Category Archive

It happened ever so innocently. Mr. E’s big cousin was over and wanted to watch Elm.o. Mr. E happened to be in the room and we watched with shock how he tuned right in and began laughing at that silly red character. A few days later I needed to take a shower, he was awake, and well, I put him down and turned El.mo on. He sat there, completely entertained loving every minute. Now it happens about once a week. Sometime I just can’t time my shower with his naps - especially on the days when we are trying to go somewhere in the morning. Today, I let him watch while I unloaded the groceries.

Pre-baby I was anti t.v., anti kids watching t.v. Now, I am sorry, I can’t help it, sometimes I just need a few minutes.

The very nice lady at my A.pple Store called and it all started out nice and chipper. ‘We’ve had a chance to look at your computer and there is some corrosion. We can fix it.’ Just what I wanted to hear. And then she said, ‘unfortunately it will cost more than a new computer.’

The good news? They can retrieve everything on the machine. That is good news and I need to be thankful for this.

I’ll miss you Zac, you were my first Mac, and I loved you more than one person should love a computer.

I don’t usually watch O.prah but today’s topic is likely of interest to many of us. Just wanted to share. The title of the show is already rubbing me the wrong way, but I am very curious to see what these folk’s experience has been.

I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say these days. Maybe it’s because my days are pretty much the same now and revolve around a small guy with big needs. That said, here’s what we’ve been up to:

Four Weeks!:
Mr. E’s been with us for four weeks and one day. Hard to believe. The time has flow and he’s already growing out of some clothes. Eek! He’s done a damn good job of communicating his needs and desires. It makes me excited each time I figure out one of his cues. In the last week I learned that within a few minutes of getting on the boob, he will need to come off to belch burp, and then need immediately resume nursing.

Mom groups :
Mr. E and I started going to some ‘mommy’ groups. The one we went to last week was a trip. It pretty my epitomized all the reasons why I want to leave this area. I think if I tried to raise my kid here I would go NUTS with all the over the top ‘progressive’ parents. Granted, A and I will be the whack jobs where we’re moving, but at least I won’t feel so damn judged every second. Even so, I think we’ll go back today, give it another try and get some grown up interaction.

We went to a different group yesterday. The description did read ’support’ group but I’ve never been to a support group so I didn’t know what to expect. I am in a place where I want to meet other new moms, so I went. It was not for me. I am not having a hard time with the transition at all, in fact being Mr. E’s mom feels like the most natural thing I’ve ever done. And I couldn’t be happier about being home, and I enjoy doing things around the house. And I want to be with him more than I want my career. You see where this is going right? I am glad such a group exists for women who need it, but I felt out of place. And I am not sure it’s helpful to the women who are struggling for me to be all rosy.

Nursing in public:
After yesterday’s group Mr. E and I went grocery shopping. He usually sleeps through shopping, but I guess I pushed him a little too far because when I was about four items from being done, he let me know he was done! I tried holding him to calm him, but when a milk mama holds their baby and he’s hungry, you can’t deny what he wants. So, I decided, if my child is hungry and I am in the grocery store, he still gets to eat. I unsnapped my bra, and put him on, pulling my shirt down as much as I could to at least try to be discrete, and continued pushing the cart to finish up the shopping. No one said anything to me and my baby was happy.

Sleep:
Three nights ago we had one of our worst sleep nights. Almost as bad as the second night home when Mr. E wiggled his way into our bed. It was awful, A and I were so tired. Then two nights ago he slept in TWO three hour increments! I had no idea how much I missed REM sleep! And last night he had a three and a half hour stretch. Progress. I can only hope it continues.

Depression:
Two nights ago a little liquid accidentally landed in the key board area of my beloved MacBook, Zac. Zac hasn’t worked since - when I hit the power button the machine turns on but the screen is black. I used A’s computer to see what others had to say when their MacBook had a drink and then blacked out. Seemed like the first step was to turn it off, remove the battery and let it sit open to dry for a few days. I turned it on this morning. Nothing. I’m holding out hope that my local Apple Store can fix it.

Cloth Diapering:
So far, so good. The switch has cleared up Mr. E’s diaper rash, and he’s so cute in CDs. We had planned to mostly use prefolds and just get a handful of diapers, but man, the prefolds are a pain in the ass. We’ll still use them, but I also ordered a whole bunch of Fuzz.iBuns. They should arrive today. I’ve also been busy sewing fleece inserts for the prefolds. I’m so glad we made the switch.

We’re home. It’s been a long haul since 3am Tuesday morning. When things settle down I’ll be back to update but here’s the low down:

I delivered our beautiful baby boy, with the support of A, our amazing doula, my mom, the best nurse in the world, and a great midwife. For the most part my birth experience went as I wanted with a few bumps, but I felt empowered and was able to still get through the challenges with out pain meds and was able to labor in the tub. Our boy was born 32 hours after my water broke and with something like 17 hours of labor. It was the most incredible experience of my life and we are so completely in love with our boy.

The stats:

Baby boy born 12:59pm 1/9/08, 6lbs 8 oz, 19 1/2 inches long. More when I can…

It’s a quiet New Year’s Eve in our home this year, and that’s just what I wanted. Each day I tire easier and easier and by afternoon my energy is almost depleted, so going out, in any fashion tonight is out of the question. We’d considered going to the local fireworks, but after returning home this afternoon, and walking through the cold and wind from the car to the house, we decided to put on our pjs and settle in for the night. There’s a pot of chili cooking on the stove and soon corn bread will be baking in the oven. It’s so very quiet here and we are enjoying being. I can’t imagine a better New Year’s Eve for this particular time in our lives.

A posted her year in review. I am far too scattered of a writer to synthesize a whole year in any coherent manner, so I’ve decided not to try. I will say that 2007 will forever be the year we FINALLY achieved our baby dreams. As long as I live, I will always remember the utter shock I experienced on May 15th, 2007 at 4:30am after receiving our first +hpt. It feels like just yesterday that we were standing speechless in the bathroom, staring at the +hpt. We hugged and kissed, and I think we were mostly in disbelief that it was really happening. My pregnancy defined much of the remainder of 2007.

It’s been an amazing journey. 2008 holds much change for us. The biggest, of course, the birth of Moon, but also a career change for A, a move “back home” to plant roots and to raise our kid(s) near family, and me stepping off my career path in search of something new, or maybe just to indulge in a long break from higher education. Eight hours of this year remain and tomorrow we’ll enter Moon’s “due month”, the kicks, turns, and somersaults, I feel as I type will soon be felt on the outside. Our time together will change, and A will, as she said recently, know how Moon is with out having to ask me. I’m ready. I’m ready to meet Moon, to hold him/her on the outside and I am ready for A to hold Moon and continue her bonding process.

2007 was super, but 2008 will be great! (Sorry…I couldn’t resist!)

I wish everyone a happy and safe holiday!

I think my belly button has always been more sensitive than the average person’s. For a while I thought all belly buttons were sensitive. But I realized, after years of telling A not to touch any where near it, and her not understanding why, that this is not a normal thing. And that I have belly button issues. I don’t know why but it’s sensitive and just the mere thought of someone touching it freaks me out. So you can imagine I’ve been a little concerned about pregnancy and the potential that my belly button will pop out.

My belly is growing…it seems to grow overnight sometimes. I am at a point where the growth from day to day and week to week is noticeable - mostly in how my clothes (don’t) fit. Now, as my belly button has stretched to accommodate the growing, it too clearly shows how much my belly is growing. A used to ask, I wonder if your belly button will pop out? And I’d reply that I hoped not. Now she just looks at it, and we don’t talk about it. It’s going to pop.

There is no rational reason for why this is one of my greatest pregnancy fears. And I have no idea where my belly button sensitivity comes from. Maybe others do feel the same way?

I don’t password protect very often but this is not a post I necessarily want to share with the internet at large. It’s the same password I always use. Email me if you need it (elm610@gmail.com). I am particularly interested in hearing from parents of boys…

Today there was a small victory after last week’s ruling. Now the Board of Medical Examiners are going to appeal…

My head hurts.

My sinuses hurt.

My body aches.

I am sick and tired of being sick…and why always on the weekend?!

I got over last week’s illness only to go back to work
to an office
where two people were sick.

You see, we like to share, we just pass these germs back and fourth.

I’d like to think I am a supportive supervisor, and I usually send my folks home when the are sick, even if they don’t have any more sick time. It’s more important that they take care of themselves, so we fudge time cards when we have to…

But last week was not a week I could send anyone home. I wanted to. I really wanted to on Friday when my front office gal was really sick, but it was one of our biggest days of the year. And I felt like a terrible supervisor. And I was getting sick. And I was mad that I was getting sick. Imagine: one of my busiest days at work, and I am hooked up to a heating pad because my body aches so much.

And to end the long week, I had to work today. Yup, I had a six day work week. How fun. And I was sick, all day. Yet I had to lead a group of 33 students…and I wanted to curl up in a ball and go to sleep. Because, my head hurts, my sinuses hurt, my body aches. And I can’t seem to kick the common cold.

I got a peak this morning!

Not a huge surprise, but it was a huge relief!

A. is on her way to pick up the sperm and then we’ll be off to my appointment.

10 is my mom’s lucky number- she’s crazy about numbers (she scrambled one of our donor’s numbers to equal 10 once). I’ll take the good omen that my IUI is on the 10th at 10am! Hopefully 10 days from now we’ll have a BFP.

That’s right. My appointment is less than 12 hours away.

My left ovary is swollen and painful. I got a + OPK this afternoon! I never get +s. All I need now is a peak reading on my monitor in the morning.

Our sperm is being preped for a 7am pick up.

tomorrow may be

THE DAY!

It seems as though I’ve been counting down for ever. Tomorrow is CD 16, which is my typical peak day.

Other exciting news from today:
1. We found a realtor that we are really excited abut working with and are meeting with her on Saturday to talk and see a couple of condos. I can’t believe we are seriously starting to look and buying a home.

2. I met with a colleague to discuss a new position he’s proposed with in his department that I am interested in applying for. It will be a few more months before he knows if it will be approved, but it looks good, and it gives me hope for getting out of my position.

I also went out with coworkers and kicked some serious ass at pool tonight. I really have no idea what I am doing, but I looked damn good as I kept sinking our balls.

Wish us luck in the morning.

How can I be all of these things at once?

I am so close to ovulation. And I think I will ovulate this cycle. My monitor has started spitting out “high” readings and my left ovary has begun to feel swollen.

I have an appointment with my midwife Friday for a pap. Today I called to let her know I may be bringing my sperm and having an IUI instead.

I am excited that this c o u l d b e IT! This could be our month. And my mind floods with the same crazy tought I had this time last year- what an amazing Christmas announcement. It gets really hard when you go through the same cycle year after year…the same fantasies.

And I’m terrified that I won’t ovulate. That we’ll miss ovulation. That it won’t work. That I will once again feel the pain of another cycle ending with out pregnancy.

Usually I am a very optimistic person. Negativity makes me crazy. But I can’t seem to shake my pessimism. And I feel so ready to give up.

The pressure feels too much. I feel like I have this crazy science experiment that I’ve been working on for what seems like forever and has really only been one year, with more than a year prep.

Perhaps I am coming to a place where I do need more intervention. I’ve already made the leap from ICI to IUI. And think ultrasounds would help ease my mind– it’s very reassuring to see the ultrasound screen and know ovulation is imminent

I am not ready to move on to any kind of fertility drugs. Not sure I ever will be, but if there’s one thing I’ve learned in this process it’s that nothing ever goes as planned. Nothing.

History in Massachusetts and hope after 16 L O N G years!

And I am starting to feel pre ovulation pain, happiness all around!!!!!!!

The much anticipated IUI consumes my thoughts. I am on CD 12, which means I have at least 4 days till ovulation. But I can’t help worry that I’ll ovulate early. Silly, I know. I’ve been getting high readings on my fertility monitor for the last three days but my opk was negative tonight. So far things look good. I really just hope my monitor does not fail me and that we are able to time the IUIs well. I have an appointment with my mid wife on Friday and if things are not going well at that time I am going to ask her about doing ultrasounds leading up to ovulation. I’ve only done that once in the past, but think it may help put my mind at ease. Over all I am trying not to stress myself out and doing my best to stay positive.

Thanks to to all of you that commented about your / your partner’s IUI experiences. It helps to hear what others have thought about the procedure and did calm my worries a bit. My journey to become pregnant is becoming more medicalized than I ever thought it would be. Mostly I am okay with it. I am not ready to consider fertility meds of any kind- this is something I feel really strong about- for me. But I also set out thinking there was no reason I would need assitance with insemination, and here I am starting with midwife assisted IUIs. I wanted this process to be as natural as possible, but at some point I need to accept that what I am doing is not natural, albeit perfectly ok, just a little more complicated. I need to give it more patience that I have been.

Please send fertile thoughts my way and pray that I ovulate.

Thanks.

Just about a week from now I hope to have my first and second IUI. The timing is perfect as I have my annual scheduled with my midwife for next Friday morning. I really hope it will end up being an insemination appointment. I am excited and nervous. As many of you know, I have not had an IUI before, this is all new territory for us. I gather from what I’ve read that it’s not that bad- kind of like a pap. I am okay at those and really just deal ’cause I know I have to do it, but usually telling myself it’s only once a year gets me through it. I am sure it will be ok. Any experienced IUIers have any information/support to offer?

A. and I are off to the Cape tomorrow. This week turned out to be pretty terrible and I am so excited to get away for three days- I keep forgetting that we’re going to a funeral. I need a break from this place and this could not be better timed. Tonight my brother IM’d us using the video chat, our nephew was on his lap and got SOOOOO excited when he saw us on the computer screen. It made me feel great that our nephew recognized us and was so excited to see us! We can’t wait to see him and spend some time with him.

create your own personalized map of the USA

This is the weekend that wasn’t. Friday night there was a major campus event that required me to work till 1:30 on Saturday morning. I was so keyed up from working 16 hours straight that it took me a while to relax enough to fall asleep. I slept till Noon, but then found myself so lethargic that I never did shower or get dressed yesterday. This morning I was paged to meet with a family who’s concerned about their daughter. It’s been so long since I’ve been on call that I forgot how it feels to not really own your time. Oh well, it’s really not bad that I’ve only been paged once since Friday.

This week is sure to be busy. I am out of the office Monday for a conference and Friday for my grandfather’s funeral. I am looking forward to seeing my family and getting a weekend on the Cape- and going off call!

I am on cycle day 4, and getting excited about this cycle. I’m experiencing the same blind optimism I felt back in August/September. I am not sure what to attribute it to. Maybe it’s the excitment of trying a new method with an increased success rate. I also recently started reading the community boards on Fertility Friend again. I’ve learned which topic areas I can read and which I can not. It’s possible to go crazy there - taking in all kinds of tips. I am sure some of what I read there in the past made me crazy. I stay in just a few circles and find that to be fun and informative.

Tonight we are going to a fashion show to support the Food bank of Western Massachusetts. Our friend, Hilary will be modeling in it. All the models will be wearing vintage clothing. I am not really sure what we’re getting into but it’s for a good cause!

I almost never turn my cell phone off.
It’s my preferred way of communicating - I don’t even know my land line number.
So why did I turn it off before going to bed last night?

I turned it on as I stepped into my office this morning.
Two new messages.
I’ve been on alert for bad news for a couple weeks.
My grandfather has been in hospice care.
As soon as I heard my mother’s voice on the message I knew he’d passed away.

Her first message must have been left right when she found out- she was groggy and had a sorrowful tone.
My mother has delivered death news to me on one too many occasions.
Her next message sounded more like herself. A cover, I am sure, to not make we worry too much between the time I got the messages and was able to be in touch with her.

When I returned her call, she answered and just blurted out the news. “Grampy died this morning.”
I had the lamest response, “Oh, okay. What time?”
“About 6:30, or when ever I called you.”
“Yeah, my phone was off.”
“I figured because it went right to voicemail.”
“So ten days from now we’ll have a service?” (Plans were already made for him to be cremated.)
“Well I don’t really know. We’ll confirm when we have more info.”
“Okay. Talk to you later.”
“Bye.”
“Bye.”

And just like that my last living grandparent exited this World.
I had three amazing grandparents, he was not one of them.
After my grandmother died, about 20 years ago, he distanced himself from our family.
Some time in the last 10 or so years, he started rebuilding his relationships with is children.
But his grandchildren were not really his priority.

Several weeks back when I was told he had 2 weeks left, I had to decide to go see him one last time or not.
I labored over the idea.
Why would I want to go see this guy that had no interest in being a part of my life?
In the end I went to see him.
It was the kin tie that motivated me and I thought it would make my dad happy.
My visit with him was one of the most awkward experiences of my life.
He barely looked at me and we had nothing more than small talk to offer each other.
I left.

Today I find myself surprised at the feelings of sorrow I am experiencing.
The tears are not tears of sadness that I will never see this man again,
they are tears of sadness for the relationship we never had.
They are tears of frustration that the grandparent who was least in my life outlived the ones that I treasured.
I still feel a longing to be with my other grandfather, and he’s been dead almost three years.

I am left confused about how I feel and wondering how to grieve.
I am not used to losing a family member that I am not close to.
Usually we all gather immediately. Even if the services are not arranged.
But to gather in this situation would feel artificial.
I don’t like how uncertain I feel. I find myself thinking, should I call my Dad and tell him I am sorry?
He says he has no feelings for him, but come on, it was his father.
In the end, he did have a relationship with him.
And he also carries 55 years of resentment.

We are about to enter yet another cycle of TTC. All previous advice cautions against moving forward unless one has charted three “good” cycles. I seem to get to three cycles and then I have an anovulatory cycle. And after more than two years of charting I feel pretty good about knowing my body, so we are moving forward with just one ovulation cycle post my latest anovulatory cycle. With any luck we’ll finally be doing our first IUI around the second weekend in November. It’s perfect time because I have an appointment for my annual the Friday of that weekend which will either end up being an insem appointment or at the very least will give insight into ovulation status. Starting with the November cycle we’re planning to get back on the inseminate every other month plan - of course getting pregnant in November is the goal. Getting pregnant is starting to feel like this impossible task. And yet all around me there are pregnant women and women with babies. It can’t be that hard!

I have another project that has begun to distract me. It’s taken several months but I have finally come to realize that I don’t really like my job any more. I am busier than ever and I am only two months into the academic year and I dread the idea of staying in my position until June- which is when my unofficial contract ends. While working in higher education, it’s not ideal to leave mid year. Lately I’ve been starting to feel like I am not doing a very good job and wonder, is it better to bail out mid year thus recognizing that I am not able to give my students and staff what they need, or is it better to stick it out while performing at subpar just to get through the year with out totally disrupting my office and department? Right now I am thinking that if I am not able to bring even half the enthusiasm to the job that I previously did then it is time to work on moving on. Then the little voice in my head says, job searching and TTC at the same time? Are you crazy? Another voice tells that voice to shut up - that I can’t control what’s going on and if I happen to get pregnant while looking for a job, so be it. Massachusetts law requires a two month maternity leave, so I’d just be missing out on the extra month provided by the federal FMLA law (you’re only eligible after one year of employment). Two or three months is a ridiculous maternity leave any way, but that’s a rant for another day!

We’ve been planning for a long time. Debating should we look into going in a different direction? After much discussion and we decided to change our game plan all together. Now this was a major change that we did not take lightly. And yesterday we welcomed the newest member of our family into our home. We didn’t have enough time to think of a name and we don’t want to move too quickly and pick one in haste, but here is our new arrival:

Yup, that’s right, we’ve gone from a PC house to a Mac house and after only 24 hours I can’t believe I resisted for so long! We love our new MacBook, its cute wireless mouse, and carrying case. Our Dell lap top crashed back in July (another reason it’s been so hard for me to keep up with this blog). We’ve been putting off buying a new computer ever since. I actually enjoyed not having a computer for a while. It was kind of liberating - I stopped checking my work email from home but then not being able to get on the internet got old. When we starting seriously talking about buying we labored over buying a PC or a Mac. Mostly because I’d been a loyal Dell customer, but I know their customer service and tech support has gone way down hill since I bought my last computer. In the end, we were sold by the Mac. So far everything we’ve done has been so much easier than any PC I’ve ever used. We’re calling him Mac for now, so unoriginal, but once we get to know him better I am sure we’ll come up with a real name.

Hopefully this new member of our family means I’ll be back in blog land more often.

Cheers.

There are so many reasons why my blog has sat limp for months on end. There’s the fact that our home computer fried, and I am super busy at work, which means little to no time to blog when I am at my computer, and we’ve been on a ttc break for what seems like for ever! I don’t seem to have much I want to blog about unless it’s ttc related.

I’m on cd 36 and still no sign of my period. I can only hope that this does not turn out the way it did last time I had a super long cycle. I am hoping that next cycle will be normal and since this cycle has changed my timing, we may be able to insem next cycle because we should be home from Colorado in time. I don’t know if it is the smartest thing to do - after a failed cycle, but I don’t really care. I need to start again. I’ve been around people with children/ pregnant women a lot lately and it feels so unfair. I mean it looks so easy, everybody seems to have kids, and yet i can’t even seem to ovulate!

A. and I started talking about her starting to track her cycles and alternating insemination with each other each month. Mostly I want this. I know that what I really want is to have a little baby. But I am still working through the emotions of not being the one to carry - and at the same time I am getting close to taking myself out of the game. I’ve been charting for over two years and I am sick of the pressure, the stress, and the emotional toil it takes on me. Our journey has been funny and heart wrenching. Part of what’s been so difficult has been all the experiences and decisions about fresh or frozen, known donor or anonymous, or identity release. At this point we pretty much know what we want. I feel like we had to figure this all out with my body and that’s part of why I am so tired. But I think a lot of the really hard work- the ethical dilemmas, the soul searching has happened. So perhaps if A. were to start trying her body would not experience the same stress mine has. And maybe she’d be more likely to conceive, and that may make it easier for me in the future.

We’re going forward with using our frozen identity release vials, and may ask our good friend about donating as well. This of course brought up a concern for A. and that was, is it okay to have one child with a KD and another with frozen sperm? For me, I am not sure how I feel about it, but I think she does not think it’s okay. Okay so maybe we have not done all our soul searching, but we’ve done an awful lot!

What do you all think about using different means for multiple children?

This cycle continues to be messed up. I am on day 33 and have no signs of my period. I am starting to lose all my patience with this process!

Also, have let the idea of a KD float back into my head. We’re going to use the 6 vials first and see what happens, but we also may ask a good friend after he recently voluntarily stated he would “hypothetically be interested.” I would love to have his sperm - he is one on my best friends and generally one of the greatest people I’ve ever known.

Stay tuned…

Well this was the one we were going to start again with. We met with my midwife and all my charts looked great, we got the sperm from CA to a storage facility 20 minutes from our home, picked it up last Friday, and then waited for a peak on my monitor. My left ovary ballooned as it always does, and I kept testing, and then my temp dipped and spiked and the engorged pain in my ovaries dissipated, and I still had not gotten a peak reading…At that time I figured we missed ovulation and we made a plan to get the sperm back into storage. I cried and felt really depressed for two days. Since then my temperature has been low and is not reflecting a biphasic cycle, so I am not even sure I ovulated. Based on how my body felt last weekend, I’d say I ovulated, but why is my temperature reflecting differently? This is the second time that I’ve had great charts leading up to TTC and then the cycle we start it sucks. Maybe it was all the stress at work in the three weeks preceding. We’re sticking to the every other month schedule so we won’t attempt to try again until November. I’d be tempted to try in October, but we’ll be vacationing in Colorado around ovulation and I can’t really see taking my tank o sperm on a plane.

I am really getting sick of this process we’ve been planning/prepping/trying for two years and counting last month…I never thought it would take this long.

Apparently when we are not TTC I have nothing to write about. What’s that about?

Well we are gearing up to start…again…for the third time, third method. We’ve decide to use identity release sperm from the Sperm Bank of CA and we’ll be going the IUI route in the office (trying to place our order before the price goes up by $65 on Sept. 1). I am about done with my third successful chart in a row and thanks to the generosity of my wonderful mother we have the finances to start with my September cycle! I only hope we can get all the paper work into the bank in time. I have all the required forms, and we are close to picking a donor. But the bank suggest you register at least one month in advance, which we have not done because we really did not think we’d be able to afford it so soon.

A while ago we made the decision to start with IUIs in the office. We also think that inseminating every other month will be less taxing on my body and stress level, so the short term schedule is September, November, January. This works well with my work schedule for the fall and with the holidays. If the bank does need a month to register us then we’ll have to wait till November because we’re taking a vacation during predicted October ovulation. Life must continue even while TTC.

It feels really weird to be starting again, I’ve been charting for two years, it’s been seven months since out last try. And we’ve used frozen and fresh sperm. I can barely remember how the two week wait feels, or the stress of approaching ovulation and insemination timing. I want it to be different this time. I don’t want to become a crazy obsessive TTC monster as I have been in the past. My goal is to stay calm and take care of my body. I will do anything to prevent my body from halting ovulation for months on end again.

We’re going to meet with my midwife on September 1st to review charts and figure out what the plan will be as ovulation approaches (which will only be a week later…!) But a good dose of her will help center me.

I am so excited that we are starting again!!!!

I’ve been back to work for about three weeks and we are just entering the busiest month of the year. The next two weeks will be very busy, but I am ready for it and am focusing on making time for myself. When I find myself stressed out I flashback to my time on the Cape this summer, days on end sitting at the beach and swimming in the beautiful bay waters. That helps to bring me back to center.

I had so much hope for the opposite ruling. The fight continues…

Well we are back home now. I spent two weeks on the Cape and A. a little less than one. My first week (the week A. was not there) was a perfect beach week. I put in full days almost every day as well as managed to get out kayaking a lot. We tried camping with my 15 month old nephew but when it came time for bed he wasn’t too into it. That put a damper on things so my SIL took him home and they came back for breakfast in the morning. Our second night was rained out. It’s easy to be fair weather campers when you are camping in the town you live in (well the town your family lives in). A. and I did get one amazing beach day while she was there. We went up to Race Point in Provincetown and spent the entire day there (See the pics at left taken at the wharf). Then we showered at the beach and walked around Commercial Street and had a great dinner. We really felt like we were on vacation! The rest of that week the weather not so kind to us and my parents house is under major renovation (they basically gutted the whole thing and are starting over), so staying there was much like camping. That combined with the weather we decided we had plenty to do at home so we left early.

It was great to see my nephew everyday for two weeks. He changed so much in the months time since I’d last seen him. He is talking a little (in both English and German - his mom is from Germany) and he knows limited sign language. He also understands us. For example he was sitting on my lap and I was putting on his sandals. I said “hold this one for me while I put the other one on.” And he put out his hand and held it. He’s also a climber, so we were constantly saying “sit on your bum.” Some times he did and others not so much, but he knew what we were saying. He still cries when people leave the house or when we say good night to him. He hates to leave the social scene or for the social scene to leave him. His favorite word is “wow” and he says it with so much enthusiasm. We use the German word, nay for no and each time we say “nay” he repeats “no no.” It’s so funny. (That’s a picture of the little monkey at the beach.)

We’ve done a lot since we go home. We painted out living and dining rooms and have settled into our new place a little more. It does seem as though there is always more work to do. We keep talking about going kayaking, but keep having to run errands etc. and then when we have time it’s thundering. It’s a downer because we never take vacation time and work, but that’s how it goes this time.

A. is back to work on Monday and I am back on Tuesday. I can’t believe how fast my eight weeks went. I really did do a lot and we still have a trip to Maine this week end for my cousin’s wedding. We’re hoping to meet up with a good friend in Portland Friday night. Then the wedding is in Bath on Saturday. I am ready to go back to work, and at the same time things are so crazy there that I know I will be stressed and anxious as soon as I get back. Oh well. I live through it each year.

In TTC news, I just finished my second excellent cycle in a row. One more good one and we’ll be ready to start trying again. Hopefully we’ll have the money to do it while my body is cooperating. I am just so relieved that I am ovulating again and I am so happy with my fertility monitor. I don’t know how or why I ever charted with out it. I will never use an OPK again and soon I may stop temping. I won’t know what to do with myself!

A. and I moved over the weekend. We only moved across campus, but it was moving none the less. We started with boxes on Saturday with the help of our good friend Hilary. Then three co-workers helped to move our furniture on Sunday. We are in love with our new place and have so much room! Living on a college campus can be a mixed bag and we’ve had a pretty bad apartment for the last two years, but now we’ve been rewarded with the best housing on campus. Some highlights include: a back deck to drink coffee on in the morning, our own washer and drier, 1 1/2 bathrooms (and a tub), walk in closets, four bedrooms, a functional kitchen with a gas stove, and so much more! The cats are pretty happy too. There is still a lot of work to do; two more rooms to unpack and a good deal of painting. I’d hoped to paint before I leave for the Cape on Saturday, but I am starting to think I’ll only get one room done before then. We decided to take the day off today because we’ve been working so hard and really need a break. If the weather holds out there will be fire works in our future!

Here are the cats inspecting the boxes in our old place. They knew something was up and were pretty nervous…

but as you can see they settled right into their new home!

Here are picture of our kitchen and living / dining rooms.

My temperature rose this morning. I am confident I ovulated in the last 24 hours! Yippie! I can’t believe how excited I am to achieve ovulation, but ovulation is the first step in this process and I am excited my body is getting back to normal. Taking a TTC break because we want to is one thing, but having my body force it on us is a whole other story…

We are leaving in two hours for a nine day vacation in Maine, “The Way LIfe Should Be.” I had grand plans of packing through out the week so that I had everything I need, but here it is two hours before we leave, I have a list of things to do, I’m not packed, and I am blogging…

Tonight we’re driving to China, ME to spend three nights with A.’s family. We’ll be able to take our kayaks out on China Lake!!!! Then on Monday we’re driving to Orono for two nights. We’re staying with one of our friends from UMaine and I am meeting up with a friend and my former Grad School advisor for lunch. Wednesday we’ll continue on to Southwest Harbor. My best friend is getting married there on Saturday. We hope to play tourist Wednesday and maybe Thursday. By Friday I am sure I’ll be involved with last minute wedding stuff, and I know I’ll be having a pedicure in Bar Harbor that day I am excited for the wedding and to see my friend (she’s the one that lives in Alaska).

V A C A T I O N here we come!

Main Entry: per·sis·tent
Pronunciation: -t&nt
Function: adjective
Etymology: Latin persistent-, persistens, present participle of persistere
1 : existing for a long or longer than usual time or continuously: as a : retained beyond the usual period persistent leaf> b : continuing without change in function or structure persistent gills> c : effective in the open for an appreciable time usually through slow volatilizing persistent> d : degraded only slowly by the environment persistent pesticides> e : remaining infective for a relatively long time in a vector after an initial period of incubation persistent viruses>
2 a : continuing or inclined to persist in a course b : continuing to exist in spite of interference or treatment persistent cough>
- per·sis·tent·ly adverb

The last few (ok 6) months have really been difficult in terms of TTC. Once we realized my fertility was not quite right, and we’d need to take some time off I got very sloppy with charting. Part of me thinks I needed more time to deal with all the changes and that is why I’ve been charting half heartedly; the other part knows we don’t have the money to start again before the fall. Charting messed with me because I’ve been unable to determine ovulation for way too long now. Knowing that I want to have three solid cycles before trying again, I started this cycle with a vow to stick with all the charting this cycle. No matter what. It was hard, and today (CD 20) was the first day I almost took a day off from my fertility monitor. But I made myself test and guess what I got? My V-E-R-Y FIRST P-E-A-K READING, EVER! It seems as though my ovulation has moved further back than it used to be (CD 16-19) and I am so glad that I was persistent enough to hang in there and make this cycle count! If I can keep on going we should have three good charts in time for September, conceiving in September would mean a June baby, and those of you who know me know I think June is the best month of the year. A girl can hope…

A. and I returned last night from our favorite romantic getaway spot where we celebrated my birthday on Saturday. We’d planned to go camping with friends for my birthday, but the weather was not cooperating — and am I glad because instead we booked our room two days before going and then enjoyed our spur of the moment trip. It did rain on my birthday but I was ready for it and just embraced it. My day started with mimosas at breakfast. That morning we attended a Lupine Festival and bought some really cool art. Lupines are amazingly beautiful pink and purple wild flowers that grow in fields and on the sides of highways. I first saw them when I moved to Maine some six years ago. They are in full bloom by my birthday and there is something about them that just makes me happy. We had no idea this festival was going on when we booked our get away, but it all came together perfectly.

After playing in the rain at the festival we grabbed a coffee to go and then sat in front of the fire (yes it was that chilly). Later on we watched Trans America, which I really enjoyed. And then went out for dinner and martinis at a really nice restaurant in the next town over. We came home to a concert that night. It was a small gathering of women and the musician was really great. It was a wonderful day, and even with out all these events, just being there is soothing and relaxing -I melt upon arrival. The next day we ventured out into the hot tub in the rain. I think I enjoyed the hot tub better in the rain. It is so cool to have your body submerged in the hot water while the cool rain wets your face. There were so many more amazing moments. A. and I joked that we were vacationing at our White Mountains home, because it truly feels like home and we want for nothing while there.

Today is our second wedding anniversary! Someone asked this weekend why we didn’t space my birthday and our wedding out more. I forgot at the time, but then I remembered it was the only weekend that both our families were available all summer that year. So we went for June 12. And it was an amazing year. My birthday was fun, but also filled with last minute wedding details. Then we had our rehearsal the evening of the 9th. What we didn’t know was that we ‘d show up to the rehearsal dinner only to find out it was a surprise wedding shower! The party was welcomed and really led us into celebration mode. We partied most of the night with friends and family from near and far.

Two years ago today I woke A. at 5am because I was so excited that we were getting married! I could not fall back to sleep, but I think she did. I got up and was buzzing around. I had to pick up the flowers, and was terribly disappointed with my head piece, which I could not wear. Eventually us women went to the spa to have our hair and nails done. I am so glad we planned that. I needed to not be in the house doing last minutes stuff. I was so nervous and really needed tranquility. We really misjudged how much time we needed to get ready and by the time we left the spa we were in a huge hurry to get home, get dressed and get to the church. In the end it all worked out. We had a beautiful ceremony. The night continued on with a reception at a friend’s restaurant and then an after party at my parent’s house. I remember sitting by the outside fire with my Mom some time after mid night, smoking cigarettes and still wearing my dress - although I had my Dad’s coat over me. I loved my dress and did not want to take it off ever. I still have it and dream of wearing it again.

Two years later, A. and I have only grown closer as our relationship continues mature. I can’t wait to see it us on our 50th anniversary! Love you, Honey!

My blog seems like an over grown garden these days. Work consumed so much of me from February on that I had nothing left to give to this project. I’ll be around and posting most of this month, and then I’ll be on a sabbatical for July.

There are no real updates in the TTC journey. I’m still waiting for three normal cycles before we inseminate again. I think I ovulated last cycle. I am just not sure when. I stopped temping and testing when I got three high temps after the dip and then my cycle became really long. I sporadically took my temp and from that and my previous LPs I have an idea of when I ovulated. I am not considering my last cycle regular though. I am going to temp and test through this one so that I will know for sure. Honestly, I am fine with what’s going on. I have been so busy and having so much fun that I have not been thinking about TTC and have even been happy that I am not pregnant so that I can do all that I am doing. I imagine we’ll be back at it again by September or more likely October since September is a crazy work month for me. We decided to go with the Sperm Bank of CA. But we’ve done nothing in the way of registering with them.

In my other world I am done with work for the summer!!!! Yesterday was my last day, although I am going in for three days next week - planning days for the next academic year. One of which consists of a day at the beach. I have some work that I did not finish, but I have until June 15th to do it and now I can do it on my time. I foresee taking my laptop to a cafe and finishing my reports. And I am okay with that. Mostly I am psyched to own my time for the next 8 weeks.

As the academic year ended, so are some wonderful working relationships. There are four people (myself included) that do my job, I am the only one staying, so these last few weeks have been filled with parties and after hours parties. We’re partying like we are the ones who just graduated. I am so sad to lose some of these co-workers, but we’ve done an amazing job at enjoying and maximizing these last moments together. And we have more to come through out the month.

Our summer is full of lots of exciting adventures. Soon A. and I are taking a week long vacation to Maine. We’ll visit her family, and then friends from college/gradschool respectively, and then we’ll head out to Southwest Harbour for my best friend’s wedding. The wedding is going to be wonderful. It’s quite casual with a wild flower theme.

We are also gearing up for our big move across campus. Well we’re not so excited about the move as we are about our new home. We’re moving into a four bedroom, 1 1/2 baths, wood floor, two level, laundry included, town house style apartment. This is a major upgrade from the campus housing we’ve had for the last two years. I have grand plans for each room. I am excited to have a craft room with nothing but craft materials, my studio if you will. We’re also buying a whole new living room set. And we just found out this week we may have a house guest for a while. My other best friend is trying to move to Noho. This place is so hard to get established in so she may stay with us while she gets on her feet.

Once the move is over and we are settled in I am Cape Cod bound. I can almost feel my feet in the hot sand and the sea salt spraying on my body. I can’t wait to gather my beach gear for the summer and plunk myself down. A. will join me on the Cape for the last two weeks of July (I do wish she had summers off as well). And just before I return to work on August 1st we’ll travel back to Maine as my cousin and her partner get married (non-legal style - URGH!).

That’s what’s going on here. Now I need to catch up on all your blogs!

Peace.

I have been a terrible blogger for the last few months, and this will surely continue as we roll into summer… But I do need to catch up here and post my interview questions for Rebecca:

1. You are on the road to Minnesota as I write this. What will you miss about Oberlin or the area?

2. What are you most excited about moving home?

3. At what age did you know you wanted to become a Rabbi?

4. What drew you to Rabbinical school? When do you think you’ll go?

5. Where do you get all the BSC books?

I’ve joined in the interview game. Following are Lo’s questions for me:

1) Have you always known you wanted to have a child(ren)? Explain…
YES! I am not sure how or why I knew from a very young age, but I’ve always wanted children. I was always drawn to babies and was just in heaven when I’d get to hold my little cousins and neighbors. I have a very strong maternal instinct. I have also known for a very long time that I want to experience pregnancy.

2) Cape Cod & Western Mass….compare & contrast.
Two very different and very beautiful places. I grew up on the Cape and as a teenager thought it was the most boring place on Earth- not much to do during the winter months (Oct-May) and I always worked a ton during the summer so I couldn’t enjoy the beach. Now I really love it there, and return often to see my family. I also love being able to spend my summers (I have summers off from work) at my parent’s house and many days on the beach. I live for those days on the beach. I do love the small town feel and being third generation, I have many connections there. In my heart I am a Cape Codder. I moved to Western MA from Maine after grad school. Western MA is the place I belong right now. We live in a young, fun, artsy area where there is a lot to do, both indoors and out (we love the live music scene here), and where there are a lot of young people. I am not sure if I will ever feel as connected to this place as I am the Cape, but I think I do love it more. I love the landscape and all this area has to offer. I also like the liberalness. There are so many lesbians here and I feel we are integrated into the fabric of this place. I never feel nervous in public and I always feel our relationship is valued. I’ve never been in such a liberal, welcoming place. Sometimes I think I take it for granted.

3) What’s your favorite candy?
Rolos - I love caramel and I love chocolate.

4) How did you and A. meet?
This is a long story. Click on this link for the long version. Short version: I was in my first semester of grad school at the University of Maine and she was in her final semester of undergrad. We met at the local pub (there’s only one) and proceeded to email, call, and hang out with each other for two excruciating weeks before we finally admitted to each other what was going on. We were each other’s first girlfriends and we’ve been together more than 5 years. Our second wedding anniversary is just weeks away.

5) What do you enjoy about working with college students? (or, what do you find frustrating about it. Or both.)
Good question. I love being a part of and seeing their growth. For the traditional aged college students the time they spend in college is like no other. They are figuring out how to exist independent of their families ( some more than others) and through this process they develop life skills while gaining an education.

I am with them day in and day out. I am there for the achievements: doing well in a class, successfully negotiating a room mate or hall mate conflict, organizing a campus event, g-r-a-d-u-a-t-i-o-n (tomorrow!), getting into grad school, their first real job offers, and many more. And I am also there when: they really mess up, end up in the hospital for alcohol poisoning (or other not so fun stuff), the drama of complicated relationships, drug rehab, sexual assault, the frustration of navigating the system, depression and loss, and so on. Through all of that I am a part of their learning and growth process. I am talking with them and hopefully making a difference in their higher education experience. I see the growth in my students and that is highly satisfying. I got into this work in part because I did not have the best undergrad experience and I (try) to start each day with the mind set that I am here to make a difference and to make their experience the best I can. I also love that I learn SO much from them. They really do teach me.

That all sounds so rosy…but there are downfalls. There are some students that no matter how much you try and care and give of yourself, you can’t get through. There are so many reason and so many barriers that perpetuate this obstacle. These are the cases that break my heart. I also get really frustrated with the students who have no regard for our community and behave wildly inappropriate.

End Interview.

I think the way this interview thing works, is now I am supposed to offer to be the interviewer and if you want to be interviewed, you should leave me a comment. I will draft up questions for you to post on your blog, and then you will carry on the process. So please, let me know if you want to be interviewed!

I ovulated! I can’t believe how great it feels to know my body is getting back to normal. Ovulation was earlier than it used to be, but it happened and that’s all that matters right now!

Thanks to all of who replied to my last post. I think we’ll probably end up going with SBC. A. likes that it’s non-profit and we both like that all the profiles are available at no additional cost. I guess it’s time for us to start talk to them soon.

Oh and Gretch, thanks for linking me. I’ll do the same with you.

Huh…I should have been pregnant by now.

We started this process six months ago. At the time my midwife told me that given my age and health it should take me three to six months to get pregnant. And I fully intended to be pregnant by now. I was even making accommodations for a matron of honor dress I’ll be wearing in June - because I was sure I’d be pregnant. But I am not.

Two rounds of frozen and one round of fresh and three cycles off, I am soooooooooooo not pregnant. In all fairness my midwife meant I would need to try each month for the three to six month prediction to be accurate. We went at it for the first two cycles with no success. Then took a cycle off while we worked things out with our KD. Looking back I realize that was the first cycle I stopped ovualting, but did not pick up on it for a while. Then did one round with the KD (again did not ovulate). Shortly there after things fell apart with him and ovulation continued to cease. I do believe I will ovulate this month, and can only hope that I will continue to do so….and thus be able to start back up with frozen sperm in July or August.

My patience are running thin and I am ready to begin again, but I also need to be sure my body is ready and in a place that will have a chance of conception. I never really believed that stress could impact my cycle to the extent that it did, but now I know better. We are looking at three spermbanks. If you have any info about them, please let me know. They are: New England Cryo (which we used and I did not like), California Cryo, and the Sperm Bank of CA. These are the only ones that we’ve found that will do identity release upon age 18.

I have mixed emotions about using a sperm bank again. But it seems to be our only option, as I am not willing to go down the KD route again.

We are starting to get back on our feet. I think (hope) I am over the worst of the messed up cycles. My hormones seem to be regulating (according to my fertility monitor) and I think I will ovulate this cycle (the first time since November)! I had the 49 day cycle followed by an 18 day cycle.

If all goes well from this cycle on we’re hoping to start again in July or August. We’ll have to take September and October off due to my work schedule (but hopefully we’ll be preggers by then!). We’ve talked about some KD options, but I think we are going anonymous. Neither of us really want to involve a third (or fourth) party and we are still feeling pretty burnt by our last KD. I think we will go with the open frozen option. Yes, it’s more money, but it is worth it if our child wants to find their other biological half one day. (A. wants to research this a little more to see if it really works or if it is just another gimmick to get our money. I’d love to hear what ya’ll know and if any of you have gone this route, what’s your experience been?) It may mean inseminating every other month in order to afford the additional cost, but I’ve learned that taking a month off between can be a wonderful thing. Another change– we are going to go the IUI route. I am sick of messing around at home and want to be sure the swimmers get in there. I understand there is a greater success rate with IUI.

This is really just a rant and is totally unrelated to TTC.

Part of my job requires me to be on-call 24 hours a day for one week per month. I went on-call last Friday at 4:30pm. All hell broke loose at 5pm and here it is 1:20 am on Thursday and it just gets worse.

I’ve been paged 5 out of the last 6 nights and each time for a major crisis. Of course most of this happens when I am sound alseep so I am woken up and go into crisis response mode, and then have a really hard time going back to sleep (hence this post). I am pretty used to responding to one maybe two crises in a week, but this week…I am so tired, so fried…I really can’t take another crisis. I am ready for the week to be over- and come 4:30 on Friday we are soooooooooo out of here for the weekend!

Well, I finally landed on Day 1 last Thursday. Phew. I am back to charting, and will hopefully 1. be able to detect ovulation this cycle, 2. start having regular cycles again (soon).

We still don’t have a plan to go forward, but we have some time to figure it out. We celebrated our nephew’s 1st birthday this weekend and seeing him rekindled all my desires to have a child—now! I love him and love being with him, but it is so hard at the same time, because I want one of my own. Soon, I hope.

This is totally not related- A. and I finally bought kayaks last week!!!! We are so excited. We are gearing up for a couple vacations in the next few months and will have lots of opportunities to use them!

Life has been a little crazy, okay a lot. But work should slow down a little and I am home from my conference. I had to get up at 5am yesterday to fly home. I got home and was in bed by 11:30am. I slept till 4pm and then went to bed at 10:30pm and just woke up (10am). To say I was tired from the last month and the conference would be an understatement. I don’t go back to work till Monday and I am sooooo happy about that!

Now on to the story of how and why we brokeup with our KD. I’ve written in many previous posts that things started to get a little tense with our KD after we gave him the contract. He thought he’d have more “protections” and we started to feel he wanted more than we were willing to give. He talked to a lot of people and came up with all kinds of what if scenarios that we wanted to write in. We did entertain some of his ideas, and agreed to a once a month visit, this of course, was against our lawyers advice. As well as against the advice of some women we know who used a KD to conceive their now 21 year old daughter. But we still felt great about the relationship that we’d have with our KD and really wanted our child to know him, etc. Each time that he would email to ask for more, I would have a knee jerk reaction and get nervous, then we’d talk on the phone and all my worries were put to rest.

He decided he needed to get his own lawyer, which I supported. Looking back I realize I should have known it was the beginning of the end. He was excited to meet with her and thought that they’d work everything out and we’d have the contract ready to sign when I returned from my trip and we’d be inseminating this weekend. Instead I got an email from him on Monday the 13th letting me know things did not go so well and he’d call me that night.

He called and I knew from the beginning that it was over. His lawyer told him he did not know us well enough to trust us, and the contract will not hold up in court, and that even if he sings his rights away the State can still come after him for child support. That’s the kicker for me. A. and I are both professionals. I have a masters degree and am building a solid career. We both make decent money and DO NOT WANT HIS! He kept saying, what if you two break up, and you lose your job? Then you could come after me for child support. If this all happened the first place I’d to go would be my family and they would help me. I would never go to my sperm donor! It seemed so ironic that he wanted us to write in visitation (and he asked us to up it to two visits per month, I said no) and yet he is not willing to risk the miniscule chance that I’d go after him for child support? If anything I had to worry about whether or not he’d actually give up rights when it came time. This whole game is all about trust. He never really acknowledged that we had to put a great deal of trust into him too.

So in the end, he regretfully bowed out. He was upset that he was doing so and yet felt he had too much to risk (financially). He did genuinely seem upset. He really was excited to be a part of this. I hung up the phone and proceeded to release all the emotions that I’d built up over the last 5 or so month. I cried uncontrollably. Part of me was relieved because we were starting to question the level that he was seeking to be involved, and the other part of me mourned the idea of a KD. We have some strong reasons for wanting to use one and I just don’t know if I am strong enough to entertain the idea again. I was crying because I knew that our baby making adventure would once again be put on hold. I cried and cried and cried. I tried to go to bed, but could not stop crying. A. held me until I stopped crying and we went back to bed. I looked terrible the next day. My eyes were all puffy and I cried intermittently through out the day. I couldn’t talk about it to anyone, or even blog, because I would cry. Three days after it happened I told my mom. She was great and we both cried a little. Her friend who used a KD called me on Friday while I was waiting for my plane. This was the first time I was able to talk about it and not cry (an thankfully so since I was in the airport). She was so supportive and gave me some good ideas of how to move on, when we are ready to move on.

Almost two weeks later I am in a much better space. It’s hard to lose our KD, but at the same time, I know it was the right thing. He wanted too much and we were getting caught up in our emotions to be clear enough about wanted we wanted. It could have been great, but it is our job to make sure we are 100% comfortable with a KD. And we were not with him.

We are taking a little break to figure things out and to decide what our next plan will be. And it’s a good thing we decide to do so because my body has decide to force us into a break. I am on CD 43 today (I usually have a 28 day cycle)! I have no clue if I ovulated this cycle. And I am sure it’s going to take a few cycles to get my body back to normal. The stress really has done a number on me. We’ve wondered if I am pregnant (my last period after the insem was the lightest I’ve ever had) and now I am super late. So far the tests have been negative (including this morning). I am going to call my midwife Monday if this continues. And I am hoping so much that I am not pregnant. I can’t imagine having a child with the KD at this point.

A. and I broke up with our Known Donor last night. I can’t really put to words what I am feeling, other than thumb and sad, and a little relieved. I’ll write more later.

We are officially on a TTC break!

Both of our furbabies are 4 1/2 years old and they are great playmates. The orange cat is Emmy. We thought he was a girl when we named him and then just didn’t really care that he had “girl” name. We still get flack about it from people. I always reply, he’s a cat. I don’t think he has any gender identity confusion. That usually shuts them up. He is a blob of a cat and really kind of does his own thing. But he sleep at the foot of our bed most nights and is very good natured. Gwyneth is the black cat. She is the most loving snuggle cat I’ve ever had. She snuggles into me all night, ever night and wants to be on a humans lap when ever there is one available. Her nick name is bean or little bean. She is a bit of a wonder cat. She used to jump on to the top of doors and one time, while A. and I were in California, she jumped up and fell and fractured her hip! She was 6 months at the time. Our cat sitter had to deal with all sorts of craziness! She also ran away for 11 days just after we moved to Northampton. I thought we’d never see her again, but she came back one night.

I feel so out of the blog loop. I read over all my linked blogs tonight and many of you have lots of stuff going on. But I can’t believe I didn’t know that BB&Sarah are pregnant!!!!! Congratulations and you two give me hope. I think it was their fourth round with fresh sperm.

Work continues to be busy so I haven’t been able to read blogs lately. And when I get home I am so beat from the day that I just veg out - or go to bed cause I’ve been getting home so late.

Not much has changed in our world. A. and I talked about our lawyer’s concerns and decided to go ahead any way. Then we got another email from KD that was upsetting. He wanted to up the visitation. He called later that night and I told him absolutely not. This will be our child and we are beginning to wonder if he is going to be able to deal with that reality. He backed off and we had a good conversation. He finally got a lawyer and she is looking over the contract and proposed changes. We have yet to get back to our lawyer and just today he emailed to see if we’d get our lawyer to be in touch with his so they can hammer out all the legal jargon together. We wanted to have this all set by now - we anticipated insemination beginning again in two weeks. But my cycle seems to be a little longer this month and my temps still don’t reflect ovulation (for the second month in a row). So who knows what will happen?

My anxiety is not as bad as it was last weekend. Work continues to pile up all over me - I don’t think my office has ever been so messy—my desk is a mess, both couches are covered in materials I am gathering to take to a conference next week, and worst of all my calendar is booked solid. I am working a bunch if nights. But Next Friday I will get on a plane and fly away from it all. I am going to a work conference and will spend two very gruling days in the placement center conducting interviews for openings in my department. But once that is over I will get to enjoy the conference, attend a great drag show, and other dance parties, and reconnect with grad school folks. I will be gone till Wednesday. Even though it’s work, I will be away from my office and away from the stress.

I miss posting and reading blogs daily. I hope life settles down soon.

Oh and I am soooooooooooo excited about tomorrow’s photo Friday. I love my little fur balls. I can’t wait to see all of yours (furry or not)!!!

I was up all night last night. I am not a very good sleeper but this was ridiculous! We went to bed at 11:30. I laid there and watch the clock tick away. 12:02, 12:29, 30 31, 1:12, 2:39, 2:59. Once I got to 3am I was kicking myself for not getting up hours ago and calling my best friend in Alaska. But instead I finally got up and went to the couch to watch t.v. Normally I would have taken a sleeping pill long before I got to this point (well not normally, but since I am not TTC this cycle, it would’ve been okay). But I am on-call and there is nothing worse than falling into a medicated state of sleep and having to get up to respond to an emergency in the wee hours of the morning.

So there I am on the couch, with my kitty, and Nick at Night television programming! I watched reruns of my favorite childhood shows till 5:15am when A. got up to use the bathroom and I decided to try going to bed. I fell asleep some time around 6am and got up at 9am.

I was WIDE awake. When A. got up I was bouncing off the walls for having been up all night. I am not sure if this was a case of random insomnia, a reaction to the iced tea I drank with dinner, or a result of the huge anxiety ball that has taken up residence in my chest.

I think it’s probably all three with the anxiety exacerbating it. I can’t relax because my body is so tense from stress. Then I start to worry and the anxiety kicks in. I did have a terrible week at work and now I am on call, which is not relaxing, but I have not experienced such anxiety or sleep disturbance since I wasl in college.

Perhaps if I got up and went to my office in the middle of the night and worked on the stuff I am worrying about, it would go away. But I don’t think so. I think the anxiety is partly coming from this process (although work stress is not helping) and all the uncertainty. Our lawyer does not think we should amend the contract as we decided to do with our KD. She is worried about what we want to include and thinks it’s not going to protect us in some areas. She will do it if we tell her to, but she’s advised against it. Now, we are not adding anything we don’t want to, so I want to tell her to shut up and write the damn contract as we want it, that is what we are paying her for right? My rational self knows we are paying her for her legal expertise and as such she wants to write the contract in our best interest. A. and I have not really talked about it. A. spoke with her on Thursday and then told me what she said, but we haven’t have the chance to really process it yet.

All this added to the fact that I have not had a normal chart since my November cycle - my last two charts have not detected ovulation, and I am an enormous ball of anxiety. At times the pit in my chest feels so heavy I have a hard time breathing. And then I go back to thinking, I can’t be stressed while TTC - riiiiiiiiiiiiiiight!

This blog has been a source of some sanity through this. Here’s hoping for a restful night sleep tonight (or this afternoon, which ever the case maybe).

Life has been busy since my last post.

A. and I ended up going to the Cape last weekend after all, and meeting with KD. We made a long weekend out of it, taking Friday off. My brother and SIL just moved there so we got to see their house all set up and spend time with them and my parents. We meet with KD on Saturday afternoon. It went well. We were able to clear up some of the confusion and come to some agreements. We agreed that we would write into the contract that we will foster a relationship between him and the child and that in the event of irreconcilable differences we’d commit to him seeing the child once per month. We also clarified that my brother will be appointed guardian in the event of our untimely death and that he agrees to abide by the contract. I was afraid that KD was going to back out or that we wouldn’t be able to give him what he wanted and that would be the end. But we worked it all out and if the contract is amended by ovulation time in March then we’ll start back up then. It’s a tricky one because I will be in Indianapolis for work and hoping I will make it back in time before ovulation.

My chart continues to suck for the third cycle in a row. Lat month it was not clear if and when I ovulated. This month I seemed to have ovulated on CD 16 and two days later my temp started going down. Today (CD 20) it was at the lowest it’s been at 96.8. I can’t figure out what’s going on. My thermometer is not old. I think we’ll meet with my midwife to discuss. I am getting really discouraged.

This is a really busy time at work, so I probably won’t post as frequently as I have been. I worked till 10 last night and anticipate working till at least 7 tonight. It will be this way till some time in May. Spring semester is always the busiest. But it’s all worth it when I get to spend the summer on the beach! I just hope the stress doesn’t mess with my ovulation.

Congratulations and well wishes to Erika and Jay. Their little boy was born last week. He has a heart condition and at four days old is in surgery today. Please send positive energy to little Sammy.

Thanks to all my readers who gave me support this week. I am in a much better place than I was when I posted Feeling Blue. I am not over the things that I was feeling, but I did manage to cry some, and A. and I have talked a bit.

We were both working late much of this week and then we finally were getting time together around 8 on Thursday night when I got paged (I was on-call for work) and I ended up spending the next four hours in the ER with a student that soooooooooo did not need to be there. I got home at 6 last night, and my honey had wine waiting for me and we just hung out and eventually talked about all that’s been going on.

Not much has changed, but I am accepting that I need to let go of trying to be in control of getting pregnant. It’s not the end of the World that we need to take this month off. And we believe we will work out our contract so that it suits both our needs and our KD’s needs. It just may take time, but it is good test of our relationship with him and is a meaningful event in building our relationship.

I am enjoying not preparing my body for insemination— I drank coffee yesterday, and black tea today! Tonight A., and I are going out to the most fabulous martini bar with my mother and my favorite co-worker. Just one of their martinis is enough to make me drunk. I am learning how to use my monitor, and not stressing about it working on the first cycle. And best of all A. and I are researching places to take a get-away-weekend for next weekend. We were going to go to our usual retreat and may still, but we are looking at some other options- just to try something new. So far we like this place in Woodstock, NY, and this place near Ithaca, NY, and I’ve been lusting after this place in West Dover, VT for a really looooong time.

Things are more hopeful now. In my professional life I am rejuvenated after attending a conference yesterday. It made me very excited for an upcoming conference I will be attending in Indianapolis next month.

Thanks again to all my virtual friends for you support and kind words during my break down last week. And also, thank you to my very best friend in the whole World, for emailing a comment to me since she couldn’t post a comment on my blog. I love you. We’ve been friends since 5th grade- and she is like a sister to me. She lives in Alaska with her fiance now, which is very cool and she loves it there (and I love visiting her there), but I miss her a lot!

I had to post this a day early- I will be out of the office at a conference tomorrow (yippie!) and won’t be near a computer.

Here are my hands! The crunched up one is very symbolic of how I’ve been feeling the last few days. But I figured I throw in a full hand pic too! Oh and I am kind of embarrassed about my jagged finger nails.