Category Archive

As I drove home from Western MA last Saturday I called A. I’d been on the road for about two hours and had spent nearly every minute thinking about my experience in our old home. It’s hard to describe the way it felt to be there. I only went for a short trip- about 24 hours, but it was long enough to really be there. I carried on to A about how odd it was to drive the roads with such familiarity and at the same time, intellectually know it’s not my home anymore. She said, I know what you mean, wait till you read my blog. I really can’t say it any better than she did. So I’ve nixed the post I had drafted while driving home. But, as she said, Northampton will always hold a special place in my heart, and it does feel much like a first love, and like first loves, they often don’t last. So I bid farewell to Noho and will always love returning to visit.

I’ve kept quite about the transition at a time when A needed to pipe up. At times, it was hard to read what she wrote. I wondered if we’d made the right decision to relocate to my home town. It’s easy. natural. for me. But it’s a whole new reality for A. And she has quickly learned EVERYTHING happens through networking here. Somebody always knows someone who knows someone…and we’re all related too (I’m not even kidding). This can be overwhelming to an outsider. I’ve tried to support her as best I could. Things got pretty bad before they started to get better. And now, A really seems to have a plan. I am so happy to see her taking action in effort to get a job that will help her get a teaching job. Fingers are crossed that this one works out.

We’ve both been working part time which leaves Mr. E in his aunt’s care for two hours a week. But it’s left both A and I wanting something. She wants to work full time. I want to stay home full time. I’d like to cut my hours in half (down to 10, but not more than 15). If A gets the job she’s interviewing for I will have to cut my hours, as we won’t have childcare, and day care isn’t an option for us - we can’t afford it and even if we could, we don’t want Mr. E in DC. If she gets the job, we both get what we want. So will all of you please join me next Wednesday at 8am to hope/pray/whatever that: 1)the interview goes well, 2)that A wants to work there, and 3)that they want her to work there.

As A says, “we’re on the sandbar.” It’s been a little more than a week since we managed to pack all our belongings (ok, most, we had to part with some items that would not fit) into a UHaul and drive away from the place we moved to five years ago, with every intention of setting down roots and raising a family. We were sad as we drove away, in separate vehicles, A with the over stuffed UHaul, me with the baby. We’ve made the same trip East, hundreds of time since moving there but I can’t describe the feeling of leaving it all behind. There are things we’ll miss, friends we’ll miss, places we’ll miss, but our lives here feel full in ways that kept coming up short there.

The whole process has been quite over-whelming. The week leading up to the move may go down as one of the most stressful. Ever. Let’s just say that together we experienced enough transitions to last a few years. In all there were only two melt downs (one for each of us) and our boy was perfect. Moving day, while always exhausting, went quickly when many of my co-workers and students and A’s former co-workers descended on us. Mr. E was bounced from person to person while our truck was loaded. And many helping hands meant our stuff was packed into the truck rather quick. My heart warmed having so many people show up to help us.

We spent an exhausting three days unpacking and getting set up, while also working through the emotions that come with such a transition. In the middle of those three days we attended an orientation for the church we planned on joining. Crazy? Yes. The orientations are only offered four times a year and are a required step in becoming a member. We want to have Mr. E dedicated (this is Unitarian Universalist for baptized) over the summer, and while we could have him dedicated without being members, my catholic guilt wouldn’t let me. Heck, what was one more thing in the middle of all we were doing?

By Sunday night A and I were unpacked and starting to feel somewhat normal. We are very comfortable in our new home, at my parent’s house (for those wondering, we passed on the condo. There are too many financial unkowns for us at this time). We have a good relationship with them and it’s very nice to have built in babysitters, support, and let’s not forget the hot tub! That was essential after moving boxes all weekend!

I started my part time job on Monday. I am working for my father helping to run his business. So far I’ve mostly been organizing the office (it’s a NIGHTMARE) and also have started looking into some really cool techy marketing tools. I love my job- you’ve NEVER heard me say that before! I love that it’s stress free, that it’s flexible and part time, and that it allows us to work my hours around A’s hours, thus avoiding daycare. And I am enjoying what I am doing. I mean, one project I am working on is kind of like blogging!

A started her job on Tuesday. She’s enjoying having structure again and has already begun networking with the elementary school principals. She left one meeting with the principal trying to create a part time job utilizing A’s experience working with English Language Learners. She needs to get her foot in the door some how and this would do it! Everything is just coming together for us in ways we never imagined possible.

Mr. E had a very difficult growth spurt last week. It was by far our worst night. He cried, no screamed all night, unless one of us was holding and bouncing him. A couple times we’d trick him into thinking we were standing and bouncing when really we were laying down and bouncing him while he laid across our chests. He never slept more than an hour like this. He wore himself out and finally went to sleep in his crib from 7-11am. The next couple of days he remained crabby, but now he’s back to his cheerful, mellow self. He’s loving having his cousins around all the time -he and J, who are five months apart are too cute together and so interested in each other.

It was a long process to get here, and we remain in a semi-permanent transitional period until A finds a teaching job and we’re able to buy a condo, but it’s all working so well and we have no regrets about our decision to move. We’re so happy to be able to raise Mr. E with family. And to be in a place where we already feel woven into the community in such a short time.

My head is spinning. Several weeks ago A and I looked at a condo in the town we want to live in once we move. We’ve pretty much decided when we’re ready to buy, we’d buy into this particular complex. There’s a lot of open green space, it’s a good size with all the things we’re looking for. And we’d get much more for our fee than any other place. Most charge the same monthly fee and all you get are exterior maintenance, master insurance, snow removal, etc. This place has a club house with a gym, indoor/outdoor pool, tennis courts, sauna, hot tub… all for the same fee range as the condos without the club house. It’s kind of a no brainer.

We looked at two condos in this complex. We loved loved loved one of them. It was an end unit, has two and a half baths, two bedrooms, two floors, attic and shed storage, laundry, wood floors in the kitchen and hall, a gas stove in the living room, sky lights in the bedrooms. It’s freshly painted and beautiful. And out of our price range. But alas, we were only looking to get a sense of what’s out there, until we’re ready to buy.

Well this morning, while A was dealing with two Crai.gslist people, one to take our piano and another to take a floor lamp, my dad calls. The realtor called him to let him know he has advised the sellers to drop the price and he also told them about a nice young gay couple with a new baby who loved the condo, but couldn’t afford the asking price. Now, the current owners are two sisters (and by this I mean they share a mother) who inherited the condo from them mother. Their response? “Sure, we’ll knock off $20,000 for them, our mother loved gay people!” And they’d be willing to push out the closing into the summer too.

Ummmmmm. Whaaaaaaaaaat? So essentially the message from the realtor is that he’s not advertising the new price until we get back to him. Because, at the new price it will sell. In an instant. And we have first refusal, or something like that. I’ve crunched some numbers and even with the new price it’s a little bit of a stretch given my part time employment and A’s transitional job. BUT, we could totally swing it if she had a teaching job. Which she is working very hard on obtaining.

I already feel nuts: returned to work after 12 weeks maternity leave, gave notice four days later, leaving us two and a half weeks to pack up and move, with a three month old (and we’ve yet to line up any real help…). And now we have to make this decision by tomorrow. And really it’s such a good deal that if we can’t swing it I will be so so so depressed.

Mr. E had his one month check up this week. Our little man weighed in at 9lbs 11oz! How the hell did that happen?! He’s grown three inches and is thriving. Our pedi said he still looks a little yellow so we’re going back for another damn blood draw today. It’s very normal for breastfeed babies to remain Jaundice for up to six weeks, so I’m not too worried.

He’s really coming into babiness (I made that word up). He has somewhat of a schedule now. We can count on him fighting sleep in the evening. He gets so very over tired and then spends from 7-8pm fussing and falling in and out of sleep. By some miracle, he’s tired enough and ready to go to sleep by 8, which is when we all go to bed. The first leg of the night is usually our longest stretch of sleep - about three hours. Sometimes we get to sleep from 12-3am. Then 3-6am are rough for him. He’s in and out and making noises and his mamas don’t sleep so well. We’re up at 6am and then he usually falls back to sleep around 7 (we’re up just long enough so I can’t go back to sleep). I am currently reading this book…here’s hoping I can draw on it to get more sleep.

We talked to the pedi about giving him a formula bottle at midnight to try to get him to sleep longer; she was on board. We did it for two nights. And now we’re done. I need to feed him. I had to get up and pump at 4am today because I hadn’t feed him since 8pm, and I was in pain. I wasn’t entirely comfortable giving him formula, since we don’t need to, so now we’re going back to breastfeeding through the night and not really sleeping from 3am on. Fun times. But I’ve come to cherish the middle of the night snuggles we share as I comfort him back to sleep.

…

My older nephew (almost three years) has come out with some funny things lately. The birth announcement we sent was of Mr. E, naked from the chest up. Sort of an artsy shot. When he saw it he expressed some concern to my mother that, “Mr. E doesn’t have a bum.” We talked on the phone and I assured him, his bum is still there. Today I got an email from my SIL, saying nephew told her, “I like that Mr. E, he is so funny!”

…

A had a snow day and was home with us yesterday. It was so nice to have her home - nice to have a spontaneous day together and nice to share caring for Mr. E. It was a little preview into next week when she’s home all week! Glorious school vacation week!

…

Today’s a full day of running errands and going to my mommy group. We are so close to having all our documents in order for the second parent adoption. Today I need to pick up our marriage certificate and Monday we’re getting his birth certificate and then our work is done. I hated filling out the paper work, the questions we had to answer, about our relationship and motivations for A to adopt Mr. E were, well insulting. But it’s done (and we’re just thankful she can adopt him). I am also going to pick up Zac’s remains today. What can be saved will be loaded onto A’s computer and we’ll go back to sharing. Our tax return is better spent servicing our car and collecting interest in our savings account.

Having a newborn and being a first time mom sure is interesting. I’ve found myself doing things I never would have dreamed of doing in the past, or just not caring about stuff like I used to. Here are some examples:

• For the first two weeks of Mr. E’s life I spent more time in sweatpants and a nursing bra - getting a shirt on took too much time and with nursing every 2-3 hours I was constantly puling it up, so what was the point? Now that we’re into the third week I’ve managed to start fully dressing myself.
• I did a complete load of laundry in the middle of the night a few nights ago. I put it in after the 1am feeding and then switched it to the drier at the 4am feeding. This might be the craziest new mom thing I’ve done. I did have a reason. I have three decent nursing bras. Two were already in the laundry and the third one was on my body and covered in spit up. I knew I’d want a clean one in the morning…thus the middle of the night laundry.
• I am spent by 6pm every night, so I’ve taken to prepping dinner in the morning so that we just have to put it in the oven at dinner time. (This is not meant to sound like I cook every night - because that is the furthest thing from the truth, but when I do, this is the new routine.)
• I eat my food faster than I used to, and I used to eat damn fast.
• It does not phase me when I am covered in pee or spit up, I draw the line at poop. (Little boys love to spray their moms while being changed!)
• I’ve learned that Mr. E calls the shots. A and I swore he would not sleep in our bed. We have a co-sleeper that was next to the bed for easy nursing. Well, that lasted 1.5 nights. He’s been in our bed since our third night home. We tried the co-sleeper once more and he woke after an hour. I now refer to the co-sleeper as the no-sleeper. None of us sleep when we try to put him down in there.

Extreme Nesting has come to an end! A and I spent today, the last day of our vacation, sorting through our kitchen, which was the last project on our list. Since we started Extreme Nesting some time last fall we have:

• Begun selling furniture we don’t need/want
• Moved three car loads of our stuff and our two kayaks into storage on the Cape
• Organized all our files
• Donated books galore
• Downsized from two desks to one
• Donated any and all clothes that we don’t wear/no longer fit
• Gotten rid of so many “things” we don’t need/want - I have yet to blog about my new love affair with e.Bay
• Sorted through both bathroom’s cabinets - purged old medicines and other crap we don’t need
• Picked through all our food cabinets and tossed expired food, married spices, organized, and vowed to create meals with the food we already have
• Sorted out the kitchen gadgets and donated the stuff we don’t use - our kitchen is so much more manageable now!

As we completed each project we cleaned the area before putting away the items we’re keeping. This place is clean and only contains the stuff we use! It feels so amazing and makes the Move feel manageable. I even packed an entire box of stemware today! It was pretty surreal to pack and label a box when we have 5 1/2 more months before we move! But the more we do now, the less we do with an infant!

In the last week I’ve also begun to make some progress on crafting things for the baby. I’ve been wanting to knit a hat for Moon to wear home from the hospital. Lucky for me, I woke at 5am most morning while we were at my parents so one morning I knit this:

And then I realized we didn’t have any burp cloths for the baby, and after spending time with our very pukey nephew, I conceived the idea of sewing burp clothes. I’ve only just started and have a bit more fabric to work with but here’s what I’ve sewn so far:

In addition to the Extreme Nesting over the last few months we’ve also managed to get almost everything ready for when the baby arrives:

• The room is set, the clothes, linens, etc. are washed and put away by size, and the changing table is stocked with all the baby necessities
• Car seats are installed
• The paper work to add Moon to my health insurance is as filled out as it can be
• Moon’s bag is packed for the hospital, we have the list ready of things we need to pack for ourselves, and all legal documents are tucked in Moon’s bag (marriage certificate, name change paperwork, health care proxy, emergency temporary guardianship paperwork)
• Toured the Birth Center at our hospital (loved it, and l-o-v-e-d the birthing tub)
• Last name change is complete and all those that need to know have been notified
• Project Legalize Everything is still underway - we have some second parent adoption paperwork left to finish, but our wills and powers of attorney are pretty much set

We are READY for the baby to arrive. I can’t think of anything else we need to do. Okay there is one thing, we need to attach the co-sleeper to our bed, but we have a plan to do that this week with the help of a friend. So Moon, anytime you want to arrive, after this Thursday (37 week mark), we’ll be waiting!

It’s a quiet New Year’s Eve in our home this year, and that’s just what I wanted. Each day I tire easier and easier and by afternoon my energy is almost depleted, so going out, in any fashion tonight is out of the question. We’d considered going to the local fireworks, but after returning home this afternoon, and walking through the cold and wind from the car to the house, we decided to put on our pjs and settle in for the night. There’s a pot of chili cooking on the stove and soon corn bread will be baking in the oven. It’s so very quiet here and we are enjoying being. I can’t imagine a better New Year’s Eve for this particular time in our lives.

A posted her year in review. I am far too scattered of a writer to synthesize a whole year in any coherent manner, so I’ve decided not to try. I will say that 2007 will forever be the year we FINALLY achieved our baby dreams. As long as I live, I will always remember the utter shock I experienced on May 15th, 2007 at 4:30am after receiving our first +hpt. It feels like just yesterday that we were standing speechless in the bathroom, staring at the +hpt. We hugged and kissed, and I think we were mostly in disbelief that it was really happening. My pregnancy defined much of the remainder of 2007.

It’s been an amazing journey. 2008 holds much change for us. The biggest, of course, the birth of Moon, but also a career change for A, a move “back home” to plant roots and to raise our kid(s) near family, and me stepping off my career path in search of something new, or maybe just to indulge in a long break from higher education. Eight hours of this year remain and tomorrow we’ll enter Moon’s “due month”, the kicks, turns, and somersaults, I feel as I type will soon be felt on the outside. Our time together will change, and A will, as she said recently, know how Moon is with out having to ask me. I’m ready. I’m ready to meet Moon, to hold him/her on the outside and I am ready for A to hold Moon and continue her bonding process.

2007 was super, but 2008 will be great! (Sorry…I couldn’t resist!)

I wish everyone a happy and safe holiday!

It’s only been four days since Christmas and I have yet to post all about our holiday and by now I am not sure it’s worth posting about. But here goes…

We had a wonderful last holiday with out a baby. We spent four nights at my parents house (despite the uncomfortable bed situation…) and gleaned lots and lots of quality time with our nephews, which is what we were most excited about. Nephew #1 was so much fun this year. He is almost three and it was the first year he “got it.” This, of course put the magic back in the holiday for all of us. I enjoyed visiting with family members one last time before having the baby, and it was special to receive gifts for “baby” and “cousin.” We also hauled home a bunch of hand me down baby gear that our nephews have outgrown (infant car seat, bassinet to keep on our first floor, tons of clothing!). Oh, and while most people we saw think I am having a boy, based on how I am carrying (which I am not sure I buy into), Nephew #1 is certain it’s a girl. I’m still getting the boy vibe.

Christmas was a mellow day for us. We did the traditional present exchange in the morning, with Nephew #1 opening everyone’s presents for them, followed by a big breakfast, and then lots of napping, followed by a big dinner. We don’t do any running around and my parents keep the number of people coming for dinner to a minimum, since our immediate family has grown to six adults and two kids, plus a few more. I have really come to like the smaller gatherings. Everyone is far more relaxed. When I was younger we often had both my father and mother’s siblings and their kids, plus other friends. And I loved it as a kid. Now the more people, the more my parents stress, the less fun it is for everyone…so small has become my preference. This has been balanced by hosting a more casual gathering on Christmas Eve, which A and I took over this year. For me, the night before Christmas is more fun, and filled with anticipation, so I prefer visiting with extended family on Christmas Eve.  All in all, I felt blessed to spend time with so many family and friends over the holiday, and to hold on to moments of my life as I know it, before the baby turns our world upside down.

A and I traveled home the day after Christmas and spent the whole next day running errands before our friend came to visit for two nights (There were lots of errands, but the highlight was getting A a new cell phone, which is way fancy and cool. As she drove us home I was playing with the gadgets on it and found it has a stop watch function. It took me more than a minute before realizing this would be helpful to time contractions as we’ve recently begun to wonder how we’d do that since neither of us own a watch. Cool, eh.) That was the same day I started to come down a cold that is starting to kick my but. It was great to see our friend, so much fun really. And he was super understanding of me feeling under the weather, and also of my pregnant state, but man, was it still exhausting to host. At times I was too tired to talk. As soon as he left this afternoon, I just felt a bit more relaxed. I’ve never felt so exhausted while hosting and it was a good preview for after the baby, and also reinforced the need for boundaries around guests.

A had her last class EVER today! She’s home now, putting all her school stuff away. We don’t go back to work till Wednesday of next week, and then Friday is her last day at her job! She starts student teaching the following Monday! I can’t believe we’re at this transition! I can’t believe we’re about to live on one income! I can’t believe we’re about to have a baby! It’s all happening so fast. Like we’ve been climbing a hill for months on end, and now the avalanche of change is tumbling down.

How much $hit can we get rid of?! Seriously, I wish A and I had started a tally of the number of bags of trash/donations we’ve taken out since we started the sorting/packing/throwing project! The more we do it, the easier it is to part with objects!

We just spent another two hours wading through the craft room (which has tuned into the dump everything room), and aside from the books in there, I think we have finally finished with that room!!! Including today’s work, I’d guess we’ve taken out at least twenty bags full of stuff, probably more!

We’re entering round two of posting items for sale on Craigs.list. It feels so good to purge! Last Sunday’s project of organizing the files turned into an eight hour task that went well into the week! I think I have finally learned what types of things to keep - and I know now that I don’t need to keep things like the instructions to our electric mixer. At the end of the project, I was so tired of sorting that I signed up for paperless credit card statements! Less to file! Less to shred, I want less clutter in my life!

We’re making progress…we have more to do. I think the kitchen and under the bathroom sinks will be next weekend. With any luck we’ll have this place cleaned out before Moon arrives!

I am unusually happy this holiday season. I don’t say this to imply that I am typically a holiday grouch, but I’ve noticed my outlook this holiday season is so much better than recent years. I am embracing things that usually bother me (Christmas music on the radio already, stores all decorated, etc. Ok, I’ll admit I did make a sarcastic comment about the so-called Wa.r on C.hristmas while at T.arget today…). I am throwing myself into the spirit. No one can ruin this for me. I am h a p p y ! ! ! !

Those reading along at home might be thinking, well no duh you feel happy, you’re pregnant. But would you believe it took me a couple of weeks to figure this out? This is the first holiday season in three years that ttc has not been present. And the last two seasons we’re filled with the ups and downs of: if it worked we can tell family over thanksgiving/christmas dinner. Those tww periods passed with yet another holiday season and no foreseeable child. And it was hard. And at times I felt totally hopeless. Each holiday that passed served as an anniversary-like reminder that we hadn’t achieved our ultimate dream, and as more and more passed, it became harder to believe that dream would ever come true.

This year is different. I feel so full. So blessed. I couldn’t ask for any gift better than what we are about to receive, and all of this is making me fully take in the season we’ve entered. A and I put up our tree today and listened to Christmas music. We talked about how excited we are to spend Christmas with my family and to see our nephews again - and how much fun Nephew #1 will be this year at nearly three years old, he is very interested in Santa for the first time. I love the magical feel of the gatherings that occur at my parents house over the holiday, and the chance to visit with the many family and friends that will pass through over several days. This will also be our last outing before birth (please no early arrival!!). Once we return home we’ll be under “lock down,” staying close to home until Moonbeam enters our world. Clearly this Christmas has an added element of specialness - our last couple Christmas and our last family interactions before we become mothers.

As I type this, I can’t help but think of all my blog friends who continue to struggle, and who may experience the holidays as I have in the past. It’s hard to sit here and go on about how great things are with out thinking about others. My holiday wish is for all those who are trying, hoping, and wishing to become parents, that the new year brings new hope, new possibilities, and new babies.

A and I made a plan to spend some amount of time each weekend going through our stuff and getting rid of things we don’t need in anticipation of our move. This weekend we’ve been particularly productive. So far here’s what we’ve accomplished:

• Packed three more trash bags full of clothes ready for donations (add to the previous four we already donated).
• Moved the dry cleaning bag from our closet to the front door - hey it’s a little closer to making it to the cleaners!
• Did endless loads of laundry - including our shower curtain and canvas shopping bags (which we never wash).
• Took out the recycling and compost.
• I cleaned the bathrooms and A vacuumed.
• I am in the process of cooking sugar pumpkins to puree for pumpkin pies (I’ll freeze the puree for baking later). I still have two huge hubbard squashes to do the same with but I can only manage so much today…
• A is baking garlic and herb bread to have with our dinner tonight.

I feel so much better about our space each time we manage to clear stuff out, and can’t help but think it will help make the move easier. The list of things to go through is still pretty long and we are running out of free weekends before the baby arrives, but every bit helps.

We rewarded ourselves last night by ordering out pizza and renting the entire 4th season of the L Word…we’re slowly making progress on that. I am so sad that we have to go back to work tomorrow (it’s not a holiday for us), I could use another day to get a few more things done around here.

We’ve begun the at-times-overwhelming task of beginning to clean out and downsize our lives. It’s true that you grow to fill the space you live in and we currently live in a two story, four bedroom apartment. It’s huge. Any place we move to will not be this big. So we’re trying to clean up and throw out / donate whatever we can now, before Moonbeam arrives as it will nearly impossible after.

We’ve committed to spending some amount of time every Sunday until the project is complete. Last weekend it started with sorting through clothing. We filled three bags to donate and A still has more clothing to sort through. This weekend we purged our storage closet and hauled many bags of trash to the dumpster (many of the items being things we’ve moved from place to place - new rule is if we haven’t used it since the last move then it goes).

We’ve got a handful of items and some furniture to post on Crai.gs Li.st and all our camping gear is pulled out and ready to be packed in the car for me to take to my parent’s house next weekend. Not only are we purging but we’re also trying to slowly move to my parents anything we know we won’t use between now and the move so as to make the move as easy as possible with a five month old. Camping gear is the first to go… We have a ways to go till we’ve cleared out and downsized but it feels really good to start the process and know that much of the work will be done before the big move.

I don’t know what’s with the one word titles these days. As I’ve begun writing this post out in my head and working it out through conversations, ready is the best way to describe how I feel about bringing this baby into our world.

I am not nervous about how the baby will change everything. I am ready to become a mother. For as long as I can remember, that is what I wanted more than anything else. I wanted to wait till around 30 to become a mom, but I knew I wanted it. When I think about the changes and the struggles we’ll got through as we grow with our baby, I know it will only deepen mine and A’s relationship with each other as well as our relationships to family. We are a solid team. We’ve been working things out and loving each other for nearly seven years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses and we support each other as we succeed and struggle.

I know having a baby is not glamorous. Believe me, I’ve been around our nephews (and other babies) enough to know this. We’re lucky to have a family where everyone helps out. Knowing we’ll be able to tap into family help puts me at ease. I was more than excited to help my SIL after Nephew #1 was born. We spent four weeks at my parents house together that summer. During that time we shared care. The hardest part was night duty and I won’t lie, getting up to feed him and being sleep deprived was not my favorite part (and I realize it will be a whole different game with our own child). But the hard parts are all part of the package. And I want the package. I want the package more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I have a support system that will balance the baby’s needs / my needs / mine and A’s needs. By saying I am ready, I am not saying it will be easy. Rather that I want it and I am prepared for the challenges and the joys.

I do anticipate days of sheer frustration, alienation, sadness, fatigue. I’d be a fool to think our baby will be different from any other baby with respect to how they can run a mom down. And as the (hopeful) milk mom, sahm, I will naturally experience the baby different from A. Not better, just different. But that does not mean her experience will be any less meaningful, or her contributions to our family any less valued. Just after the baby is born, I think I’ll have it easy compared to her. I’ll be on maternity leave (home and cozy with the baby with no responsibility other than to care and love the babe) and she’ll be adjusting to the new baby while student teaching and finishing grad school. This will be our ultimate test in balancing each others needs. It’s going to be hard. And it’s going to be possible. And in the end, as my uncle used to say, we’ll have our neat little package. And we’ll be so in love.

One of the things I love most about the fall is my desire to spend weekends in the kitchen cooking with our farm veggies or baking just about anything. This year I’ve taken to cooking multiple dishes at once. Maybe I am up for a greater challenge, or want to spend more time cooking, or it could be that we bought a full farm share instead of a half this year so we have twice as many veggies to work with every week! Last night I began to formulate a plan for everything I wanted to make today.

My day started when my alarm sounded at 6:30am so I could get up and drive our host student to the bus station, while that may sound early, the truth is I would have been awake by 7:00 naturally. I tried to crawl back into bed upon returning home, but I was so hungry that I lasted just a few minutes. A was also getting up. She started the coffee and I made apple oat pancakes. They were so yummy and we topped them with the spiced pumpkin butter we bought on our get away to NH a few weeks ago.

After breakfast I headed to the store to pick up a few ingredients. Once home I began my marathon cooking session. I baked pumpkin chocolate chip bread and zucchini bread (to take with us to the blog partay in NYC tomorrow) as well as potato leek soup and a Moroccan veggie dish. I peeled, cut, shredded, processed, etc. for five hours! I used to be able to stand in the kitchen for hours on end but today I moved a stool into the kitchen to sit on - and my legs still hurt from when I had to stand. At one point I was so tired I knew I should stop cooking, but since I had everything going at once, there was no backing out. I am exhausted from my day…I’m sure tonight will be an early night, which is really okay since we’ll be getting up at 6:00am tomorrow to start our trip to NYC.

If I have any energy left on Monday night, there are more veggies I could work with…really I think I will be happy when the crops end this year…

p.s. the foliage seems to have peaked in the last day or so. I had hoped to get out and take a lot of pictures today, but didn’t end up with the energy once I was done cooking. I managed to take a few pics and they are up on Flickr. Here’s one of my favorites:

Two days ago I was looking at a calender for 2008 and plotting out when I’d return to work if I delivered at 38, 40, or 42 weeks- which are all well within the range of what’s to be expected. Now granted when I go back to work I will then leave my job on June 15th when my “contract” is up and we move across the state. Once there, everything is a big question mark.

But back to me looking at the calender. I realized how sad I was at the thought of going back to work, even for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve been telling myself - and everyone else that once we move I’ll mostly be a SAHM, while I work a very flexible and part time gig with my Dad. Child care will be provided by my SIL and/or my hours will be worked around A’s work schedule in effort to avoid day care. My Dad has gone so far as to say, just bring the baby to work. Which I would not do with regularity because I know I’d get nothing done.

Those feelings of sadness were eased by knowing that when I do return to finish the school year A will be home with the baby and that we know for certain that Moon will be home with one of us from birth till through August, at least. I am truly thankful for that. But for the first time I began to accept the reality that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay home. I am cozily balled up in my fantasy of staying home while A works. But the truth is, we have no idea what our life and financial situation will be after we move. The  unknow has let me carry out this dream of being a SAHM and I’ve begun to truly believe it will happen. I know we will do anything with in our power to make it happen, but that may not be enough.

I find myself incredibly jealous of women who can easily make the choice to stay home. By this I mean those who have the financial resources. The privilege. I remember telling my mom I waned to stay home (back before the plan to relocate, which does make staying home more attainable) and she knew that in our current situation we’d never make it after giving up half our income. And she kind of gave me the are you crazy look? Yet, she and my Dad still scoff at how my brother and SIL put their son in day care at 17 months since they didn’t need to.

If I get to stay home we’ll be living on a shoe string. But I’ll be with our baby. That is what we both want. We don’t have anything against day care, and do respect that each family makes a decision that is best for them. We think avoiding day care is best for us. This is a huge shift for me. When we first started ttc I never imagined I’d stay home, let alone want to stay home. The shift came after all the pain and effort it took for us to conceive. Through that process I began to want this baby more than I ever imagined possible.

Before conceiving my career path was my priority. And I am at cross road where if I want to strategically advance my career now is the time to make the next move. But our journey lead me to this desire to spend every possible moment with the baby. I do think the challenges we faced drives this shift. At the same time, our expanding family unit shifted our priorities to wanting to live in close proximity to family. In embracing this, I have essentially decided to put my career in the back seat (maybe even the third row). There are no where near as many opportunities for me where we are relocating to. Yet, I couldn’t be happier about providing our child with the opportunity to grow up with his or her cousins, aunt & uncle, grandparents, and many other extended family members.

We have no idea how this will all play out. I am holding on to the hope that I will stay home and we’ll just find a way to make it work, and I am working on accepting that my dreams of being a SAHM may not turn out just as I expect them to.

We are home after our long weekend to visit family. Each time we visit them and then return here, it feels less and less like we are coming home, even though this has been our home for the last 4 1/2 years and up until a couple months ago we had no plans of ever leaving. But now when we go see my family, and drive the roads I grew up on, and connect with our community there, and picture raising our family there, leaving feels wrong and I just can’t wait to get back there. Back to the home I left 11 years ago.

The countdown has started. 8 1/2 months and we’ll lock the door on our life here and start over there. Of course we’ll come back here to visit, because we do love it. It just lacks family, which is what we crave now. The idea of starting all over is scary. We had a very difficult transition when we moved here and I know moving there won’t be with out challenges. Almost daily I start to worry: can we afford to live there, will A get a job that will support us, will we miss the liberal oasis of where we currently live (of course we will!), how will we afford it - these thoughts run through my head and my chest begins to tighten, when I remember, we’re moving to be with family, my parents will help us, we’ll have so much more support there. Suddenly all my fears wash away. It seems so easy and so right.

We want to be there now, and that’s hard. I don’t want to rush the time we have here. Or my pregnancy. And I know having four months here - just the three of us - after the baby is born will be really good for us as we grow into our new family. And I don’t want to ignore all that I love about where we live - especially as we enter the fall, which is so beautiful here. So I do struggle daily not to let my job get the best of me and to fully take in my last fall, winter, and spring here, with out wishing I were somewhere else.

I got up early and made it to my doctor’s walk in hours. I still managed to wait almost an hour to see him, but I am just always so thankful that they take walk ins from 8-8:15am (the first doctor’s office I had here made me wait three days once, with a tension headache, before I could get an appointment. Thus I switched to this practice solely for the walk in hours). He said it didn’t look like any classic pregnancy rashes so it’s probably one of the random pregnancy rashes. Great. I am using cortisone 1% for the next couple of days and then if that does not help I’ll fill the prescription he gave me for a slightly stronger cortisone. If that does not work he wants to see me again. I may also consult my midwife before going back to him. I don’t want to keep paying co-pays if I don’t have to.

The rash is no better now than it was last night, but the cortisone helps soothe the itch. I am not supposed to apply it more than three times a day, and I’ve already hit that, so here’s hoping I can make it till tomorrow morning. If not, I’ll be putting more on. This seriously sucks.

Tomorrow I go off call after having been on for a week and we are heading out of town for the long weekend. My sister in law’s father is visiting from Germany and we’ve never met him! He’s been here two or three times since she’s been with my brother, but we’ve never been able to meet him due to work conflicts (bro and sil’s wedding was small, A. and I were the only family there). I am pretty excited to meet him after hearing so many stories about him and to finally put a face to my nephew’s Opa (German for grandfather).

He visited this summer and Nephew had not seen him since he was six months old (doesn’t really count) but they video chat over the computer quite a bit. I was told that when Nephew saw Opa in person, he went up to him, rubbed his face, and exclaimed, “Opa has a face.” He loves his Opa. We’re also going to meet up with Adrienne this weekend. I can’t wait to get away. This is our last get away, for real this time. A. won’t have any more weekends off from school (save Thanksgiving and Christmas) till the second weekend in January. And um, we’ll be having a baby then…

p.s. I am 24 weeks today, which means I need to do my biweekly belly shot, but A. is in school Thursday nights, so my belly shots will be delayed…but 24 weeks sounds big and we are moving right along with the viability factor. Crazy.

Our farm veggies have been piling up on us since we’ve been away so much lately. Today I had to get serious and cook A LOT so as to use them before they spoiled and in anticipation of our next pick up in two days. Thus far we’ve been really good at preserving whole veggies through canning and freezing. Today was a cooking and freezing day. I made curry squash soup, cream of broccoli soup and a broccoli and potato casserole. In all I used five broccoli bunches and still have one left over! Everything is now portioned out in meal sized containers freezing away in our freezer. I feel so accomplished and more exhausted!

A. and I returned home today after visiting my family for the last four nights. It was our extra long weekend getaway for me to recover from the last several weeks at work, A.’s first time meeting our new nephew, and a chance to visit with my uncle who’s visiting from Washington state. And, it was the first time we’ve been there since deciding we’d try to move there next summer, which helped us to picture everything with a difference view. And there was much talk with family about the plans.

We left work early on Friday to get there in time for dinner. We had a nice dinner with everyone and got to spend some time with our three week old nephew. He is so tiny and cute! And is such a good baby. Seriously, the child only cries when he’s hungry or needs a diaper change. Nephew #1 used to cry on cue every night from 5-9. Nothing could soothe the boy. This one must know there is no way they could deal with four hours of crying and a toddler struggling with the terrible twos!

We spent all day Saturday with the boys. Playing and feeding and cuddling and rocking - depending on which one we had at the time. Sunday SIL woke up sick and my brother had to work so I picked the two kidlets up at 7:30 am and bounced them around from person to person at my parents house. We had a special date with Nephew #1 to go to a parade, specifically to see the fire trucks. The child is obsessed with fire trucks. He got so excited when the trucks approached that he broke into laughter and tears all at the same time (a scene repeated the next day when we went to visit the fire trucks at the fire station). And he relished in being an only child again, if only for a few hours. He had our undivided attention all while seeing his beloved fire trucks, watching trains, and eating ice cream, does it really get any better for a two year old?

While A. and I truly wanted to take him to this event, I’d be lying if we weren’t scoping it out to see what kinds of family activities we might expect once we move. The whole visit felt different. I began picturing myself woven into that community, thinking of the things we’d do with our kid there, and settling into how wonderful it would be to fully experience the daily going ons of my family. To really be an integral part of our nephews lives and not just the aunties who visit every so often. I want this so much.

As the weekend wore on, we started talking to my parents about the move. Our situation is such that we’d both potentially be unemployed when we move, and in the best case scenario A. would have been hired to start teaching in the fall. So we are ambivalent to buy a home anytime before we know she has a solid income. I will start working part time for my dad as soon as we get there - but I guess I still consider myself unemployed because A.’s salary is what will be supporting us in an effort for me to be a stay at home mom. My part time income will help, but it won’t pay a mortgage. We had hoped my parents wouldn’t mind if we crashed with them for the summer until A. would hopefully start teaching. I was a little shy about bringing this up, but it was my mom who really introduced the idea and impressed we could stay as long as we needed- and even took us on a tour of the loft above the garage and started talking about how they could finish it off…(mind you, they JUST finished renovating the entire house about a year ago and there are two bed rooms and full bath on the second floor that would be just fine for us). Their only hesitation is that they hate our cats. But we’ll come with a baby and they love that idea. In our ideal world we’d be out of their house by the end of September. But it’s really nice to know we can stay there. It makes the move feel do able. I was worried before about quitting my job if A. did not have one, but this way we can take the time we need to figure it out. And, for the first time I don’t feel tied down to my job. Their offer truly liberated me. Now I will be able to give my notice before I go on maternity leave (academic searches take place in the spring each year so I am requested to give notice by February if I am not coming back in August).

Now, I am not a fool. I do not think moving into my parents house with a five month old will be easy. It won’t. We all agreed it will be hard for all of us at times. My parents did it with both of their parents at one time or another so they are really open to it and have first hand experience of what it’s like. They also work crazy long hours, so we really wouldn’t see each other all that much. And the house is plenty big enough for all of us. I am on cloud nine after their offer. I feel like we can move there. We can go whether A. has a teaching job or not. And I can be a stay at home mom. And we’ll have family all around us for better and worse…and it will be great! But A. and I had one last reservation that I brought up over breakfast, I asked how they felt about cloth diapers, and specifically cloth diapers being washed in their washer? My dad’s response I think they are great, I’m glad you’re not going to use those [pointing in the direction of both nephews stash of disposables] it’s the worst thing you can do for the land fill. We used them on you. My mother’s response, I don’t care.

So the plan as it stands now is for us to move out of here by July 1, 2008. Nine months from now. A. will *hopefully*have a teaching job for the fall and will get some kind of summer work. I would work part time with my dad and my SIL and I would trade off child care. We’d be home. We’d be with family. And our child would be growing up just as we’ve both wanted it to, surrounded by family and a well established network of friends and community. Nothing could make me happier.

On another subject…right now I am super excited about our ultra sound tomorrow. We’re going to “see” the baby for the first time! I am already prepared to cry- hearing the heart beat makes me misty eyed. We solidly agree not to find out the sex and I think we’ve even nixed the idea of having the perinatologist document it for future info if we change our minds. We want the surprise at birth. I just know myself, and I know I would be disappointed if I knew ahead of time. So as I said to A. we’re just going to be those people and my mother will never forgive me. Good thing she loves us! She actually said this weekend so someone out in W.Mass will know the sex of my grandchild and I have to wait till birth. Yes mom, it’s true. And after long debates about names this weekend, she’s starting to accept the fact that she won’t like our kid’s name either.

Today we opened our doors to all our returning students. This was my fourth year opening a residence and by far the smoothest, I would hope I’d have it down after four years. And the whole time I kept thinking, this better be my last opening, and please let this be my last Labor Day worked, at least for a while. I know many people working in higher education are resigned to always have to work Labor Day, but it still sucks. Yet another reason to step out of higher ed for a while.

It really wasn’t a bad day. I only had one semi upset parent and at this point, I’ve figured out how to settled them down. I think the part that stung about working today was when my dad called to see if I was working and then proceeded to tell me he was at our favorite beach and there were only about 12 people there, nothing like the last time we were there together several weeks ago. I can’t complain too much though, we’re heading there on Friday until Tuesday and maybe we’ll get some beach time in.

The more A. and I talk about moving to the Cape where my family is, the more excited I get. It took me a while to really believe this is something she wants. But given that she has signed up for MLS listings, is looking into all kinds of family activities, and has begun to plot out her job search for next spring, I guess she really does want to move there.

We’re still perplexed as to how we’ll afford this move. The housing is a lot more than where we are now. Before this plan, we were looking to buy here next spring, to move there will add a lot more onto the mortgage, and I still want to stay at home…We’re not dealing with the reality part yet. We know we won’t get as much for our money there, but having family near by will more than make up for it. We’ve found some condos in our price range, although they are small and lacking some amenities that we’d really like. For a little more money we can get almost everything we want. The trade off will be exchanging childcare with my SIL. She and I have talked about sharing care so we could both work part time and not have to pay for child care. And we’ll be comforted to have family watching our kids. Win win if you ask me.

I will step out of higher ed. My Dad’s been trying to get me to come to work for him for years. I would set my hours and have total flexibility. Perhaps some day down the road I’d get back into higher ed, but for now, how could we pass up all the support? The chance to mostly be home. A flexible schedule. Having family around. Our child growing up with cousins, grandparents, aunt and uncle, and other extended family and our existing community of friends. It’s what I knew growing up and I’ve always wanted it for my kids but never thought it would happen. The fact that we’re trying to make it happen is overwhelming to me. I can’t wait. And yet I don’t want to rush the time we still have here. For now, we’ll continue the frequent trips there. And, no matter what, I don’t plan on working on Labor Day next year.

When did our weekends turn into home improvement central?

Here’s what we did this weekend:

1. A. painted the baby’s room - we weren’t going to because we are 99% sure we’ll move out of here when the baby is about five months old so we had decided to forgo the whole baby room to save some money since Moon will be sleeping in our room for most if not all of those five months. But then I had an extra gallon of paint left over from when A. painted my office, and we decided yesterday morning that we couldn’t look at the white walls anymore, so she had at it.
2. I rummaged through my sewing scraps and managed to quilt a window curtain for Moon’s room. It’s pretty cool that I had just enough scraps to pull together exactly what I wanted and in the colors I wanted! It matches the walls perfectly.
3. We made a trip to Target and purchased a bookshelf, lamp, and rug.
4. We swore a lot while assembling the bookshelf.
5. A. cleaned the house.
6. We started in on preserving more farm veggies - this week’s pick up was huge!

Moon’s been kicking me most of the afternoon and I love it. Now off to finish preserving.

ETA:

We also…

• Did tons of laundry
• Filled out our name change paperwork
• SIGNED UP FOR CHILDBIRTH CLASSES!!!!!!!!!

A. and I have been having a very serious conversation. My emotions are mixed. Is it bad that the idea of not having our midwife for future ttc endeavors is my greatest hesitation to this move?

Yesterday A. and I returned from our week on the Cape. We had some great beach weather and some not so great beach weather. This is an annual trip we make, with several rituals. We’ve come to treasure this time as we indulge in summer’s magic. We did not make it to our favorite beach. I am a little sad, but as I told A. it’ll be there next year (but will we?).

As we enjoyed day after day after day (yes three gorgeous beach days in a row) I remarked that we should appreciate the time even more than usual, since next year there will be a little babe and, well our beach time will either be nil or perhaps spotty while watching after Moonbeam. It certainly won’t be hours on end of warming our feet in the sand while consuming books and jumping in the water to cool off from time to time. This was my first (of many) “last” experience- knowing this was the last time I would truly enjoy the beach as I have come to know it. There were so many other thoughts like this. Eating out, late night trips for ice cream, sleeping in, taking off unscheduled for hours on end, etc. My mother will most certainly jump on any and all opportunities to watch the babe while we enjoy time away, but it will not be the same. God willing I’ll be breast feeding…and well, ya know that ties you down, and I know we’ll always be thinking about the babe, and then there’s the fact that mom’s a work-a-holic. So while this summer’s vacation was my first dance with “lasts” I am comforted to know next summer’s vacation will be full of new and exciting “firsts.”

I am glad to be home. And I think the kitties are glad to be home too. Today is Lou’s 6th birthday! Old man. A. is at school and I have a list of things I need to do. I’ll be happy if I make it grocery shopping and manage to pack away clothes that no longer fit my expanding belly. One of the websites that I read informed me my uterus is the size of a large grapefruit - and my pants are very much aware of this fact. I have about a week and a half before I return to work - where did the time go? I am dreading going back as August and early September are dreadful times at work - too much to do in too little time. I’ll just look forward to mid September when A. and I are (hopefully) going away for my rescheduled birthday get-a-way / trip as close to a baby moon as we’ll ever get. Just thinking about it makes me happy.

A and I are comfortably making our way through the tww. As I tried to sleep the other night I calculated how much time we’ve spent in the tww - this is our 8th try so that’s 16 weeks, or 4 months. Depressing. but we’ve been so caught up in being excited, knowing this is the one, blah, blah blah, that we nearly forgot we have a home inspection tomorrow. Ya know, for that little adoption project we’re working on.

We planned on cleaning today, and also addressing all the the safety regulations the woman will be looking for (cleaning products and medication out of reach, etc.). And completely unrelated we’ve been talking about moving our bedroom into another room. We decided we’d get to all of it today. First we swapped our bedroom and the guest bedroom, and had to redistribute some furniture through all the rooms. Then we decided to take our make shift third bedroom that housed a futon and all of our crap and turn it into a real bedroom and put all the crap in a storage closet (as we did this I felt like when we moved in last summer we just got sick of unpacking and threw the crap into a room and shut the door…). So now our bedroom is in the biggest room and we have two guest rooms (anyone want to come visit?). The second guest room looks like it’s ready for a kid. Hmmm. I hope the home inspector will pick up on this.

I found all our electric outlet covers (from when our nephew would visit) and put them in all the unused outlets. We are going to head out to get some other safety measures today - and some baskets to organize all the crap under our bathroom sinks - I’d die if the lady opened them and saw how we just throw everything in - out of sight out of mind. Once we were done with all the rearranging we started to clean. As A tried to take an outlet cover off to plug in the vacuum she said, “hun, these are really hard to get off.” I replied, “yeah, that’s kind of the point.”