I had to buy disposable diapers today.  I have not ever done this.  But Mr. E has a diaper rash that, despite all my best efforts I can not get under control so I wanted to send him to bed with tons of diaper rash cream on his bum and this is something I can not do with cloth diapers.  So I went out and bought disposables and DR cream.  And man it feels indulgent!  Although, I have no plans to become a convert.  I love cloth diapering!

Growing up we always unplugged our electronics during a thunder storm. So as the thunder booms outside and the rain unforgiving pours down, is it okay to use my breast pump? Hope so, Mr. E needs food while I am at work tomorrow.

So, uh, I joined.

And I am having a lot of fun with it.

If you know me and want to “be my friend,” let me know.

We just realized our son’s first birthday is the same day the next president will be sworn in. What better way to celebrate his first birthday than by GWB exiting the Whi.te Hou.se?!

There doesn’t seem to be time in the day to write proper blog posts anymore. I guess I knew this was coming. My head is overcrowded with thoughts right now.

• For about a month I’ve been working on a post about Mr. E’s biological siblings. I will finish it, some day, but the short version is that we’ve connected with three more families and met two more kids. They live two towns away from us!
• Not being able to fully blog about what’s going on with regard to the thing I don’t want to do has made me realize just how much I use this blog for therapy. Some day soon I will spill the whole story. Maybe.
• We’ve sold most of our possessions on Craig.slist. I have sticky notes on my computer reminding me who is coming when, for what, and how much they are paying. This is a full time job. Oh and I am back at in on eBa.y again too.
• Things we do not need between now and the move are slowly being packed each night.
• I’m trying to accept that even if I do lose the remaining 10 pounds, my pre pregnancy clothes probably will never fight right.
• But I am keeping them in a box labeled “pre preg. Long term storage.” Just in case.
• And while I am talking about weight, can I just say, who’s body do I live in now?
• He’s worth it.

Real posts to come. Someday. Maybe.

For those that don’t know, O.prah’s show yesterday was about sperm donors, but she kept calling them ‘fathers’ or ’sperm donor dads.’ Viewers heard about the experiences of: donors who’ve been contacted by children born from their sperm, single moms who conceived via donor sperm, and children born from donor sperm. Two mom families were not even mentioned! Over all the parent perspective of why donor sperm was used was completely missing. It would also have been nice if at least one sperm bank had been represented. But now I may be asking too much for talk show television.

I really appreciated two of the three donor’s perspective on their role in the kids’ lives. They were open to being contacted yet wouldn’t push a relationship. One of those two went so far as to say, he’s not the kids’ father, he only has one child, the child he had with his wife. (This is how I hope Mr. E’s donor feels, when and if he looks him up.) At the same time, that donor appreciates the need that some donor babies have a need to connect with their donor to fill in the missing pieces. (Precisely the reason we opted for an ID release donor) The third donor proclaimed himself ‘dad’ and the family is very happy with how the relationship has developed. Different strokes for different folks, I’m glad it’s working for them.

The donor babies (adults now, of course) profiled ranged from those who’d been able to locate and meet their donor to those desperately wanting to meet their donor, but have no avenue to do so, and in my opinion, are understandably upset by this. Their experiences of learning they were donor babies also varied with respect to age and circumstances around finding out. One woman was close to 30 when her mother told her. The kids that have meet their donors – or in one case, not the donor, but a half biological sibling, seemed to be at peace with the process, while the others really struggled. They felt strong that they should have access to the donor. Can’t say I disagree, but that’s probably evident by our decision to use ID release sperm.

Also profiled were the mother son duo who created the Don.or Sib.ling Reg.istry. A and I had planned to register once Mr. E was born, and we did so after the show. No matches on there currently. Hopefully some day we will connect with other babies from our donor – we know from our sperm bank that at the time of his birth there were seven other boys and six girls born from the same sperm. We have more vials in storage, as other families may too, so this number could increase. (Sadly, our donor is sold out and not donating anymore, so we’ve only got five shots at a sibling with the same donor.) The power of connection really hit me while watching the show and I am more thankful than ever that we’ve already begun to establish a relationship with two of his half bio siblings.

I enjoyed the real life part of the show – how donor sperm has impacted the lives of those profiled, but it would have been a richer show had more perspectives been included.

A is currently sorting through our CDs, weeding out the ones we can get rid of. This one was too precious not to share. It’s a circa 2000 mix from my brother. The message from him reads:

E.,

Music for your computer. It won’t work in a regular CD player. Use it in your CD drive. You may have to download “windows” winamp player.

Enjoy.

Love,

T.

Winamp?! Seriously! And why has it been sitting next to our CD player forever?! Sorting through CDs has been the most humorous of all our sorting projects.

I have been on Fertility Friend for a r e a l l y long time. First to obsess chart my cycles, twenty so or cycles worth. And later I started participating in the discussion boards, some of which have been informative and other make me want to pull my hair out (that’s a whole other post that I probably will never waste my time on). It’s pretty clear that most of the women on there are ttc, thus the draw to pay to electronically chart your cycles.

So I am always befuttled when someone posts that they got their BFP and it’s such a surprise!

So, I’ve done a pretty good job of keeping a secret. Tonight A and I have been reading through our archives only to realize some of what we wrote may have been a little, shall we say, transparent? Here’s the thing- when we first met (way back in 2001) we smoked a lot of the gr.een god.dess. As the years passed we’d go in and out of periods where we’d smoke and then not and then smoke. Well it seems as though last fall was a ston.er time. I present you with the following evidence:

Exhibit A

I can guarantee you, I have not smoked anything since becoming pregnant. But tonight, I was laughing so hard I was brought to tears while reading my posts and realizing I had to have been s.toned while composing them.

I hope this does not offend anyone…

Right now I would give almost anything to be soaking in a luxurious bubble bath, in a jacuzzi style tube, sipping a bottle glass of wine, snacking on finger foods by candle light and music. This tub would be far far away from my home and work, and the worries I am carrying would not exist.

Instead, I am home after a long day, and for the first time this pregnancy had to take my tension headache medicine, my back hurts so much I can hardly walk, and I am a weepy emotional mess. I continue to feel like a failure in my job and fall more and more behind every single day. I will get through this. It’s just hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel right now.