Category Archive

I told A. that I would not let myself fully attach to the KD idea until we knew it was a definite go ahead.

Of course, on some level, I attached to the idea, but I really tried hard not to. The KD route has blown up on us before.

The ideal KD is done. over. fini. I won’t share the details. I don’t blame our friend one bit.

I will start using frozen sperm again next cycle. A. says she’s done considering KDs. I can’t imagine ever finding one as amazing as the one we just lost. Who knows?

I am tired, sad, and moving on.

I’ve been really busy at work and home, so I have not had time to post, and I am really tired…need to go to bed now.

I will post soon about my take on the unique challenges of two uteri homes, per Charlotte’s request.

I am nearing ovulation, and I know this primarily because I have a walnut sized bump near my left ovary. And secondarily because I used my monitor this morning for the second time this month and got a peak (temped for the first time). Judging from the pressure near my ovary, I imagine it will burst in the next 12 - 14 hours. Who needs obsessive charting when you can just LISTEN to your body?! I may not even renew my FF membership that’s up in 4 days. Whoa I am going crazy with this not charting thing!

KD texted me tonight to tell me he has his appointment for his tests next week. I am working on getting the contract ready to send to him (deleting old KD’s info and inputting his).

Okay, I am off to bed now. More interesting posts later…

In a mater of hours we’ll bid farewell to 2006 and welcome 2007. Our plans for the evening are still very much up in the air, and it seems like we will be spending it with friends from various parts of our lives. The only thing I know for sure, I want to see the fireworks in Noho tonight.

2006 was not a particularly exciting year for us. We did not experience any major life changes (stayed in our jobs, etc). The year did start with the exciting prospect of a kd, accompanied with a this is too good to be true feeling…after lots of emotional negotiation and one insemination cycle, the whole thing fell apart and we realized it had been too good to be true.

We took many months off in order to figure out our next step and to help my body recover from the stress induced anovulatory cycles. After many great ovulatory cycles, we were ready to start again, but had a new plan: frozen, identity release, in office IUI. September arrived, and we were so excited to be trying again. The only thing was, I was nearing the end of a five week stretch where I was working close to 18 hours a day, was pulled in 100 directions, and sure enough it was enough to create an anov cycle. We should have known it would happen like that. I know better than to think my body would not react as it did. But instead, I was so hopeful and then absolutely devastated when the September (and October, because it takes me two cycles to get back to normal) cycle were canceled. I was ready to give up and hand off this TTC project to A. Beside the kd falling through, this was the most difficult TTC episode.

By November, my body was back to normal and we started with IUI. Two cycles later I am still not pregnant. As previously posted, I struggled with this a lot last week. I was in a real rut. Then we started talking about foster parenting, and I gleaned a shimmer of hope. Adoption still feels unattainable, but maybe possible through foster care. And of course just two nights ago there was the offer of a kd. I am cautiously optimistic. He needs to get through all the testing before I can really let myself get fully excited about him.

Provided his tests all come back okay, I don’t think it will take us long to get everything in order and start trying again. We already have a lawyer and a contract, we’d just need to change the name on it, etc. He knows our stance as far as what we want in a kd, and he is very clear that he does not want children, and would not want any kind of visitation, other than our usual getting together. He remembered that one of the big problems with the previous kd was that he wanted biweekly visits (and he lives 3 hours away)! New kd, scoffed at that idea.

It is ironic that at the end of this year, I find we are in the same holding pattern we were in one year ago. Halting the frozen sperm and making plans with a kd. I know that kd plans can fade, just as quickly as they start, and I am prepared for this not to work, but for now, it’s exciting. I hope more than anything that it does work. That we all come to a place where we want to move forward and that a little babe is produced. And I hope that at the close of 2007 I will have a baby to blog about, or at least pregnancy.

Come on lucky 2007!

Three nights ago I was I really down about trying to get pregnant. It hit me out of no where, and I felt totally hopeless.

The next day, I was still feeling depressed, but not as emotional.

Last night, I got the best gift ever.

Our very good friend is visiting. He’s known about our journey from the beginning, including our awful experience with a known donor (kd). Last night we asked him if he’d ever considered being a kd for us, and with out any hesitation he said, “yes, I’ve thought about, I’d do it for you, and I’d sign the papers” (to terminate his rights). Just like that. He was solid in his response.

I couldn’t help but cry, I was so happy, and really can’t imagine any other kd. He is one of my very best friends. As the conversation progressed, he let us know, he’s already spoken to his mom about how she’d feel if he ever were presented with the opportunity to donate. Her response, “I think it would be great for you.”

So, now we are on the kd route again…he’s going to have all the tests done and we’ll start as soon as possible. This will provide a natural break - I’ve been talking to A. about how I needed a break. I can feel my body responding to the stress and sadness I’ve been feeling, and I don’t want to go into another annovulatory period like I did last spring. We’ll sit out the January cycle and hopefully start up with with the kd in February.

The last three days have been amazing.

We left on Saturday to go to the Cape for our first sperm date. We got there and went out for dinner with my parents and our nephew. And then it was on to baby making.

We’d planned to use the house my grandparents lived in before passing away- also the house my brother and SIL are getting ready to buy and move into. This is to say, there was minimal furniture available. But there was a couch and a bed. KD came over at 8 o’clock pm sharp as planned. We all talked for a little while- we were all so excited and a little nervous. During this time I asked him when his birthday is. He replied Feb. 17th. My heart melted. That was my grandfather’s birthday, the grandfather who lived in the house we were in. And he was an amazing Grampy. So 2/17 is a date that I am very fond of.

Once we’d talked for a little while he went to do his thing while A. and I waited out side. It was a crisp and clear night, an unusually warm night for January in New England. As we waited our anticipation grew along with out excitement. This was finally happening! I gazed at the stars and swear I could see each and everyone. As I did so, I thought, seeing a shooting star could only be a positive sign. And then I saw it! The most amazing and furthest shooting star I’ve ever seen. I knew then all things in the universe were okay, and because I believe in signs, I took it as a hug from my Grampy. I pictured him shining down on me and wishing us all the success in the world.

It didn’t take KD too long. He left the cup wrapped in a towel, hugged us and wished us well. My nest was all made and it was time. We did the insemination. We couldn’t believe how much more sperm we had as compared to when we used frozen sperm. We filled the syringe five times! I can’t find words to describe how excited and thankful I was to hold that cup of fresh sperm. It made me feel more hopeful and I had a sense that this really could happen. A. later told me she felt the same. We went to bed shortly after the insem.

Now at this point we thought I would ovulate on Sunday- Monday at the LATEST (+OPK was on Friday night). So we tentatively made a plan for insem #2 on Sunday. Due to terrible sleep Saturday night, my temp was useless and we decided to go ahead with the second insem. He came over again Sunday and we pretty much did the same thing. We’d only planned to do two insems per cycle, but he offered a third for Monday if we thought we needed it. To our surprise I did not ovulate Monday either. Given that I hadn’t ovulated and we are sperm crazed, we took him up on the third insem. Then we left for home Monday night. My temp took a huge dip this morning, indicating I ovulated today. We feel great about our timing. We continue to love our KD more and more. He really is amazing. I told him we felt like we’ve hit the lottery with him as our KD and he said me too.

A. and I are practicing positive thinking and sending fertile vibes to my uterus. So while I am trying to be positive, I am trying to fight off the this won’t work thoughts that are inevitable. I also don’t want to get too excited. This is our third cycle TTC and first with fresh sperm. My midwife told me before we started she thought it should take me 3-6 cycles. So here’s hope third times a charm.

The holidays are over and life is returning to the natural routines. I returned to work last week. And we are back to eating healthy foods, etc… I know life has returned to normal because as of 4:30 yesterday I went oncall for work. I hate being oncall. I am always so happy when I wake in the morning after not having been paged to respond to an emergency overnight. I seem to have caught some version of A.’s illness, but it’s not all that bad. I stayed home sick yesterday and am still a little under the weather today. My kitty is helping me get better and giving me lots of love and attention.

Things are progressing with the KD, but I am frustrated with the waiting, and not knowing if the test will be back in time or if the contract will be made in time. Ovulation will be around 1/27. He went in for the tests last Wednesday. We are waiting for the results before drawing up the contract because we don’t want to spend the money until we know all is clear. A. and I are okay inseminating with out the contract for this round but we’re not sure how he feels about it. For any KD users (and other wise women) what are you thoughts on this?

It was great to take this cycle off and I am glad I did. With all the traveling and lack of sleep my chart is a mess. I think I would have gone nuts trying to pin point ovulation this cycle. We’ve decided to ax the “pregnancy cocktail” I’ve been on and put the fertility books away. They are making us crazy. I will continue with my vitamins, but all the teas and fertility foods, etc. seem to stress me out more and as such are counteractive. Warning TMI: I had my best fertile mucus this month- while not taking the preggo cocktail, and instead taking Tylenol PM, drinking, and other no nos. When I was drinking teas and eating certain foods at certain times I noticed less FM. One really could go insane following all the TTC instructions. My mother’s friends who conceived with a KD advised us to put this all away and to channel our energy towards conception in a more meditative manner. They recommended a book they used, Creative Visualization, by Shakti Gawain. My mother ordered the book and had it sent to us. It just arrived so I have not read it yet, but am interested to see what it’s all about.

Sometimes I think this process has already made me insane. But I have always believed the old saying everything happens for a reason. So I do believe there is greater meaning to this journey and some day I hope to know what it is.

What a difference one week makes. Last Monday I was frantic about my impending ovulation and this Monday I am praying the inseminations we did last week did not work! It’s been a long time since I hopped I was not pregnant…of course if I am, it will be a good thing.

We met with the KD last night. I’ll call him D. we spent the better part of the day at a christening and party (he is the Godfather). It was a lot of fun (despite the fact that I’d only gotten 4 hours of sleep and drove three and a half hours through a snow storm only to get there late—2 minutes before the christening ended). But the party was fun and I caught up with people that I had not seen in 5 and 10 years. It was a lot of fun to see them and to be there to celebrate with our friends.

After the party A. and I went out with D to talk. As we drove there we were both really nervous. We set right in talking and he told us a little bit about how he’d considered donating to a friend several years ago, but that it didn’t work out. We told him our journey so far and why we backed out of our previous KD option. He is very excited and willing to donate. He wants to be involved with any children we’d have, but in a non-threatening way. He loves kids, and is very good with them, but is at a point where he does not want to be a primary full-time (or even part-time) parent. He even indicated he did not necessarily need the child(ren) to know he is the bio dad and that whenever we thought it was right to tell would be fine with him. We don’t see any reason to keep it a secret if he is okay with it being known. I was very clear that we are excited about the idea of using a KD and for him to have a relationship with any children we create, but that he would not be a “dad” and that we will need him to surrender his parental rights in order for A. to adopt the child(ren). He was aware of this and had no problem with it. He further talked about his family and how supportive they’d been when he was going to do this before and that they would lovingly welcome our child into their family to the extent that we are comfortable involving them.

We left it that we are very interested, but before we make any decision we need to see if I am indeed pregnant. I told him we’d be in touch and we planned to get together over the Christmas holiday so A. and I could meet his family. I am left so happy about the prospect of knowing the donor and having him involved, and hopping that I am not pregnant from the last round of inseminations. Five more days and we’ll have a better idea.

I am also excited to take a BREAK from TTC! We probably wouldn’t start with him till late January at the earliest, possibly February. I need an emotional break from charting and stressing. I think it will be really good for me and also will give me a chance to continue to work on lengthening my luteal phase.

For those of you reading that have used a KD—what advice do you have as we begin the process of drawing up the legal paper work and STD testing for him? Or any other advice? Thanks so much!

Things are moving fast. I spoke with the potential KD tonight and we made a plan to meet and talk on Sunday. In our short conversation over the phone he disclosed that two years ago he almost served as a KD for a friend but she decided to go another route.

We are excited to talk with him and if nothing else this is giving me something to think about while in the tww.

It’s weird to be so open to this, and possibly be pregnant from this week’s insemination. Really it’s crazy making! On the one hand I want to be pregnant- I’ve been dreaming about being able to tell family at Christmas, and on the other hand I am eager to explore the KD. What ever will be will be.

So A. and I are planners. We make lots of plans, and sometimes we’ve even made rash decisions from one night of planning. We’ve picked up on this pattern and now try to hold off on making decisions and certainly try not to tell too many people when we are cooking up something new. For example there was our commitment ceremony. We started planning a year in advance, June 2002 to be exact. We paid a deposit for the location, ordered invitations, selected a caterer, signed a rental contract for tables, chairs, etc. And then in February, just four months before the ceremony, we called it off. Now I’d like to think that a major part of why we called it off was the fact that I was in my final semester of graduate school and was losing my mind! But I know there were other reasons- none of which had anything to do with our commitment to each other. We bagged the whole thing, got most of out money back, thankfully we had not sent our beautiful invitations and we spontaneously flew to Aruba and had a private ceremony with just the two of us. It was perfect- and we got a vacation out of it! Of course we did go through with a wedding in 2004 when it became legal - and we employed many of the lessons we learned from planning the first one. First lesson- keep it small!

This is just one of many examples of us planning and then switching gears suddenly. So how does this relate to us trying to get pregnant? Well you see, a possible known donor has come into our lives. Yup, we thought we were through with that. We’d decided annon was the way for us to go, blah, blah, blah.

It all started back in August. I was at a large function with my nephew (4 months old at the time) and several friends. A man, who I’ve know for a long time and is very good friends with a friend of mine, was mistaken for my husband and my nephew as our child! (A. was not there.) After that he mentioned to our mutual friend that he would love to have children with me (he is gay). The friend kind of laughed it off to him but later told me what he’d said. Nothing came of it, because after all we were dead set against using a known donor.

Fast forward to November. I see him again at my friend’s adoption, this man is the Godfather for the little girl. It was a little weird because I knew how he felt but we’d never talked about it. I wondered if he’d bring it up, but was glad he didn’t. After all, we’ve started using annon donor and that’s the only way for us. A couple weeks go by and I talk to my friend. She knows we just finished round two and she is super supportive. I called her today and she brings it up again. She tells me he wanted to talk to me when he saw me and was looking forward to seeing me at the christening this weekend. She informs him I won’t be there. He asks her if he could just call me. I am not sure if she gave him my number, but I bet she did.

So now I feel crazy. We already went through the known donor thing. And we came out of the opinion that we are more comfortable not having a third party involved. But now I am being forced to re-evaluate why I did not want it and I am coming to realize it was more about the known donor we were considering than a known donor. Sure there are still things that freak me out about a KD—like all the legal crap we’d have to deal with and involving a third party in our family. This KD is appealing to us and it’s quite flattering that he wants to be involved.

A. and I talked about it tonight and we realize we need more information. We need to know what he wants out of it. What kind of relationship he’d expect to have etc. But we are open to talking with him. Of course there’s always a chance that I’ll get prego this cycle and we still have two vials left in storage that we’d want to use. We are thinking that we’ll meet up with him over Christmas to explore this option a little further and begin the dialogue.

For the time being, just having this as something to think about is mind boggling. A. is drawing up a pros and cons list, and I am sure we’ll continue to talk this to death, as we do many major decisions. I’ll keep ya posted.