Category Archive

I think it’s safe to day we have a schedule!!!!!

Most days look like this:

7:30 wake up.

8:30 start walk, Mr. E takes a cat nap while I walk.

10:00 nurse and go down for morning nap.

12 wake up play, run errands, etc.

1:30 nurse

2:00 nap

3:45 wake up play

5:00 nurse

6:00 eat dinner

6:30 bath, stories, bed

I feel so accomplished that we’ve finally got a routine! I can make appointments and plan my day around his sleep now. Oh happy day!

Let’s just say loving my postpartum body has not always been easy.

While I was pregnant, and once I was past the first trimester hell where I could not eat anything, I developed an appetite like I’d never known. People who knew my eating habits pre-pregnancy could not believe how much I could eat. I took the eating for two thing serious, and enjoyed every bite!

No one told me that breastfeeding also makes you hungry. I knew I needed an extra 500 calories a day, but I didn’t realize how much more I would want.

My baby was born in January, in New England and we were constantly coated in snow or ice or both. I was home, and hungry.

Whoever said just breastfeed and the weight will melt right off was not keeping my lifestyle.

Recently I got off my ass and started exercising. For real. Kind of the way I did before I got pregnant. As in, sweat drips off my body and I can feel the effects. No more pushing our fancy-pants stroller up and down our road, while stopping to talk to every neighbor. We live a quarter of a mile from a state park filled with trails. It’s a beautiful place to be and as a baby, I was pushed by my own mother over these trails many times. I’m logging 3-6 miles a day of hilly terrain with Mr. E in tow in our jogging stroller. It is a work out.

Since starting this, and trying to eat better I’ve lost five pounds, putting me NINE pounds from my pre-pregnancy weight! I am not dieting. I am breastfeeding, and that is my number one priority over getting my body back. So I still take in the required calories, but I am doing so in a healthier fashion and exercising. I feel amazing. My body forgot how much it likes to exercise. I even tested the waters a little today and ran a portion of the trail. Pre pregnancy, running was my thing.

I am not so naive as to think I will get my body back. There are somethings that will always be different. But, I feel better, and I’m building up my strength. All of this helps to make me feel better and more at home in my new body. And really, that’s what I’ve longed for.

No. Crashing and burning would be more accurate. I think nearly six month of sleep deprivation (we won’t even talk about the pregnancy sleep deprivation) has finally caught up with me. I am so exhausted all the effing time.  Thank God I am stubborn because it’s the only thing keeping me from even considering supplementing with formula so that A could do some over night feedings. If I ever caught up with pumping then breast milk bottles over night would be an option but I just can’t seem to figure out a system to replenish my once plentiful stash.

I am ready for him to sleep through the night!

There are lots of opinions about raising healthy sleepers. And lots of controversy too.

I’ve read a couple of books, varying from attachment parenting to cry it out (CIO). We practiced something in the middle. Until four nights ago. Mr. E started going down really hard for naps and at bedtime as well. He went from being able to be put down awake and then falling asleep on his own, to needing lots and lots and lots of help falling asleep. All this in a very short time. A and I were not impressed and we missed our baby who peacefully lulled himself to sleep. One night in a moment of “what the hell do we do?” we both decided to let him cry. For 20 minutes. He wailed for the entire 20 minutes. We were both so tired that the crying  didn’t grate on us too much. We checked on him at the 20 minute mark. Reinserted his pacifier and repositioned his lovey; he fell immediately off to sleep.

The next night we did the bed time routine. Nurse if he’s hungry, read several stories, kisses and put him in his crib. Crying ensued. Again we agreed to check him at the 20 minute mark. We went out to the screen porch and turned off the monitor! A went in after 20 minutes, only to be informed by my Dad that he stopped crying after 15 minutes.

On the third night he whimpered for about ten minutes.

Tonight, the fourth night, I kissed him, laid him in his crib and he made one pathetic cry. About ten minutes later there were a few more soft cries, but no hysterics. He’s been asleep for an hour now.

My friends, I am a believer in CIO. We do it for naps during the day now too, and guess what? He cries for less than five minutes and is then down for close to two hours.

Now. If we could only figure out the middle of the night…

We have a tooth!

We were settled in our usual spot all the way in the back at church today. My mother was holding Mr. E and per usual, everything goes in this mouth. Next I know my mother said, he just bit me! And of course the three of us got all excited and started looking in and feeling…while church marched on around us.

Well at least now we know why he was so cranky last week. He is in a much better mood now. It’s amazing how much happier he is. Now, I need to be ready to put an end to and nursing bitting. Crap.

Now that my period is back and my cycle is on its way to regulating there’s been talk of ttc our second child (please let it only be one, after all I am a clomid gal). I want to enjoy this time with Mr. E and not rush into the next baby. As we walk the path back to ttc, that is my marker for readiness. We have (moving) target dates for when we’ll start, and ideas about minimally how far apart we’re comfortable with them being. But one thing that never changes, we’re impulsive, we change our minds every other day, and we’re probably so sleep deprived that we shouldn’t even be permitted to make the decision to have another one. And after my half day with Mr. E and our two nephews (10 months and 3 years), I began to reconsider another one altogether. Taking care of all three is exhausting. Picture this: Mr. E on me in the Ergo, 10 month old J in the stroller, 3 year old J riding his bike. Now, me running after J on his bike, while wearing Mr. E and pushing the stroller. And that’s the scene when the babies are confined. When we’re in the house it’s nuts!

But I digress. We will try for another. And we’ll probably do it sooner rather than later, and most likely sooner than we originally planned. As A said to me last night “why drag out having you home forever. Let’s just have the kids and be done with it.” (Of course she said it lovingly.)

All this talk has propelled me back to my time being pregnant. Somehow it doesn’t seem so bad. But I know it was. I know I was uncomfortable, and everything hurt, and I was emotional, and so on. But now, now, I yearn for the closeness with Mr. E that we shared for 10 months. I remember walking around while pregnant, thinking how amazing it was that he went everywhere with me, and dreading the day that would cease to be true. The other night something moved in my stomach (probably gas) and it felt as it did when Mr. E was in me moving. And I longed to feel that intimacy with him.

I hated being pregnant so I can’t believe I miss anything about it or that I am nostalgic and wanting to do it again. I already know breastfeeding will be the same. I didn’t know if I’d like bfing, and it turns out I am pretty damn good at it and so is he. I can’t say as though I love it, but I don’t hate it, I enjoy the time together, and most of all I am humbled to be so fortunate as to produce food for my child. I have every intention of bfing till he’s one, and then will see what happens. TTC plans may necessitate weaning. No mater what I know I will miss it when we’re done. Just as I somehow now miss being pregnant.

This week begins my true true stay at home mom role. I’ve been working 20 hours, over three to four days since we moved and while that does not sound like a lot, it is when you are trying to manage work and a kid. And by that I mean a work life and a kid life. Really delving in at work and getting things done, then completely shifting gears at home to entertain and care for Mr. E, when all I really wanted was to be with him all the time.

What I’ve learned is that I don’t make that shift too easily. On the days I worked, I came home and couldn’t get into the Mr. E groove, on the day(s) I was home I found myself cramming in all the SAHM things I wanted to do, since I only had one to two days to do them. In short, I could not find balance. Now I am working one and a half days in the office with a little bit of working from home. A is working 40 hours, in the 9-5:30 fashion. I couldn’t be happier, and neither could she.

I can’t explain why I love being home. There is something relaxing about hanging out with Mr. E, playing silly games, and dancing to childrens music for hours on end that feeds my soul. I wrote often while I was on maternity leave about how peaceful I felt, a feeling completely new to me. Well I’m already beginning to feel that peacefulness again. Sometimes I forget that I was on a career path. And until not too long ago, didn’t have any intention of stepping of my path.

There are times when I feel as though I am seeing myself in a mirror, and just can’t believe I gave myself permission to apply the brakes. To listen to the voice that told me I wanted to stay home, and to chance the resume void that SAHMs inevitably create. While A and I ate dinner tonight and chatted about our days, she excited to be back to working full time, me ecstatic to be home, I told her how odd it feels not to know when I will return to full time professional work out side the home. It really could be years. And I am okay with that.

So much to say …

Days even weeks pass now with out me posting. I have lots I want to write about but just can’t seem to find the time. When I do have time I am either exhausted or want to spend time with A. I’ve had thoughts of abandoning this blog all together, as I seem to neglect it so much. But it’s been such a huge part of my life for almost three years. I guess I am trying to figure out how it fits into my life now.

On the Mr. E front:

~He turned 5 months on Monday. I can’t believe it. He’s really coming alive and continues to charm everyone. The kid has a smile that melts hearts. And he loves people.

~We’re still working on EC and he is getting better and better at the potty. We’re shocked at how easy it’s been. He is so cute on the potty and moms love not having to wash poopy diapers!

~He ditched the swaddle. Some time in the last month we stopped using a swaddle. I forget what prompted it but we tried it one night and he slept fine. So he’s swaddle free. In a lot of ways this is great because we can easily have him nap in his stroller when we’re at the beach or when he comes to the office with me, but it’s also sad because my little baby is growing too fast!

~He has a lovey, two really. When we abandoned the swaddle we introduced a “lovey” - which is in my opinion, the most ingenious baby accessory. We just snuggle it near his check and he is immediately soothed and relaxes. When I saw how well it worked in the crib, I put one in my car…and wouldn’t you know, he does not scream in the car anymore (we even had a successful trip to Maine this past weekend). Coincidence? All I know is that it works.

~Mr. E was the star of his Mama’s graduation last Sunday! He was so proud of her!

~He’s started grabbing things. The other day he put both hands around my seltzer can and pulled it to his mouth! This is a baby who gets about 10 bottles a week! But he’s been watching us eat and drink, with great interest for several weeks. I will be excited to start solids in a month.

~ He is pulling up as though to do sit ups. He wants to sit up so bad.

~He’s “this close” to rolling over.

the cuteness:

On the E and A front:

~ For those who are not my Face Book friends (come on, why aren’t we friends?!) or if you are and you didn’t see my status yesterday, I am now 30. It’s so not as big of a deal as people make it out to be. A gave me a “mother’s necklace” with Mr. E’s birthstone in it. And she was sure to tell me we can add more stones. I said, great, I can’t wait till there are three stones… (11 months and counting till we start ttcing again.)

~ Tomorrow we will have been married for four years. We’re packing up the boy and spending the day in P-Town.

~ A got a new job that is not teaching, but she is excited about it and her hours will pretty much put me back to full time SAHM, which I am sooooo effing excited about! I’ll work one full day a week and the rest of my hours will be working from home and in the evenings.

Those are all our updates. Some day I hope to get back into my blog. Life’s just too crazy right now.

This is the post where I officially eat crow.

When I was pregnant A told me about her co-worker’s grandchild who was potty trained through elimination communication at a very young age. I scoffed.

From time to time I’d read on different parenting message boards about folks doing EC with their infants. I thought they were nuts.

A few of my fellow bloggers even pipped up when I blogged about how the Bumbo seat ensured Mr. E would poop after eating first thing in the morning. Somewhere in the back of my mind I started to think, maybe there was something to this whole idea…

I went out and I bought a potty. I fed my kid yesterday morning, took off his diaper sat him on the potty. No dice. I repeated this after every feeding yesterday. He had an off day and didn’t poop.

Today after his first feeding I took off his diaper and in the company of myself, A and my mother, he pooped. On the potty. We are officially attempting EC.

The idea of never having to wash solid food poo diapers is delightful. We have one month and one week before he turn six months, at which time we plan to start solids…so we have our work cut out for us, to ensure we have this down before then.

Woe. Did I mention my son will be six month is a few short weeks? how’d that happen?

Mr. E is a wonderful sleeper. Some days we complain because he still wakes once or twice at night - mostly to feed. But the reality is he feeds and goes right back to sleep - I’m usually back in bed within 10 minutes. He’s been in his own room in a crib since he was about 2 1/2 months old - we moved him when it became apparent that by sleeping in a family bed we were stimulating him too much. Once he had his own space, he slept much better. I was sad that my little guy moved out so soon.

Last weekend when I went away with him overnight, I had him in bed with me, because it’s just so much easier to do that than it is to lug a pack n play.

I fell in love with co-sleeping all over again.

I loved having him next to me, I loved the ease of breastfeeding in the middle of the night, and I loved waking in the morning to see him happily laying next to me. Smiling and cooing. I also thought he slept better - only waking once to feed.

For the last week we’ve been playing musical beds. There’s a double bed in Mr. E’s room, and his room is just across the hall from us. The week started with me and Mr. E alone in mine and A’s bed, her in his room. Then all three of us together. Then him starting the night in his crib and he and I in the double bed (in his room) after his first waking. Some mornings he’d go to A around 6 so I could sleep in and other mornings I’d put him in his crib at 6 and go back to mine and A’s bed. The bed swapping was tiring.

It’s taken a bit to figure out but now I think the best routine looks like this: Mr. E starts the night in his crib. He goes to bed around 7:30. When he wakes for his first feeding (around midnight) I take him out of the crib and instead of feeding him in the chair, he and I crawl in the double bed and I make a boob available. He eats while I go back to sleep. This way he gets as much as he needs or wants with out me prematurely taking him off because I just want to get back to sleep. We stay this way and when he wakes for his 5:30ish feeding I make the other boob available. If I am distracted by his light morning sleep I put him back in the crib and head back to my bed. I thought it was crazy to do so much bed hoping but, the key seems to be Mr. E taking in enough food and me being able to sleep through it. I know I was taking him off too soon, but I was tired and wanted to get back to bed. I am also happy that we are co-sleeping again and it’s a nice balance.  I’m also glad that he’s used to the crib and goes down, awake, for his naps during the day with out issue. I’m not even sure he knows we’re co-sleeping since he goes to bed and wakes up in the crib.

Even still, I long for the day that he can go through the night with our feeding.

As I drove home from Western MA last Saturday I called A. I’d been on the road for about two hours and had spent nearly every minute thinking about my experience in our old home. It’s hard to describe the way it felt to be there. I only went for a short trip- about 24 hours, but it was long enough to really be there. I carried on to A about how odd it was to drive the roads with such familiarity and at the same time, intellectually know it’s not my home anymore. She said, I know what you mean, wait till you read my blog. I really can’t say it any better than she did. So I’ve nixed the post I had drafted while driving home. But, as she said, Northampton will always hold a special place in my heart, and it does feel much like a first love, and like first loves, they often don’t last. So I bid farewell to Noho and will always love returning to visit.

I’ve kept quite about the transition at a time when A needed to pipe up. At times, it was hard to read what she wrote. I wondered if we’d made the right decision to relocate to my home town. It’s easy. natural. for me. But it’s a whole new reality for A. And she has quickly learned EVERYTHING happens through networking here. Somebody always knows someone who knows someone…and we’re all related too (I’m not even kidding). This can be overwhelming to an outsider. I’ve tried to support her as best I could. Things got pretty bad before they started to get better. And now, A really seems to have a plan. I am so happy to see her taking action in effort to get a job that will help her get a teaching job. Fingers are crossed that this one works out.

We’ve both been working part time which leaves Mr. E in his aunt’s care for two hours a week. But it’s left both A and I wanting something. She wants to work full time. I want to stay home full time. I’d like to cut my hours in half (down to 10, but not more than 15). If A gets the job she’s interviewing for I will have to cut my hours, as we won’t have childcare, and day care isn’t an option for us - we can’t afford it and even if we could, we don’t want Mr. E in DC. If she gets the job, we both get what we want. So will all of you please join me next Wednesday at 8am to hope/pray/whatever that: 1)the interview goes well, 2)that A wants to work there, and 3)that they want her to work there.

As A says, “we’re on the sandbar.” It’s been a little more than a week since we managed to pack all our belongings (ok, most, we had to part with some items that would not fit) into a UHaul and drive away from the place we moved to five years ago, with every intention of setting down roots and raising a family. We were sad as we drove away, in separate vehicles, A with the over stuffed UHaul, me with the baby. We’ve made the same trip East, hundreds of time since moving there but I can’t describe the feeling of leaving it all behind. There are things we’ll miss, friends we’ll miss, places we’ll miss, but our lives here feel full in ways that kept coming up short there.

The whole process has been quite over-whelming. The week leading up to the move may go down as one of the most stressful. Ever. Let’s just say that together we experienced enough transitions to last a few years. In all there were only two melt downs (one for each of us) and our boy was perfect. Moving day, while always exhausting, went quickly when many of my co-workers and students and A’s former co-workers descended on us. Mr. E was bounced from person to person while our truck was loaded. And many helping hands meant our stuff was packed into the truck rather quick. My heart warmed having so many people show up to help us.

We spent an exhausting three days unpacking and getting set up, while also working through the emotions that come with such a transition. In the middle of those three days we attended an orientation for the church we planned on joining. Crazy? Yes. The orientations are only offered four times a year and are a required step in becoming a member. We want to have Mr. E dedicated (this is Unitarian Universalist for baptized) over the summer, and while we could have him dedicated without being members, my catholic guilt wouldn’t let me. Heck, what was one more thing in the middle of all we were doing?

By Sunday night A and I were unpacked and starting to feel somewhat normal. We are very comfortable in our new home, at my parent’s house (for those wondering, we passed on the condo. There are too many financial unkowns for us at this time). We have a good relationship with them and it’s very nice to have built in babysitters, support, and let’s not forget the hot tub! That was essential after moving boxes all weekend!

I started my part time job on Monday. I am working for my father helping to run his business. So far I’ve mostly been organizing the office (it’s a NIGHTMARE) and also have started looking into some really cool techy marketing tools. I love my job- you’ve NEVER heard me say that before! I love that it’s stress free, that it’s flexible and part time, and that it allows us to work my hours around A’s hours, thus avoiding daycare. And I am enjoying what I am doing. I mean, one project I am working on is kind of like blogging!

A started her job on Tuesday. She’s enjoying having structure again and has already begun networking with the elementary school principals. She left one meeting with the principal trying to create a part time job utilizing A’s experience working with English Language Learners. She needs to get her foot in the door some how and this would do it! Everything is just coming together for us in ways we never imagined possible.

Mr. E had a very difficult growth spurt last week. It was by far our worst night. He cried, no screamed all night, unless one of us was holding and bouncing him. A couple times we’d trick him into thinking we were standing and bouncing when really we were laying down and bouncing him while he laid across our chests. He never slept more than an hour like this. He wore himself out and finally went to sleep in his crib from 7-11am. The next couple of days he remained crabby, but now he’s back to his cheerful, mellow self. He’s loving having his cousins around all the time -he and J, who are five months apart are too cute together and so interested in each other.

It was a long process to get here, and we remain in a semi-permanent transitional period until A finds a teaching job and we’re able to buy a condo, but it’s all working so well and we have no regrets about our decision to move. We’re so happy to be able to raise Mr. E with family. And to be in a place where we already feel woven into the community in such a short time.

Today was Mr. E’s second parent adoption. A is now officially, legally, federally his mother…what a ridiculous process, but we’re so thankful we have it.  The whole thing was pretty uneventful and over pretty quickly. We went out to breakfast afterwards and then had our final meeting with our doula - how appropriate that she was there at his birth and then we saw her on his adoption day. It was nice to see her again. She referred us to a midwife where we are moving, the same midwife that one of our friends there used/is using. (!) And she even offered to attend our next baby’s birth…even though we’ll be three hours away! I am starting to feel a little better about ttcing #2. But we’re still waiting at least one more year…

Okay, so not a day has passed since Mr. E was born that I have not stopped and thanked the Universe for our effortless breastfeeding relationship.

Mr. E came out wanting to suck. I remember moments after he was placed on me I noted his sucking instinct and I asked our doula if I should give him my finger. She instructed me to give him my boo.b. When given my boo.b for the first time, he latched immediately. Some of my best memories of being in the hospital were of us lounging in bed while he nursed. It was so easy to do skin to skin nursing in that setting. My milk came in, full force, by the time we left the hospital. And I’ve been blessed with more than enough milk to feed Mr. E.

Once home, bfing continued to be easy. He knew what to do, I had more than enough milk, and somehow I avoided the painful nipple experience most women speak of - I’ve been told that until your nipples get used to the sucking, it can hurt a little (or a lot). This never happened to me. I attribute this to the fact that I applied Lansinoh lanolin after EVERY feeding for the first week, and to his excellent latch.

I continued to breastfeed Mr. E “on-demand” for the duration of my maternity leave. I often wondered why women who could (as in, made enough milk, had babies with a good latch, etc.) would choose not to breastfeed? And then I went back to work. Breastfeeding and working is HARD! I am very lucky because I can come home and feed him sometimes. But it is not the same as being home, breastfeeding on demand, and feeding with out the stress of feeding while convenient for my work schedule.

He is getting some pumped milk via bottles and I am not always free when he is hungry, which means I end up pumping and we get on different schedules. One day this week he had three bottles while I was at work and then rejected the breast that night. Since that experience we’ve been much more intentional about trying to adjust his feedings to my work schedule so I can come home to breastfeed him. Sometimes it works, but often I end up with tons of milk and need to pump while feeding or after in order to drain my breasts. I don’t like all the pumping because the more I pump the more my body produces.

I am one hundred and ten percent committed to breastfeeding Mr. E for at least one year. (Either from the breast or through pumped milked.) But I am beginning to understand why women who are capable of breastfeeding switch to formula after returning to work. It takes a lot of effort to successfully continue to breastfeed once returning to work. This is yet another reason I am glad I gave my notice and am excited that in two weeks I will only be working part time, and this won’t be as much of an issue.

Yet another reason we should get a year maternity leave, like our neighbors in Canada!

I have 13 more days at the job I’ve come to dislike.

I gave my notice today, after being back for four days…

Soon, so very soon, Mr. E will be my full time job again. I can’t wait to get back to being with him all day instead of going to work.

This also means we are moving soon. Last day of work will be April 23rd. We’re moving April 24th.

I am so happy. So relieved.

Maternity leave is officially over.

There’s a post brewing in my mind about how sacred the time was that we spent together while I was on leave.

Tomorrow, I will pull on the Mei Tai and Mr. E will come to work with me. Should be interesting. I can’t even begin to imagine what it’ll be like to go back after this long. Thankfully, it won’t be for long.

As you may have gathered from my last post, I don’t always read books in a timely fashion. This means I haven’t read any parenting books, save for Dr. Sears’ Nighttime Parenting. A and I mostly try to follow Mr. E’s cues and wing the rest. When he cried at night, I figured he was hungry (if it happened in 3 hours intervals). So I’d feed him. He’s been in a pattern lately of waking at 12am and 3am. Recently I read somewhere that just because they wake crying does not mean they are hungry. So two nights ago, when he woke at 12am I gave him a pacifier. He went right back to sleep, woke at 3am to eat and then was up around 7. Last night same thing, except he slept till 8am! Moms were up before him. I think we’re on to something… The lack of feedings also meant I was able to pump 6oz (I stopped when the collection bottle was full) when I woke up.

There doesn’t seem to be time in the day to write proper blog posts anymore. I guess I knew this was coming. My head is overcrowded with thoughts right now.

• For about a month I’ve been working on a post about Mr. E’s biological siblings. I will finish it, some day, but the short version is that we’ve connected with three more families and met two more kids. They live two towns away from us!
• Not being able to fully blog about what’s going on with regard to the thing I don’t want to do has made me realize just how much I use this blog for therapy. Some day soon I will spill the whole story. Maybe.
• We’ve sold most of our possessions on Craig.slist. I have sticky notes on my computer reminding me who is coming when, for what, and how much they are paying. This is a full time job. Oh and I am back at in on eBa.y again too.
• Things we do not need between now and the move are slowly being packed each night.
• I’m trying to accept that even if I do lose the remaining 10 pounds, my pre pregnancy clothes probably will never fight right.
• But I am keeping them in a box labeled “pre preg. Long term storage.” Just in case.
• And while I am talking about weight, can I just say, who’s body do I live in now?
• He’s worth it.

Real posts to come. Someday. Maybe.

We traveled for Easter.

The night before Easter I put Mr. E to bed in a crib. For the first time. In a room across the hall from us.

Technically, he slept through the night! He went down at 8:30, woke at 3 to feed and went back down, he was up for the day at 6. At his age five consecutive hours is considered sleeping through the night. I felt like a new woman in the morning- I hadn’t slept so much since my second trimester!

We made the transition at home. He’s sleeping in his crib, in his own room. I loved having him in the room with us but, I must admit it’s nice not to hear all his grunts and other noises and to be able to sleep solidly. I thought moving him would make night feeding harder, but not hearing him sleep actually made our sleep better. And he’s sleeping so much better too. On a good night, he wakes up to feed twice. I can take this.

But, he’s growing up way too fast!

It’s hard to believe A and I have already had “when will we start ttcing for #2 discussion” but we have.

There is a part of me that is still wounded from ttc. I want nothing more than to give Mr. E a sibling, but I am also being very protective of myself. I’ve caught myself living everyday as if it’s the only time I’ll experience whatever stage he’s at. During our quiet moments, when I am talking to him, I tell him how much we love him, how hard we tried to get him, how much we want to give him a sibling, but that if it’s not meant to be, we will be forever blessed by him.

My anxiety about ttc #2 is compounded by our move. I love my midwife, doula, and hospital. I am trying to wrap my brain around how this will work in a new location. As it is, when we move, our sperm will stay behind in storage, because we don’t know a place to store it closer to where we’re moving.

I hope more than anything that I will experience childbirth (at least) once again (and I may even try to enjoy the pregnancy…). So in about a year’s time, if all is well settling into our new home, we’ll be back in the game.

I pumped and dumped for the first time today.

I wish the reason were that I’d gone out and had that martini I’ve been dreaming of since the cycle that worked…

No…it was because my boy was up all night. With gas. That means I was up all night. And he’s been off all day.

This was the second such episode. The culprit? Black beans. They are officially off limits from now until Mr. E is off breast milk (and I hope to breastfeed for a year).

Sadness.

The best thing I have done for Mr. E and myself has been to reach out and engage with the new mom community. It started slow. We attended one meeting per week, and through that we learned of other groups and classes. At this point we have something Monday through Thursday. We start the week with Tummy Time at the library, Tuesday is Baby Massage, Wednesday we go to Momma and Baby Yoga, and Thursday we attend a Moms and Baby meeting. Sometimes we meet up on Friday with other new moms for walks or coffee.

I’ve quickly learned that being a stay at home mom is a full time job! It’s really wonderful to engage with other new moms and to learn so much from all these resources. I especially love my Wednesday yoga class because it’s for me! And I feel so much better after class. Part of me is sad to be making all these connections all the while knowing we’re moving out of the area in three months (um, we’re moving in three months?!). But the experience has taught me the importance of connecting with other moms and I’ve done my research about what’s available where we’re moving. I am so thankful that there are many similar resources and I am excited to get there and start to meet other moms and babies.

Oh, right. I’m a parent now. Expectations of us are different now.

Easter falls one weekend before our nephew’s birthday. His birthday is far more exciting and important to me than Easter, so I told my family we’d be coming for his birthday. In the weeks that followed I picked up on many subtle hints from my mother and SIL suggesting they’d rather we come for Easter. That somehow Easter was more important.

I finally told A about these weird vibes and after talking about it, I felt pretty stupid; of course my parents think it’s important for us to come to Easter, with our son. There’s a whole new set of expectations once you have a kid. So we decided to go. A actually admitted that she likes Easter and she’ll take any chance she can to attend the UU in the town where I grew up. She’s already built a good social network there for when we move.

My family is happy. A is happy. And me? Well, I am happy because I got to splurge on the cutest Easter outfit for Mr. E! Seriously, I didn’t know they made clothes so cute for boys! You’ll have to wait till after Easter for pictures!

Every day there is something new. Something new with our son that is. This started between weeks six and seven when he started smiling and cooing. Up until then his smiles where involuntary. Then over night, he’d respond to us by smiling. Now at eight weeks, we’ve seen more new developments. He’s found his hands and, I’m sure he’s going to be a thumb sucker. I heard him laugh this week in our yoga class during one of the movement poses. He and I spent almost an hour last night playing on his play mat - he went from back to tummy to back…and it took him a long time to tire of it. When he was done I gave him a little baby massage and he nearly fell asleep before I got him dressed.

A laid him down in the co-sleeper (every now and again we try him in there) when we went up for bed. He slept. The boy slept till 1AM (previous feeding was around 9pm)! He went back to sleep - in the co-sleeper - and didn’t wake till 4:30AM!!! He feed quickly and back down - A and I didn’t know what to do with ourselves. I’d already gotten more sleep than I usually get in two nights, and was giddy from excitement over his sleep. I had to force myself back to sleep.

We all got up a little after 7AM. I know I shouldn’t count on this every night but it’s so great to know we may be turning some corner, and it was amazing to get what feels like a full night’s sleep after eight weeks of sleep deprivation!

Last night was another bad bad bad bad sleep night for Mr. E. The night started out great. His belly was full and we gave him a bath. He literally fell asleep before A was done dressing him. I thought for sure we’d have a good night’s sleep. I was foolishly banking on a four hour stretch… We weren’t asleep for an hour before he started crying. He was inconsolable. We covered all our bases: nursing & diaper change. Still wailing. I held him and rocked him in my arms and he’d go in and out of sleep, then wake and cry violently. A slipped him a little gas medicine and we continued trying to soothe him.

He woke up, screaming, just about every hour. I just about lost my mind by 6am. At 7am, I joined in the crying. We’re supposed to start our three week baby massage class today. I felt so sick from being up all night that I have no idea how we’ll make it. And yet, I know I need to get out of the house. And I hope to learn some relaxing techniques in an effort to better soothe him. So we’re going. And then we’re coming home and napping! Of course he’s all snuggled up, sound asleep in the Er.go right now. Oh to be a baby.

ETA: We made it to our baby massage class and Mr. E fell asleep while I was massaging him…maybe this will happen again tonight! I’m glad we went it was good to see my mom friends. One of them looked at me and said you look tired today…somehow, when someone else going through this says that to me, it feels supportive and affirming, like she recognizes the hard work. I was not at all insulted as one might be when someone tells them they look tired. Tomorrow is a new day, and tonight holds the possibility of sleep!

Life as a mom is pretty freaking amazing. Honestly, most days are great even when I am exhausted and sore from taking care of Mr. E 24/7. Most of my tears are tears of joy and intense love. For example, sometimes I’ll kiss his cheeks and the power of our bond shocks me so that I am brought to tears. But nothing is ever prefect and there are bound to be days that suck. I had one such day this week as sleep deprivation and a clingy baby got the best of me.

My best friend was visiting and I excitedly left Mr. E with her for most of the day on Tuesday while I got a massage and ran errands. He and I didn’t spend much time together and by bed time he was super clingy to me. He would only sleep on my chest. ALL NIGHT. Sleeping on my chest is usually reserved for my last ditch effort to get a few more zzzzs in the wee hours of the morning. He was up a lot. I did not sleep well. We were both cranky the next day, we both woke up crying. I remained weepy all day, until I had a full on break down when A got home from work and took the screaming boy from my arms. I spent several hours bawling in bed. My friends were still visiting at this point, but had gone into town for a little while. I stayed home because I was too tired and thought Mr. E and I needed some down time. When it turned into the above mentioned melt down, I felt pretty crappy that I was hold up in my bed while they were folding and putting away my laundry and doing the dishes. I have the best friends.

Now that I am almost two thirds through my maternity leave, I’ve begun to feel the stress of going back to work. And it’s enough to reduce me to tears and is producing far too much anxiety. I do not want to go back. Even if it’s only for ten weeks. Last night I told A for the one millionth time, I don’t want to go back to work. She asked, even after how bad yesterday was? You don’t think it would be nice to get a break from him? No, I don’t. The good days far out number the bad days. Mostly Mr. E and I have good days. The more I cue into his needs, the better. I am just starting to understand so much about him. And he’s just starting to show interest in me. He’s just too precious and I love him with all my might.

Most likely, I’ll have to go back. I find myself incredibly jealous of the stay at home moms in the mom group I attend. I can’t imagine how horrible I’d feel if I didn’t know that come June I’ll leave my job to stay home with Mr. E (I handed in my resignation effective 6/13, which is the end of my ‘contract’ aka the academic year). It’s the only thing that makes it almost bearable to go back. That and knowing A will be with him when I go back, and being able to bring him with me for some part of each day.

The last week has been jam packed and deserves a post or two, which may or may not happen next week. But the difference in Mr. E from week 6 to 7 was too major not to write a small post.

First, he is smiling and cooing at us! The cooing melts.my.heart. It’s so familiar, as if he’s been doing it all along, and yet it’s totally new.  Second, one night this week he spent the first part of the night in the co-sleeper, as opposed to our bed. This was huge. And right now, as I type, he is up in the co-sleeper, sleeping all by himself! He’ll end up in our bed at some point tonight, but this is huge! Especially because he was not asleep when I put him down, nor did he cry. He simply dozed off to sleep. I can’t believe how much he’s changed in the last week!

Yesterday A and I celebrated our seven year anniversary (7 years!). Things have been kind of rough lately and A has been having a really hard time sleeping (add a newborn into the mix and, well, it’s not too fun for her). She’d been up most of the night, so I didn’t want to wake her, but I’d also planned to surprise her and take her out to one of our favorite breakfast places. Mr. E and I let her sleep in till about 9:45.

The three of us got ready and headed out for a fun day. We enjoy a delicious breakfast out. Afterwards we bought a new camera, because our not-very-old camera is dead. Mr. E enjoyed his lunch at the Library while A checked out a book. Then A and I sipped some coffee at a newish cafe before heading to see this week’s momma and baby movie at our local independent cinema (every Tuesday there is a matinée designated for moms to bring their babies). There were a couple of moms and babies from one of my groups. We enjoyed the movie and Mr. E did really well, thanks to the Er.go! It was fun to spend our anniversary with Mr. E, instead of dreaming of a baby.

I left A and Mr. E last night while I went out and had my hair chopped off! I’ve been wanting to shed my mane for awhile - since summer. But I’d been growing it for so long and many people seem to be attached to it, including my hairdresser, so I haven’t done it. But now with Mr. E here, I just don’t have the time to do much with it. And when it’s as long as it was, I at least needed to dry it. I feel so much better with it now, and my hairdresser was surprisingly in support of my decision!

Today we did a lot around the house. We’re leaving tomorrow for our first road trip with Mr. E. His bag is packed, ours are not. We’re excited to get away and for him to meet my extended family. Next weekend we’re hitting the road again to visit with A’s family.  Mr. E better get used to the car!

Mr. E will be six weeks in two days. I can’t even talk about how fast that happened. But what this means is that he’s reaching his six week growth spurt. And that means he and I are connected at the boob. He’s cranky in the early morning. 3-6am is just hard for him. He can’t relax into deep sleep, so we’re often trying to help him back to sleep during this time. This morning I did a first. Laying down in bed, I put him on the boob, fully intending to leave it there for him to take it as he wanted, and I went back to sleep. Every now and again he’d get on it and then fall asleep, then take some more, and so on. Maybe I’ve started yet another bad habit. I don’t care and my new parenting motto is, whatever it takes. Boob man indeed:

A and I didn’t go out to dinner much even before Mr. E was born. Usually because we were trying to save money. Blah blah blah. So we don’t really miss it. How can you miss something you never had? But, we do tend to indulge over special occasions. Yesterday’s special occasion was A starting her one week vacation. I am so excited that she’s home with us for the next week. And we’re running low on food in the house. And it was clear neither one of us wanted to cook. So I asked her if she wanted to - gasp - go out for dinner?

We spent a good 20 minutes discussing how that might work with Mr. E in tow, and then another 10 minutes deciding on a restaurant we felt comfortable taking him (read: family friendly). By the time we were ready and convinced we could do this, we had just about hit the time he usually starts fussing. But we went ahead with the plan. Called ahead to the restaurant, fed him, and got out the door.

We had a slight wait once there, but he was sound asleep in his car-seat. We were seated and he slept. We enjoyed a glass of wine. And then we enjoyed our salads, and then our entrees! Near the end of dinner he began to stir so I popped him in a carrier and he dozed off.

We had a successful date, and I must admit, it was a little strange to have our son pulled up to the table with us! I guess this is life now. This morning we were talking about one of our favorite overnight get aways and A said to Mr. E, someday we’ll go there and leave you home. Then she looked at me and said, I don’t want to leave him home. And I said, well when he’s two or three, we’ll be ready. She retorted, TWO or THREE?! I guess we’re not quite on the same page about our our first nights away. We’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.

Is waking up at 8am, after only two nighttime feedings, with your little man, fast asleep and snuggled into the curve of your belly.

Mr. E had his one month check up this week. Our little man weighed in at 9lbs 11oz! How the hell did that happen?! He’s grown three inches and is thriving. Our pedi said he still looks a little yellow so we’re going back for another damn blood draw today. It’s very normal for breastfeed babies to remain Jaundice for up to six weeks, so I’m not too worried.

He’s really coming into babiness (I made that word up). He has somewhat of a schedule now. We can count on him fighting sleep in the evening. He gets so very over tired and then spends from 7-8pm fussing and falling in and out of sleep. By some miracle, he’s tired enough and ready to go to sleep by 8, which is when we all go to bed. The first leg of the night is usually our longest stretch of sleep - about three hours. Sometimes we get to sleep from 12-3am. Then 3-6am are rough for him. He’s in and out and making noises and his mamas don’t sleep so well. We’re up at 6am and then he usually falls back to sleep around 7 (we’re up just long enough so I can’t go back to sleep). I am currently reading this book…here’s hoping I can draw on it to get more sleep.

We talked to the pedi about giving him a formula bottle at midnight to try to get him to sleep longer; she was on board. We did it for two nights. And now we’re done. I need to feed him. I had to get up and pump at 4am today because I hadn’t feed him since 8pm, and I was in pain. I wasn’t entirely comfortable giving him formula, since we don’t need to, so now we’re going back to breastfeeding through the night and not really sleeping from 3am on. Fun times. But I’ve come to cherish the middle of the night snuggles we share as I comfort him back to sleep.

…

My older nephew (almost three years) has come out with some funny things lately. The birth announcement we sent was of Mr. E, naked from the chest up. Sort of an artsy shot. When he saw it he expressed some concern to my mother that, “Mr. E doesn’t have a bum.” We talked on the phone and I assured him, his bum is still there. Today I got an email from my SIL, saying nephew told her, “I like that Mr. E, he is so funny!”

…

A had a snow day and was home with us yesterday. It was so nice to have her home - nice to have a spontaneous day together and nice to share caring for Mr. E. It was a little preview into next week when she’s home all week! Glorious school vacation week!

…

Today’s a full day of running errands and going to my mommy group. We are so close to having all our documents in order for the second parent adoption. Today I need to pick up our marriage certificate and Monday we’re getting his birth certificate and then our work is done. I hated filling out the paper work, the questions we had to answer, about our relationship and motivations for A to adopt Mr. E were, well insulting. But it’s done (and we’re just thankful she can adopt him). I am also going to pick up Zac’s remains today. What can be saved will be loaded onto A’s computer and we’ll go back to sharing. Our tax return is better spent servicing our car and collecting interest in our savings account.

For those that don’t know, O.prah’s show yesterday was about sperm donors, but she kept calling them ‘fathers’ or ’sperm donor dads.’ Viewers heard about the experiences of: donors who’ve been contacted by children born from their sperm, single moms who conceived via donor sperm, and children born from donor sperm. Two mom families were not even mentioned! Over all the parent perspective of why donor sperm was used was completely missing. It would also have been nice if at least one sperm bank had been represented. But now I may be asking too much for talk show television.

I really appreciated two of the three donor’s perspective on their role in the kids’ lives. They were open to being contacted yet wouldn’t push a relationship. One of those two went so far as to say, he’s not the kids’ father, he only has one child, the child he had with his wife. (This is how I hope Mr. E’s donor feels, when and if he looks him up.) At the same time, that donor appreciates the need that some donor babies have a need to connect with their donor to fill in the missing pieces. (Precisely the reason we opted for an ID release donor) The third donor proclaimed himself ‘dad’ and the family is very happy with how the relationship has developed. Different strokes for different folks, I’m glad it’s working for them.

The donor babies (adults now, of course) profiled ranged from those who’d been able to locate and meet their donor to those desperately wanting to meet their donor, but have no avenue to do so, and in my opinion, are understandably upset by this. Their experiences of learning they were donor babies also varied with respect to age and circumstances around finding out. One woman was close to 30 when her mother told her. The kids that have meet their donors - or in one case, not the donor, but a half biological sibling, seemed to be at peace with the process, while the others really struggled. They felt strong that they should have access to the donor. Can’t say I disagree, but that’s probably evident by our decision to use ID release sperm.

Also profiled were the mother son duo who created the Don.or Sib.ling Reg.istry. A and I had planned to register once Mr. E was born, and we did so after the show. No matches on there currently. Hopefully some day we will connect with other babies from our donor - we know from our sperm bank that at the time of his birth there were seven other boys and six girls born from the same sperm. We have more vials in storage, as other families may too, so this number could increase. (Sadly, our donor is sold out and not donating anymore, so we’ve only got five shots at a sibling with the same donor.) The power of connection really hit me while watching the show and I am more thankful than ever that we’ve already begun to establish a relationship with two of his half bio siblings.

I enjoyed the real life part of the show - how donor sperm has impacted the lives of those profiled, but it would have been a richer show had more perspectives been included.

My son has finally made it to a point where he sleeps at night for three hours at a time consistently. This makes his moms really happy and I feel like a new person! Next obstacle - get him to not think 4am is ‘get up for the day time.’ I fight him every morning and make him stay in bed till 6 or 7. But three hours!? Amazing!

I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say these days. Maybe it’s because my days are pretty much the same now and revolve around a small guy with big needs. That said, here’s what we’ve been up to:

Four Weeks!:
Mr. E’s been with us for four weeks and one day. Hard to believe. The time has flow and he’s already growing out of some clothes. Eek! He’s done a damn good job of communicating his needs and desires. It makes me excited each time I figure out one of his cues. In the last week I learned that within a few minutes of getting on the boob, he will need to come off to belch burp, and then need immediately resume nursing.

Mom groups :
Mr. E and I started going to some ‘mommy’ groups. The one we went to last week was a trip. It pretty my epitomized all the reasons why I want to leave this area. I think if I tried to raise my kid here I would go NUTS with all the over the top ‘progressive’ parents. Granted, A and I will be the whack jobs where we’re moving, but at least I won’t feel so damn judged every second. Even so, I think we’ll go back today, give it another try and get some grown up interaction.

We went to a different group yesterday. The description did read ’support’ group but I’ve never been to a support group so I didn’t know what to expect. I am in a place where I want to meet other new moms, so I went. It was not for me. I am not having a hard time with the transition at all, in fact being Mr. E’s mom feels like the most natural thing I’ve ever done. And I couldn’t be happier about being home, and I enjoy doing things around the house. And I want to be with him more than I want my career. You see where this is going right? I am glad such a group exists for women who need it, but I felt out of place. And I am not sure it’s helpful to the women who are struggling for me to be all rosy.

Nursing in public:
After yesterday’s group Mr. E and I went grocery shopping. He usually sleeps through shopping, but I guess I pushed him a little too far because when I was about four items from being done, he let me know he was done! I tried holding him to calm him, but when a milk mama holds their baby and he’s hungry, you can’t deny what he wants. So, I decided, if my child is hungry and I am in the grocery store, he still gets to eat. I unsnapped my bra, and put him on, pulling my shirt down as much as I could to at least try to be discrete, and continued pushing the cart to finish up the shopping. No one said anything to me and my baby was happy.

Sleep:
Three nights ago we had one of our worst sleep nights. Almost as bad as the second night home when Mr. E wiggled his way into our bed. It was awful, A and I were so tired. Then two nights ago he slept in TWO three hour increments! I had no idea how much I missed REM sleep! And last night he had a three and a half hour stretch. Progress. I can only hope it continues.

Depression:
Two nights ago a little liquid accidentally landed in the key board area of my beloved MacBook, Zac. Zac hasn’t worked since - when I hit the power button the machine turns on but the screen is black. I used A’s computer to see what others had to say when their MacBook had a drink and then blacked out. Seemed like the first step was to turn it off, remove the battery and let it sit open to dry for a few days. I turned it on this morning. Nothing. I’m holding out hope that my local Apple Store can fix it.

Cloth Diapering:
So far, so good. The switch has cleared up Mr. E’s diaper rash, and he’s so cute in CDs. We had planned to mostly use prefolds and just get a handful of diapers, but man, the prefolds are a pain in the ass. We’ll still use them, but I also ordered a whole bunch of Fuzz.iBuns. They should arrive today. I’ve also been busy sewing fleece inserts for the prefolds. I’m so glad we made the switch.

A and I didn’t plan on practicing attachment parenting. I am not sure that we had a ‘parenting plan’ and surely we’re still figuring it out, and will be for a long long time. However, Mr. E seems to come from the school of AP. It started when, on our second night home from the hospital, he insisted on sleeping in our bed. Most recently, he’s decided he wants to be worn ALL THE TIME! During the day he used to sleep in his bassinet in the living room, but recently he’s decided it’s much better to sleep on one of us in either the Baby Bjorn or Ergo carriers. I wear this baby all freaking day and night. And when he has a hard time sleeping in the bed, he sleeps on me. So once again, he’s calling the shots and we are, for all intents purposes, carrying out attachment parenting. It’s a good thing we’re flexible.

I can’t believe how much bigger my heart feels since having Mr. E. He seriously has created more love than I can handle at times.

I love love love when he sleeps on my chest. In the wee hours of the morning, this is often the only way to soothe him back to sleep. And we both sleep, peacefully, and it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

The love and support my family has shown us is overwhelming, and sometimes brings me to tears. My Dad in particular, who hasn’t always been the most touchy-feely kind of guy, has done some pretty amazing things for us and his love for Mr. E is so great.

I tear up every time I replay the moment in my head just after I birthed Mr. E, and A announced, boy. That moment is the highlight of my life.

It’s hard to believe: this guy is ours, he loves us so much already, being his mother feels completely natural.

Having a newborn and being a first time mom sure is interesting. I’ve found myself doing things I never would have dreamed of doing in the past, or just not caring about stuff like I used to. Here are some examples:

• For the first two weeks of Mr. E’s life I spent more time in sweatpants and a nursing bra - getting a shirt on took too much time and with nursing every 2-3 hours I was constantly puling it up, so what was the point? Now that we’re into the third week I’ve managed to start fully dressing myself.
• I did a complete load of laundry in the middle of the night a few nights ago. I put it in after the 1am feeding and then switched it to the drier at the 4am feeding. This might be the craziest new mom thing I’ve done. I did have a reason. I have three decent nursing bras. Two were already in the laundry and the third one was on my body and covered in spit up. I knew I’d want a clean one in the morning…thus the middle of the night laundry.
• I am spent by 6pm every night, so I’ve taken to prepping dinner in the morning so that we just have to put it in the oven at dinner time. (This is not meant to sound like I cook every night - because that is the furthest thing from the truth, but when I do, this is the new routine.)
• I eat my food faster than I used to, and I used to eat damn fast.
• It does not phase me when I am covered in pee or spit up, I draw the line at poop. (Little boys love to spray their moms while being changed!)
• I’ve learned that Mr. E calls the shots. A and I swore he would not sleep in our bed. We have a co-sleeper that was next to the bed for easy nursing. Well, that lasted 1.5 nights. He’s been in our bed since our third night home. We tried the co-sleeper once more and he woke after an hour. I now refer to the co-sleeper as the no-sleeper. None of us sleep when we try to put him down in there.

Hello Bloggers,

Well this being a new mommy thing has kept me busy and left with little time to post - though I am still reading your blogs daily. For the most part we are all doing really well. Sometimes the sleep deprivation pushes me over the edge and it’s not easy being the milk mama night after night, hour after hour. But I am not complaining. I love the bonding Mr. E and I experience and I do fall back to sleep quickly. I just don’t know why he can sleep four hours at a time during the day and only 2 -3 hours at a time at night (perhaps I should just count my blessings that he sleeps 2-3 hour stretches at night).

A went back to student teaching last Tuesday and my mom came for the week. Mr. E and I had a lot of fun with my mom. We went shopping, out to lunch, and planned a ‘meet Mr. E party’ for when we go to the Cape next month. Mom spoiled us by buying take out (delivery, no less) every night! She does not have this luxury where she lives and loves to indulge when she visits us.

Mr. E continued his visiting when he meet my cousin and her partner yesterday and then spent this morning with my dad who drove out to visit for the day. He’s got another visitor coming this afternoon, one of my best friends from childhood. It’s so great to see all these people and to get to show Mr. E off, but I am also exhausted and plan to start implementing nap time starting tomorrow. I will nap at least once every day. I’ve only taken about two naps since he came home, and it’s starting to show…

I’ve written a bit in the past about our sick cat, Lou. He’s had digestive problems for four years and we’ve carried out an intense daily medical regimen for the last year and a half. When he got sick in December we were told the medicine was no longer working and our only option was surgery (seriously, the Vet would not talk about euthanasia - that’s a whole other story). After much thought A and I decided the next time he got sick we needed to put him down. We felt the surgery was extreme and his quality of life post surgery was questionable. He was doing really well, and had been off meds for two weeks, but yesterday he got sick really fast, and it was clear he was in so much pain that we could not make him wait till Monday when out Vet was open, so we opted to take him to an emergency animal hospital and had him put to sleep last night. It was really really really hard. Not a decision we made lightly, but we know we did the right thing. He was eerily quiet on the ride there (he usually cries and bangs around in his carrier when in the car) and didn’t make a peep once inside the hospital (he usually hisses upon entering the Vet’s office). I took his silence as a sign that he was ready to go, that he’d fought long enough. We’ll miss you Lou.

I know I said I wanted a girl. But I am so glad I had a boy. And not any boy. This boy. I look at him and fall in love over and over. I can’t imagine having any other baby. It makes all the pain of ttc, and all the failed cycles, and all the anovulatory cycles, and all the anguish wash away, because we got this boy. And I don’t want any other baby.