You are currently browsing the category archive for the 'TWW' category.
This weekend was sucktackular!
No blood yet, plenty of PMS signs. Saturday and Sunday were spent balling my eyes out. Not sure how I became so emotional, but every little thing made me cry. Just when I thought I’d gotten myself together, I’d start again. The most puzzling episode was when I cried after breaking a mug. It was an accident, and also was my favorite pottery mug, but not crying worthy. I was so sick of myself and my home that I ended up leaving Sunday to hang out with a friend. That made all the difference in the World. Four hours passed with out any crying and when I got home A. and I were able to talk about how the weekend had gone horribly wrong. And, I’ve stopped crying. Which is a really good thing, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it to work today if it continued. For now we wait. Usually A. takes me out for dinner when the blood shows, but this time I’ve asked her to take me out for martinis at my favorite martini bar. I may even have two, one as my main course and the next as my dessert!
Yesterday I felt crampy, period crampy. Usually in the days before my period, I get dull cramps in the wee hours of the morning. Today, the same cramps palgued me around five am. So much so that I could have taken ibuprofen, if only I weren’t so lazy and didn’t want to get out of bed.
Instead, I lay there, knowing I am not pregnant. Sad. Tired. Really so tired, not because it was 5am (I went to bed at 9:30), tired of this. Tired of all the emotional work. The start of my cycles, the drugs, temping, the ultra sounds, the opks, the monitor, the phone calls to the midwives, the iuis. Tired of thinking it could work, tired of spending two weeks waiting for the news I so desperately want, tired of never getting that news. Tired of crying.
I am so tired of having so many people involved in this process. They are all great, but I am not sure I have articulated the added stress. I hate to inconvenience people, and that’s what I do every month. I need to be fitted in, when I need it. Not because I am a bitch, but because ovulation has its own schedule. I am sick of fighting with the receptionists at the MWs office, me insisting I need to speak to a MW today. I am tired of buying sperm. $7,000 and counting. SEVEN THOUSAND! And that does not include, all the sticks: monitor, opk, and pregnancy tests. Nor the monthly storage fees. And you know what, seven thousand dollars is nothing compared to what we’ve paid emotionally. I bet we’re into the millions now.
I know it isn’t over till I bleed, but I am not a fool, I know my body. I know all too well which days leading up to bleeding I: break out, start cramping, and have sore breasts. How couldn’t I, I’ve been charting for eons. And then there’s that holiday tomorrow. A holiday I’ve never really cared about. Always recognized my mother, but kind of thought it was a weird holiday, so why am I so sad that it’s passing? Yet another holiday that makes me sad. Just like the previous two Christmases. It’s the passing of time, these holidays are like anniversaries that remind me I am still not pregnant. And I had really hoped for the ultimate mother’s day gift this year.
I may need a break. I don’t want to take a break. Breaks are part of why this is taking so effing long. I will try again next cycle since it’s the third cycle post HSG and thus my last extra fertile cycle, not that that’s made any difference so far. Then I may need to take the summer off.
Yesterday, at 7dpo, I had possible-maybe blood appear in the toilet. I had cramping. And a zit broke through.
The angel on my shoulder says, the blood and cramping are sure signs of implantation. The devil on the other shoulder, mocks me, are you nuts, you’re not pregnant. No way. And this here zit arrived on cue to let you know that your not.
So we wait. Test day is Tuesday. I do feel a lot more bloated this cycle than I’ve been before. But I know not to read into anything, because my mind can convince me anything is a sign of pregnancy while in the tww.
Check.
Well it was so much more low-key than I thought it would be. I pictured the lady opening closets and looking under sinks. She walked through the first floor, counting smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. There was more of the same when we went up stairs, except she was also measuring the bedrooms. Her measuring device was soooooo cool. She’d hold it to one wall and a laser beam would show on the opposite wall, and the measurement showed up on the device! I need one of those. With our current configuration we could have seven children, if we moved our bedroom to where it used to be, we could have eight. One or two is just fine with me; I don’t fancy packing them in like sardines.
After touring our home she quickly reviewed her checklist and gave us some ideas for further safety measures. In the end we passed with flying colors. But we can’t start the MAPP classes until what feels like forever- late summer or early fall. Our schedules just don’t mesh with the times they are having the next two sessions (A.’s school and me being away for July). Lucky we’re professionals when it comes to waiting.
I am excited, and a little nervous. Starting this process, and having the visit today made me feel like no matter what, if we want kids, we will have them, even if we don’t carry them. There are kids out there, and we are making our way to them. It’s exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. After trying for so long, there is a part of me that has begun to think about life with out children. Part of me sunk into that idea and with that came more doubt about ever getting pregnant. When you (I) can’t get pg and have no control, you (I) lose hope. Starting the adoption process gives me hope, for the first time in a long time. As long as A or I don’t do anything crazy to get some criminal record, then we will have a child. We will. Do you know that this is the first thing I’ve felt like I have any control over since we started ttc? It is. I’ve felt out of control since September 2005. That’s a long freakin’ time, no wonder I began to lose hope. Now I’ve got a shred of hope back, and of course I still think I’m currently getting knocked up. For 5dpo, I am doing great!
A and I are comfortably making our way through the tww. As I tried to sleep the other night I calculated how much time we’ve spent in the tww - this is our 8th try so that’s 16 weeks, or 4 months. Depressing. but we’ve been so caught up in being excited, knowing this is the one, blah, blah blah, that we nearly forgot we have a home inspection tomorrow. Ya know, for that little adoption project we’re working on.
We planned on cleaning today, and also addressing all the the safety regulations the woman will be looking for (cleaning products and medication out of reach, etc.). And completely unrelated we’ve been talking about moving our bedroom into another room. We decided we’d get to all of it today. First we swapped our bedroom and the guest bedroom, and had to redistribute some furniture through all the rooms. Then we decided to take our make shift third bedroom that housed a futon and all of our crap and turn it into a real bedroom and put all the crap in a storage closet (as we did this I felt like when we moved in last summer we just got sick of unpacking and threw the crap into a room and shut the door…). So now our bedroom is in the biggest room and we have two guest rooms (anyone want to come visit?). The second guest room looks like it’s ready for a kid. Hmmm. I hope the home inspector will pick up on this.
I found all our electric outlet covers (from when our nephew would visit) and put them in all the unused outlets. We are going to head out to get some other safety measures today - and some baskets to organize all the crap under our bathroom sinks - I’d die if the lady opened them and saw how we just throw everything in - out of sight out of mind. Once we were done with all the rearranging we started to clean. As A tried to take an outlet cover off to plug in the vacuum she said, “hun, these are really hard to get off.” I replied, “yeah, that’s kind of the point.”
Holy shit…there are so many of us just entering the tww. At last count here are all the cycle sisters:
Any one else? Maybe our combined fertility and the spring time will work some magic. Good luck, friends!
p.s. part of my dream has come true…said good friend called last night to say he was on his way to visit for the weekend! We’re going to Pride together today!
There is nothing like taking your temp the morning after an iui and seeing a spike. Nothing. Absolutely nothing! (Let’s not talk about the monitor peaking this morning, I hate that thing, ever since clomid, opks are way more reliable!) My work is done for this cycle, now I have to leave it into the hands of a higher power. So glad to sit back and relax, the days leading up to ovulation are so stressful.
As we gear up for try number 8 (charting cycle number 21) we find ourselves in the hopeful moments. Last night A. said to me, It’s going to work this time. And so started the conversation, yes it could work, but… This led us to talk about the cycle days that we like (we know how to have fun on a Friday night!). We agreed insemination day(s) are our favorite days when excitement and hope surrounds us. Two dpo is also a fun day, but by 4 dpo we are usually losing hope and find our selves strung out trying to make the tww pass. A. also likes cd 4-6, where there’s no work (I think she forgot about Clomid). She said it’s nice at the start when I don’t temp and don’t poas ten times a day (okay, more like one to four times in a day, depending on how close I am to ovulation). I get what she meant, so I’d say I like all of cd 4 and most of cd 5, but as soon as the drugs go into me on cd 5 night, I long for cd 11 when they are flushed from my system and I return to a normal sane human being. It’s a miracle that we are as happy as we are given we generally enjoy about five days of my cycle every month…
I think I would have a heart attack.
I am hanging in at 11dpo. I have little hope, but my temp spike this morning ensured this roller coaster ride will last right up to the end of my luteal phase (tomorrow). If I make it past that, I will test on Monday.
We started ttc nearly two and a half years ago. You’d think that by now I’d be used to the idea that it could work, and if it did we’d have a baby. A real live baby. A child we’d be responsible for taking care of forever. This is what I want, but sometime the reality frightens the hell out of me! I have a mini freak out during each iui when I realize it could work. And now as I reach the end of my LP, with a temp spike, I get the same chest-tightening nervous feeling.
Most of my anxiety comes from knowing how much our lives will change. A. and I have grown comfortable with relaxing in our free time…some might say we’ve turned it into a sport. We’re also impulsive and will pick up at a moments notice for a variety of adventures - near and far. Our relationship would change. I’m sure it would be a great - wonderful - amazing change, but we’d be three (or four) and that is so much more than two. For six years we’ve been two and it blows my mind to add a baby in.
So while each month I test, and pray to see two pink lines, there is still a part of me that can’t imagine the shock I will feel if I ever see two pink lines.
At 9dpo I usually start to have cramps. Today I am 9dpo, and woke to horrible cramps. If history is repeating, I am not pregnant.
I am in love with our piano. I came home from work today, immediately sat down to play and didn’t get up for over an hour. I didn’t even get on-line!!! I think playing will help me in so many ways…and mostly around stress release. It was so calming to sit and play for an hour, to use my hands, to hear the music, to rest my thoughts and focus only on the notes and music I produced. It’s so wonderful.
In other news, I am hanging out here at 7 dpo. Just a few more (ok, five more) days till I can test. I’ve convinced myself it did not work, but that is just my defense mechanism. If I did, I’d be over joyed, and if I didn’t, well I’ll be disappointed again, but at least I won’t have spent the previous two weeks building myself up for the fall. Nothing else going on. But I do l-o-v-e day light savings!
I am exhausted! Work was crazy this week. I slept till 9:30 this morning and feel like I could go back to bed now, after being awake for only two hours. I pushed myself through this week because I knew I had to do it, and had no idea how tired I was. Next week will actually be worse…Monday - Thursday will be 12-13 hour work days, every day! You better believe I am going to try to sneak out early on Friday to jump start a long weekend! The following week is spring break and I’m only working four days, then I am out of the office for 11 work days! I soooo need this break!
The pace at work has helped to completely distract me from the tww. Mostly, I forget that I am waiting. This has never happened before. It’s fitting that the insanity will continue almost up to my test date, 3/19, a holiday for me (made up spring break holiday at the college I work at). I rather like the fast pace. I usually torment myself in the tww so this is a nice change. There’s also the fact that I have lost hope that this will work, and refuse to psych myself up, yet again, just to be let down for the seventh time.
Work is not the only distraction this time. We are hanging out (and eating Indian food!!!) with a friend of mine form high school and her husband tonight, they are visiting from out of town and with H, my very best friend (also from high school), who lives here. Tomorrow we pick up our piano with the help of a friend/co-worker and one of my students. I can’t wait! I only wish I had some music, all my sheet music is at my parent’s house and I have no immediate plans to visit them.
Between the killer week coming up and playing around with the new piano, I hope the tww continues to remain chill.
I am three days late.
All hpts have been negative so far.
Period signs are no where in sight.
I am calling my midwife Monday morning to see about having a beta.
A. thinks I am pregnant, she reminded me one of the most reliable ways to know is a missed period. Only about 3% of me thinks I am pregnant.
Folks, I am grasping at straws as we round the corner to the finish line of this tww. I spent more than a week thinking no way, timing was off, ovulation was not pin pointed…and since realizing a dying thermometer was to blame for low and flat temps I have resurrected hope.
My throat started hurting around 6 o’clock last night. This made me remember reading some women posting on Fertility Friend that one of their early signs of pregnancy was a sore throat, cold, or combination of both.
My MW said she saw fertile mucus when she did the second IUI. She speculated I’d ovulate in the next several hours. My cervix was open, it would not have been if ovulation wasn’t impending…and certainly not if it were more than a week away, as my temps began to suggest.
My 18 month charting history tells me that for all ovulatory cycles, my breasts become sore at seven dpo and cramps start at about eight or nine dpo. Neither one are in sight this cycle.
Part of me wants to believe it could have happened. And part of me is terrified that it did not happen. And part of me is terrified that it did happen. Prior to testing there is a certain level of fantasy, if it worked we’d have an October baby. A Scorpio. etc. Once I test, that all goes out the window, because it’s never been +. And that takes me to the terrified that it did not happen, and all the joy I’ve allowed myself to experience over the last couple days vanishes. We move onto infertility testing and drugs. And more effing money that we don’t have to try to conceive our dream. So why would I be terrified that it worked? That’s my practical side. Money. How will we afford day care? Would I be able to surrender my child to day care? Do I want to be a stay at home mom, and how would we afford it?
A. is buying hpts on her way home tonight. I don’t know how I would resist taking one tomorrow morning if they are in the house! And yet, I want to stay in my fantasy land where I am pregnant until proven not.
Remember when you where a kid and you used a glass thermometer with mercury rising to give your temperature reading? I do.
BBTs are digital, as far as I know. We have little to no way of knowing if they are broken. I didn’t know mine was broken until I tried to take my temperature on Sunday morning and it would not turn on! …is it possible that this explains why my temperature never spiked? I’d like to think so.
9 dpo and counting!
p.s. NY was fun, drag party was great, eight hours in the car by myself generated lots of blog ideas…
I thought for sure that my bbt would spike the morning after my last post, and ovulation would be confirmed and I would know for sure that this was all done. Was I ever wrong! My bbt has been low and flat for days. Maybe my thermometer is dying, or malfunctioning. My body is starting to feel the way it does after ovulation…with respect to mucus, or lack there of, if you catch my drift…
Overall I feel better. I’m still wicked bummed that the timing was probably off, but am not as stressed and freaked out as I was. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve been to two yoga classes and one pilates class this week. Go me!
I feel like the fertilty goddesses kicked me while I was down.
As if last week was not bad enough, why oh why did the efing OPK have to lie to me? Didn’t I say they don’t work? So why did I let the MWs talk me into suplementing the monitor with them? And why did I spend $45 alone on OPKs for this cycle?! The ultrasound made us somewhat confident that I’d ovualte on schedule, and according to the last one, I should have ovulated on Saturday at the latest. I guess the follies decided to take a little nap for several days…
I am frustrated.
I am frustrated because we only have one vial left. No chance in hell of bio siblings if that one works. (Sometimes I wonder why I worry about bio siblings when we can’t seem to have one child, and question if we’d even put ourselevs through this again if it ever did work.)
I am frustrated that we essetianlly just spent >$1,000 for nothing. It’s different when we time it right and it does not work, but to know there is no chance, makes it so much worse.
I am frustrated that this was my last unmedicated cycle. I have mostly made peace with starting fertility drugs, even though I swore *I would never take them* what the hell did I know? I certainly did not know how hard this would be or how invested I would become in carrying. Or how A. would start to question her desire to carry.
I am impatient and I want a freaking child already. And now I have to wait nearly a month to try again. The next time will be totally new, and will freak my body out in new ways (oh joy!). Some days I just don’t know if I am strong enough to go through this anymore. But I will not quit. TTC has been woven into the fabric of my everyday existence. I don’t even know how to be if I am not TTC. What would I blog about. What would I think about. What would I talk about. I know this sounds pathetic, but it really has become a huge part of how I define myself, and that is not pathetic.
I am so frustrated I want to scream … all day long.
So how am I going to take care of myself? Good question.
Yesterday I took a yoga class at my gym. Usually I just run at the gym. I like it and it makes my body feel good and it helps me sleep. Sometimes it helps to clear my mind, but not always. The yoga class I took really got to me. I’ve done yoga before and it’s always helped me. I realized that I need to do it more. I’ve never needed to do it more than I do right now. I need to do what ever I can to keep my body in balance. I tend to “take care” of myself by going out for a drink with co-workers after a particularly hard day. This is fun, but I think I need to spend more time in the yoga studio, and less time in the bar room. I need to help my body feel better and then maybe I will feel better. My plan is to do at least three yoga classes a week, and still run a couple times. Will someone please hold me accountable?
I did have a positive thing happen today. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I need a referral from my PCP whom I’d never met in order to have the infertility testing done by my MW, whom I am more than well acquainted with. While technically I only had to call to request this, I thought it might be a good time to meet my PCP and to get my headache meds refilled. I switched PCPs a year ago when my insurance changed. The practice I wanted to go to only had a male doctor accepting new patients at the time and well, I’ve never been too keen on having a male doctor, but they told me I could see any doctor there. For some reason I made the appointment with him for today. I was surprised that I LOVED him. He was super chill and very nice. He was genuinely interested in me, gave me the Rx I needed for my head, and was empathetic about my fertility issues. He alluded to the fact that he’d gone through infertility (not sure if was him or his wife). He was supportive of how hard it is and when I asked, he shared that he now has two daughters, one of whom is adopted. He asked a little about our journey and was really and truly interested. I never expected that I’d like him as much as I did. I know it’s wrong to be so judgemental, but I’ve always been more comfortable with female health care providers, and I have my reasons. He is one that I am excited to have as my PCP. It was a nice surprise.
This post is all over the place and ridiculously long. I am off to bed soon, so I can make it to my 6:45am yoga class, aren’t you proud of me?
Seems like I JUST ovulated, more than 48 hours after the last insemination. Sigh…
Edited to ask:
How long AFTER ovulation does fertile mucus usually come out…um…when you are going to the bathroom? I never really pay attention, but what are the chances that it takes a couple days? If it does then there is hope…but my temps have been down, so I am pretty sure we missed it. I am so pissed that we wasted two vials of sperm!
*you’ll have to read till the end to understand this title.
Here goes…
We are in the tww with IUI number three.
As confusing as my fertility signs were this month, I think we timed it well. We met my MW at the hospital around 7:30 last night. She was between births (she had three in all yesterday). She completed the procedure in record time– she is usually really quick, but this was quicker than ever. And then we hung out for a while.
I was nervous about a second IUI based on my bbt because space cadet MW is on call today. As I was expressing this concern to her, I realized I would take my bbt at 6am and she’d be on call till 8am, and since she’d be sleeping there it would not be a big deal for me to come in before 8am. She fully admitted that Space Cadet MW is the least experienced MW when it comes to IUIs. She said to page her if my bbt did not go up.
I had a terrible night sleep. I worried all night because I wanted so much to ovulate overnight and conserve the second vial. I woke at 5am and had to take my temp. It was 97.1, the same as it was yesterday. A. asked what it was and in a half sleep state we decided to skip the second IUI in effort to conserve. There was a fraction of a chance that the swimmers would make it if I ovulated soon…
I semi went back to sleep until my alarm went off at 6am. Then I started to regret the decision. How could I give up on this cycle after everything I’d done to make it work? But more importantly, how could half a$$ my last unmedicated cycle?
I got out of bed and went down stairs. It was dark out. I gazed out the window at the fresh fallen snow (we drove home last night in our first real snow storm!). I felt defeated. I wanted to cry. I did cry. Then I decided if I did not go in for the second IUI I would be miserable for the next two weeks, knowing I had missed ovulation with the first one and gave up on the second one.
I paged my MW. She said come in, but let me know she was trying to make it to a 7:30 spinning class (how does a 50 something woman, who’s been up for the better part of the last 24 hours, and has just delivered three babies go spinning at 7:30am!?). If we left right then we could have the insem and she could make her class.
I brushed my teeth, threw on fleece pants, pulled my hair back and out the door we went…no coffee…oh this was painful!
The whole thing was fast and then we did the usual hanging out for half an hour. But things got interesting as we were getting ready to leave. She left us alone in the exam room. As I was getting dressed I asked A. to look for a pad for me. She rummaged around and finally found one. For some reason, and I really don’t know why, I noticed this thing on the counter and was curious. I picked it up and it looked like a cross between an insemination catheter and a fishing pole. The following was printed on the handle part “Not for use in humans.”
A. and I have spent some time in exam rooms, and we’ve wondered what lots of things are, but this was a whole new level or wonder. Each visit provides tons of blogging material (although I usually forget by the time I get home). And this morning, I mostly joking, remarked that we should start bringing our camera. Then I remembered my cell phone camera. So I present to you the catheter-fishing pole that is not for use in humans. If you know what this is, please enlighten me!
This week sucked! It was possibly one of the worst I’ve had in a very L O N G time. It was kind of like how bad I felt back in September, but that was only two days of sadness. This week my stress went sky high when I got a peak on Sunday, six days early.
I’ve been super distracted at work and generally stressed out about this cycle and needing to decided if we should call it off or not. Beginning to think about fertility testing, a messed up cycle, and the news of a new niece or nephew nearly did me in this week.
But starting with this post, I am letting it all go.
(For now at least.)
A. and I took today off from work and we are still in our Pjs drinking coffee. Last night we decided we’d make a decision in the morning to go ahead this cycle or not based on my temp, and knowing I only wanted to do it if it would be today with my MW and not space cadet MW, who’s on call tomorrow. For the second day in a row my bbt has dropped and I am pretty sure I had a +opk (+ for me) yesterday at 5am. So after r e l a x i n g this morning, I told A. I want to try and she called up the storage facility to let them know we’ll be stopping by to get our sperm this afternoon.
Who knows if it will work, but I am positive about this cycle, for the first time since Sunday. I couldn’t try if I wasn’t positive. So after a sucky week, I get to have MY midwife do the IUI on a FULL MOON.
TWW, here we come, you’ll be a joy ride after this week!
I wrote a long post for today, but I am not sure I am ready, and may never be, to share it. So for now, I am 10 dpo, due for my period in two days, or a test in three.
I’ve got a fraction of hope, but the cramps I’ve been feeling all night are forcing me to get ready to deal with the impending start of cycle #17. Lucky 17? Cycles charting, not trying, just to be clear. But after this amount of time since the journey started, I’ve come to realize charting is work too. And to me, the charting began the journey, so long as I am charting, I am trying……
Home sick.
I woke up not feeling well on Sunday - cold/sinus sick. This morning I didn’t feel great, but went to work. I took my temperature at lunch, and sure enough, I had a fever, so I decided to stay home for the rest of the day. I’m pretty sure I have a sinus infection. Now I am cuddled up with my kitties on the couch. My plans to start my Christmas shopping tonight are foiled and I am starting to worry I won’t get it done in time. Why haven’t I started yet? Ugh.
Hope is fading, all signs point to ——->NOT PREGNANTIUIs that are getting us no where.
I’ve previously been the adoption advocate, but I think of it as a last resort. Once my midwife suggests I stop, and A. has tried, then I would think about going the adoption route. Why? For one, I want to experience the whole journey, even if I am not pregnant, and A. is, at least we’ll be going through it together. Secondly, while AI is expensive, we’ve managed to do it on and off for over a year, so we can afford it, adoption seems too expensive and I just don’t know how we’d come up with that kind of money. And finally, we are legally married in MA, I am not well educated in same sex couple adoptions, but from what I know it seems like most often, one partner adopts as a single woman, and hides the relationship. We can not lie about our marital status, and will therefor have to do it legit. If I have any adoption readers, please, please, please share as much as you are comfortable about your journey. We’re also revisiting the KD idea, we have a friend that we have not asked yet, but think we will soon.
We’re home from Maine. Getting a hotel room made a huge difference and gave us the space we needed (and we had the most comfortable hotel bed ever). A. got to see lots of family and exchanged gifts with them. Ironically, at least one waitress at ever restaurant we ate at this weekend was pregnant- the place we had lunch at today had at least two! I don’t usually get upset when I see pregnant women, but it was happening so much that I felt it was some cruel joke… Next weekend we’ll travel for Christmas, Part Deux, with my family. I have not really even started shopping, but I don’t have much to get. I can’t wait to see our nephew, J. He is 21 months now and is soooo adorable. Ever since our last visit, about a month ago he regularly calls me (with help). I know it ’s a call from him, because I ‘ll either hear him repeating my name over and over or the noise the phone makes when you push the buttons. Today when he called I heard the buttons, so I said “Hi J. what are you doing?” he stopped and his mom reported he looked surprised. Later my mom called and she told me he was mid temper tantrum today, and when he was not getting what he wanted form her or his mother, he started yelling my name! I love him so much, and it just makes me want one of my own all the more.
While I think we are out, we won’t know for four or five more days, and I know anything can happen, but from what my body is telling me, there won’t be a Christmas miracle this year.
We’re coming to you live from our comfy hotel room in Augusta, ME. The ride was long, but we made it in just over four hours. We won’t see A.’s family until tomorrow, but tonight we went out for a drink with A.’s best friend who came to meet us in Augusta.
A zit is popping through on my chin. This is not a good sign.
I have been really good at not being crazy this tww, but I need to have a little artistic expression…..so here’s my top ten list of why this will be the cycle ending in pregnancy:
10. We only have three vials left
9. What better Christmas present to me, A. and our family?
8. The timing was soooooo perfect
7. We did two inseminations
6.We uh…uh… “got in the mood” after the second IUI, if you KWIM (yup we did it at the hospital)!
5. It seems like everyone else is pregnant right now —- have you seen the baby boom on Fertility Friend?
4. We really want it to work
3. Our nephew needs a cousin
2. My due date would be my grandmother’s birthday
1. It’s about FREAKING time!
I hope my daily dpo update is not boring folks.
Today was a learning experience. I attended a workshop to learn how to administer an interest inventory tool. I approach such instruments with caution, and realized today that I’d identified an area I will struggle with if I go into career counseling. Gender pigeon holing people into careers. This instrument I learned about today requires a person to mark male or female and there is a comparison of individuals to the same and opposite gender with a large focus on the same gender. I was happy that another attendee asked the questions ‘how do we use this with glb, but more specifically trans students?’ The instructor’s reply, “good question, there is no research.” I remember that statement was so frustrating to me in grad school when I was studying transgender inclusion in higher education. I looked high and low for scholarly research on what we as administrators needed to be doing to make our campuses safe and friendly to trans students and most of my analysis was, there is no research (this was four years ago, maybe things have changed?).
I know I want to be a career counselor, and I think I will do it well, and I will do my own education to support my trans students, just as I have done in the past. I am just having a hard time thinking about the culture change of colleges I am setting myself up for. I am sure there are cool career counselors out there and I hope I end up working with them.
As for the tww, it’s hard. It’s almost over (or a new beginning is about to start). No signs either way.
Tomorrow we leave for Maine to see A.’s family to celebrate an early Christmas. There a little drama around this, but we are doing what we need.
This must be the day the hope fades.
I noticed a huge change in my optimism today. The IUI honeymoon is over and the torturous wait ensues.
Work was awful today, but I had my hair cut after work and it was very relaxing. I am out of the office for professional development tomorrow—yeah! When will this week be over?
but who’s counting?
It occurred to me that I have not follow up on any job search related stuff in a while, and what better time than the tww to write about it (read: continue to distract myself).
Some of you may have guessed I work in residential life at a college. This is my third year in this position and it is a high burnt out type of job. Some time around October I stared to feel like my shelf life had come to an end. Back in June I made a plan to use the next academic year to ease into a new job. For a long time I’ve been thinking about going into Career Counseling at the college level. I have the education I need, but I don’t have the experience…grrrrrrrr.
When things got really bad this fall, I was again motivated to start laying the ground work. I joined a career development professional organization and started talking to my boss out my plans. She was supportive. I met with the director of the career center at the college I work at to talk about things I should be doing to position myself for the transition. She gave me lots of great advice - since that meeting I’ve enrolled in a workshop to learn to administer an interest inventory tool. She told me I really need to seek an internship so I can gain career counseling experience, but did not know if her office had the resources to offer me such an internship. She did tell me about some local colleges that have internship programs and who to contact. Now my job already requires 45+ hours per week, so the thought of taking release time to do an internship at another college was not very feasible. She called me a week later and told me she presented the idea to her staff and they were in support of taking me as an intern since they knew me. !!!!!! I was so excited.
I met with my boss this week and asked her for the release time - she approved it and I’ll start my internship in January! I am so excited and feel so lucky that they decided to take me and that I can have such an honest discussion about what I need with my boss. She is sad that I am thinking of moving on, but does support me and is being super cool to let me do this. I do need to figure out how to manage my already overbook schedule plus the internship - hey, I survived grad school, so I can survive this!
The other exciting bit of news is that I dropped off my application for a career counselor position today! Fingers, toes, arms, and legs crossed that it works out!
and still sane.
Intuition tells me yes, reality tells me it’s too soon, working a lot distracts me from thinking about it. I found the key to staying sane during the tww- work 10 hour days!
We had a really fun craft day yesterday. Friends came over and we all made different holiday gifts. A. and I are making lots of earring holders— a backless frame with window screen glued on the back, and then we modge podged fancy paper around the front of the frames. I’ll post a photo once I have one all done. So far I have two out of four almost done. I’ve only written one Christmas card, I’ve received two…need to get on that tonight!
Friday we leave for Maine to visit A.’s family and friends. Our holidaze traveling officially begins.
As A. and I were driving to the hospital to have my 2nd IUI of this cycle, I told her, I think I am addicted to this the feeling - the first two to three days after inseminating are the most hopeful time of my cycle, when I think this must be just a fraction of what it’s like to have a healthy pregnancy. It’s too soon to doubt that it worked and hope abounds. She thinks she’s addicted to it too.
When I woke yesterday, my temp had gone down and I could still feel ovulation pain, so I knew I had not yet ovulated but that it would happen in the next 12 hours. We paged the midwife on-call (supposed to by mine, but turned out not to be). She was having a busy day with women in labor so we met her at the hospital, instead of the office. It was our first time to the birthing center at the hospital our midwifery practice delivers at and it was really cool to see it. The midwife we had was great, loved her, she was a good mix of the two we had the day before. The procedure was quick but a little uncomfortable. She worked hard to get the boys as far into my uterus as possible. There really aren’t any funny stories to tell, but I told enough the other day. Oh, one thing, after it was all done the MW said “so I am not going to write this up and bill you because I am sure your insurance does not cover it.” We were blown away, and thanked her profusely. How cool is that? I am sure we’ll pay for the one the day before, so this was really a huge help!
We left and did the usual Saturday running around. We are having friends over to make crafts today and had met two of them at a craft store to purchase our supplies (about 2 hours post IUI), I am pretty sure I can pin point the moment I became aware that my egg had burst from it’s little holding place towards millions of frisky little swimmers. The timing of the second IUI could not have been better, and was still well in the range that the boys from the day before could still be swimming too)!
My ovulation pain ended and my temperature spiked this morning. Mission accomplished. I’ve been psyching myself up to be calm and not go crazy this tww. So far, so good. I have lots of reasons for why this is the one, but I am not going to go there (at least not in print). Right now I am relieved that all the work leading up to ovulation was successful, that I ovulated, and the inseminations were perfectly timed. From here on out, there is nothing I can do but wait. It’s funny to think that by now the boys probably would have tangoed with my egg or not, and yet I won’t know for another 12 days, at least. Isn’t the body and amazing thing?
We’re on our way out to our favorite breakfast spot in a little while, and I am keeping the hope alive for as long as I can this cycle.
I actually said this out loud at my midwife’s office today.
I called in at 8am to let them know I needed to come in for an IUI today based on my fertility monitor reading. We set the appointment for 1:30 with a MW I’d never met (I am learning this is just how it is). A. was not going to go with me, but when I told her I was not sure I’d be able to find the office (I usually go to the satellite location) she decided she better go, but I know she wanted to go all along.
We head there for 1:30 and the only way I could get away from the cooking at my house with my two co-workers was to tell them. That was a little weird, mostly okay and kind of a relief that I can be more open about what’s going on with me. We park the car, trek into the office and plunk down. I was called in and two women, one a nurse, the other the medical assistant begin to get the sperm out of the tank, at which point A. almost insisted she do it because it was clear we had more experience with frozen sperm than the two of them put together. It was a bit of a scene, but nothing of what was to come…
They got it out and then gave it to A. to thaw between her hands. They leave and I undress. The ‘boys’ were pretty well thawed so A. put them under her armpit for warmth and to keep them from the light. We wait, and wait, and wait. At this point I am thinking one of the women were coming back to do it, but they never did. I see the ‘inseminator’ out on the counter and seriously ask A. do they think we’re doing it? So we open the door (curtain is pulled to hide half naked me) A. stands in the doorway, I am freaking out because I’ve read too many books and know sperm should not sit around thawed for too long. One of the original women sees her and asks if anyone has come in yet. No. She informs her someone will be in soon. I am usually a very patient person at medical appointments, but not when my sperm has been thawed…
Space cadet Midwife enters. She asks, “what are you here for?” I inform her that I am here for an IUI and I tell her A. has been thawing the sperm under her armpit for 25 minutes, as if to say let’s cut the small talk and get to it. She says “oh cute, just like a mother hen.” She asks more questions about how I know I am about to ovulate. I tell her I got a +opk last night and a peak on my monitor this morning. Space cadet asks, “what’s a monitor.” I can’t believe I am having this conversation with a MIDWIFE - just get them in me already! I tell her what it is and she continues with pointless questions and makes me sign a release. Now, I don’t want to seem like she wasn’t nice, because she was very nice, you’d want her to be your therapist (not having to deal with details) but not your midwife (if you’ve ever been to the Northampton area you might have an inclination of what type of woman I am talking about)!
She starts to wash her hands, and at this point, I’d seen three different people in one visit and was not sure if she was a midwife, so I asked. She confirmed and continues to wash her hands and walked away from the running water for what seemed like forever! She wanted to look at the sperm on the slides before the insemination - I was not excited about this and am sure I said something to nix that idea and move forward with getting them in me. We spent a fair amount of time talking about the typical position of my cervix - it’s hard to find and that worried her. She indicated that she wanted to put the speculum in before drawing up the specimen to find my cervix (my midwife draws the specimen and then inserts the spec, which I prefer), this is when she tells us she really doesn’t have much experience with performing IUIs, but that MY midwife is the expert. Too bad she was booked today. She says if she can’t do it she’ll call in yet another midwife.
She runs the speculum under the running water remember it was running forever. And in it goes. I think she said something about not using any lube, I’d hope not!!! She has a hard time finding my cervix, she was not hurting me, and I could tell that she was not moving the speculum enough to find it. At one point I say “can you see me now” — sort of a cell phone spoof and she didn’t really get it. She finally found it and started trying. I think she was just really timid, but she was very gentile, and calm — and perhaps a little clumsy. She could not get the catheter into my cervix, not to save her life. In a valiant effort, she had A. open a package of long one ended Q-tips and tried to use only the stick end like chop sticks to guide the catheter in. By now I’ve been laying there with the speculum in me for maybe ten minutes. She started to call on A. for help and realized that was not really an option so she told her to go out and ask for the other MW, we’ll call her the miracle midwife.
Miracle midwife enters, introduces her self and is very professional. Now I don’t know about you, but I like to meet people for the first time with my pants on, and not with a speculum hanging out. Call me crazy. Space cadet explains the challenge and shows her how she tried to guide the catheter in with Q-tips. Miracle midwife dismisses it and says, “Oh that’s like stacking balloons.” She leaves to get another instrument. I had no idea what she was going to get and only hoped it was not the thing I’ve read some of you post about that causes pain during an IUI (clamp on the cervix?). She returns with a long skinny tong like thing, and I still don’t know how it’s going to be used. She sits down, props me up further and eventually ends up on her knees to perform the procedure in less than 20 seconds! Once it was over and I was turned around with my legs in the air, she was more casual, rubbed my head and introduced herself again; I don’t think she remembered she already had with all the chaos she entered into. At that point we are all laughing and that is when I utter “how many women does it take to get me pregnant?” I meant no harm, and luckily they thought it was funny.
When it was over Space cadet and A. left to look at the sperm under a microscope (once I was done laying there I also looked and it was so cool!). When they returned Space cadet informed me that when I get home I should “try to get in the mood.” Then proceeded to set some mood lighting — turned off the overhead light and left on the exam light and counter area light so I could lie there for 30 minutes. I was so ready to be out of there, but waited for 25 minutes. When we left we noticed a note on the door that we’d be in there till 3:15, remember this was a 1:30 appointment…and I think she thought we were “getting in the mood” which I just couldn’t do there.
It’s a good thing A. and I are relaxed people and went along with the whole thing. I am so very glad that my first IUI was with MY midwife at the other, less medical office. If this had been my first I think I’d be terrified. I realize this post it not super supportive of midwives and that was not my intention. I hope I will get pregnant with out (any further) medical intervention and really appreciate the midwifery philosophy, but this was more like a day at the circus than an office visit.
The good news is that our timing was once again perfect. My cervix was wide open and there was plenty of fertile mucus. If my temp does not spike in the morning we’ll go for another one tomorrow and luckily my midwife is on call tomorrow!
And as for the TWW, I’m going to try not to let it get me. I always feel great just after inseminating and so very hopeful. I want to hold onto that and just enjoy this time.
There was a little egg at the top of my fertility monitor this morning. Ovulation pain has been minimal this cycle and my temp stayed flat with yesterday….hmmmm….need to call my MW now and see what time I should come in, and think up a real good reason why I am abandoning my two office-mates while they cook in my house today.
TWW, here I come.
I feel like I’ve bee crazy for the last two weeks.
When I started spotting yesterday, and my temperature took a nose dive this morning, I started to feel like myself, and that my brain was possessed for the last two weeks. Seriously. I felt totally irrational, and not at all like myself. As soon as I saw the slightest of blood, I was thrown from that alter reality where pregnancy is possible to my real life.
I am confused because I am much happier in my rational, normal state, (a good thing) yet it means there will be no August baby. I guess I should be glad that I am not devestated and that returning to feeling normal is enough of a comfort that I am somewhat okay with the start of a new cycle.
At the end of each tww (I’ve had four now), I feel refreshed. In a previous post I stated that the tww exhausts me. And I think knowing it’s over helps release all the anxiety I induce on myself. I need to figure out a way to not be such a freak during that time. I seem to have this epiphany at the end of each tww, kind of like how some people make resolutions for New Year’s Day, and never keep them, and make the same resolutions the next year. That’s the best I can describe it. I welcome any techniques you’ve used to maintain a calm, rational mind whilewaiting.
We originally decided we’d try every other month to reduce the stress on my body, but I really want to try in December, and take January off if we need to.
On the bright side, I will be able to drink wine on Thanksgiving, and I know it’s the only thing that will get me through hosting my first holiday!
To those of you traveling, I wish you safe and stress free journeys!
I think the TWW makes me certifiable.
Why is it that I can only think about being pregnant? I am on blogs and fertility friend all the freaking time. I got paged and was working till 3am this morning, when I was done tying up admin details (sending emails to people that need the info from what I’d dealt with) I quickly jumped on a few blogs…it was 3am, I should have been in bed. I didn’t do it for long, but still!
I’ve convinced myself that I am pregnant, even though there is no proof yet. My sore breasts, and rising temp, give me license to do so. I think I always do this. At the very end of the TWW, I look for anything that points to preggo, and I cling to it, because it won’t be too long before there is not no more wondering, no more possibility…will it happen this month? I took a test (-) this morning at 3. If I am getting my period, I should get it by Wednesday. If I don’t, I am taking another test on Turkey Day. I am not sure how I’m planning on hosting, for the first time, and abstaining from wine! I want to know, either way, by Thanksgiving. And I am aware, that I may not, in which case, I guess I’ll be downing the apple cider and seltzer (not together).
The TWW really makes me exhausted.
Edited to add one more!
The two week wait is hard, but it’s been a little easier with the company of fellow blogger friends: Vee & Jay, Co & Lo, Gretch & Jen and Grrlscout & Rabbit. We’re almost there!
Today marks five days past ovulation, with an 11 day luteal phase, I am about half way to knowing if I am knocked up or if it’s on to another cycle.
I have no PMS signs, nor any pregnancy signs. When I am approaching a period, it’s natural for me to start having dull cramps and sore breasts from this point on. I go back and fourth about how I feel about this cycle. The first three days I was sure this was the one. Yesterday I was convinced it did not work, and today I am back to cautious optimism. I can’t, I won’t let myself get too excited. I always safeguard by telling myself it did not work, and then one day when it does, well that will be an amazing day!
Time goes so slooooooow when waiting for the two week wait to pass. We’re lucky this time that we’ve been busy trying to buy a condo and planning our Thanksgiving feast. What will we do if there is a next time?
But seriously we did sit down last night to plan our Thanksgiving dinner. We’re having both of our parents, A.’s siblings, our international host student (from Nepal), my best friend, and a co-worker - eleven at last count….and I’m sure we’ll take any other stragglers we come in contact with between now and next Thursday! This is the first time we’ve ever hosted a holiday dinner and that makes it a little scary, but at the same time everyone should understand that this is our first time, so it’s okay if we mess up, right? Hey worst (best) case scenario, we serve up a positive hpt and go out to dinner! But seriously, here’s what we’ve planned:
Turkey, with gravy, cranberry sauce, and suasgae herbed stuffing
Amy’s butternut squash surprise (aka - I have no idea what she’s making)
Marinated asparagus
Bread with roasted garlic bulbs and garlic butter
Garlic herbed mashed potatoes
Boiled onions (this is for my crazy mother)
Maple Nut Hubbard squash
Pumpkin pie and Apple Cobbler
We’re making everything from scratch and mostly using vegetables from our farm share (except the turkey, that is coming precooked from our local farm stand- turkeys are too gross for either A. or I to touch, let alone cook). We may have taken on too much, but hey it’s worth a try. I don’t usually cook - as in never, I bake, and I believe in doing it all from scratch, so that has spilled over into our menu. I am not sure how to manage cooking all these things, simultaneously and getting them on the table for 3pm. But again, as a beginner, they should be patient with me. And if I am not prego, there will be a good deal of wine involved, which will make it soooo much easier!
It should be fun, well at least entertaining. And the next day I have to get in the car and drive three hours to my high school reunion…that is a whole other post for another day.
What are you doing for thanksgiving?
I am back from my IUI. My mid wife said our timing was perfect, my cervix was wide open with plenty of fertile mucus. The procedure was not too bad, I did feel a little cramping when she got the syringe into my uterus. Once it was in place she had A. push the swimmers in. We all hung out for half and hour while I kept my legs up the in air. We’re not going to do the second insemination because she said the timing was so perfect that it would be unnecessary.
We are officially in the two week wait….
The last three days have been amazing.
We left on Saturday to go to the Cape for our first sperm date. We got there and went out for dinner with my parents and our nephew. And then it was on to baby making.
We’d planned to use the house my grandparents lived in before passing away- also the house my brother and SIL are getting ready to buy and move into. This is to say, there was minimal furniture available. But there was a couch and a bed. KD came over at 8 o’clock pm sharp as planned. We all talked for a little while- we were all so excited and a little nervous. During this time I asked him when his birthday is. He replied Feb. 17th. My heart melted. That was my grandfather’s birthday, the grandfather who lived in the house we were in. And he was an amazing Grampy. So 2/17 is a date that I am very fond of.
Once we’d talked for a little while he went to do his thing while A. and I waited out side. It was a crisp and clear night, an unusually warm night for January in New England. As we waited our anticipation grew along with out excitement. This was finally happening! I gazed at the stars and swear I could see each and everyone. As I did so, I thought, seeing a shooting star could only be a positive sign. And then I saw it! The most amazing and furthest shooting star I’ve ever seen. I knew then all things in the universe were okay, and because I believe in signs, I took it as a hug from my Grampy. I pictured him shining down on me and wishing us all the success in the world.
It didn’t take KD too long. He left the cup wrapped in a towel, hugged us and wished us well. My nest was all made and it was time. We did the insemination. We couldn’t believe how much more sperm we had as compared to when we used frozen sperm. We filled the syringe five times! I can’t find words to describe how excited and thankful I was to hold that cup of fresh sperm. It made me feel more hopeful and I had a sense that this really could happen. A. later told me she felt the same. We went to bed shortly after the insem.
Now at this point we thought I would ovulate on Sunday- Monday at the LATEST (+OPK was on Friday night). So we tentatively made a plan for insem #2 on Sunday. Due to terrible sleep Saturday night, my temp was useless and we decided to go ahead with the second insem. He came over again Sunday and we pretty much did the same thing. We’d only planned to do two insems per cycle, but he offered a third for Monday if we thought we needed it. To our surprise I did not ovulate Monday either. Given that I hadn’t ovulated and we are sperm crazed, we took him up on the third insem. Then we left for home Monday night. My temp took a huge dip this morning, indicating I ovulated today. We feel great about our timing. We continue to love our KD more and more. He really is amazing. I told him we felt like we’ve hit the lottery with him as our KD and he said me too.
A. and I are practicing positive thinking and sending fertile vibes to my uterus. So while I am trying to be positive, I am trying to fight off the this won’t work thoughts that are inevitable. I also don’t want to get too excited. This is our third cycle TTC and first with fresh sperm. My midwife told me before we started she thought it should take me 3-6 cycles. So here’s hope third times a charm.
We are officially in the two week wait, which I lovingly refer to as hell.
The second insem went fine. We had a hard time staying awake till midnight but we managed. I was all propped up in the bed and was amazed to wake up at 3am in the same position! I had a hell of a time getting out of bed to go to the bathroom and then nearly tripped on all the pillows when I came back. But I am glad I apparently was laying elevated for three hours. I did not get a spike in my temp this morning, but I am about 100% sure I have ovulated at this point so there is a super good chance that there was some sperm waiting for my shy little eggy when it finally burst.
So now we wait. I don’t really have much to distract me in the next couple of weeks. Work is kind of busy, so hopefully that will help me from thinking about it too much. And my mom and SIL are coming to visit in a week. We’ve even got a babysitter for my nephew so we can go out to our favorite martini bar. I made all these arraignments before I realized I’d be in the TWW! Ugh…By the time they get here I will know if my period is coming from how my body feels so no worries and if I had to I would gladly skip a night at the martini bar if it means I was prego.
My Christmas shopping is almost over. I am not really into the gifts this year. I am excited for Christmas and to see family and to spend it with my nephew- we haven’t had a kid around at a holiday in a while, but the gifts are just annoying me. Thankfully we all agreed to scale back on the buying this year.
In the next month we will travel to Maine to see A.’s family and celebrate an early Christmas and three birthdays. Just before Christmas we’ll head east to my parent’s for Christmas. I love Christmas at my parents house (usually). My mom is a Christmas freak…she loves it. Well she did until two years ago when her father, whom she was VERY close to suddenly passed away five days before Christmas, we buried him on the 23rd. It sucked- it still does. Needless to say last year was rough and she was not into it, but tried to be, and really just made us all insane. We had one of our worst fights ever and it was our first fight since I was in high school. I think she has dealt with her grief a little more now and while it will always be a hard time of year for her I think she is getting back into it. And why not, now she has a grandson! She’s also hosting a Christmas party for the neighborhood children, another sign she is getting her spirit back. Where was I going with this? Well, just that I really like Christmas at my parents. I enjoy seeing family and it is the only time of year I see my crazy uncle from WA state. We drink a lot, eat a lot, and generally have fun. A. and I also usually go to a candle light Christmas Eve service at the UU church we were married in (the town over from my parent’s house). Being able to attend that service is really special to both of us- we wish we could transplant that UU to where we live! The minister is amazing and even though we only go there about three times a year, it feels more like our church than the one we quasi attend where we live. We’ve talked about having our children dedicated there when the time comes.
I also like this time of year because working at a college, we often get a bonus week off between Christmas and New Years. The college shuts down to conserve energy and we get an extra week off. Now if only they’d finance a Caribbean vacation!
A. and I both ran home for an extended “lunch” today. It was a lot easier this time around. Last time we were so stressed out!
This cycle we used preseed, something I’ve heard rave reviews about. We took turns thawing the swimmers. It was all over as soon as it began. Then we started waiting. I was laying with my feet up trying to knit– a work out for my arms. And then one of our cats wanted to play. She kept fetching her mouse and dropping it by my head. It was too cute. Then she cuddled up next to me on one of the pillows.
I was only able to lay down for a little over an hour this time because I needed to get back to work, but I am sure that was okay. I can’t imagine how people do this when they don’t have flexibility at work. I feel really lucky that I have the autonomy to come and go as I need to. Round two will be at midnight…
Last night A. and I left work on time to pick up our veggies at our CSA (community supported agriculture) and then ran to the market to pick up some eggs. When we got home A. prepared a very healthy dinner and after cleaning up we prepared for insemination.
I’m not much of a t.v. person, but I also don’t sit still well for too long, and was preparing to be on my back with my legs up for two hours….so we decided the living room with the t.v. was a good place to do the insem. We locked the cats in our bed room, I got the egg whites ready, and helped A. figure out how to open the tank. We were both a little scared of it. But it was really kind of cool when I pulled the thing out that held the vials and condensation immediately filled the air. A. got to work thawing the sperm and I got “comfortable” on the couch (that’s an oximoron in this scenario).
By 7:30 we were ready. A. inserted some egg whites, and then came the sperm. Relax she tells me. Like that’s possible…but I took a few deep breathes and she got it in there. It was all over very fast. I am sure my egg is coming from my left ovary, so I tilted to my left first, while my but and legs were propped up against the wall. Then I turned to my right, then to my tummy and finally just on my back. We watched reruns of Friends and then Sex in the City. I had to run to the bathroom after about and hour and a half, but then went back to legs up. Around 10:00 we headed to bed. And I slept better than I have ever slept! I think I was so relieved that we did it and there were no major disasters. I realize now how emotionally drained I have been leading up to this.
We did the second one at 6:30 this morning. Afterwards, I did the rotations and then I put my leg up and got “comfortable” while watching a movie before heading to work at 9:00.
I have been in a really good mood all day. Of course I want it to work, but I am also relieved that we’ve started and now we know what to expect. I have a tendency of convincing myself things won’t work in an effort not to be let down (odd because I do have a very optimistic outlook on things in general). And I am doing it now. I am frustrated because my chart sucked this cycle, but we went with my body signals and I am hopeful that my intuition was on.
We’re not sure yet if we’ll test or wait for a missed period. These next two weeks will be rough, but I am reveling in the fact that I could be pregnant. And a little freaked out that I have sperm in me. It’s really weird.
Recent Comments