Category Archive

Yesterday I felt crampy, period crampy. Usually in the days before my period, I get dull cramps in the wee hours of the morning. Today, the same cramps palgued me around five am. So much so that I could have taken ibuprofen, if only I weren’t so lazy and didn’t want to get out of bed.

Instead, I lay there, knowing I am not pregnant. Sad. Tired. Really so tired, not because it was 5am (I went to bed at 9:30), tired of this. Tired of all the emotional work. The start of my cycles, the drugs, temping, the ultra sounds, the opks, the monitor, the phone calls to the midwives, the iuis. Tired of thinking it could work, tired of spending two weeks waiting for the news I so desperately want, tired of never getting that news. Tired of crying.

I am so tired of having so many people involved in this process. They are all great, but I am not sure I have articulated the added stress. I hate to inconvenience people, and that’s what I do every month. I need to be fitted in, when I need it. Not because I am a bitch, but because ovulation has its own schedule. I am sick of fighting with the receptionists at the MWs office, me insisting I need to speak to a MW today. I am tired of buying sperm. $7,000 and counting. SEVEN THOUSAND! And that does not include, all the sticks: monitor, opk, and pregnancy tests. Nor the monthly storage fees. And you know what, seven thousand dollars is nothing compared to what we’ve paid emotionally. I bet we’re into the millions now.

I know it isn’t over till I bleed, but I am not a fool, I know my body. I know all too well which days leading up to bleeding I: break out, start cramping, and have sore breasts. How couldn’t I, I’ve been charting for eons. And then there’s that holiday tomorrow. A holiday I’ve never really cared about. Always recognized my mother, but kind of thought it was a weird holiday, so why am I so sad that it’s passing? Yet another holiday that makes me sad. Just like the previous two Christmases. It’s the passing of time, these holidays are like anniversaries that remind me I am still not pregnant. And I had really hoped for the ultimate mother’s day gift this year.

I may need a break. I don’t want to take a break. Breaks are part of why this is taking so effing long. I will try again next cycle since it’s the third cycle post HSG and thus my last extra fertile cycle, not that that’s made any difference so far. Then I may need to take the summer off.

There is nothing like taking your temp the morning after an iui and seeing a spike. Nothing. Absolutely nothing! (Let’s not talk about the monitor peaking this morning, I hate that thing, ever since clomid, opks are way more reliable!) My work is done for this cycle, now I have to leave it into the hands of a higher power. So glad to sit back and relax, the days leading up to ovulation are so stressful.

CD 16, 5am - I wake up, an hour early, and know that I should take my temp now even though it’s early because moving around will give a false reading. After several attempts to see if I really turned it on, I get my reading, 97.1 (f). A wave of relief washes over me, I have not spiked yet. As I make my way to the bathroom to poas for the monitor, I feel giddy, I always get that “christmas morning” feeling when I think my monitor will peak. I even wait with it for the full five minutes instead of bringing it back to bed with me. All for what? A “high” reading, so I open an opk (I’ve learned to always pee in a cup and never toss it till you are done dipping sticks). I waited for the opk results. Almost, positive, like the two yesterday.

I crawled back into bed. A. asks, “did you peak.” And I give her the bad news. Five minutes later she asks, “do you still want me to go get the sperm?” I reply, “I don’t know.” I think we have the same middle of the night conversation every cycle. She decides she’ll go with her plan and get up at 7 to call the lab then go get it. (A has taken sperm fetching on as her job through this process.)

I overslept and rushed out of bed to jump in the shower. My life revolves around four hour increments this time of my cycle and I realized I could take and other opk at 9am…if I can wait that long! I made it through my shower and then figured it would be fine to test at 8:15 instead of 9. Holy effing +opk! Relieved to have tested again so I had some real news to give my MW when I phone in at 8:30. We made a plan that I will have her paged at 4:30 and we’ll make a plan for time and place for the iui. Of course, this is the one night I was supposed to work this week…but what can ya do?

So, the monitor did not peak, my temp went down… last clomid cycle looked the same, so I except a +opk tonight and a peak in the morning with ovulation sometime tomorrow (I am convinced my LH surge comes within 12 hours of ovulation, I am a freak of nature). My MW is on call tomorrow, so she’ll do the IUI if it’s tomorrow, which is so great. But I am not getting too excited yet.

Also…our lady from DSS called to set up our initial safety inspection! She’s coming next Monday!!!! Oh my Goddess! Good thing we just got our carbon monoxide detectors installed last week! Those that have been through this, please tell us what to expect. It’s just the first home inspection, but i have no idea what she’s looking for.

All of a sudden I feel crazy for ttc and pursuing adoption, but I know it’s the best thing for us right now.

Edited to Add:
I POAS just now and a second line is showing up…the surge is on the way!!!!

I went back to for a cd14 ultrasound today. I only have one good follie and it measured in at 2.6cm (what happened to the other two?). It could pop any time, or it could grow another cm, like last time! And since my opks and fertility monitor have yet to detect my LH surge, I’d say that little eggie is hanging in for little while longer. I guess my body just refuses to ovulate before cd16. So we wait. I just spoke with my MW and she’s betting I’ll get a peak on the monitor tomorrow morning. I want the tww, I hate the stress leading up to a perfectly timed IUI!

A. and I spent this morning with Wander Woman. Today her magic wand found more than a handful of follicles and three that are on there way to maturing- all of which are on the right side. On CD11 they are: 1.94, 1.89, & 2.04 cms. Wander Woman checked the right side first and then as she moved over to the left she said: “let’s see what’s on the left, hopefully for you, nothing.” We all laughed. There were a few wanna be follies, but they probably won’t make it. This is early for me to have follies so close to maturing and I may get three!? Given their size, I’d bet the IUI will be Monday. It seems as if the Clomid is doing its job. And doing it better than last time. Holy Fucking Shit!

I am leaving in a few hours to spend the weekend here celebrating my Dad’s birthday with my family. So you can imagine my heartache when she spotted the 2.04 cm follie! But she assured me, I should be fine to go away for the weekend with an average growth rate of .2cms per day, I’ve got a couple days before they burst.

Today is day four of Clomid, and I’ve had NO side effects. None.

Last cycle on Clomid I was a mess and felt so sick. The difference is so drastic that I am beginning to wonder if they gave me the correct pills. My sceptical side won’t feel reassured until my first ultra sound this Friday.

A. placed our babyjuice order yesterday so our new swimmers will arrived here Thursday in time for insem(s) next Tuesday/Wednesday.

As we gear up for try number 8 (charting cycle number 21) we find ourselves in the hopeful moments. Last night A. said to me, It’s going to work this time. And so started the conversation, yes it could work, but… This led us to talk about the  cycle days that we like (we know how to have fun on a Friday night!). We agreed insemination day(s) are our favorite days when excitement and hope surrounds us. Two dpo is also a fun day, but by 4 dpo we are usually losing hope and find our selves strung out trying to make the tww pass. A. also likes cd 4-6, where there’s no work (I think she forgot about Clomid). She said it’s nice at the start when I don’t temp and don’t poas ten times a day (okay, more like one to four times in a day, depending on how close I am to ovulation). I get what she meant, so I’d say I like all of cd 4 and most of cd 5, but as soon as the drugs go into me on cd 5 night, I long for cd 11 when they are flushed from my system and I return to a normal sane human being. It’s a miracle that we are as happy as we are given we generally enjoy about five days of my cycle every month…

There is no way on Earth that I am pregnant. Not this time, and not the previous six tries. Seven failed attempts, four iuis, one Clomid cycle, and I start to think this is a huge waste of our time and resources. We have no sperm left, I hate how Comid makes me feel, neither of us really think I’ll ever get pregnant…and we’ve devised yet another game plan.

I will have the stupid HSG, during my VACATION, in two weeks. I’m taking this next cycle off, due to travel around ovulation. We’ll spend our tax refund on baby juice (how many thousands of dollars have we spent buying sperm?). I will try at least three more Clomid/iui cycles before making any more changes (this will put me at seven iui cycles, four with Clomid). After that we’ll see if:

1. I want to pursue any further interventions (I said I’d never do iuis, or Clomid…and now I wonder how far I will go…and I really don’t know if I would do IVF or not).
2. I may stop ttc all together.
3. I may take a break for the summer (remember, I don’t work in the summer, and spend my days at the beach on Cape Cod, so iuis do present a challenge, or at least a really long drive).
4. We’ll move to adoption.

Technically we’re already doing #4. Part of the current plan is to start the adoption process, while I am still trying, and go with which ever one works out first. We are mostly looking at adoption through foster care. I’ve referenced MARE numerous times before. We don’t know a lot about adoption, and we don’t think we can afford adoption through an agency. If you’ve used an agency, PLEASE share!

The MARE option provides the opportunity to adopt children from with in our state (a great thing if the child does want to keep any contact with family — in some cases, the children express an interest to remain in touch with siblings or grandparents—and we’d also be open to adopting a sibling group, maybe up to three). Because the children are in foster care, and placing them in a permanent home is in the best financial interest of the state, the adoption process is free, which of course is very appealing after already having spent thousands of dollars ttc.

It’s a lot to wrap my head around. I spoke with a friend yesterday who lost her own infertility battle (four IVFs) and has since adopted through foster care. I feel so fortunate to have someone I can talk to who’s been through it all, and has come out on the other side. She does not judge and she gets it. I started telling her we are looking into adoption and she got sooooo excited, but then I was waffling back to the part where I am still pumping meds into my body and trying. And she said, “you’re at the point where you want to know you’ve exhausted all your resources. You don’t want to look back and wonder what if I tried…” For her it was what if the fourth IVF worked? When it didn’t, she knew she was done. I don’t know when I’ll be done. But I feel good about ttc while pursing adoption. Everything will happen as it is meant to and the child we’re meant to mother will find us. We can’t control it, we need to open up and let the Universe deal the cards.

A true quote I uttered in frustration while waiting for my iui today…read on…

The +opk was followed by a peak on the monitor this morning. It was a hassle to get in for an iui this morning. I continue to think some of the folks that work at my MW’s office have no idea about how precise the timing must be. After being told “no one could do it today.” I broke down while on hold. Luckily, she came back to tell me I could come in at 10:30–by then the MW on-call anticipated being out of delivery. We arrived to find she was not and space cadet MW was doing the iui. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour and 15 minutes we were ushered behind the scenes. At the last minute another MW stepped in to do the iui, and I was so thankful. She was quick, but not as quick or painless as my MW and some of the others, but I was happy not to have space cadet. My darling wife thought ahead to bring me lunch, a granola bar, that I ate while laying there with my feet up. How did it become Noon when I went in for a 10:30 iui?

I’ve realized that AI must be my MW’s specialty and the others MWs just are not as experienced / knowledgeable. If it weren’t for my MW, I would probably look into other practices- their reception is terrible and some of the MW’s seem to have very little AI training. That is the trade off I make for not wanting an RE, and I wouldn’t conceive of leaving my MW. I love her so much!

I think I’ve ovulated and if not it’s just around the corner. I still have some pain near my left ovary, but I think it has more to do with internal stretching from the 3.5cm follie. God I hope this one works. I have hope, but it’s kind of a hopeless hope, if that makes any sense. As I was lying on the table, I was not overjoyed and excited, as I have been in the past (well as excited as one can get in stirrups). I felt the doom of the impending HSG, more Clomid cycles, purchasing more sperm, and continuing on this ttc journey.

You may have noticed a lack of posts about an iui over the weekend. It didn’t happen. My opks and monitor did not detect a surge. But I could still feel intense ovulation pain on my left side and my bbt remains low.

I called my MW’s office at 8:30 this morning to check in and see what to do. As I hoped, they sent me for an ultrasound. Now, I have become quite chummy with my u/s tech, “Wander Woman.” WW is so nice and always squeezes me in even when she’s booked. Right off she was very happy with my thick endometrium. While it was okay on Friday, she said it was much thicker today, “nice and fluffy and ready to receive” were her exact words. Then she starts wanding me. No fluid. Phew. She quickly scanned Lefty on her way over to Righty and could tell it was bigger. I then told her how I lovingly refer to them as Righty and Lefty, and she started doing it too! Have I mentioned that I love this woman?

Righty measured in at 2.6cm and Lefty at 3.5cm. Holy Clomid the wonder drug! It feels like I’ve pulled a muscle near my left ovary. As I dressed and was getting ready to leave WW wished me good luck and asked me to let her know any good news. She is so kind and has really become a part of my ttc journey…yet another woman involved in getting me knocked up, seriously how many will it take? When I got to my car I called my MW’s office. I spoke with two MWs and made a plan for an iui tomorrow.

I just got home from work and my opk turned positive in less than a minute! I have so much hope for this cycle. Two plump eggs and hopefully a perfectly timed iui in the works.

Clomid kicked my ass, but I have to say it was worth it to get these great eggs. I am ready to chill out in the tww and am thankfully super busy at work so hopefully the time will fly by.

Edited to add: I’m going in for an iui at 10:30 this morning!

My u/s this morning showed my left follie at 2.34cm, righty lost this month measuring in at 1.8cm. My endometrium thickened up (was very thin two days ago) so no progesterone for me! My midwife predicts a peak / +opk Saturday setting us up for a Sunday insemination (sadly she is flying out to San Fran tomorrow so my care will be turned over to another MW, but Space Cadet MW is not on call so I should be just fine). With one vial, we have to nail this one.

Please send you postivie, sticky baby makin’ vibes our way!

I am three days late.

All hpts have been negative so far.

Period signs are no where in sight.

I am calling my midwife Monday morning to see about having a beta.

A. thinks I am pregnant, she reminded me one of the most reliable ways to know is a missed period. Only about 3% of me thinks I am pregnant.

I thought for sure that my bbt would spike the morning after my last post, and ovulation would be confirmed and I would know for sure that this was all done. Was I ever wrong! My bbt has been low and flat for days. Maybe my thermometer is dying, or malfunctioning. My body is starting to feel the way it does after ovulation…with respect to mucus, or lack there of, if you catch my drift…

Overall I feel better. I’m still wicked bummed that the timing was probably off, but am not as stressed and freaked out as I was. Maybe it has to do with the fact that I’ve been to two yoga classes and one pilates class this week. Go me!

I feel like the fertilty goddesses kicked me while I was down.

As if last week was not bad enough, why oh why did the efing OPK have to lie to me? Didn’t I say they don’t work? So why did I let the MWs talk me into suplementing the monitor with them? And why did I spend $45 alone on OPKs for this cycle?! The ultrasound made us somewhat confident that I’d ovualte on schedule, and according to the last one, I should have ovulated on Saturday at the latest. I guess the follies decided to take a little nap for several days…

I am frustrated.

I am frustrated because we only have one vial left. No chance in hell of bio siblings if that one works. (Sometimes I wonder why I worry about bio siblings when we can’t seem to have one child, and question if we’d even put ourselevs through this again if it ever did work.)

I am frustrated that we essetianlly just spent >$1,000 for nothing. It’s different when we time it right and it does not work, but to know there is no chance, makes it so much worse.

I am frustrated that this was my last unmedicated cycle. I have mostly made peace with starting fertility drugs, even though I swore *I would never take them* what the hell did I know? I certainly did not know how hard this would be or how invested I would become in carrying. Or how A. would start to question her desire to carry.

I am impatient and I want a freaking child already. And now I have to wait nearly a month to try again. The next time will be totally new, and will freak my body out in new ways (oh joy!). Some days I just don’t know if I am strong enough to go through this anymore. But I will not quit. TTC has been woven into the fabric of my everyday existence. I don’t even know how to be if I am not TTC. What would I blog about. What would I think about. What would I talk about. I know this sounds pathetic, but it really has become a huge part of how I define myself, and that is not pathetic.

I am so frustrated I want to scream … all day long.

So how am I going to take care of myself? Good question.

Yesterday I took a yoga class at my gym. Usually I just run at the gym. I like it and it makes my body feel good and it helps me sleep. Sometimes it helps to clear my mind, but not always. The yoga class I took really got to me. I’ve done yoga before and it’s always helped me. I realized that I need to do it more. I’ve never needed to do it more than I do right now. I need to do what ever I can to keep my body in balance. I tend to “take care” of myself by going out for a drink with co-workers after a particularly hard day. This is fun, but I think I need to spend more time in the yoga studio, and less time in the bar room. I need to help my body feel better and then maybe I will feel better. My plan is to do at least three yoga classes a week, and still run a couple times. Will someone please hold me accountable?

I did have a positive thing happen today. If you’ve been reading along, you know that I need a referral from my PCP whom I’d never met in order to have the infertility testing done by my MW, whom I am more than well acquainted with. While technically I only had to call to request this, I thought it might be a good time to meet my PCP and to get my headache meds refilled. I switched PCPs a year ago when my insurance changed. The practice I wanted to go to only had a male doctor accepting new patients at the time and well, I’ve never been too keen on having a male doctor, but they told me I could see any doctor there. For some reason I made the appointment with him for today. I was surprised that I LOVED him. He was super chill and very nice. He was genuinely interested in me, gave me the Rx I needed for my head, and was empathetic about my fertility issues. He alluded to the fact that he’d gone through infertility (not sure if was him or his wife). He was supportive of how hard it is and when I asked, he shared that he now has two daughters, one of whom is adopted. He asked a little about our journey and was really and truly interested. I never expected that I’d like him as much as I did. I know it’s wrong to be so judgemental, but I’ve always been more comfortable with female health care providers, and I have my reasons. He is one that I am excited to have as my PCP. It was a nice surprise.

This post is all over the place and ridiculously long. I am off to bed soon, so I can make it to my 6:45am yoga class, aren’t you proud of me?

Seems like I JUST ovulated, more than 48 hours after the last insemination. Sigh…

Edited to ask:
How long AFTER ovulation does fertile mucus usually come out…um…when you are going to the bathroom? I never really pay attention, but what are the chances that it takes a couple days? If it does then there is hope…but my temps have been down, so I am pretty sure we missed it. I am so pissed that we wasted two vials of sperm!

*you’ll have to read till the end to understand this title.

Here goes…

We are in the tww with IUI number three.

As confusing as my fertility signs were this month, I think we timed it well. We met my MW at the hospital around 7:30 last night. She was between births (she had three in all yesterday). She completed the procedure in record time– she is usually really quick, but this was quicker than ever. And then we hung out for a while.

I was nervous about a second IUI based on my bbt because space cadet MW is on call today. As I was expressing this concern to her, I realized I would take my bbt at 6am and she’d be on call till 8am, and since she’d be sleeping there it would not be a big deal for me to come in before 8am. She fully admitted that Space Cadet MW is the least experienced MW when it comes to IUIs. She said to page her if my bbt did not go up.

I had a terrible night sleep. I worried all night because I wanted so much to ovulate overnight and conserve the second vial. I woke at 5am and had to take my temp. It was 97.1, the same as it was yesterday. A. asked what it was and in a half sleep state we decided to skip the second IUI in effort to conserve. There was a fraction of a chance that the swimmers would make it if I ovulated soon…

I semi went back to sleep until my alarm went off at 6am. Then I started to regret the decision. How could I give up on this cycle after everything I’d done to make it work? But more importantly, how could half a$$ my last unmedicated cycle?

I got out of bed and went down stairs. It was dark out. I gazed out the window at the fresh fallen snow (we drove home last night in our first real snow storm!). I felt defeated. I wanted to cry. I did cry. Then I decided if I did not go in for the second IUI I would be miserable for the next two weeks, knowing I had missed ovulation with the first one and gave up on the second one.

I paged my MW. She said come in, but let me know she was trying to make it to a 7:30 spinning class (how does a 50 something woman, who’s been up for the better part of the last 24 hours, and has just delivered three babies go spinning at 7:30am!?). If we left right then we could have the insem and she could make her class.

I brushed my teeth, threw on fleece pants, pulled my hair back and out the door we went…no coffee…oh this was painful!

The whole thing was fast and then we did the usual hanging out for half an hour. But things got interesting as we were getting ready to leave. She left us alone in the exam room. As I was getting dressed I asked A. to look for a pad for me. She rummaged around and finally found one. For some reason, and I really don’t know why, I noticed this thing on the counter and was curious. I picked it up and it looked like a cross between an insemination catheter and a fishing pole. The following was printed on the handle part “Not for use in humans.”

A. and I have spent some time in exam rooms, and we’ve wondered what lots of things are, but this was a whole new level or wonder. Each visit provides tons of blogging material (although I usually forget by the time I get home). And this morning, I mostly joking, remarked that we should start bringing our camera. Then I remembered my cell phone camera. So I present to you the catheter-fishing pole that is not for use in humans. If you know what this is, please enlighten me!

I went in this morning for the follow up ultrasound. The other day there was a 1.3 cm on my left side and a tiny tiny tiny follicle on the right.

Today the left measured in at 1.2 and the right at 1.8.

What the hell is going on? the opks are showing some color, but are not positive. At this point we may do a Saturday insemination. My midwife advised against doing it if it were to happen after Saturday.

We chatted a bit today about what my insurance will cover and I let her know I’ve requested the referral that I need.

I am so sick of this cycle.

Lost: My Sanity.

I had a nice chat with my wonderful midwife this morning. She is sending me for another ultrasound tomorrow morning. The opks are showing a little line, but are far from positive. Though, I’ve never had a truly positive one.

I told her all about my new found infertility family history and she instructed me to call my insurance company in an effort to begin to understand what they will (not) cover. She instructed me to give as little information as possible and not to reveal that I don’t have a sperm source at home. A.’s response “great I love posing as heterosexual.” It does suck, but at least she is trying to help us get the most we can out of them. I need to make the call…but really don’t want to.

If the ultrasound gives us conclusive information we’ll probably go forward with the insemination tomorrow or Friday. The ultrasound is at the worst time tomorrow as far as work goes. I have to miss a meeting that I should really be at. My boss was understanding. I am glad that I’ve been able to tell her what I have, and she is supportive. I could tell she wanted me at the meeting, but understood that I just can’t be there.

I’ve managed to take Friday off this week, after much hassle. In the end my office mates told me a I need a day away, and they couldn’t be more correct. I can’t wait till Friday!

CD 13 and and I have one 1.3 follie. I am three to four days from what is typical ovulation, so there’s plenty of time for it to plump up. That’s the good news.

And now for the bad news…after my sil called last night to tell us she is pregnant, I called my mom and had a good crying fest with her. She has been in on this whole journey, she’s known how hard it’s been, and so on. And she found that after all this time, now would be a good time to tell me that she had a really hard time conceiving me, and thinks she had one miscarriage between my brother and I. And that it took my aunt SEVEN years to conceive her first child and FIVE the second. Um, me thinks this info would have been helpful a LONG time ago! Even more reason to start Clomid…

After that conversation I took a tylenol PM, and cried myself to sleep. I feel like shit today. But it could be worse, the monitor could have been right, and by now I would have ovulated. At least we can still try this cycle.

Took two OPKs on Sunday, both negative.

Got another peak on the monitor today (you always get two in a row…)

Negative OPK this morning.

Called the midwives. They wanted me to have an ultrasound to check my follies, but the tech was not in until the afternoon, and then could not fit me in until tomorrow morning! urgh…

Negative OPK this afternoon.

Ovulation pains are dissipating…

I think my egg already burst, and we missed it. I won’t fall apart until the ultrasound confirms that tomorrow.

I almost always ovulate on CD16, sometimes CD17. I get a peak reading on either CD 15 or 16.

Today is CD11, and I got a peak reading on my fertility monitor.

What’s different this cycle? New prenatal vitamins. Could my vitamins have changed ovulation that drastically? It seems like vitamins should not do this, but that is the only thing that is different.

I did not take my temperature this morning because I am sick and slept in, so I figured it wouldn’t be accurate. I am going to take an OPK in four hours, and A. is going to have a peak at my cervix…we were not expecting this until next Friday or Saturday. And if this is not it, the monitor is done for this cycle…which means temps and OPKs, and that is a scary thought!

I am sooooo not sitting this cycle out!

I am back from my IUI. My mid wife said our timing was perfect, my cervix was wide open with plenty of fertile mucus. The procedure was not too bad, I did feel a little cramping when she got the syringe into my uterus. Once it was in place she had A. push the swimmers in. We all hung out for half and hour while I kept my legs up the in air. We’re not going to do the second insemination because she said the timing was so perfect that it would be unnecessary.

We are officially in the two week wait….