Category Archive

Its been one year since the IUI that worked! What an amazing year!

It’s hard to believe A and I have already had “when will we start ttcing for #2 discussion” but we have.

There is a part of me that is still wounded from ttc. I want nothing more than to give Mr. E a sibling, but I am also being very protective of myself. I’ve caught myself living everyday as if it’s the only time I’ll experience whatever stage he’s at. During our quiet moments, when I am talking to him, I tell him how much we love him, how hard we tried to get him, how much we want to give him a sibling, but that if it’s not meant to be, we will be forever blessed by him.

My anxiety about ttc #2 is compounded by our move. I love my midwife, doula, and hospital. I am trying to wrap my brain around how this will work in a new location. As it is, when we move, our sperm will stay behind in storage, because we don’t know a place to store it closer to where we’re moving.

I hope more than anything that I will experience childbirth (at least) once again (and I may even try to enjoy the pregnancy…). So in about a year’s time, if all is well settling into our new home, we’ll be back in the game.

This weekend was sucktackular!

No blood yet, plenty of PMS signs. Saturday and Sunday were spent balling my eyes out. Not sure how I became so emotional, but every little thing made me cry. Just when I thought I’d gotten myself together, I’d start again. The most puzzling episode was when I cried after breaking a mug. It was an accident, and also was my favorite pottery mug, but not crying worthy. I was so sick of myself and my home that I ended up leaving Sunday to hang out with a friend. That made all the difference in the World. Four hours passed with out any crying and when I got home A. and I were able to talk about how the weekend had gone horribly wrong. And, I’ve stopped crying. Which is a really good thing, I was worried that I wouldn’t be able to make it to work today if it continued. For now we wait. Usually A. takes me out for dinner when the blood shows, but this time I’ve asked her to take me out for martinis at my favorite martini bar. I may even have two, one as my main course and the next as my dessert!

Yesterday I felt crampy, period crampy. Usually in the days before my period, I get dull cramps in the wee hours of the morning. Today, the same cramps palgued me around five am. So much so that I could have taken ibuprofen, if only I weren’t so lazy and didn’t want to get out of bed.

Instead, I lay there, knowing I am not pregnant. Sad. Tired. Really so tired, not because it was 5am (I went to bed at 9:30), tired of this. Tired of all the emotional work. The start of my cycles, the drugs, temping, the ultra sounds, the opks, the monitor, the phone calls to the midwives, the iuis. Tired of thinking it could work, tired of spending two weeks waiting for the news I so desperately want, tired of never getting that news. Tired of crying.

I am so tired of having so many people involved in this process. They are all great, but I am not sure I have articulated the added stress. I hate to inconvenience people, and that’s what I do every month. I need to be fitted in, when I need it. Not because I am a bitch, but because ovulation has its own schedule. I am sick of fighting with the receptionists at the MWs office, me insisting I need to speak to a MW today. I am tired of buying sperm. $7,000 and counting. SEVEN THOUSAND! And that does not include, all the sticks: monitor, opk, and pregnancy tests. Nor the monthly storage fees. And you know what, seven thousand dollars is nothing compared to what we’ve paid emotionally. I bet we’re into the millions now.

I know it isn’t over till I bleed, but I am not a fool, I know my body. I know all too well which days leading up to bleeding I: break out, start cramping, and have sore breasts. How couldn’t I, I’ve been charting for eons. And then there’s that holiday tomorrow. A holiday I’ve never really cared about. Always recognized my mother, but kind of thought it was a weird holiday, so why am I so sad that it’s passing? Yet another holiday that makes me sad. Just like the previous two Christmases. It’s the passing of time, these holidays are like anniversaries that remind me I am still not pregnant. And I had really hoped for the ultimate mother’s day gift this year.

I may need a break. I don’t want to take a break. Breaks are part of why this is taking so effing long. I will try again next cycle since it’s the third cycle post HSG and thus my last extra fertile cycle, not that that’s made any difference so far. Then I may need to take the summer off.

Yesterday, at 7dpo, I had possible-maybe blood appear in the toilet. I had cramping. And a zit broke through.

The angel on my shoulder says, the blood and cramping are sure signs of implantation. The devil on the other shoulder, mocks me, are you nuts, you’re not pregnant. No way. And this here zit arrived on cue to let you know that your not.

So we wait. Test day is Tuesday. I do feel a lot more bloated this cycle than I’ve been before. But I know not to read into anything, because my mind can convince me anything is a sign of pregnancy while in the tww.

There is nothing like taking your temp the morning after an iui and seeing a spike. Nothing. Absolutely nothing! (Let’s not talk about the monitor peaking this morning, I hate that thing, ever since clomid, opks are way more reliable!) My work is done for this cycle, now I have to leave it into the hands of a higher power. So glad to sit back and relax, the days leading up to ovulation are so stressful.

I have this friend who I met about three years ago. We remained more acquaintance-like for the first year we knew each other and then all of a sudden became very connected on some weird spiritual level. I can’t really explain our friendship, but we equally nourish each other and have had some freaky connections. He’s truly a very special person and our connection is unexplainable.

Last night I dreamt of him. He came into the dinning hall where I was eating lunch, wearing an outfit that he wore when I last saw him in February. I was not expecting him, and was overjoyed to see him. We hugged for a long time and given our height difference and the tenderness of the hug, he lifted me off the ground. I felt so totally embraced, and so loved, and so happy all at the same time. As we started chatting he told me his sister in law had her baby.

Now, I am not a person to remember my dreams and this one connected me to him in a way that made me feel I needed to call him today. I rang him and told him of my dream. He replied how interesting my dream was because he’d conducted a whole dream ritual last night, drank teas and burnt herbs and fell into a deep deep slumber and was able to wake and write about the experience. He also confirmed that his sil had her baby two weeks ago.

I can’t help but hope that my dream connection to him is all part of the magic that will result in pregnancy this cycle. I’ve really taken a whole new approach this time around and I’ve done a lot of self care and also feel like I may be ready to actually get pregnant, where as before, it scared the hell out of me (and I am sure it will again). I’ve tried to put myself out to the universe, to accept the love, support, and help of all those rooting for us, to let go of trying to control it, and above all else, just be.

I’ve never had more hope than I do right now. I’ve never felt so at peace with a cycle as I do this one. From the time I told this friend that I was ttc, he’s always said, “relax and send the vibe that your body is a safe place and is ready to grown and nurture life.” We’ll I’m finally there and he was with me in my dreams.

T minus 2 hours until the iui, so I am relaxing, sipping a glass of red wine, and above all staying zen.

CD 16, 5am - I wake up, an hour early, and know that I should take my temp now even though it’s early because moving around will give a false reading. After several attempts to see if I really turned it on, I get my reading, 97.1 (f). A wave of relief washes over me, I have not spiked yet. As I make my way to the bathroom to poas for the monitor, I feel giddy, I always get that “christmas morning” feeling when I think my monitor will peak. I even wait with it for the full five minutes instead of bringing it back to bed with me. All for what? A “high” reading, so I open an opk (I’ve learned to always pee in a cup and never toss it till you are done dipping sticks). I waited for the opk results. Almost, positive, like the two yesterday.

I crawled back into bed. A. asks, “did you peak.” And I give her the bad news. Five minutes later she asks, “do you still want me to go get the sperm?” I reply, “I don’t know.” I think we have the same middle of the night conversation every cycle. She decides she’ll go with her plan and get up at 7 to call the lab then go get it. (A has taken sperm fetching on as her job through this process.)

I overslept and rushed out of bed to jump in the shower. My life revolves around four hour increments this time of my cycle and I realized I could take and other opk at 9am…if I can wait that long! I made it through my shower and then figured it would be fine to test at 8:15 instead of 9. Holy effing +opk! Relieved to have tested again so I had some real news to give my MW when I phone in at 8:30. We made a plan that I will have her paged at 4:30 and we’ll make a plan for time and place for the iui. Of course, this is the one night I was supposed to work this week…but what can ya do?

So, the monitor did not peak, my temp went down… last clomid cycle looked the same, so I except a +opk tonight and a peak in the morning with ovulation sometime tomorrow (I am convinced my LH surge comes within 12 hours of ovulation, I am a freak of nature). My MW is on call tomorrow, so she’ll do the IUI if it’s tomorrow, which is so great. But I am not getting too excited yet.

Also…our lady from DSS called to set up our initial safety inspection! She’s coming next Monday!!!! Oh my Goddess! Good thing we just got our carbon monoxide detectors installed last week! Those that have been through this, please tell us what to expect. It’s just the first home inspection, but i have no idea what she’s looking for.

All of a sudden I feel crazy for ttc and pursuing adoption, but I know it’s the best thing for us right now.

Edited to Add:
I POAS just now and a second line is showing up…the surge is on the way!!!!

I went back to for a cd14 ultrasound today. I only have one good follie and it measured in at 2.6cm (what happened to the other two?). It could pop any time, or it could grow another cm, like last time! And since my opks and fertility monitor have yet to detect my LH surge, I’d say that little eggie is hanging in for little while longer. I guess my body just refuses to ovulate before cd16. So we wait. I just spoke with my MW and she’s betting I’ll get a peak on the monitor tomorrow morning. I want the tww, I hate the stress leading up to a perfectly timed IUI!

A. and I spent this morning with Wander Woman. Today her magic wand found more than a handful of follicles and three that are on there way to maturing- all of which are on the right side. On CD11 they are: 1.94, 1.89, & 2.04 cms. Wander Woman checked the right side first and then as she moved over to the left she said: “let’s see what’s on the left, hopefully for you, nothing.” We all laughed. There were a few wanna be follies, but they probably won’t make it. This is early for me to have follies so close to maturing and I may get three!? Given their size, I’d bet the IUI will be Monday. It seems as if the Clomid is doing its job. And doing it better than last time. Holy Fucking Shit!

I am leaving in a few hours to spend the weekend here celebrating my Dad’s birthday with my family. So you can imagine my heartache when she spotted the 2.04 cm follie! But she assured me, I should be fine to go away for the weekend with an average growth rate of .2cms per day, I’ve got a couple days before they burst.

Time for us to feel on edge as my follicles spend the next five or so days plumping. A. and I are doing an amazing job at be excited and happy and sending every morsel of positive energy into this next try.

But we can only control ourselves (or try to). All the other people that are “helping” us, well we have no control over the anxiety they induce. Case in point, a phone conversation I had today, ring, ring:

“Hello, Ernie?”

“No. E—.”

“This is the lab calling, do we have a rec for the specimen that was just delivered?”

“I’m sorry, a what?”

“A rec. You know, a reacquisition from your midwife.”

“No. I don’t know. Did you ask me to have that faxed to you?”

“Well…we thought we had one on file, but it’s from last year so, we need another one. And we need it before we can unpack your vials.”

WTF?! Was there really any reason she had to make me feel like it was my fault that they did not tell me they needed this, or better yet when we called to register the delivery, that they didn’t take the time to check and see if we needed to update our paper work. And did she have to add the part about not unpacking the vials till the paper work arrived? Needless to say, this sent me into a tizzy. I was lucky to get the nice office manager at the MWs, she knew what I needed and had the fax number. She is my saving grace every time. I think she spends half her time faxing paper work to hospitals and labs- just for me!

Edited to add: ovulation pains began today…right on schedule!

E: Hun, if we ever get pregnant I want to call the fetus Beetlejuice.

A: What!? NOOOOOO! You can never refer to our unborn child by that name. It was a disgusting person in a movie.

E: Yeah, but I want to link it to the babyjuice term that I often use.

A: No.

E: Ok, how about Bugjuice?

A: No. That’s like bug throw up or splattered bug guts.

E: Nah, actually I was thinking more like the green Hi-C I used to drink as a kid. We called it bugjuice.

A: No. Plus I don’t want semen to be the thing that qualifies our living growing fetus.

E: So what do you suggest?

A: This is the problem. We don’t have a fetus. We don’t even know if we have an egg. So let’s just hold off.

***

A clues in that I am posting and exclaims “Oh God” and makes a reference to Trista’s recent post, which she connected with about being pregnant with a boy, and the psychological mind fucks we play on ourselves…

E: So you really don’t want to play this game with me?

A: What game?

E: The name game.

A: The name of a FETUS THAT WE HAVE NOT YET CONCEIVED, is that what you are asking me? Oh God.

***

I guess I have to wait until I get pregnant before we can continue this conversation…

Today is day four of Clomid, and I’ve had NO side effects. None.

Last cycle on Clomid I was a mess and felt so sick. The difference is so drastic that I am beginning to wonder if they gave me the correct pills. My sceptical side won’t feel reassured until my first ultra sound this Friday.

A. placed our babyjuice order yesterday so our new swimmers will arrived here Thursday in time for insem(s) next Tuesday/Wednesday.

As we gear up for try number 8 (charting cycle number 21) we find ourselves in the hopeful moments. Last night A. said to me, It’s going to work this time. And so started the conversation, yes it could work, but… This led us to talk about the  cycle days that we like (we know how to have fun on a Friday night!). We agreed insemination day(s) are our favorite days when excitement and hope surrounds us. Two dpo is also a fun day, but by 4 dpo we are usually losing hope and find our selves strung out trying to make the tww pass. A. also likes cd 4-6, where there’s no work (I think she forgot about Clomid). She said it’s nice at the start when I don’t temp and don’t poas ten times a day (okay, more like one to four times in a day, depending on how close I am to ovulation). I get what she meant, so I’d say I like all of cd 4 and most of cd 5, but as soon as the drugs go into me on cd 5 night, I long for cd 11 when they are flushed from my system and I return to a normal sane human being. It’s a miracle that we are as happy as we are given we generally enjoy about five days of my cycle every month…

CD 1 arrived sooner than I thought so I am back in the stirrup queen game. I am excited to get started again and my early CD1 will push ovulation up just enough so I won’t be on-call for my IUI (it’s always a pain to get a co-worker to cover me when I go in, almost always on weekends).

This cycle’s medical protocol has yet to be determined but I am not starting injectables as I had thought about. After speaking with my MW today I realized my choice to start injectables means leaving her and moving to an RE. No way am I ready for that. She said they just don’t have the facility to do the intense monitoring, but in some cases women working with REs will still go to the MWs for IUIs (if I get there that will be me!).

I asked her about Femara and she said she wanted to consult with the gyno that did my HSG. (p.s. She said the gyno told her I had a small uterus after the HSG, what’s this mean? I am going to ask her when she calls back.) She sounded optimistic about Femara and I think she’s willing to prescribe. After doing more of my own research, I am even more interested in Femara over Clomid. Aside from the reduced short term side effects, there are no known risks of cancer which is a huge concern with Clomid. It seems like a win win situation.

Let the fun begin- pill popping, visits with Wander Woman (CDs 11,13,15 ultrasounds), and your guess is as good as mine which MW will be on-call for the IUI. Please join me in hoping this is the cycle!

Tell me what you know…

I am calling my MW this week to find out what my diagnosis is. It seems as if I am unexplained since all the effing IF testing came back fine. We need to start thinking about meds for the next cycle. I do not want to do Clomid again, but will if she won’t prescribe anything else. I’ve heard Femara is good and the side effects are not as bad as Clomid. But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I am really considering injectables. Lo and Co’s story is enough to make anyone want to move on to them! But before I go there, I want to know what to expect. So please do spill. Cost? Side Effects? How often do you inject? Where do you inject? Anything else?

Last week one of my FF friends offered to sell us one vial she and her partner had left in storage. They don’t need the vial because they are about to have twins! A. and I looked at their donor on-line (they use the same bank as us). He seemed very funny and his personality sounded an awful lot like A. We both laughed at his reply to why he became a sperm donor:

I first came in to pick up some supplemental income, but was convinced of what a valuable service it was for people ready and capable of having children who couldn’t physically do so. Which is a good thing, because I found out it’s not a great way to make a lot of money.

Thanks to Chris we didn’t have to spend any time at all laboring over the donor catalog and we know this guy works! So we’re onto our fourth sperm donor and will try for our eighth cycle soon (21st charting cycle).

In other it’s a small world news, my cousin found me on FF today! I am so excited for them to be starting.

And totally unrelated - it’s SNOWING here, with the eff?

p.s. Photo Friday picture is up, just didn’t do a post for it. Yah, I’m lazy this weekend, so what?

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. This I knew from a very young age. I also always wanted to be the opposite of my mother, in that I wanted a career. I wanted to wear nice clothes and go to an office everyday. My mother worked from home, and did it so she could be at home with us.

I went to college, searched for a career, and found myself in grad school. I was passionate about what I was studying and became deeply invested. My teachers were some of the very greatest as were my classmates. We were pushed to reach the best we could and my desire for a real career intensified. I still knew I wanted kids, but they were second to my career, and A. spoke of wanting to stay home. That sounded perfect to me, I could have my career and my family. I never gave one thought to staying home. I thought it was a sign of weakness. Why after working so hard would I give it all up just to stay home? I quivered at the idea of a blank period of time on my resume.

After grad school I did a national job search, and A. was willing to go almost anywhere I got a job. We moved to Western MA and once I did start my job I had little time for us. After just two weeks on the job, I went into a six week period of working close to, if not more than 60 hours a week. I don’t think A. knew what she’d signed on for, but she never complained. Each year it’s gotten a little easier, but there is no escaping the busy times when I work till 11:30.

A. believes strongly in each person having “three corners” to balance out their whole being. The corners represent family, self, and work (or something like that). Perhaps this is why she never took issue with me investing ridiculous amounts of time into my studies and later into my work. I step back now and see that I have not invested equally in all areas, and I would say the career corner gets the most of my attention. But I see that changing.

As our journey towards motherhood has begun yet another lap, I am questioning my career goals. Grad school was easy for me. I always heard horror stories about how hard it is. Sure, I was challenged and worked very hard, but they were the two best years of my life, I had so much fun and grew more as a person than I ever had. Likewise, I am good at my job, and am easily successful. So it’s no wonder working satisfies me. It’s something I can control and do well. Trying to get pregnant, well I’ve failed at that. My determined self wouldn’t give up, and kept getting back up to bat, as if I were somehow addicted to the thrill of trying, playing the odds that it may work.

Each cycle that I lost the pregnancy game, I became more and more wedded to mothering, as my work. After trying so hard for so long, and giving so much of myself: emotionally, physically, spiritually, how could I hand my child to a day care provider? I began to understand the meaning of mothering in a way I never had. I’m sure it helped that I witnessed my SIL as a SAHM and the many ways my nephew benefited from this.

As you may imagine my shift from professional career woman, to wanna be stay at home mom was very confusing. I have (had) many strategic plans for my career. My current position would last three to four years, then I’d be ready to move on, this year in addition to working fulltime I’ve been working an internship to position myself for my next move. I have a plan, but now I want to throw the plan out the window.

And then there’s the conference I just returned from. Nothing makes me want my career more than spending five days with 10,000 of my colleagues. How can that not invigorate me? Many of who had their families in tow…I think, see it can be done. I met a woman in a career-mapping workshop and connected immediately. We were both in places of taking the next year to ready ourselves for our next step. Then she tells me she recently found out she’s pregnant, and was upset. You see, she’d tried for a really looooong time, with no success. When it was not working she gave up the idea and redirected her energy to make strategic career plans. Now she’s caught in a place where she can’t decide what she wants, her career or to stay at home.

As difficult as the last 2 ½ years have been, and with all the ups and downs, I can honestly say I am happy that I have not gotten pregnant. I’ve had some amazing twenty-something experiences during this time that I would not trade, could not have had with a child. The time and trials afforded me the chance to really work out what I want from the mothering experience. I am not quite there, but at least know I want to shift my focus, even if just a tad, more on family and less on work. And for the record, I loved that my mom was at home with us. She has an amazingly successful career now, and rarely has time to hang out with us when we go to visit. I know that as a kid, I would not have been able to understand why she’d choose that over me.

I realize I have not addressed the financial side of staying home. I will in a later post. I dream about staying home, but am not sure that it’s even with in our reach. For now, I am enjoying the fantasy, but I think it’s important to address the reality, and the privilege.

Having the time of my life with my two oldest and best friends. The beach is great, although cold today. If you’re a Flickr Friend, you can see some photos. Not enough time to write a proper post, but missing writing and reading blogs.

While we’re waiting to meet you I thought I’d tell you a little bit about who we are and everything we’re going through to get you. We are Mom A and Mom E (sure to change when you get here and make up names for us). We so desperately want to be your moms. We met more than six years ago and quickly fell in love. We were so excited to have a family that even before we were ready, we started reading up on and informing ourselves about achieving motherhood. I think we bought our first book in December 2003.

We decided I would try first because I am older and I really wanted to experience pregnancy. We started a journal that Mom A and I would write in. The idea being that we’d give it to you some day, a way of helping to fill in the blanks of where you came from. Our entries were of excitement and anticipation.

I won’t bore you with all the details, but you should know that we started this journey in the Fall of 2004, and since that time we’ve tried seven times. We’ve had three known donors (only tried with one), used two anonymous frozen sperm donors, experienced long breaks as a result of anovulatory cycles, moved from trying at home to trying at our Midwife’s office, started using fertility medication to help my egg quality, and I am currently undergoing infertility testing.

We’ve waffled between frozen and known donors since the start. We think it’s important for you to know where you came from. We’ve pushed our comfort levels while negotiating with kds, while holding your best interest in our hearts (and hopefully our heads too). We’ve decided, for now, anonymous identity release sperm (you get to look up your donor at age 1 is our best option. Although, your Grandmother S. is constantly scouting out sperm donors, her latest one is “a nice, young gay man” who may be joining her counseling practice. You’ll meet her some day and come to know that she is nuts, and possibly the most caring person on this Earth.

Our journey has been long, trying, and painful. Mom A and I are starting to run out of plans. We want you so desperately. I’ve never wanted anything more than to be a mom. I’ve known this from a very young age. I have no idea why it’s become so difficult. Mom A tells me she started praying. I’ve grown even more resentful of prayer, as this journey has dragged on. I feel like no one up there is listening to me.

We will move mountains to get to you. We WILL. But please don’t make us. Please hear our wishes, dreams, and fears and come to us. We want nothing but to provide you with a healthy, safe, fun home. I’ll be up front and tell you our family is crazy, but whose isn’t? I’m taking a month off, and then I’ll be back at it, so why don’t you do me a favor and start your journey towards us, okay?

Loving and wanting you for too long,
Mom E

You’d think I’d be used to the ‘day you know you’re not pregnant’ feelings by now. Each month it’s like a new wound, reopened, complete with emotional pain. Each time it feels like the first time. It never gets any easier, if anything it gets harder. And, each time, my determination to win kicks in. After crying for a little while, and feeling like the biggest loser for even longer, and grumbling about how much money this costs us, and watching our house down payment fund shrink more and more, I come back with a renewed hope that NEXT time it will work. A. asked me yesterday, how I keep going? Honestly, I’ve put too much effort into this to walk away now. If I lose this battle, I’m going down fighting, knowing I did everything I could to win.

Sometimes A. takes issue that I put my feelings out on the internet before telling her (what can I say, I am introvert…). After reading my post she asked what I thought about her trying. This has been widely discussed, just not in recent months. Honestly when it has been discussed recently, I was not getting the message that she wants to try. Her being in grad school further complicates the issue. So whether or not she will try and when still remains to be seen, but should be added to plan #6,201.

I have lots of feelings about A. trying. Most of them are tangled in a web, and I could not begin to get at them when she asked me how I feel about it. It really is better left tangled. But, what I did realize, for the first time, I am not (as) sad about not being the bio mom, not being pregnant, as I have been in the past. I would rather her have our baby than adopt a baby. There I said it. I still want us to have a somewhat bio child. And if it means A. has it, then so be it. Three months ago I was not in this place. The idea of giving up pregnancy made me really sad. All the adoption talk has changed a lot. I’ve danced with the idea of raising a child that we have no connection to. I’ve done a lot of work to get to a place of moving forward with the process (and we still are) and it is totally still a viable option, but we are a two uteri home, and how can we let one go unused? Some folks can, but I hope we don’t.

There is no way on Earth that I am pregnant. Not this time, and not the previous six tries. Seven failed attempts, four iuis, one Clomid cycle, and I start to think this is a huge waste of our time and resources. We have no sperm left, I hate how Comid makes me feel, neither of us really think I’ll ever get pregnant…and we’ve devised yet another game plan.

I will have the stupid HSG, during my VACATION, in two weeks. I’m taking this next cycle off, due to travel around ovulation. We’ll spend our tax refund on baby juice (how many thousands of dollars have we spent buying sperm?). I will try at least three more Clomid/iui cycles before making any more changes (this will put me at seven iui cycles, four with Clomid). After that we’ll see if:

1. I want to pursue any further interventions (I said I’d never do iuis, or Clomid…and now I wonder how far I will go…and I really don’t know if I would do IVF or not).
2. I may stop ttc all together.
3. I may take a break for the summer (remember, I don’t work in the summer, and spend my days at the beach on Cape Cod, so iuis do present a challenge, or at least a really long drive).
4. We’ll move to adoption.

Technically we’re already doing #4. Part of the current plan is to start the adoption process, while I am still trying, and go with which ever one works out first. We are mostly looking at adoption through foster care. I’ve referenced MARE numerous times before. We don’t know a lot about adoption, and we don’t think we can afford adoption through an agency. If you’ve used an agency, PLEASE share!

The MARE option provides the opportunity to adopt children from with in our state (a great thing if the child does want to keep any contact with family — in some cases, the children express an interest to remain in touch with siblings or grandparents—and we’d also be open to adopting a sibling group, maybe up to three). Because the children are in foster care, and placing them in a permanent home is in the best financial interest of the state, the adoption process is free, which of course is very appealing after already having spent thousands of dollars ttc.

It’s a lot to wrap my head around. I spoke with a friend yesterday who lost her own infertility battle (four IVFs) and has since adopted through foster care. I feel so fortunate to have someone I can talk to who’s been through it all, and has come out on the other side. She does not judge and she gets it. I started telling her we are looking into adoption and she got sooooo excited, but then I was waffling back to the part where I am still pumping meds into my body and trying. And she said, “you’re at the point where you want to know you’ve exhausted all your resources. You don’t want to look back and wonder what if I tried…” For her it was what if the fourth IVF worked? When it didn’t, she knew she was done. I don’t know when I’ll be done. But I feel good about ttc while pursing adoption. Everything will happen as it is meant to and the child we’re meant to mother will find us. We can’t control it, we need to open up and let the Universe deal the cards.

I think I would have a heart attack.

I am hanging in at 11dpo. I have little hope, but my temp spike this morning ensured this roller coaster ride will last right up to the end of my luteal phase (tomorrow). If I make it past that, I will test on Monday.

We started ttc nearly two and a half years ago. You’d think that by now I’d be used to the idea that it could work, and if it did we’d have a baby. A real live baby. A child we’d be responsible for taking care of forever. This is what I want, but sometime the reality frightens the hell out of me! I have a mini freak out during each iui when I realize it could work. And now as I reach the end of my LP, with a temp spike, I get the same chest-tightening nervous feeling.

Most of my anxiety comes from knowing how much our lives will change. A. and I have grown comfortable with relaxing in our free time…some might say we’ve turned it into a sport. We’re also impulsive and will pick up at a moments notice for a variety of adventures - near and far. Our relationship would change. I’m sure it would be a great - wonderful - amazing change, but we’d be three (or four) and that is so much more than two. For six years we’ve been two and it blows my mind to add a baby in.

So while each month I test, and pray to see two pink lines, there is still a part of me that can’t imagine the shock I will feel if I ever see two pink lines.

At 9dpo I usually start to have cramps. Today I am 9dpo, and woke to horrible cramps. If history is repeating, I am not pregnant.

I am in love with our piano. I came home from work today, immediately sat down to play and didn’t get up for over an hour. I didn’t even get on-line!!! I think playing will help me in so many ways…and mostly around stress release. It was so calming to sit and play for an hour, to use my hands, to hear the music, to rest my thoughts and focus only on the notes and music I produced. It’s so wonderful.

In other news, I am hanging out here at 7 dpo. Just a few more (ok, five more) days till I can test. I’ve convinced myself it did not work, but that is just my defense mechanism. If I did, I’d be over joyed, and if I didn’t, well I’ll be disappointed again, but at least I won’t have spent the previous two weeks building myself up for the fall. Nothing else going on. But I do l-o-v-e day light savings!

I am exhausted! Work was crazy this week. I slept till 9:30 this morning and feel like I could go back to bed now, after being awake for only two hours. I pushed myself through this week because I knew I had to do it, and had no idea how tired I was. Next week will actually be worse…Monday - Thursday will be 12-13 hour work days, every day! You better believe I am going to try to sneak out early on Friday to jump start a long weekend! The following week is spring break and I’m only working four days, then I am out of the office for 11 work days! I soooo need this break!

The pace at work has helped to completely distract me from the tww. Mostly, I forget that I am waiting. This has never happened before. It’s fitting that the insanity will continue almost up to my test date, 3/19, a holiday for me (made up spring break holiday at the college I work at). I rather like the fast pace. I usually torment myself in the tww so this is a nice change. There’s also the fact that I have lost hope that this will work, and refuse to psych myself up, yet again, just to be let down for the seventh time.

Work is not the only distraction this time. We are hanging out (and eating Indian food!!!) with a friend of mine form high school and her husband tonight, they are visiting from out of town and with H, my very best friend (also from high school), who lives here. Tomorrow we pick up our piano with the help of a friend/co-worker and one of my students. I can’t wait! I only wish I had some music, all my sheet music is at my parent’s house and I have no immediate plans to visit them.

Between the killer week coming up and playing around with the new piano, I hope the tww continues to remain chill.

Hey look who else is in the tww!

A true quote I uttered in frustration while waiting for my iui today…read on…

The +opk was followed by a peak on the monitor this morning. It was a hassle to get in for an iui this morning. I continue to think some of the folks that work at my MW’s office have no idea about how precise the timing must be. After being told “no one could do it today.” I broke down while on hold. Luckily, she came back to tell me I could come in at 10:30–by then the MW on-call anticipated being out of delivery. We arrived to find she was not and space cadet MW was doing the iui. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour and 15 minutes we were ushered behind the scenes. At the last minute another MW stepped in to do the iui, and I was so thankful. She was quick, but not as quick or painless as my MW and some of the others, but I was happy not to have space cadet. My darling wife thought ahead to bring me lunch, a granola bar, that I ate while laying there with my feet up. How did it become Noon when I went in for a 10:30 iui?

I’ve realized that AI must be my MW’s specialty and the others MWs just are not as experienced / knowledgeable. If it weren’t for my MW, I would probably look into other practices- their reception is terrible and some of the MW’s seem to have very little AI training. That is the trade off I make for not wanting an RE, and I wouldn’t conceive of leaving my MW. I love her so much!

I think I’ve ovulated and if not it’s just around the corner. I still have some pain near my left ovary, but I think it has more to do with internal stretching from the 3.5cm follie. God I hope this one works. I have hope, but it’s kind of a hopeless hope, if that makes any sense. As I was lying on the table, I was not overjoyed and excited, as I have been in the past (well as excited as one can get in stirrups). I felt the doom of the impending HSG, more Clomid cycles, purchasing more sperm, and continuing on this ttc journey.

You may have noticed a lack of posts about an iui over the weekend. It didn’t happen. My opks and monitor did not detect a surge. But I could still feel intense ovulation pain on my left side and my bbt remains low.

I called my MW’s office at 8:30 this morning to check in and see what to do. As I hoped, they sent me for an ultrasound. Now, I have become quite chummy with my u/s tech, “Wander Woman.” WW is so nice and always squeezes me in even when she’s booked. Right off she was very happy with my thick endometrium. While it was okay on Friday, she said it was much thicker today, “nice and fluffy and ready to receive” were her exact words. Then she starts wanding me. No fluid. Phew. She quickly scanned Lefty on her way over to Righty and could tell it was bigger. I then told her how I lovingly refer to them as Righty and Lefty, and she started doing it too! Have I mentioned that I love this woman?

Righty measured in at 2.6cm and Lefty at 3.5cm. Holy Clomid the wonder drug! It feels like I’ve pulled a muscle near my left ovary. As I dressed and was getting ready to leave WW wished me good luck and asked me to let her know any good news. She is so kind and has really become a part of my ttc journey…yet another woman involved in getting me knocked up, seriously how many will it take? When I got to my car I called my MW’s office. I spoke with two MWs and made a plan for an iui tomorrow.

I just got home from work and my opk turned positive in less than a minute! I have so much hope for this cycle. Two plump eggs and hopefully a perfectly timed iui in the works.

Clomid kicked my ass, but I have to say it was worth it to get these great eggs. I am ready to chill out in the tww and am thankfully super busy at work so hopefully the time will fly by.

Edited to add: I’m going in for an iui at 10:30 this morning!

A. left early this morning to take the first of three MTEL tests for teacher certification then had to go straight to class until 6:30.

When I woke at 6am to take my bbt, my cat, the one that sleeps on me, started purring. I think it’s messed up that she knows the sound of the thermometer being turned on and knows it means I am awake, which excites her to no end!

I left early this morning to drive down to Springfield to pick up our baby juice. One vial. That’s it. Lefty is taking her time before making her grand entrance. I had a high reading on the monitor today and I still feel crampy pain near my left ovary. At this point we’re looking at Sunday evening or Monday, but will know more after tonight’s opk.

Western MA and Beyond Partay! I am so glad some of you are interested and it’s not too late to join in. Would a dinner after Noho Pride work? It conflicts with my on-call schedule, but if it’s good for other folks and would draw those from far away, I may be able to switch or just have someone cover me for the time we are getting together.

My drive this morning was really pretty and it inspired me to take a walk when I got home. I brought my camera along. I got some really great photos. You can seem them by clicking on my Flickr icon at the bottom of this page. The fog made for a nice background. And I saw the first maple sugar tap of the season. This always makes me think spring is just around the corner!

My u/s this morning showed my left follie at 2.34cm, righty lost this month measuring in at 1.8cm. My endometrium thickened up (was very thin two days ago) so no progesterone for me! My midwife predicts a peak / +opk Saturday setting us up for a Sunday insemination (sadly she is flying out to San Fran tomorrow so my care will be turned over to another MW, but Space Cadet MW is not on call so I should be just fine). With one vial, we have to nail this one.

Please send you postivie, sticky baby makin’ vibes our way!

I had my cd10 ultra sound today. On the right I have a 1.7cm and a 1.6cm on the left! The sizes are way ahead of schedule for me, so the Clomid must be doing something (and I’ve never had two sizable follies at once)! I’m going back on Friday to see where the’re at and then probably will have an insem some time this weekend.
In the mean time, I am sooo happy that the Clomid is done for now. Hopefully the hot flashes will stop soon. I had one during a meeting this morning and a coworker said I looked like I was having my own personal summer. In fact I was.

All my blood work came back excellent. I was relieved to learn that I’ll have a female doctor for my HSG. A few days after I was notified that it had been scheduled, it occurred to me that there was a chance a male doctor would do it. I had a mini freak out - I have never had a male doctor get near me with a speculum, and well, an HSG is not the time to start!

Things are looking up. Let’s hope we catch that egg (or eggs….).

A. and I have been going through / preparing for lots of transitions. I started looking for a new job in December, A. started grad school this month, we’ve continued the ttc journey and hoped on the infertility train…and somewhere along the way I put my mind down and forgot to pick it back up. I was trying to do too many things, which has left me feeling totally out of control in all areas.

My brain has been overcrowded with how to manage all the details. If I get a new job we’d have to move, and hopefully buy a house (funny since this baby project has all but depleted our down payment fund). Would I still be able to ttc if I started a new job? As in, have the same flexibility to shoot off for ultrasounds, IUIs, and what ever else? And would a new insurance at a new job provide the stellar IF coverage I have now? And would starting a new job and moving dry my emotional well? I’ve noticed my will to job search wained in the last month. After considering all of this, and really wanting to put ttc first, I’ve decided to stay in my job for another year. I am so relieved after making this decision: we know where we’ll live for at least another year, I don’t have to spend my energy looking for jobs, and above all, I can fully focus on getting pregnant- emotionally and financially.

Life on Clomid has gotten better. The first three days were hard, but I think my body has begun to process what’s going on and I am mostly feeling a lot better. Still have the headaches, and some hot flashes, but over all it’s getting better. Even so, I am glad my last pill will be to night. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and am excited to see how my follies are doing.

I am home. I think I feel more normal here. The Clomid is making me crazy.

I guess I need my space, my surroundings, the security of my constant home, and not a place that used to be my home.

The headaches and nausea have continued and I am very very very emotional. Just about anything will make me cry. I am trying to figure out if it’s the drugs or if these are my authentic feelings. Mostly, I feel altered, I feel medicated.

Now I know what so many students have meant when they tell me they stopped their meds (antidepressants and such) because the didn’t feel like themselves. I get it. I never did before.

How long will I feel the side effects? After five days when I stop taking the pills? How long does this $hit stay in your system?

I needed to get away from my life, so I took a short trip to my parent’s house for this weekend. During the three hour car ride I thought a lot about starting Clomid later that day. I didn’t realize that some hesitation remained. Perhaps left over from my I will not take fertility drugs days? I started to think I was about to ingest a poison. I know this is a little dramatic. The reality set in. I am taking medication to help me get pregnant. I never thought I would have a hard time getting pregnant; not me, other people, sure, but never me. Of course it was easy for me to say I’d never take the drugs, it never occurred to me that I may need them.

I took my first Clomid before bed last night. Other than feeling a little nausea and a bit of a headache (although I usually have a headache) it seems to be fine. I guess we’ll see how it goes. My HSG is scheduled for March 27th. The timing was, obviously based on my cycle, and could not be scheduled in time for this cycle. So it falls on a day during a week I’ve taken off for vacation! I had such a hard time isolating one week in the next several months to take off, and I have to have my effing HSG during it! WTF?

Being at my parents is good. I only wish their WiFi worked. Instead I am docked at my mother’s desk, which is not all that bad, as I have a roaring fire next to me. We went out for dinner last night and then we all went to bed pretty early. As usual they are both off doing there things today. They are hosting a birthday party tonight and it’s my job to go grocery shopping and make a birthday cake (I am a terrible grocery shopper, always forgetting the main ingredient…).

I’ve spent some time with my nephew. He has grown so much since Christmas. His vocabulary has grown, and he how makes sentences, instead of communicating through single words. I went to pick him up at day care yesterday and he jumped into my arms yelling “Auntie!” Melted my heart. He loves Shrek, but when he’s asking to watch it, or just talking about it, it sounds like he’s saying fu@k. Teletubbies and Elmo continue to be his favorite computer games. I can’t believe he’s not yet two and he plays computer games (with help)! This morning we were playing on the Sesame Street website. Him on my lap. And he plugged all the power cords into the side of my laptop! How does he know this stuff? I didn’t even use email or Internet in college! Man, this shit makes me feel old.

I’m off to do groceries. Adios!

He’s also my Dad.

I am usually super on top of all things financial. I pay the bills in our house and for the better part of the last six years, they were always paid early, and always always on time. In this vain, I always had my taxes done as soon as I got my W2s. This year I put it off, and then realized the March 1st deadline for A. to file her FAFSA for priority financial aid was fast approaching and had to spend a day off gathering our tax info to mail off to my Dad. Before you jump down my throat for having my Dad do our taxes, please know: 1. I did my taxes the whole time I lived out of state and am capable of doing them. 2. He is a Financial Adviser and always knows how to get more of my money back than I do. 3. Having to file married in MA and single Federally, is too much for me to deal with, so yeah, I let him do it.

Somewhere between tcc and now, I don’t seem to have the head space to stay on top of our fiances. I’ve paid our credit card late twice since last fall (although I usually remember the day it’s due and pay on-line, but it’s always past the 1pm deadline) they have yet to charge me a late fee. Today I got a 30 days past due notice on sperm storage (we pay $29 per month). 3 0 D A Y S past DUE! Moi?! No, so I called. The billing company aparently never got it. Now it’s up to me to figure out if I did pay it, or just imagine paying it? And that seems like a lot of work for $29 when I need my brain for so many other things right now…

But back to why the tax man is my friend…my Dad called this morning (I mailed the tax packet one week ago today) and he had completed our taxes. Internets, we now have the money to buy more SPERM, should this cycle treat me like all those before it. And if this cycle works and we don’t need to buy sperm, we just got our Babymoon money!

I love this time of year!

I have a plan to start the IF testing despite my bad interaction with the receptionist this morning.

After speaking with my MW, I have Clomid, I set up an appointment for my CD10 ultrasound, blood-work will be drawn on Thursday of this week, and…the HSG…can’t do it this cycle, so it will be next (if I need it, hopefully I’ll be preggers). Get this, it’ll be during the week I am scheduled to take vacation! I sure know how to have fun! I’ve been trying to plan something fun for that week, this is not what I was thinking of. C’est La Vie.

I feel a hundred times better than I did this morning. My MW really rocks. I asked her about the trigger. She usually employs a ‘least intervention as possible method,’ so I was not surprised that she didn’t recommend it. She feels it’s only necessary for planning an IUI, and does not see that benefit out weighing the cost of the extra hormones in my system. I usually like to follow her advice and do appreciate low intervention, so I many try with out it for now. I can always change my mind later if I want it. Somehow she also made me feel better about the HSG. I hadn’t even told her I was on the fence about it, but she clearly wants me to do it and informed me of what to expect. As always, her clarity and calmness, eased my concern. Hell, if I’m planning on a vaginal birth (which I am) then I can’t back away from an HSG, right?

Those that take/have taken Clomid, please talk to me about what time of day/night you found was good to take it, with respect to side effects.

the new receptionist is awful!

Several cycles ago I called in after getting my peak. The new receptionist pretty much blew me off when I asked to speak to my midwife. “Someone will call you back.” This pissed me off and I realized she did not get that I need to talk to someone, any medical professional NOW. I restated my need to speak to someone right then. She got the midwife on call on the phone.

I called my MW yesterday, but they were closed for the holiday. I called again this morning. The plan was wait out the two weeks, then call and get the meds and set up an appointment to talk more and start IF testing. The mean receptionist gruffly informed me my MW is on call and at the hospital. Urgh. Then she’s going on vacation till the 27th. She was ready to leave it at that. I again had to plead my case. As soon as I started in with all the details she stopped me and said she take a message and let my MW know when she calls in.

I mean this is a medical office. Usually there is a certain level of urgency. It’s like this woman does not know there is a science to getting pregnant! If I don’t get the Clomid soon I am going to scream! Why didn’t I get the Rx ahead of time…If i don’t get it in time, we’ll have to wait till April as I will be traveling for work during my March ovulation period.

Will it every get any easier? Adoption looks better and better every day…

The b!tch has arrived.

On to Clomid and infertility testing. From the sounds of my last conversation with my MW, the Clomid will start right away. I think most of the IF testing will happen this cycle. I am still not sure I want to do the HSG. I will if I have to, but I hope I don’t have to right away.

I am three days late.

All hpts have been negative so far.

Period signs are no where in sight.

I am calling my midwife Monday morning to see about having a beta.

A. thinks I am pregnant, she reminded me one of the most reliable ways to know is a missed period. Only about 3% of me thinks I am pregnant.

Folks, I am grasping at straws as we round the corner to the finish line of this tww. I spent more than a week thinking no way, timing was off, ovulation was not pin pointed…and since realizing a dying thermometer was to blame for low and flat temps I have resurrected hope.

My throat started hurting around 6 o’clock last night. This made me remember reading some women posting on Fertility Friend that one of their early signs of pregnancy was a sore throat, cold, or combination of both.

My MW said she saw fertile mucus when she did the second IUI. She speculated I’d ovulate in the next several hours. My cervix was open, it would not have been if ovulation wasn’t impending…and certainly not if it were more than a week away, as my temps began to suggest.

My 18 month charting history tells me that for all ovulatory cycles, my breasts become sore at seven dpo and cramps start at about eight or nine dpo. Neither one are in sight this cycle.

Part of me wants to believe it could have happened. And part of me is terrified that it did not happen. And part of me is terrified that it did happen. Prior to testing there is a certain level of fantasy, if it worked we’d have an October baby. A Scorpio. etc. Once I test, that all goes out the window, because it’s never been +. And that takes me to the terrified that it did not happen, and all the joy I’ve allowed myself to experience over the last couple days vanishes. We move onto infertility testing and drugs. And more effing money that we don’t have to try to conceive our dream. So why would I be terrified that it worked? That’s my practical side. Money. How will we afford day care? Would I be able to surrender my child to day care? Do I want to be a stay at home mom, and how would we afford it?

A. is buying hpts on her way home tonight. I don’t know how I would resist taking one tomorrow morning if they are in the house! And yet, I want to stay in my fantasy land where I am pregnant until proven not.

Remember when you where a kid and you used a glass thermometer with mercury rising to give your temperature reading? I do.

BBTs are digital, as far as I know. We have little to no way of knowing if they are broken. I didn’t know mine was broken until I tried to take my temperature on Sunday morning and it would not turn on! …is it possible that this explains why my temperature never spiked? I’d like to think so.

9 dpo and counting!

p.s. NY was fun, drag party was great, eight hours in the car by myself generated lots of blog ideas…

I thought for sure that my bbt would spike the morning after my last post, and ovulation would be confirmed and I would know for sure that this was all done. Was I ever wrong! My bbt has been low and flat for days. Maybe my thermometer is dying, or malfunctioning. My body is starting to feel the way it does after ovulation…with respect to mucus, or lack there of, if you catch my drift…

Overall I feel better. I’m still wicked bummed that the timing was probably off, but am not as stressed and freaked out as I was. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve been to two yoga classes and one pilates class this week. Go me!

I feel like the fertilty goddesses kicked me while I was down.

As if last week was not bad enough, why oh why did the efing OPK have to lie to me? Didn’t I say they don’t work? So why did I let the MWs talk me into suplementing the monitor with them? And why did I spend $45 alone on OPKs for this cycle?! The ultrasound made us somewhat confident that I’d ovualte on schedule, and according to the last one, I should have ovulated on Saturday at the latest. I guess the follies decided to take a little nap for several days…

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated because we only have one vial left. No chance in hell of bio siblings if that one works. (Sometimes I wonder why I worry about bio siblings when we can’t seem to have one child, and question if we’d even put ourselevs through this again if it ever did work.)

I am frustrated that we essetianlly just spent >$1,000 for nothing. It’s different when we time it right and it does not work, but to know there is no chance, makes it so much worse.

I am frustrated that this was my last unmedicated cycle. I have mostly made peace with starting fertility drugs, even though I swore *I would never take them* what the hell did I know? I certainly did not know how hard this would be or how invested I would become in carrying. Or how A. would start to question her desire to carry.

I am impatient and I want a freaking child already. And now I have to wait nearly a month to try again. The next time will be totally new, and will freak my body out in new ways (oh joy!). Some days I just don’t know if I am strong enough to go through this anymore. But I will not quit. TTC has been woven into the fabric of my everyday existence. I don’t even know how to be if I am not TTC. What would I blog about. What would I think about. What would I talk about. I know this sounds pathetic, but it really has become a huge part of how I define myself, and that is not pathetic.

I am so frustrated I want to scream … all day long.

So how am I going to take care of myself? Good question.

Yesterday I took a yoga class at my gym. Usually I just run at the gym. I like it and it makes my body feel good and it helps me sleep. Sometimes it helps to clear my mind, but not always. The yoga class I took really got to me. I’ve done yoga before and it’s always helped me. I realized that I need to do it more. I’ve never needed to do it more than I do right now. I need to do what ever I can to keep my body in balance. I tend to “take care” of myself by going out for a drink with co-workers after a particularly hard day. This is fun, but I think I need to spend more time in the yoga studio, and less time in the bar room. I need to help my body feel better and then maybe I will feel better. My plan is to do at least three yoga classes a week, and still run a couple times. Will someone please hold me accountable?

I did have a positive thing happen today. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I need a referral from my PCP whom I’d never met in order to have the infertility testing done by my MW, whom I am more than well acquainted with. While technically I only had to call to request this, I thought it might be a good time to meet my PCP and to get my headache meds refilled. I switched PCPs a year ago when my insurance changed. The practice I wanted to go to only had a male doctor accepting new patients at the time and well, I’ve never been too keen on having a male doctor, but they told me I could see any doctor there. For some reason I made the appointment with him for today. I was surprised that I LOVED him. He was super chill and very nice. He was genuinely interested in me, gave me the Rx I needed for my head, and was empathetic about my fertility issues. He alluded to the fact that he’d gone through infertility (not sure if was him or his wife). He was supportive of how hard it is and when I asked, he shared that he now has two daughters, one of whom is adopted. He asked a little about our journey and was really and truly interested. I never expected that I’d like him as much as I did. I know it’s wrong to be so judgemental, but I’ve always been more comfortable with female health care providers, and I have my reasons. He is one that I am excited to have as my PCP. It was a nice surprise.

This post is all over the place and ridiculously long. I am off to bed soon, so I can make it to my 6:45am yoga class, aren’t you proud of me?

Seems like I JUST ovulated, more than 48 hours after the last insemination. Sigh…

Edited to ask:
How long AFTER ovulation does fertile mucus usually come out…um…when you are going to the bathroom? I never really pay attention, but what are the chances that it takes a couple days? If it does then there is hope…but my temps have been down, so I am pretty sure we missed it. I am so pissed that we wasted two vials of sperm!

I went in this morning for the follow up ultrasound. The other day there was a 1.3 cm on my left side and a tiny tiny tiny follicle on the right.

Today the left measured in at 1.2 and the right at 1.8.

What the hell is going on? the opks are showing some color, but are not positive. At this point we may do a Saturday insemination. My midwife advised against doing it if it were to happen after Saturday.

We chatted a bit today about what my insurance will cover and I let her know I’ve requested the referral that I need.

I am so sick of this cycle.

Lost: My Sanity.

I had a nice chat with my wonderful midwife this morning. She is sending me for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. The opks are showing a little line, but are far from positive. Though, I’ve never had a truly positive one.

I told her all about my new found infertility family history and she instructed me to call my insurance company in an effort to begin to understand what they will (not) cover. She instructed me to give as little information as possible and not to reveal that I don’t have a sperm source at home. A.’s response “great I love posing as heterosexual.” It does suck, but at least she is trying to help us get the most we can out of them. I need to make the call…but really don’t want to.

If the ultrasound gives us conclusive information we’ll probably go forward with the insemination tomorrow or Friday. The ultrasound is at the worst time tomorrow as far as work goes. I have to miss a meeting that I should really be at. My boss was understanding. I am glad that I’ve been able to tell her what I have, and she is supportive. I could tell she wanted me at the meeting, but understood that I just can’t be there.

I’ve managed to take Friday off this week, after much hassle. In the end my office mates told me a I need a day away, and they couldn’t be more correct. I can’t wait till Friday!

CD 13 and and I have one 1.3 follie. I am three to four days from what is typical ovulation, so there’s plenty of time for it to plump up. That’s the good news.

And now for the bad news…after my sil called last night to tell us she is pregnant, I called my mom and had a good crying fest with her. She has been in on this whole journey, she’s known how hard it’s been, and so on. And she found that after all this time, now would be a good time to tell me that she had a really hard time conceiving me, and thinks she had one miscarriage between my brother and I. And that it took my aunt SEVEN years to conceive her first child and FIVE the second. Um, me thinks this info would have been helpful a LONG time ago! Even more reason to start Clomid…

After that conversation I took a tylenol PM, and cried myself to sleep. I feel like shit today. But it could be worse, the monitor could have been right, and by now I would have ovulated. At least we can still try this cycle.

Took two OPKs on Sunday, both negative.

Got another peak on the monitor today (you always get two in a row…)

Negative OPK this morning.

Called the midwives. They wanted me to have an ultrasound to check my follies, but the tech was not in until the afternoon, and then could not fit me in until tomorrow morning! urgh…

Negative OPK this afternoon.

Ovulation pains are dissipating…

I think my egg already burst, and we missed it. I won’t fall apart until the ultrasound confirms that tomorrow.

I almost always ovulate on CD16, sometimes CD17. I get a peak reading on either CD 15 or 16.

Today is CD11, and I got a peak reading on my fertility monitor.

What’s different this cycle? New prenatal vitamins. Could my vitamins have changed ovulation that drastically? It seems like vitamins should not do this, but that is the only thing that is different.

I did not take my temperature this morning because I am sick and slept in, so I figured it wouldn’t be accurate. I am going to take an OPK in four hours, and A. is going to have a peak at my cervix…we were not expecting this until next Friday or Saturday. And if this is not it, the monitor is done for this cycle…which means temps and OPKs, and that is a scary thought!

I am sooooo not sitting this cycle out!

All A. and I want is to be moms, to have a family.

All these kids want is to have moms, to have a family.

Why is this so difficult for them, for us?

I’ve always bought into the cliche, Everything happens for a reason. For years A. made fun of me, or questioned how I dealt with difficult situations, simply by feeling it was ‘meant to be.’ And then she wised up. (hehehehe.)

It’s been just shy of a month that I verbalized a desire to look into foster care. At that time I also learned about MARE (see link above). These children are in foster care waiting to be adopted. In most cases, the birth parent’s rights have been terminated. We’ve approached the idea slow. A couple weeks ago the lovely ladies over at Foster Mamas welcomed us into their home to meet their adorable foster daughter over dinner and then let us pick their brains about foster care once the wee one was in bed. That gathering gave us lots to think about. We are a little worried that taking on a foster child when A. is about to start grad school could pose some problems. We’ve taken a ‘let’s wait and see how school is and then, if feasible pursue it in the spring’ approach.

Until now. Tonight I logged onto MARE and created an account. Within seconds I had access to children’s profiles. Some included pictures and statements. The pictures pulled at my heart strings. And I asked myself, why are we fighting this? We want them, they want us, who cares if they are not newborns? Nor born to one of us? They are humans in search for a family. So are we.

As I sat there, many thoughts rushed though my head:
Could I really be okay adopting?
We could adopt two right now!
Is this what is MEANT to be?
We could adopt siblings.
Why am I so resistant?
Is this what is MEANT to be?
Is this why our journey has been so long and arduous?
Is this what is MEANT to be?
Am I crazy?
We could adopt and if we really wanted to try to get pregnant at a later we date, we could.
IS THIS WHAT IS MEANT TO BE?

As you can see, I can’t get that last one out of my head.

I have spent the better part of the last 2 and a half years dedicating my energy to creating and maintaining my fertile self. I have tried things I never knew about and I have learned more I than I ever thought I would.

I have cried, oh have I cried! With A., solo, friends, & my Mom. I have kept my spirit up, even when I wanted to deflate it. I pulled on positivity, because negativity is stressful and stress impacts ttc. And here I am, no child to show for it. And you know what the worst part of it is, the children waiting to be adopted have been through so much worse in the time that I’ve been ttc. Why are we being so selfish? A. and I have the ability to give them the family they want, we want. So why are we still exuding all our energy and money trying conceiving one of our own?

A. is away for the we