next couple of days he remained crabby, but now he’s back to his cheerful, mellow self. He’s loving having his cousins around all the time -he and J, who are five months apart are too cute together and so interested in each other.

It was a long process to get here, and we remain in a semi-permanent transitional period until A finds a teaching job and we’re able to buy a condo, but it’s all working so well and we have no regrets about our decision to move. We’re so happy to be able to raise Mr. E with family. And to be in a place where we already feel woven into the community in such a short time.

Okay, so not a day has passed since Mr. E was born that I have not stopped and thanked the Universe for our effortless breastfeeding relationship.

Mr. E came out wanting to suck. I remember moments after he was placed on me I noted his sucking instinct and I asked our doula if I should give him my finger. She instructed me to give him my boo.b. When given my boo.b for the first time, he latched immediately. Some of my best memories of being in the hospital were of us lounging in bed while he nursed. It was so easy to do skin to skin nursing in that setting. My milk came in, full force, by the time we left the hospital. And I’ve been blessed with more than enough milk to feed Mr. E.

Once home, bfing continued to be easy. He knew what to do, I had more than enough milk, and somehow I avoided the painful nipple experience most women speak of - I’ve been told that until your nipples get used to the sucking, it can hurt a little (or a lot). This never happened to me. I attribute this to the fact that I applied Lansinoh lanolin after EVERY feeding for the first week, and to his excellent latch.

I continued to breastfeed Mr. E “on-demand” for the duration of my maternity leave. I often wondered why women who could (as in, made enough milk, had babies with a good latch, etc.) would choose not to breastfeed? And then I went back to work. Breastfeeding and working is HARD! I am very lucky because I can come home and feed him sometimes. But it is not the same as being home, breastfeeding on demand, and feeding with out the stress of feeding while convenient for my work schedule.

He is getting some pumped milk via bottles and I am not always free when he is hungry, which means I end up pumping and we get on different schedules. One day this week he had three bottles while I was at work and then rejected the breast that night. Since that experience we’ve been much more intentional about trying to adjust his feedings to my work schedule so I can come home to breastfeed him. Sometimes it works, but often I end up with tons of milk and need to pump while feeding or after in order to drain my breasts. I don’t like all the pumping because the more I pump the more my body produces.

I am one hundred and ten percent committed to breastfeeding Mr. E for at least one year. (Either from the breast or through pumped milked.) But I am beginning to understand why women who are capable of breastfeeding switch to formula after returning to work. It takes a lot of effort to successfully continue to breastfeed once returning to work. This is yet another reason I am glad I gave my notice and am excited that in two weeks I will only be working part time, and this won’t be as much of an issue.

Yet another reason we should get a year maternity leave, like our neighbors in Canada!

I have 13 more days at the job I’ve come to dislike.

I gave my notice today, after being back for four days…

Soon, so very soon, Mr. E will be my full time job again. I can’t wait to get back to being with him all day instead of going to work.

This also means we are moving soon. Last day of work will be April 23rd. We’re moving April 24th.

I am so happy. So relieved.

Life as a mom is pretty freaking amazing. Honestly, most days are great even when I am exhausted and sore from taking care of Mr. E 24/7. Most of my tears are tears of joy and intense love. For example, sometimes I’ll kiss his cheeks and the power of our bond shocks me so that I am brought to tears. But nothing is ever prefect and there are bound to be days that suck. I had one such day this week as sleep deprivation and a clingy baby got the best of me.

My best friend was visiting and I excitedly left Mr. E with her for most of the day on Tuesday while I got a massage and ran errands. He and I didn’t spend much time together and by bed time he was super clingy to me. He would only sleep on my chest. ALL NIGHT. Sleeping on my chest is usually reserved for my last ditch effort to get a few more zzzzs in the wee hours of the morning. He was up a lot. I did not sleep well. We were both cranky the next day, we both woke up crying. I remained weepy all day, until I had a full on break down when A got home from work and took the screaming boy from my arms. I spent several hours bawling in bed. My friends were still visiting at this point, but had gone into town for a little while. I stayed home because I was too tired and thought Mr. E and I needed some down time. When it turned into the above mentioned melt down, I felt pretty crappy that I was hold up in my bed while they were folding and putting away my laundry and doing the dishes. I have the best friends.

Now that I am almost two thirds through my maternity leave, I’ve begun to feel the stress of going back to work. And it’s enough to reduce me to tears and is producing far too much anxiety. I do not want to go back. Even if it’s only for ten weeks. Last night I told A for the one millionth time, I don’t want to go back to work. She asked, even after how bad yesterday was? You don’t think it would be nice to get a break from him? No, I don’t. The good days far out number the bad days. Mostly Mr. E and I have good days. The more I cue into his needs, the better. I am just starting to understand so much about him. And he’s just starting to show interest in me. He’s just too precious and I love him with all my might.

Most likely, I’ll have to go back. I find myself incredibly jealous of the stay at home moms in the mom group I attend. I can’t imagine how horrible I’d feel if I didn’t know that come June I’ll leave my job to stay home with Mr. E (I handed in my resignation effective 6/13, which is the end of my ‘contract’ aka the academic year). It’s the only thing that makes it almost bearable to go back. That and knowing A will be with him when I go back, and being able to bring him with me for some part of each day.

I am of the belief that pregnancy should not last more than 37 weeks, 36 would be preferable. But 40, 41, and maybe 42? No way. It’s just cruel.

Maybe I am just having a hard time because I had such an amazingly relaxing break and then went back to work hell. I am the director of my immediate office. The assistant director has been out sick all week. I am glad she stayed home, and is now on antibiotics so I should not catch her illness, but her being out has made my week hard. Oh, and then there’s the vacant, support staff position in my office. It’s been vacant for a month and the first round of the search failed miserably. I am re-advertising this weekend. Which pretty much means I may give birth before finishing the search.

After having a ton of time off and being able to really take care of myself, I returned to do three people’s jobs at the exact time that I reached the infamous get this effing baby out of me stage that many pregnant women achieve at this point in pregnancy. And let me also include here, I am still fighting a cold, which further complicates my already interrupted-by-all-night-bathroom-trips-sleep.

I think all of this combined is what led to my tearful breakdown at my midwife appointment today. I was really out of sorts. And because we are refusing the eye ointment for the baby post birth she wanted to be sure I had the chance to have a chla.mydia and gon.orrhea test. I know I don’t have either of these and after a confusing exchange I was able to tell her no thanks. It was just after that, as I stood up to get on the table that I just broke down. It was so wonderful to have A there to give me a hug. We heard Moon’s heart beat and my blood pressure was fine. Then she suggested I take the day off, which I had already planned to do after waking up not feeling so well. I remained weepy through most of the rest of the appointment, including while I was doing the Gr.oup B Str.ep test (fun times) and then just broke down again in the car. The tears are coming on and off now. I am lucky that I’ve been pretty emotionally stable through most of the pregnancy, and I think there are just so many factors at play right now, that I was bound to hit a wall at some point. I am thankful to be home, feet up for the rest of the day. And A is bringing me lunch soon. This will pass, and all will be better soon, I am sure.

In a little more than a week, we’ll be on winter break. A delightful eleven day break! I can’t wait.

This break could not be better timed. I haven’t posted much about work lately but it’s been rough. We’ve been short staffed in my department and in my office which means I’ve had to pick up a lot of extra work, sit on a hiring committee, and chair another hiring committee (and I think we’ve found a temp to cover my maternity leave!!!). All the while, we’re preparing to shut down for winter break which entails massive efforts to get the students out of here! They are supposed to leave by this Thursday but many get extensions to stay late because many take classes at other local colleges whose exams run later than ours. I am so worn down and don’t have the time to fight them, that I’ve granted many exceptions to stay late that would ordinarily be denied. What ev.

Many of them will leave this Thursday and then my work load will shift a bit. I won’t be in meetings nor juggling student concerns. But the work does not let up and is such that I will be on my feet most of each day while we shut down the residences. (I hurt just thinking about this!) I am not really sure how that’s going to work. But I’ve been clear with co-workers that I am a bit limited in how much I can help and that climbing stairs all day for five days isn’t happening.

At the end of all this…eleven days off! Eleven days with my wife. Eleven days to lounge around, take naps, hang out with family, play with our nephews, visit with friends, and make the final push to get the last minute baby things we need, wash baby clothes, and finish our to do list.

Winter break, how I love thee!

My most dreaded work night of the year is over. It’s done. And the best part of it being done this year? I WON’T BE HERE NEXT YEAR! This was my last time working this event. The rain that fell tonight literally put a damper on the whole thing so it was not as out of control as past years. I knew I was old when the forecasted rain was reason to rejoice as I knew it would make my job so much easier! And now…I am off to bed…I go off-call at 6am, four short hours, I hope I don’t get paged…

Two days ago I was looking at a calender for 2008 and plotting out when I’d return to work if I delivered at 38, 40, or 42 weeks- which are all well within the range of what’s to be expected. Now granted when I go back to work I will then leave my job on June 15th when my “contract” is up and we move across the state. Once there, everything is a big question mark.

But back to me looking at the calender. I realized how sad I was at the thought of going back to work, even for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve been telling myself - and everyone else that once we move I’ll mostly be a SAHM, while I work a very flexible and part time gig with my Dad. Child care will be provided by my SIL and/or my hours will be worked around A’s work schedule in effort to avoid day care. My Dad has gone so far as to say, just bring the baby to work. Which I would not do with regularity because I know I’d get nothing done.

Those feelings of sadness were eased by knowing that when I do return to finish the school year A will be home with the baby and that we know for certain that Moon will be home with one of us from birth till through August, at least. I am truly thankful for that. But for the first time I began to accept the reality that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay home. I am cozily balled up in my fantasy of staying home while A works. But the truth is, we have no idea what our life and financial situation will be after we move. The  unknow has let me carry out this dream of being a SAHM and I’ve begun to truly believe it will happen. I know we will do anything with in our power to make it happen, but that may not be enough.

I find myself incredibly jealous of women who can easily make the choice to stay home. By this I mean those who have the financial resources. The privilege. I remember telling my mom I waned to stay home (back before the plan to relocate, which does make staying home more attainable) and she knew that in our current situation we’d never make it after giving up half our income. And she kind of gave me the are you crazy look? Yet, she and my Dad still scoff at how my brother and SIL put their son in day care at 17 months since they didn’t need to.

If I get to stay home we’ll be living on a shoe string. But I’ll be with our baby. That is what we both want. We don’t have anything against day care, and do respect that each family makes a decision that is best for them. We think avoiding day care is best for us. This is a huge shift for me. When we first started ttc I never imagined I’d stay home, let alone want to stay home. The shift came after all the pain and effort it took for us to conceive. Through that process I began to want this baby more than I ever imagined possible.

Before conceiving my career path was my priority. And I am at cross road where if I want to strategically advance my career now is the time to make the next move. But our journey lead me to this desire to spend every possible moment with the baby. I do think the challenges we faced drives this shift. At the same time, our expanding family unit shifted our priorities to wanting to live in close proximity to family. In embracing this, I have essentially decided to put my career in the back seat (maybe even the third row). There are no where near as many opportunities for me where we are relocating to. Yet, I couldn’t be happier about providing our child with the opportunity to grow up with his or her cousins, aunt & uncle, grandparents, and many other extended family members.

We have no idea how this will all play out. I am holding on to the hope that I will stay home and we’ll just find a way to make it work, and I am working on accepting that my dreams of being a SAHM may not turn out just as I expect them to.

I learned today how deeply in denial my boss is about the fact that I will going out on maternity leave in three months. I have been pushing her since August to start making a plan to cover my leave. I’ve given her lots and lots of creative ideas to cover the various facets of my job in my absence. We last talked about it a month ago and at that time we had half a plan that we wanted to present to some folks but she wanted to see if she could secure some extra money to pay my co-workers who will take on much of the work. She thought money would soften the blow…

Over the last month she’s been busy, or out of the office for various reasons so she and I have not been meeting with any regularity.  Everyone is asking me what the plan is. I keep replying I don’t know, which is true. And this is beginning to make some people very nervous, especially those I supervise (two full time employees and 10 students). We met today and in that meeting I brought up the need to solidify a plan. Her face turned white in horror as she realized she had completely forgotten I am going on maternity leave and she realized she hadn’t done anything in the last month to move forward in making a plan! D.e.n.i.a.l………………………………………

So we’re back to square one.  At this point I think she’s moved into crisis mode and wants to gather my staff and the three other people that do the same job as me in a day long retreat to make a plan. Um, this is what I’ve been asking for for several months. But of course, she won’t have time to do this for another two or three weeks, because well, we’re all really busy, and over worked, and this is how the planning slipped through the cracks in the first place.

I have stopped caring. I can’t stress about it any more. I have done more than enough to ensure there is a plan in place and at this point I need to give it up and hope she follows through. I’ll keep getting my office ready and making all the notes I’ve been making about how everything is done. But other than that I can’t worry about it any more. I need to shift my energy onto all the things A and I have left to do in our personal lives before the baby arrives.

I had a much better day at work today and managed to sort through all the notes on my desk and make a plan for catching up. It’s amazing what I can get done when I shut my office door! And maybe there is some truth to pregnancy hormones…

Question. Is it possible for the baby to have flipped head down? Something happened today and it all feels different, so I thought maybe the baby flipped, but it seems kinda early…

Today I had a really bad day at work.

I’ve been slowly getting more and more overwhelmed with my work and with planning for maternity leave. Small things have been adding up and eating away at me and I’ve found myself being more and more snippy lately. I do not have fun at work anymore. There used to be times when I did. I feel over my head in projects and I’ve had to be a more active supervisor than in the past and my supervisor has been over her head and less able to support me (and now that she’s got Federal jury duty and just got a case, she’s less available to me).

By 10:30 this morning I was ready to shut my office door and cry. I don’t even know where to start to get myself on track. I seem to just respond to what ever emergent situation is put in front of me and then all the little pieces of my job (that when added up equal a lot) slip through the cracks. And I spend time away from work worrying. I wake at 4 in the morning only to remember that I didn’t do this or that.

And then there are the meetings I have. Take today, I was in a supervision meeting with one of my interns. She was going on and on about a problem and while I wanted to be focused, present, and care, I just wasn’t. I found myself trying really hard to really hear the concerns and to help her problem solve and to offer creative solutions, which I did do, but I felt my heart was not in it. Not the way it used to be. And I found myself sitting there thinking soon, I will be out of here.

I know there is a direct correlation to how well I supervise and how well my supervisor supports me. I am feeling very unsupported and basically left to manage everything on my own so far this academic year, and when this happens I get overwhelmed, and my ability to be a supportive supervisor suffers greatly. Right now I am a crappy worker and crappy supervisor. I feel bad for the people that have to interact with me daily because I am so fried that my attitude sucks and I have a very short fuse. I am really worried that some day soon, I am going to lash out at a student. That really is my greatest fear. That all my frustration will inappropriately be taken out on a student that says the wrong thing to me at the wrong time.

If I were not pregnant, I think I would have given my notice and walked out by now. It’s no reason to do a job, but it’s the the best reason I’ve got right now. I can’t walk out on the security just yet. This does mean I need to figure out a way to release some of this stress. It can’t be good for the baby. I am not stressed about pregnancy stuff or getting ready to have a baby, but work sure is taking it’s toll on me. Maybe I am so consumed by work that I just don’t have time to stress about baby prep. Or maybe baby is so much better than work that I can’t even begin to be stressed about it. No matter what, I’ll be done here soon and I just need to hold it together. One day at a time.

Most days I am equally excited about the birth of Moon because for the most part it also means an end to the job I have come to dislike. Yes I will go back to work for four to six weeks once my maternity leave is over, but it will be in May/June and I will just be there to close out the academic year. So I won’t be dealing with all the things that make me most crazy.

I’ve given a lot to this school and my job in the last three years and I knew when I made the decision to stay on for a fourth year that it was a “me” year. I was not pregnant at the time, but I planned to stay so we could continue to aggressively ttc and I knew if we stayed on track I’d be eligible for IVF coverage in January. I stayed in a last ditch attempt to get pregnant. Not long after making that decision, I became pregnant and then I felt I had to stay for the sake of consistency and benefits and all that stuff.

As I ‘ve begun to settle into the routine of this year (I speak in academic years…) I’ve remembered the things that make this job so hard: the long hours, the weekends worked, too many demands on my time by too many people, one crisis bumping another, being a supervisor, working really hard and feeling like I’ll still never get it all done…and so I begin to feel down about the job and this also moves me into a semi checked out place where I sometimes confuse late January with our due date and instead think of it as my stop work date.

And then, from time to time, when I step out of my office - even though this means I fall even further behind in my administrative tasks - and sit down to connect with students (yes! students, those creatures I spent my graduate years preparing to work with, and who usually inspire me) I gain a wave on energy, a sense of how to make meaning in my job. And then sometimes when I am walking across campus (or through the grocery store) and I see one of my students, and they wave and smile and I do the same, I get the same warm feeling.

Being that this is my fourth year in my position, there are some students that started their education here the same year I came to work here, and we’ve moved along this path together. While there are so many things I fault this school for and so many things that frustrate me about my job, it’s these students that I will have been with for all four years when we move on in the spring, as well as the others that were here before me or came after I started who’ve inspired me, that I will miss when I move on.

I’ve made peace with the fact that I need a break from higher education and given myself permission to step off the track even though I labored through graduate school to get here…some day I may find myself back in academia, but for now I need a break. A real long break.

I have a very hard time staying motivated at work on Friday afternoons. I am almost always so spent from the week that I can’t force myself to be productive. Today I wavered between wanting to give into the urge to mess around for the last few hours and realizing my upcoming week is so busy that I’d damn well better just get to work. In the end I was responsible and put my nose to the grind stone (a first for a Friday afternoon).

I sorted through all the unfinished projects left on my desk from this week and quickly made a plan. I saved the biggest project for last. For the last three years I have coordinated a rather large departmental wide task. This is a project that happens on a small scale during fall semester and again on a much larger scale during the spring semester. It was decided back in August that I would work with one other coworker on the fall project so as to train her how to do it and she would take over all coordination for the spring project since I’ll be on maternity leave, and really I was very tired of this project and ready to pass it off in exchange for a different project had I not been going on maternity.

We’ve begun working together and divvying up tasks. It’s become very clear that my ‘organization’ over the last three years only made sense to me. It’s such a hectic project that my files end up all messy and by the time it’s completed I am so sick of it that I file everything away until the next semester because I couldn’t stand to think about it for one more minute let alone organize it! So I spent a good part of the afternoon organizing my files, writing notes and instructions on how and when to do things, updating forms, and then it hit me…I’d begun to prepare to turn my work over to other people in anticipation of my maternity leave. I’m not just passing this project off, I am documenting in order to ensure a smooth transition while I am on leave. And it felt so weird. It does feel early to already be making these preparations (not that I have a choice we’re on a schedule for this semester), but I only have four more months of work. Wow. FOUR months. That makes my heart smile.

When I was in grad school they warned us, most days will be thankless, but every so often you’ll have a moment where you’ll realize it’s all worth it. Up until now, I’ve had minor instances where this has occurred. Today, for the first time since I finished grad school (four years ago), I had my full on, you made a difference in my life and I am sorry I was such an ass to you while you hung in there with me experience.

Well really it started yesterday. I received a phone call from a former intern of mine who graduated last year. I’ll just say that he was one of the toughest students I’ve worked with, questioned and fought me all the way, did nothing to make my life easy, did the least amount of work required to keep his job, and there was one time when his conduct was so out of line that I was near firing him which resulted in a meeting where we exchanged dissenting opinions about what was expected and when I called him out on his behavior he lashed out and eventually got up, walked out of my office and slammed my door. I of course when running after him and ordered him (I’ve never ordered a student prior or since this incident) back into my office if he had any intentions of saving his job.

Because I consider myself an educator, I tried really hard. I kept at him and I tried to meet him where he was. To say he did not get how his actions impacted other people or that the world did not revolve around him, would be an understatement. At times I was so frustrated. And probably not always patient. But after the door slamming incident, we began to repair our working relationship and rebuilding trust. I tried my best to foster growth in areas where I knew he could succeed and spent many hours in conversations about his worries about graduating and becoming more independent. You know, a grown up in the world taking care of himself.

I invested time. And energy. And I’ve done this with countless students. And I did not think I was making any difference with this one particular student. In a way I was relieved when he graduated because the idea of working with him for another year was exhausting.

So back to the phone message yesterday. Out of the blue I received a message from this former student of mine. He starts off by telling me he’s now working in my field and he is so sorry for being such an ass to me. He goes on to say he gets it…all the things I did…and that he really wants to take me out to lunch to talk. And then today we ran into each other at a campus event and he just kept telling me over and over how sorry he was and that he now understands where I was coming from and why I did everything I did. And he told me that I was a good supervisor. That I had made an impact. That he respects how I did my job, and again that he was sorry for being an ass. We spent over an hour talking about the growth he’s experienced in a very few months. I told him how much I thought he’d grown and I thanked him for all the things he said to me. In some way I felt like we had come full circle. And he could finally see beyond his needs. He’s become a little less selfish and has started his way towards becoming an adult. A person who can put others before him, and responsibilities before his own desires. Four months ago, he could not do this. And my heart smiled know in some way, I had an impact on him. That the work I do matters. They weren’t lying to me in grad school that it’s rare that former or current students come back and tell you that you mattered, but what they neglected to tell me was how amazing it would feel when it does happen.

Today is my first day back to work. I go with mixed emotions. Excited to get this year started - every day gets us closer to meeting our baby, excited to meet the new staff we’ve hired, excited to have some sort of routine again. And then there’s the part of me that can’t believe this is my fourth year in this job. It was supposed to be a one or two year gig that I seemed to be trapped in. As I got ready this morning, I wondered what I’ll be doing a year from today?

I already feel like I am back to work because I’ve been so stressed for a couple days. That fun loving free summer feel washed away and my body is stiff and I am back to not sleeping well. Huh, a sign that it’s time to move on? And I spent most of last night looking for my palm pilot - which is no where to be found.  I must have been so excited to finish work last spring that I threw it somewhere with abandon. This only causes more stress.

And so my days lounging in the blogoshphere are over, but I’ll still be around at night.

Happy day to everyone.

Okay so I was flaming mad when I posted yesterday. And yes, there were probably even some pregnancy hormone induce tears while typing. After several hours and being really worked up I tried to figure out what I was so mad about. It was not that I will have to deplete my vacation. I’ll only have about six weeks of work when I return from maternity and after that I will either go on summer vacation (remember I am a 10.5 month employee) or leave my job all together. What I was mad about was how patronizing our HR office is. They are not helpful and will really work to make you feel dumb. And then I was mad that in the last 14 weeks this is what had me the most upset. I was pissed that I was so stressed after my meeting because of the way I was treated, not necessarily because of the ridiculous policy, though I think it stinks.

Once A. got home from work I was a lot better. We were able to talk a lot and vent even more. During this, I pulled up the maternity leave policy. I am going to quote the portion that address the vacation time usage and you tell me what you think:

…If the employee works up to the date of delivery, then 8 weeks of paid leave begin at that point. Up to 4 weeks of additional leave may be taken after that under FMLA, for a total of 12 weeks. Some or all of the additional 4 weeks may be paid through, for example, vacation time or personal days.

No where in this does it state that women are required to deplete their vacation time. My mother taught me well and I am preparing for a fight. It’s not about the time, it’s about the principle. My game plan is to meet with my supervisor and fill her in on my experience. I want to feel her out to see what she thinks. Then I am planing on meeting with the ombuds person to discuss my options. This employer walks all over the staff and I am sick of it. I know several new moms that are as feed up with the maternity leave “policy” as I am, and I am in a position to bring it up. I don’t fear the politics of this place.

Oh, but this is not the only fight we’re preparing for…oh no it gets better. And the common theme is vacation.

After I had settled down A. and I finally worked out our plans for next January. She has to quit her job to start student teaching around the time the baby is due and we had hoped she’d be done by the time I have to go back to work. So we made a plan and we both felt relieved. Then I started talking about using some vacation time in September to visit our soon-to-be born nephew. She wants to come, but has to be conservative with her vacation time this year because, while she got the lump sum on July 1, if she uses more than she is “entitled” to before leaving at the end of January, she will have to pay it back. I figured out how much time she can use between then and now. But things were not matching up with her leave plan balance. I’ll spare you all the calculating I did, but it turns out when A. went full time TWO YEARS ago (she used to work 28 hours) our HR department never increased her benefits. So for two years her vacation and personal time has been prorated. And you know what, after we realized this, the conversation felt familiar. Two years ago we pointed this out to them, AND THEY NEVER FIXED IT! So my task today is to go through two years worth of pay stubs and figure out how much time they owe her, and also start figuring out if she’s been paying more for her health insurance, perhaps that’s still being pro-rated too! All I can say is my head hurts. This is such a huge mess and I am so pissed that we have to spend the energy to clean it up.

Now do you believe me that they are incompetent?

That’s how angry I am right now.

I had my meeting with my human resources benefits coordinator today to talk about maternity leave. I wanted to do it before I start back to work on Wednesday so as to clear up some questions I had. I have NO idea why I thought this meeting would make me feel any better. Stupid benefits coordinator from now on referred to as SBC, has once again proven she is unfit for her job. Here is how it goes:

I walk into her office for our scheduled meeting. She does not close her door - I am pretty sure this is confidential. But alas this office does not know what confidential means. She has a couple pieces of paper out. The first is my request for leave, she shows me how to fill it out. Then the conversation progresses:

SBC: The first 8 weeks (she’s clear not to use months, rather weeks) are paid and you’ll use your vacation for the remaining 4 weeks. And this is how you’ll document it.

Let me say I am thankful they are paid. But…

Me: Wait I have a question about about using my vacation. Since I am a 10.5 month employee my 4 weeks vacation are prorated, so I don’t have 4 weeks, and did not want to use them all up necessarily [this was something I was hoping to be able to determine at the time if we really needed the money].

SBC: This is how our policy is written.

Me: Okay, but I understand FMLA and the state of MA provides 12 weeks, why am I required to use my vacation time for the final 4 weeks?

SBC: FML does give 12 weeks, and we pay the first 8 and you must use your final vacation hours, whatever is left for the rest of your time off.

Does anyone see how I am not really getting 12 weeks…rather 8 weeks and then taking vacation time? WTF?!

Me: Well then I have a problem because I was planning to use some of my vacation in June for a family commitment, so I was not planning to wipe out my vacation while on maternity.

SBC: Well, that you’d have to work out with your supervisor. You’d have to ask for a leave with out pay.

Isn’t that what I am asking for my maternity?! WTF?!

Me: Can you explain why the policy states women must deplete their vacation?

SBC: Well as a supervisor it makes sense because you want that person back at work and not taking more time off.

At this point I was just sick of this conversation and it was going nowhere fast. And I was about to blow up.

After giving me another form SBC was ready to send me on my way. So I had to tell her I had some more questions. I explain my oncall rotation - every four weeks I am oncall 24 hours a day for one week. She did not know about this. I asked her if there are any protections that would prohibit my supervisor from making me pick up more oncall shifts during the fall semester.

SBC: No. Sometimes it’s better to be hourly, as an exempt employee you supervisor can expect you to work 70 hours a week, and it’s ok.

Is this REALLY my HR benefits coordinator telling me it’s ok for my supervisor to expect me to work 70 hours a week. It most certainly is not ok! Yes I am salaried, but I am not an indentured servant! And let’s not forget the hourly paid employees here make shit for money and have terrible time off benefits. No it is not better to be hourly here!

Me: Well from what you are saying it just does not seem like women are protected.

SBC: Women are protected because their jobs are being held for them and their benefits continue while out on FMLA.

Seriously the robot shit is getting old.

Me: Ok.

And I left the office because the more I questioned or disagreed the more defensive she got.

I knew this was not going to be an exciting meeting but I had no idea it would make me so upset. I have more thoughts but it is making me too angry to continue this post. This makes me want to leave my job even more once this academic year is over.

ETA: I forgot one more thing she said in regard to my questions about having to work extra this semester. “Don’t worry about the worst case scenario now. Save that energy for the baby.” Those were the final words she uttered as I walked out of her office. First of all, clearly no one else is looking out for my best interest (and my best interest is in the best interest of the baby) so I do feel entitled to have these concerns and get answers so that when I need to defend myself am able to! My supervisor is pretty clueless about maternity leave…I had to tell her it’s 3 months not 2!

Not much is new. I have less than a week before I go back to work. I guess I am ready. I just want to fast forward into the second week of September. That’s when things will settle down.

I’ve already vowed that I won’t put in 18 hours a day six days a week as I usually do in August. It just isn’t healthy for this baby! My co-workers will just have to deal. My Assistant Director will have to do more. What a fun year this will be… I am going to talk to the midwife at our next appointment (a week from tomorrow) about how to go about talking to my boss about how I just can’t do what is expected for this school year’s opening. She just can’t expect me to put in the hours that I usually do. I’m not sure how that conversation will go… I also want to meet with our human resources department so I can get a grasp on my maternity benefits. And to do a little poking around about my rights. I am not sure how my boss is planning to work out our on-call rotation that I will NOT be in while on maternity. But I fear she will expect me, in “fairness” to others to make up all the time I will miss during the spring while I am still working in the fall. I am pretty sure this is not cool. And it would make me crazy. So I will brave the dreaded HR department in hopes of seeking some clarity/support. Oh yeah and I can’t wait to see everyone’s faces when I show up pregnant- they don’t know!

I spent some time today melting wandering around the Noho side walk sale - the temperature read 99 degrees at 4pm. I didn’t buy anything but there were a lot of good deals and cool stuff. I wish I had myself together enough to start holiday shopping.

Before heading to the sidewalk sale I found a great kids consignment store in our town that sells kids clothes, toys, accessories, and maternity and nursing clothes! I got three shirts and a jean skirt for $12! We will be back there once this baby arrives! And I am sure I’ll go back to check on maternity clothes from time to time.

Our cats have been driving us crazy and the orange one tried to sit on the black one twice yesterday. Not sure what that’s about and I had to break it up each time. Today they cuddled in the window. It’ll be two more years before they touch each other again.

I will play along to We Are Fambly’s tag, but I am thinking about my eight things…I swear I’ll do it! (What else do I have to do since I am not working?)

I think we’ve decided to find out the sex of moonbeam. It’s been a struggle and I’ve changed my mind almost daily. I’ve tried to answer to myself what was preventing me from wanting to find out. And I really can’t figure it out. I think it mostly has to do with the social construction of gender and knowing that if we find out our baby will only have dodged the forced gender crap for only five months in utero as opposed to nine/ten. But I think I’ve come to terms with the fact that once it’s here, the World will see it as girl or boy and treat it as such. So really I’m not protecting it from much by finding out four months before birth. But honestly this could all change before the ultrasound.

And I’ve saved the best for last. Today a total stranger on the street asked me when I was due?!!! I am showing to people who don’t know me! I think the fun part of pregnancy is about to begin! Today is also our 14 week mark! So for the third week in a row we get to celebrate entering the second trimester! This time there is no question, all sources agree that by 14 weeks, you’re there! And this is what I look like:

seven weeks and today at 14 weeks!

Two weeks off and a blissful day spent with my wife was amazing. My life is not.

I woke sick yesterday but ignored it so I could enjoy time with A. We relaxed all day. By night I was feeling worse and worried that I’d be too sick to go to work. I felt awful this morning, but went in anyway, even though I hate it when people go to work sick, and my office-mates hate it too. I felt I had to go in. My boss called even before I arrived. We spent close to an hour on the phone when I returned her call and then I plowed through emails. By noon I felt worse and knew I needed to see my doctor and also go home. I am back in my bed about to take a nap before going to my 3:15 doctors appointment. What a way to return to work.

I feel overwhelmed with everything that I need to get back into. Two weeks away from work, and I am way out of the loop. I feel like I am starting a new job and have no idea what’s going on. I also am super behind in blogs. But for now, I am putting my laptop down to take in some zzzzs. Rest is usually the only thing that makes me feel better when sick.