Category Archive

Now that my period is back and my cycle is on its way to regulating there’s been talk of ttc our second child (please let it only be one, after all I am a clomid gal). I want to enjoy this time with Mr. E and not rush into the next baby. As we walk the path back to ttc, that is my marker for readiness. We have (moving) target dates for when we’ll start, and ideas about minimally how far apart we’re comfortable with them being. But one thing that never changes, we’re impulsive, we change our minds every other day, and we’re probably so sleep deprived that we shouldn’t even be permitted to make the decision to have another one. And after my half day with Mr. E and our two nephews (10 months and 3 years), I began to reconsider another one altogether. Taking care of all three is exhausting. Picture this: Mr. E on me in the Ergo, 10 month old J in the stroller, 3 year old J riding his bike. Now, me running after J on his bike, while wearing Mr. E and pushing the stroller. And that’s the scene when the babies are confined. When we’re in the house it’s nuts!

But I digress. We will try for another. And we’ll probably do it sooner rather than later, and most likely sooner than we originally planned. As A said to me last night “why drag out having you home forever. Let’s just have the kids and be done with it.” (Of course she said it lovingly.)

All this talk has propelled me back to my time being pregnant. Somehow it doesn’t seem so bad. But I know it was. I know I was uncomfortable, and everything hurt, and I was emotional, and so on. But now, now, I yearn for the closeness with Mr. E that we shared for 10 months. I remember walking around while pregnant, thinking how amazing it was that he went everywhere with me, and dreading the day that would cease to be true. The other night something moved in my stomach (probably gas) and it felt as it did when Mr. E was in me moving. And I longed to feel that intimacy with him.

I hated being pregnant so I can’t believe I miss anything about it or that I am nostalgic and wanting to do it again. I already know breastfeeding will be the same. I didn’t know if I’d like bfing, and it turns out I am pretty damn good at it and so is he. I can’t say as though I love it, but I don’t hate it, I enjoy the time together, and most of all I am humbled to be so fortunate as to produce food for my child. I have every intention of bfing till he’s one, and then will see what happens. TTC plans may necessitate weaning. No mater what I know I will miss it when we’re done. Just as I somehow now miss being pregnant.

A and I recently discussed how we’ll celebrate father’s day with Mr. E. Year after year it will be a day that the kids through out his social group will celebrate their fathers. And at some point he is likely to feel like the other kids have something he does not (although my former co-worker’s five year old daughter told her, “Mr. E is the luckiest boy in the world because he has two moms”). We’re not trying to insert a father or even insinuate that he needs a father, but it sure would be nice to have something to do on that Sunday in June each year.

A suggested we take the day to celebrate his donor, even though he is only known to us as TSBC #1376. It’s a day to be thankful that a man, who we thought was decent enough to use to create our son, was selfless enough to donate his sperm (sure we paid big bucks, but the donors get peanuts for their commitment). I don’t think about the donor often, in fact some may think it’s odd how rarely I think about our son’s genetic other half, but I don’t. In the moments that I do find myself thinking about him, I just thank him for giving and for participating in the identity release program so that some day Mr. E can meet him.

I am curious to hear from the other donor baby families, do you plan to do anything on this day?

So much to say …

Days even weeks pass now with out me posting. I have lots I want to write about but just can’t seem to find the time. When I do have time I am either exhausted or want to spend time with A. I’ve had thoughts of abandoning this blog all together, as I seem to neglect it so much. But it’s been such a huge part of my life for almost three years. I guess I am trying to figure out how it fits into my life now.

On the Mr. E front:

~He turned 5 months on Monday. I can’t believe it. He’s really coming alive and continues to charm everyone. The kid has a smile that melts hearts. And he loves people.

~We’re still working on EC and he is getting better and better at the potty. We’re shocked at how easy it’s been. He is so cute on the potty and moms love not having to wash poopy diapers!

~He ditched the swaddle. Some time in the last month we stopped using a swaddle. I forget what prompted it but we tried it one night and he slept fine. So he’s swaddle free. In a lot of ways this is great because we can easily have him nap in his stroller when we’re at the beach or when he comes to the office with me, but it’s also sad because my little baby is growing too fast!

~He has a lovey, two really. When we abandoned the swaddle we introduced a “lovey” - which is in my opinion, the most ingenious baby accessory. We just snuggle it near his check and he is immediately soothed and relaxes. When I saw how well it worked in the crib, I put one in my car…and wouldn’t you know, he does not scream in the car anymore (we even had a successful trip to Maine this past weekend). Coincidence? All I know is that it works.

~Mr. E was the star of his Mama’s graduation last Sunday! He was so proud of her!

~He’s started grabbing things. The other day he put both hands around my seltzer can and pulled it to his mouth! This is a baby who gets about 10 bottles a week! But he’s been watching us eat and drink, with great interest for several weeks. I will be excited to start solids in a month.

~ He is pulling up as though to do sit ups. He wants to sit up so bad.

~He’s “this close” to rolling over.

the cuteness:

On the E and A front:

~ For those who are not my Face Book friends (come on, why aren’t we friends?!) or if you are and you didn’t see my status yesterday, I am now 30. It’s so not as big of a deal as people make it out to be. A gave me a “mother’s necklace” with Mr. E’s birthstone in it. And she was sure to tell me we can add more stones. I said, great, I can’t wait till there are three stones… (11 months and counting till we start ttcing again.)

~ Tomorrow we will have been married for four years. We’re packing up the boy and spending the day in P-Town.

~ A got a new job that is not teaching, but she is excited about it and her hours will pretty much put me back to full time SAHM, which I am sooooo effing excited about! I’ll work one full day a week and the rest of my hours will be working from home and in the evenings.

Those are all our updates. Some day I hope to get back into my blog. Life’s just too crazy right now.

As I drove home from Western MA last Saturday I called A. I’d been on the road for about two hours and had spent nearly every minute thinking about my experience in our old home. It’s hard to describe the way it felt to be there. I only went for a short trip- about 24 hours, but it was long enough to really be there. I carried on to A about how odd it was to drive the roads with such familiarity and at the same time, intellectually know it’s not my home anymore. She said, I know what you mean, wait till you read my blog. I really can’t say it any better than she did. So I’ve nixed the post I had drafted while driving home. But, as she said, Northampton will always hold a special place in my heart, and it does feel much like a first love, and like first loves, they often don’t last. So I bid farewell to Noho and will always love returning to visit.

I’ve kept quite about the transition at a time when A needed to pipe up. At times, it was hard to read what she wrote. I wondered if we’d made the right decision to relocate to my home town. It’s easy. natural. for me. But it’s a whole new reality for A. And she has quickly learned EVERYTHING happens through networking here. Somebody always knows someone who knows someone…and we’re all related too (I’m not even kidding). This can be overwhelming to an outsider. I’ve tried to support her as best I could. Things got pretty bad before they started to get better. And now, A really seems to have a plan. I am so happy to see her taking action in effort to get a job that will help her get a teaching job. Fingers are crossed that this one works out.

We’ve both been working part time which leaves Mr. E in his aunt’s care for two hours a week. But it’s left both A and I wanting something. She wants to work full time. I want to stay home full time. I’d like to cut my hours in half (down to 10, but not more than 15). If A gets the job she’s interviewing for I will have to cut my hours, as we won’t have childcare, and day care isn’t an option for us - we can’t afford it and even if we could, we don’t want Mr. E in DC. If she gets the job, we both get what we want. So will all of you please join me next Wednesday at 8am to hope/pray/whatever that: 1)the interview goes well, 2)that A wants to work there, and 3)that they want her to work there.

My cousin and her partner are PREGNANT!

As A says, “we’re on the sandbar.” It’s been a little more than a week since we managed to pack all our belongings (ok, most, we had to part with some items that would not fit) into a UHaul and drive away from the place we moved to five years ago, with every intention of setting down roots and raising a family. We were sad as we drove away, in separate vehicles, A with the over stuffed UHaul, me with the baby. We’ve made the same trip East, hundreds of time since moving there but I can’t describe the feeling of leaving it all behind. There are things we’ll miss, friends we’ll miss, places we’ll miss, but our lives here feel full in ways that kept coming up short there.

The whole process has been quite over-whelming. The week leading up to the move may go down as one of the most stressful. Ever. Let’s just say that together we experienced enough transitions to last a few years. In all there were only two melt downs (one for each of us) and our boy was perfect. Moving day, while always exhausting, went quickly when many of my co-workers and students and A’s former co-workers descended on us. Mr. E was bounced from person to person while our truck was loaded. And many helping hands meant our stuff was packed into the truck rather quick. My heart warmed having so many people show up to help us.

We spent an exhausting three days unpacking and getting set up, while also working through the emotions that come with such a transition. In the middle of those three days we attended an orientation for the church we planned on joining. Crazy? Yes. The orientations are only offered four times a year and are a required step in becoming a member. We want to have Mr. E dedicated (this is Unitarian Universalist for baptized) over the summer, and while we could have him dedicated without being members, my catholic guilt wouldn’t let me. Heck, what was one more thing in the middle of all we were doing?

By Sunday night A and I were unpacked and starting to feel somewhat normal. We are very comfortable in our new home, at my parent’s house (for those wondering, we passed on the condo. There are too many financial unkowns for us at this time). We have a good relationship with them and it’s very nice to have built in babysitters, support, and let’s not forget the hot tub! That was essential after moving boxes all weekend!

I started my part time job on Monday. I am working for my father helping to run his business. So far I’ve mostly been organizing the office (it’s a NIGHTMARE) and also have started looking into some really cool techy marketing tools. I love my job- you’ve NEVER heard me say that before! I love that it’s stress free, that it’s flexible and part time, and that it allows us to work my hours around A’s hours, thus avoiding daycare. And I am enjoying what I am doing. I mean, one project I am working on is kind of like blogging!

A started her job on Tuesday. She’s enjoying having structure again and has already begun networking with the elementary school principals. She left one meeting with the principal trying to create a part time job utilizing A’s experience working with English Language Learners. She needs to get her foot in the door some how and this would do it! Everything is just coming together for us in ways we never imagined possible.

Mr. E had a very difficult growth spurt last week. It was by far our worst night. He cried, no screamed all night, unless one of us was holding and bouncing him. A couple times we’d trick him into thinking we were standing and bouncing when really we were laying down and bouncing him while he laid across our chests. He never slept more than an hour like this. He wore himself out and finally went to sleep in his crib from 7-11am. The next couple of days he remained crabby, but now he’s back to his cheerful, mellow self. He’s loving having his cousins around all the time -he and J, who are five months apart are too cute together and so interested in each other.

It was a long process to get here, and we remain in a semi-permanent transitional period until A finds a teaching job and we’re able to buy a condo, but it’s all working so well and we have no regrets about our decision to move. We’re so happy to be able to raise Mr. E with family. And to be in a place where we already feel woven into the community in such a short time.

Today was Mr. E’s second parent adoption. A is now officially, legally, federally his mother…what a ridiculous process, but we’re so thankful we have it.  The whole thing was pretty uneventful and over pretty quickly. We went out to breakfast afterwards and then had our final meeting with our doula - how appropriate that she was there at his birth and then we saw her on his adoption day. It was nice to see her again. She referred us to a midwife where we are moving, the same midwife that one of our friends there used/is using. (!) And she even offered to attend our next baby’s birth…even though we’ll be three hours away! I am starting to feel a little better about ttcing #2. But we’re still waiting at least one more year…

It’s hard to believe A and I have already had “when will we start ttcing for #2 discussion” but we have.

There is a part of me that is still wounded from ttc. I want nothing more than to give Mr. E a sibling, but I am also being very protective of myself. I’ve caught myself living everyday as if it’s the only time I’ll experience whatever stage he’s at. During our quiet moments, when I am talking to him, I tell him how much we love him, how hard we tried to get him, how much we want to give him a sibling, but that if it’s not meant to be, we will be forever blessed by him.

My anxiety about ttc #2 is compounded by our move. I love my midwife, doula, and hospital. I am trying to wrap my brain around how this will work in a new location. As it is, when we move, our sperm will stay behind in storage, because we don’t know a place to store it closer to where we’re moving.

I hope more than anything that I will experience childbirth (at least) once again (and I may even try to enjoy the pregnancy…). So in about a year’s time, if all is well settling into our new home, we’ll be back in the game.

Oh, right. I’m a parent now. Expectations of us are different now.

Easter falls one weekend before our nephew’s birthday. His birthday is far more exciting and important to me than Easter, so I told my family we’d be coming for his birthday. In the weeks that followed I picked up on many subtle hints from my mother and SIL suggesting they’d rather we come for Easter. That somehow Easter was more important.

I finally told A about these weird vibes and after talking about it, I felt pretty stupid; of course my parents think it’s important for us to come to Easter, with our son. There’s a whole new set of expectations once you have a kid. So we decided to go. A actually admitted that she likes Easter and she’ll take any chance she can to attend the UU in the town where I grew up. She’s already built a good social network there for when we move.

My family is happy. A is happy. And me? Well, I am happy because I got to splurge on the cutest Easter outfit for Mr. E! Seriously, I didn’t know they made clothes so cute for boys! You’ll have to wait till after Easter for pictures!

Yesterday A and I celebrated our seven year anniversary (7 years!). Things have been kind of rough lately and A has been having a really hard time sleeping (add a newborn into the mix and, well, it’s not too fun for her). She’d been up most of the night, so I didn’t want to wake her, but I’d also planned to surprise her and take her out to one of our favorite breakfast places. Mr. E and I let her sleep in till about 9:45.

The three of us got ready and headed out for a fun day. We enjoy a delicious breakfast out. Afterwards we bought a new camera, because our not-very-old camera is dead. Mr. E enjoyed his lunch at the Library while A checked out a book. Then A and I sipped some coffee at a newish cafe before heading to see this week’s momma and baby movie at our local independent cinema (every Tuesday there is a matinée designated for moms to bring their babies). There were a couple of moms and babies from one of my groups. We enjoyed the movie and Mr. E did really well, thanks to the Er.go! It was fun to spend our anniversary with Mr. E, instead of dreaming of a baby.

I left A and Mr. E last night while I went out and had my hair chopped off! I’ve been wanting to shed my mane for awhile - since summer. But I’d been growing it for so long and many people seem to be attached to it, including my hairdresser, so I haven’t done it. But now with Mr. E here, I just don’t have the time to do much with it. And when it’s as long as it was, I at least needed to dry it. I feel so much better with it now, and my hairdresser was surprisingly in support of my decision!

Today we did a lot around the house. We’re leaving tomorrow for our first road trip with Mr. E. His bag is packed, ours are not. We’re excited to get away and for him to meet my extended family. Next weekend we’re hitting the road again to visit with A’s family.  Mr. E better get used to the car!

Mr. E had his one month check up this week. Our little man weighed in at 9lbs 11oz! How the hell did that happen?! He’s grown three inches and is thriving. Our pedi said he still looks a little yellow so we’re going back for another damn blood draw today. It’s very normal for breastfeed babies to remain Jaundice for up to six weeks, so I’m not too worried.

He’s really coming into babiness (I made that word up). He has somewhat of a schedule now. We can count on him fighting sleep in the evening. He gets so very over tired and then spends from 7-8pm fussing and falling in and out of sleep. By some miracle, he’s tired enough and ready to go to sleep by 8, which is when we all go to bed. The first leg of the night is usually our longest stretch of sleep - about three hours. Sometimes we get to sleep from 12-3am. Then 3-6am are rough for him. He’s in and out and making noises and his mamas don’t sleep so well. We’re up at 6am and then he usually falls back to sleep around 7 (we’re up just long enough so I can’t go back to sleep). I am currently reading this book…here’s hoping I can draw on it to get more sleep.

We talked to the pedi about giving him a formula bottle at midnight to try to get him to sleep longer; she was on board. We did it for two nights. And now we’re done. I need to feed him. I had to get up and pump at 4am today because I hadn’t feed him since 8pm, and I was in pain. I wasn’t entirely comfortable giving him formula, since we don’t need to, so now we’re going back to breastfeeding through the night and not really sleeping from 3am on. Fun times. But I’ve come to cherish the middle of the night snuggles we share as I comfort him back to sleep.

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My older nephew (almost three years) has come out with some funny things lately. The birth announcement we sent was of Mr. E, naked from the chest up. Sort of an artsy shot. When he saw it he expressed some concern to my mother that, “Mr. E doesn’t have a bum.” We talked on the phone and I assured him, his bum is still there. Today I got an email from my SIL, saying nephew told her, “I like that Mr. E, he is so funny!”

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A had a snow day and was home with us yesterday. It was so nice to have her home - nice to have a spontaneous day together and nice to share caring for Mr. E. It was a little preview into next week when she’s home all week! Glorious school vacation week!

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Today’s a full day of running errands and going to my mommy group. We are so close to having all our documents in order for the second parent adoption. Today I need to pick up our marriage certificate and Monday we’re getting his birth certificate and then our work is done. I hated filling out the paper work, the questions we had to answer, about our relationship and motivations for A to adopt Mr. E were, well insulting. But it’s done (and we’re just thankful she can adopt him). I am also going to pick up Zac’s remains today. What can be saved will be loaded onto A’s computer and we’ll go back to sharing. Our tax return is better spent servicing our car and collecting interest in our savings account.

Having a newborn and being a first time mom sure is interesting. I’ve found myself doing things I never would have dreamed of doing in the past, or just not caring about stuff like I used to. Here are some examples:

• For the first two weeks of Mr. E’s life I spent more time in sweatpants and a nursing bra - getting a shirt on took too much time and with nursing every 2-3 hours I was constantly puling it up, so what was the point? Now that we’re into the third week I’ve managed to start fully dressing myself.
• I did a complete load of laundry in the middle of the night a few nights ago. I put it in after the 1am feeding and then switched it to the drier at the 4am feeding. This might be the craziest new mom thing I’ve done. I did have a reason. I have three decent nursing bras. Two were already in the laundry and the third one was on my body and covered in spit up. I knew I’d want a clean one in the morning…thus the middle of the night laundry.
• I am spent by 6pm every night, so I’ve taken to prepping dinner in the morning so that we just have to put it in the oven at dinner time. (This is not meant to sound like I cook every night - because that is the furthest thing from the truth, but when I do, this is the new routine.)
• I eat my food faster than I used to, and I used to eat damn fast.
• It does not phase me when I am covered in pee or spit up, I draw the line at poop. (Little boys love to spray their moms while being changed!)
• I’ve learned that Mr. E calls the shots. A and I swore he would not sleep in our bed. We have a co-sleeper that was next to the bed for easy nursing. Well, that lasted 1.5 nights. He’s been in our bed since our third night home. We tried the co-sleeper once more and he woke after an hour. I now refer to the co-sleeper as the no-sleeper. None of us sleep when we try to put him down in there.

Hello Bloggers,

Well this being a new mommy thing has kept me busy and left with little time to post - though I am still reading your blogs daily. For the most part we are all doing really well. Sometimes the sleep deprivation pushes me over the edge and it’s not easy being the milk mama night after night, hour after hour. But I am not complaining. I love the bonding Mr. E and I experience and I do fall back to sleep quickly. I just don’t know why he can sleep four hours at a time during the day and only 2 -3 hours at a time at night (perhaps I should just count my blessings that he sleeps 2-3 hour stretches at night).

A went back to student teaching last Tuesday and my mom came for the week. Mr. E and I had a lot of fun with my mom. We went shopping, out to lunch, and planned a ‘meet Mr. E party’ for when we go to the Cape next month. Mom spoiled us by buying take out (delivery, no less) every night! She does not have this luxury where she lives and loves to indulge when she visits us.

Mr. E continued his visiting when he meet my cousin and her partner yesterday and then spent this morning with my dad who drove out to visit for the day. He’s got another visitor coming this afternoon, one of my best friends from childhood. It’s so great to see all these people and to get to show Mr. E off, but I am also exhausted and plan to start implementing nap time starting tomorrow. I will nap at least once every day. I’ve only taken about two naps since he came home, and it’s starting to show…

I’ve written a bit in the past about our sick cat, Lou. He’s had digestive problems for four years and we’ve carried out an intense daily medical regimen for the last year and a half. When he got sick in December we were told the medicine was no longer working and our only option was surgery (seriously, the Vet would not talk about euthanasia - that’s a whole other story). After much thought A and I decided the next time he got sick we needed to put him down. We felt the surgery was extreme and his quality of life post surgery was questionable. He was doing really well, and had been off meds for two weeks, but yesterday he got sick really fast, and it was clear he was in so much pain that we could not make him wait till Monday when out Vet was open, so we opted to take him to an emergency animal hospital and had him put to sleep last night. It was really really really hard. Not a decision we made lightly, but we know we did the right thing. He was eerily quiet on the ride there (he usually cries and bangs around in his carrier when in the car) and didn’t make a peep once inside the hospital (he usually hisses upon entering the Vet’s office). I took his silence as a sign that he was ready to go, that he’d fought long enough. We’ll miss you Lou.

I can hardly believe it’s been a week since Mr. E was born. It’s been the most amazing week. Moms and boy are are doing well as we settle into our new life and get acquainted with each other. So here’s the story of how he came into our world…This is a long one, but so was the labor…

Tuesday, January 8th

3:00 am - I woke feeling a text book version of my water breaking. I had been to the bathroom three times since going to bed, so I was pretty sure I didn’t “just pee myself.” I rolled out of bed and headed to the bathroom. Once there, my soaking wet pajama pants and twinge of blood confirmed my water had broken. I was 37w5d. I tried my best to clean myself up and yelled for A. When she came into the bathroom, and I told her what was going on, I felt we’d come full circle from the wee hours of the morning on May 15th when we stood in the bathroom, bleary eyed, staring at our first ever +hpt. We knew we’d be meeting our child soon.

Once over the initial shock that Moon was coming two weeks early, A went down stairs and got online - to see what we were supposed to do. I went downstairs and called our doula. We chatted for a few minutes and then I called the midwife. We’ll call her Midwife T (we went through three midwives over the course of the next 32 hours). Midwife T advised me to see how quickly I was soaking through a pad and to call back in an hour. A and I took showers, ate, and packed our bags. An hour passed and I had soaked more than one pad, so Midwife T advised us to head to the hospital. We took at least another hour to get out of the house - we had to prepare the cat’s food and water, I needed to go to my office to tie up some loose ends, and so on. As prepared as we were, we were not fully ready to do this two weeks early.

6:00 am - We arrived at the hospital, giddy with excitement and the nurses welcomed us and showed us to our room. We had an end room. It was huge, had many windows, and was very comfortable. At times I felt like I was staying in a hotel. Our first nurse, Nurse Big Personality (NBP), began the initial routine check. I was hooked up to a fetal monitor so to check Moon’s heart rate. Moon must have been very excited to come early because his heart rate was extra fast. NBP expressed great concern but Midwife T told her to give it a few minutes. I laid there, thinking this will pass, the baby will calm down and I took some deep breaths hoping to help calm Moon. The next time Midwife T checked in, she agreed with NBP that his continued high heart rate was troublesome and that I needed to have an IV fluid drip.

Up until this point, I’d already let go of my wishes to labor at home for as long as possible. And now within minutes of arriving to the hospital I was about to be hooked up to an IV. My mobility would be severely impacted, I’d be on an IV and monitors. NBP left the room to get the IV; I began to softly cry while letting go of some of my birth hopes while guzzling water and wished my mother were sitting next to me. This was the first of several times that I worried they’d have to rush me into a C-Section. But Moon pulled through. By the time NBP returned, Moon’s little heart had stabilized and I had avoided the IV. Note to self, drink lots of water before arriving at the hospital.

8:30 am - With the shift change came a new midwife, Medical Midwife. NBP was still our nurse as she was required to work over time because there were so many women in labor; she was replaced by Mellow Nurse some time mid morning and then Peppy Nurse to finish out the mid afternoon. Medical Midwife inquired about contractions, which at this point, I was still not having. I was only feeling slight cramps. She discussed ways to try to bring on labor and also advised I could elect induction at any time but that by 3:00pm she would begin to advise induction. 3:00pm being the twelve hour mark since my water broke. Apparently the medical community thinks women should give birth within 24 hours of rupture. We told her, we wanted to try to start the contractions on our own and made clear that induction was not something we wanted. A and I spent a good deal of time that morning trying our best to get my contractions started. Throughout this time we were on the phone with our doula. We made a plan that she would arrive by 2:30 so that we’d have enough time to talk before Medical Midwife came back at 3:00pm to push Pitocin.

2:30 pm - Our doula, we’ll call her Soothing Doula (SD) arrived (although she deserves a post all about her). SD advised us about my options - we talked about the pros and cons of using Pitocin versus an oral cervix ripener. She came prepared with research for us to read in the event that I had to be induced. She assured us that we did not need to rush into induction and we all agreed to continue trying to get my contractions started on their own.

3:00 pm - Medical Midwife visits us to check in and discuss induction. I told her I wanted some more time and that if I ended up being induced I wanted Pitocin not the oral cervix ripener - reason being that Pitocin is controlled through an IV and can be lowered or stopped as needed. Once I took an oral med, there was no going back. She agreed to give me more time. I was lucky that the Birthing Center was so busy that they were able to give me what NBP termed, benign neglect, which bought me time in trying to bring on contractions.

It was a beautiful sunny day with temperatures in the 60s. Medical Midwife permitted me to leave the Birthing Center floor for half an hour at a time, so we went outside and walked the hospital grounds. We walked and walked and walked.

With this shift change came the most amazing nurse (AN). She entered a little hyper, but was fun and, well you’ll hear more about her at the end..

4:00 pm - My mother arrives and we were heading out side for yet another walk. No signs of contractions. All four of us walked the hospital grounds. After walking a bit we went back in and ate dinner. Still, no contractions! After dinner A and I conferenced with SD about induction. It was hard to admit that I needed to be induced. This is not what I envisioned. I didn’t want an IV and knew it would limit my mobility and I knew with Pitocin, more interventions often follow. My greatest fear was that it would tip the scale to an Epidural. I was beginning to lose hope that I would go into labor on my own and if it seemed like I needed to be induced, I didn’t want to put it off too much longer - we’d been up since 3:00am and I knew I had a ton of work ahead of me. For these reasons I decided that if I did not go into labor on my own by 8:00pm, I would take Pitocin.

6:30 pm - Medical Midwife returned to check in and advised I start pitocin. I told her if I had not gone into labor by 8:00pm I’d take it then. We kept trying to get things going. My very antsy mother did a pretty good job of keeping her opinions to herself. I think she would have been happy if I’d taken the induction when I arrived at 6:00am! She was relived to hear me finalize my plan and to finally get things going.

Around this time our Doula’s apprentice arrived. She’d been to all our visits and it was our plan to have her at the birth.

8:00 pm - Drip drip drip. You guessed it, the IV went in, first a fluid drip and then pitocin. With the introduction of Pitocin, I was hooked up to a fetal heart monitor and contraction monitor. I had access to wireless monitors, but in the beginning there were problems with the batteries. Once that was worked out, it seemed the positions that worked best for me, wouldn’t allow the monitors to pick up Moon’s heart rate. And hearing the heart was of the utmost importance to my nurses.

I was so very nervous that now my nurse was in control of my labor. I feared the Pitocin would kick in too quickly or bring about hard contractions. I’ve never heard anything good about Pitocin. Luckily I was in the care of AN (amazing nurse as mentioned above). She casually chatted with us and I felt at ease with her, she felt more like a labor coach than a nurse and she was on my wave length. I think she said something about being a doula before she became a nurse.

Slight contractions began within the half hour. I was talking through them we were still all just hanging out. At some point my mother let me know if at any time I wanted her to leave, to just say the word. We had not planned on her attending the birth. But when she showed up and I was still not in labor, it felt very natural to have her there and honestly, I felt a little more secure knowing she was there.

Where time becomes blurry…

Contractions became harder and harder. I asked to be on the portable monitors and tried lots of different positions. All I remember is that the one that worked best, on the birthing ball, was not compatible with the fetal heart monitor. We kept working at easing my comfort and all those in attendance would help me by rubbing my legs when they’d tremble, or applying pressure on my back through a contraction. I don’t think I was with out a hand to hold and squeeze for the duration on the labor.

Wednesday, January 9th

Around 3:30AM - The 11:00pm shift change brought NBP back to us. A later told me that was one of the hardest points for her - when my first nurse came back on. I’d been laboring mostly out of the bed at this point (at least I think I was). And she expressed concern that my stamina was wearing thin. And we all knew I still had a long way to go. She suggested I take something to help me get some rest. Stubbornly, I declined and asked to get in the tub. At this point I had not been checked for dilation. Before I could get in the tub Medical Midwife needed to check me. Soothing Doula calmly advised A and I that Medical Midwife would give me a number, whatever the number was, don’t let it get us down. I had been seriously laboring for eight hours and awake for twenty four hours. TWO freaking centimeters dilated. How could I not let that get me down?! Still, I declined the drugs and opted for a shower.

I stood in the shower holding the bars, breathing through contractions as A held the shower head and moved it up and down my body. This was the first time I said to her, I don’t think I can do this anymore. A helped me out of the shower and dried me off between contractions. As she did this, I asked her what she thought NBP meant by give me something to help me rest? Surely I thought the nurse was crazy. How could I rest while my body was going through the most intense pain I’d ever expereinced?

When I left the bathroom I saw a gym mat set up on the floor. Think, elementary school gym class. I am not sure who brought it but the idea of getting on it with my birthing ball was appealing. I managed to get down on my knees and then began to vomit. From the gym mat I looked up at SD and said I wanted the drugs to help me rest. I think NBP was relieved. They all helped me into bed and I remember NBP telling me she was adding a Nubain drip to my IV as well as a shot in my leg. Then she said soon it’d be like I was at a party. And almost instantly, I was nodding off. I’d wake every three minutes and work through my contractions, making the most primal of noises as my support team rubbed the areas of my body that seemed to hurt most. There were at least three people with me at all times - one on both side and one at my feet.

8:30 am - My Nubain was starting to wear off and I was experiencing more and more awake time in between contractions. I told SD that I wanted to be checked again and that I really wanted to get into the tub. I started to think if I didn’t get in the tub soon, I’d need an Epidural. She calmed me and advised we take it one step at a time - get checked and then make the next decision. This coincided with the midwife shift change, we were onto our third and final midwife, Delivery Midwife.

By some alignment of the stars, Amazing Nurse had changed her schedule and was back that morning instead of her usual afternoon shift that I’d had her on the day before. She was assigned to me. I remember seeing her come into the room and I was so excited to see a face I recognized. I remember asking her to tell me her name again. AN called for Delivery Midwife in order to have me checked to see if I was dilated enough to get in the tub. There was much excitement when she declared me NINE centimeters! With all the excitement, they seemed to have forgotten that I wanted the tub. I looked to SD and said, I want the tub! She halted everyone and their efforts were redirected to getting me to the tub room - all the way at the other end of the hall. SD warned me I’d have contractions on the way to the tub, and that when I felt them coming on, I should hold the railing on the wall. I wanted that tub so bad, I was almost running there, and managed to only have one contraction on the way.

9:00 am - A and I were in the tub. I was hurting. But the warmth and the water really helped me to move my body with the contractions. And to really engage in moving the baby into the final position. SD advised me on noises to make and where to focus my energy. My mom continuously placed ice cold cloths on my forehead and held my juice up to mine and A’s mouths to sip from a straw. We were drinking cranberry juice and I was going through it fast. Every time I finished another bottle, someone would have to leave and get another one. I became so frustrated that at some point I asked, can’t someone just get a pitcher of juice for me? I think that was the extent of my labor bitchiness.

Amazing Nurse and Soothing Doula were my greatest coaches through this last labor period. At one point SD asked if it was okay for her to step out for two minutes. I agreed and then had a really hard contraction. AN overheard me say to her, I don’t want you to leave, not even for two minutes. And she stepped in and said she’d hold my hand and help me if I was comfortable with her so SD could get two mintues. She was the only other person I would have at that moment. I said something like, yes that’s okay, I feel as comfortable with you as with SD. We had some unexplainable bond. Around this time AN also started singing and encouraged everyone to sing the baby out. It didn’t last long, but it was a nice distraction.

Delivery Midwife picked up from some of the noises I was making that I was starting to feel the urge to push. She checked me and there was some sort of lip still on my cervix. She advised me to keep working through contractions. We’d been in the tub about two hours when we decided it would be best for me to get out as the tub was relaxing me and stalling things a bit.

11:00 am - I got into the bed and Delivery Midwife did all she could to help me use my contractions to break the lip. She became worried enough at one point to call in the Ob/GYN (who happened to be the doctor who did my HSG last spring). She checked me and gave me clearance to start pushing. Delivery Midwife advised me to try a variety of positions, much to my surprise, I liked laying down the best. Perhaps I was just too tired to do much of anything else?!

I found pushing to be the best part of the whole labor process. I finally felt like my contractions were moving us somewhere. I know each contraction contributed to getting Moon into position, but the pushing contractions got him out.

I went deep within myself and tunned out all the people around me. Through out the entire labor, when ever I needed to focus I’d look at Soothing Doula, and without words, I’d focus. This was true while pushing as well. As I felt each contraction approaching I would talk myself through what I needed to do. I’d verbalize to everyone I was starting feel it, then pull up my legs, tuck my head to my chest, focused all my energy, breathed in deeply, and then pushed - low and hard. I averaged two long pushes with each contraction, sometimes three. Everyone cheered me on.

Time passed quickly. Before I knew it, I was feeling his head low in the birth canal. My support team beamed with excitement when they saw his head for the first time and exclaimed he had a ton of hair. Amazing Nurse took my hand at one point and place it on his head. I continued with my pushing and inward focusing. I did however tune into the fact that the medical professionals in the room were getting anxious. The Ob/GYN was called back in and Amazing Nurse began to give me oxygen. I knew I was so close, and yet I knew they were really worried. Delivery Midwife advised me, Moon’s heart rate was climbing and I needed to try to get the baby out with the next contraction. I’ve never tried so hard to do anything in my entire life. I knew I needed to use the next contraction to get the baby out, no matter what it took. I prepared myself and produced three or four long pushes. I waited to feel the, so called ring of fire, the burning many women experience as the head passes. If it was there, I did not feel it, perhaps because I was so focused on getting my baby out, my baby who’s heart was again in distress. With that push, I felt the head come out and then his floppy body followed. I was dazed as I heard A announce, BOY! And he was immediately placed on my chest. I wrapped my arms around him, and fell in love.

There is so much more to say about our hospital stay and his first week…but that will all come later. Thank you to everyone for all you comments and emails. It’s been so wonderful to feel so showered with love as we entered motherhood. And to know there are so many people out there who care. Moon’s new blog name will be Mr. E. I’ve started calling him that in real life, so it seemed natural to use it here.

It’s a quiet New Year’s Eve in our home this year, and that’s just what I wanted. Each day I tire easier and easier and by afternoon my energy is almost depleted, so going out, in any fashion tonight is out of the question. We’d considered going to the local fireworks, but after returning home this afternoon, and walking through the cold and wind from the car to the house, we decided to put on our pjs and settle in for the night. There’s a pot of chili cooking on the stove and soon corn bread will be baking in the oven. It’s so very quiet here and we are enjoying being. I can’t imagine a better New Year’s Eve for this particular time in our lives.

A posted her year in review. I am far too scattered of a writer to synthesize a whole year in any coherent manner, so I’ve decided not to try. I will say that 2007 will forever be the year we FINALLY achieved our baby dreams. As long as I live, I will always remember the utter shock I experienced on May 15th, 2007 at 4:30am after receiving our first +hpt. It feels like just yesterday that we were standing speechless in the bathroom, staring at the +hpt. We hugged and kissed, and I think we were mostly in disbelief that it was really happening. My pregnancy defined much of the remainder of 2007.

It’s been an amazing journey. 2008 holds much change for us. The biggest, of course, the birth of Moon, but also a career change for A, a move “back home” to plant roots and to raise our kid(s) near family, and me stepping off my career path in search of something new, or maybe just to indulge in a long break from higher education. Eight hours of this year remain and tomorrow we’ll enter Moon’s “due month”, the kicks, turns, and somersaults, I feel as I type will soon be felt on the outside. Our time together will change, and A will, as she said recently, know how Moon is with out having to ask me. I’m ready. I’m ready to meet Moon, to hold him/her on the outside and I am ready for A to hold Moon and continue her bonding process.

2007 was super, but 2008 will be great! (Sorry…I couldn’t resist!)

I wish everyone a happy and safe holiday!

It’s only been four days since Christmas and I have yet to post all about our holiday and by now I am not sure it’s worth posting about. But here goes…

We had a wonderful last holiday with out a baby. We spent four nights at my parents house (despite the uncomfortable bed situation…) and gleaned lots and lots of quality time with our nephews, which is what we were most excited about. Nephew #1 was so much fun this year. He is almost three and it was the first year he “got it.” This, of course put the magic back in the holiday for all of us. I enjoyed visiting with family members one last time before having the baby, and it was special to receive gifts for “baby” and “cousin.” We also hauled home a bunch of hand me down baby gear that our nephews have outgrown (infant car seat, bassinet to keep on our first floor, tons of clothing!). Oh, and while most people we saw think I am having a boy, based on how I am carrying (which I am not sure I buy into), Nephew #1 is certain it’s a girl. I’m still getting the boy vibe.

Christmas was a mellow day for us. We did the traditional present exchange in the morning, with Nephew #1 opening everyone’s presents for them, followed by a big breakfast, and then lots of napping, followed by a big dinner. We don’t do any running around and my parents keep the number of people coming for dinner to a minimum, since our immediate family has grown to six adults and two kids, plus a few more. I have really come to like the smaller gatherings. Everyone is far more relaxed. When I was younger we often had both my father and mother’s siblings and their kids, plus other friends. And I loved it as a kid. Now the more people, the more my parents stress, the less fun it is for everyone…so small has become my preference. This has been balanced by hosting a more casual gathering on Christmas Eve, which A and I took over this year. For me, the night before Christmas is more fun, and filled with anticipation, so I prefer visiting with extended family on Christmas Eve.  All in all, I felt blessed to spend time with so many family and friends over the holiday, and to hold on to moments of my life as I know it, before the baby turns our world upside down.

A and I traveled home the day after Christmas and spent the whole next day running errands before our friend came to visit for two nights (There were lots of errands, but the highlight was getting A a new cell phone, which is way fancy and cool. As she drove us home I was playing with the gadgets on it and found it has a stop watch function. It took me more than a minute before realizing this would be helpful to time contractions as we’ve recently begun to wonder how we’d do that since neither of us own a watch. Cool, eh.) That was the same day I started to come down a cold that is starting to kick my but. It was great to see our friend, so much fun really. And he was super understanding of me feeling under the weather, and also of my pregnant state, but man, was it still exhausting to host. At times I was too tired to talk. As soon as he left this afternoon, I just felt a bit more relaxed. I’ve never felt so exhausted while hosting and it was a good preview for after the baby, and also reinforced the need for boundaries around guests.

A had her last class EVER today! She’s home now, putting all her school stuff away. We don’t go back to work till Wednesday of next week, and then Friday is her last day at her job! She starts student teaching the following Monday! I can’t believe we’re at this transition! I can’t believe we’re about to live on one income! I can’t believe we’re about to have a baby! It’s all happening so fast. Like we’ve been climbing a hill for months on end, and now the avalanche of change is tumbling down.

Nephew #2 will have a stocking after all! Given that it does not usually take too long for me knit a Christmas stocking, I sure took a long time to finish this one. Life, it’s just been too busy. But here it is all ready to hang with the rest. I can’t imagine what it will be like to knit our baby’s stocking next year! I better start as soon as we have a name!

I am super busy at work this week, exhaustion has set in and I’ve not kept up on blogging. And I am frantically trying to finish knitting Nephew #2’s Christmas stocking, which I plan to do tonight…and hopefully the finishing decorative touches will happen tomorrow night, right after I go buy the things I need to do the decorative touches (and then we leave town Saturday). And while I am talking about work…we hired a temp to cover my maternity leave! This has been quite a process and I am so glad it’s working out!!!!

Thank you, everyone that has weighed in on names. It’s so fun to hear what you all think. Sorry to be so secretive about the names we are considering. We’re just not cool with putting them out to the internet at large. You’ve given us a lot to think about. Perhaps when the baby is born there will be a password protected post with the first name. Maybe.

I am 35 weeks today. And I feel it. I am just more tired, and move really sloooooooooooow, and get sore easily. Sleeping is getting harder. I am sleeping in longer chunks than I was a few weeks ago, but it’s not deep sleep and I wake to reposition often. My cat INSISTS that the bottom part of the Snoogle pillow, the part that curves tightly to come from your back to between your legs, is her bed. Every time I wake up, she has climbed back in there and I have to move her. I got our Boppy nursing pillow out for her, hoping that would satisfy her, but nooooooo (though the other cat loves it). I think she wants my body heat and the pillow since I currently sleep with the room at about 50 degrees (and I always wake with no covers on, and yes the air conditioner is still in the window - guess we’ll have to remove it before the baby comes, but for now I like it cold).

We met with our favorite midwife yesterday and she confirmed with out a doubt the baby is head down. We’ve thought so for a while, but now we know for sure. Everything else is going well. She seemed a little surprised that we’re traveling for Christmas, but I did ask her a long time ago if it would be okay and she said yes as long as everything is going well. And it is. I would be so very depressed to stay home this Christmas. So we’re going ahead with our plans to travel three hours by car.

Tomorrow begins mine and A’s 11 day vacation! (Sort of, I have to work a few hours Saturday morning…but I’m ignoring this fact). I am ready for the time off. I hope it gives me a chance to catch up and rest. I fear that all the running around I am doing at work these days is going to leave me exhausted when it comes time to actually have this baby. The break will be nice and maybe I will be able to hold onto the vacation feeling until I have the baby. We’ll be at my parent’s from Saturday through Wednesday and then once we return home a very good friend is coming to visit Thursday through the weekend. I don’t think we’ve seen him since we were in our last tww and we wanted one more visit pre-baby. Our New Years plans fell through, but that’s really okay with me. I’d rather not have a plan and just see what happens. When I told A this she said she thinks I am afraid of commitment and can’t believe I married her. Ha ha. I’m not afraid of commitment, it’s just that I don’t really like schedules. And honestly, I am not sure I will have any energy to do anything on New Years.

Okay…I am off to finish knitting the stocking.

Pretty much since the day I told my Dad I was pregnant, he has asked me ‘how are you feeling’ in every conversation that has followed.

Today he asked, and I answered per usual, feeling well, a little uncomfortable at times, but all is well.

Then he asked if I was big. I replied, I have a belly, but I am not huge.

His reply? Oh, you are having a girl.

I said you think so?

And he responds, yes, if your not too big then it’s definitely a girl.

He has made his wishes for a girl know pretty much from day one…we’ll see.

Nephew #1 just called. Here’s how the conversation went:

N: Hi auntie.

Me: Hi.

N: You want to come play at my house today?

Me: I do want to but I can’t.

N: You can’t?

Me: No.

N: How come? Don’t you want to come play?

Me: I do want to but I can’t. I have to work today (this is the only line he understands for why you wouldn’t be able to do something with him).

We chat about what he’s been doing: playgroup, visiting santa, sleep overs at Grammy and Grampy’s.

Me: Well it was nice to talk to you. See you at Christmas. I love you.

N: I love you. I love you. I love you…

He is so freaking cute. I can’t wait to be there all the time.

I am loving today. I am in a place between one crazy week and about to embark on our travels for the holiday. But today, A and I decided to blow off work and just be. Stay home, in our pjs, read, blog, and relax. Work thinks we should go in for half a day, we thought otherwise…and I felt vindicated by the fact that in the last two work days I managed to cross EVERYTHING off my to do list that’s been running since October (it’s amazing what two days with out students can do for my productivity)!

The last week and a half was hectic to put it mildly. As I kept pushing to get through it, I focused on this break, this time of regathering. It’s almost better to have a lazy Wednesday than a lazy Saturday! Tomorrow things will pick up again. We’ll wake early to get on the road and make our way to A’s family’s for Thanksgiving. We’ll spend two nights there and do a bunch of visiting, I am sure. But it’s also usually pretty relaxed. We decided to come home Saturday so we’d have Sunday at home before we go back to work. It’s apparent to me how much we need our down time, and I think in our unconscious we know that time will be limited once the baby comes, so we’re storing it up now.

The last week was filled with so much, and I am not sure how to organize my thoughts around it all. First, we had a going away party for our friends who got on the road this morning with heir moving truck to Ohio. I am still not sure the reality has set in. You know, one of the things I hate about being a grown up is that everyone is mobile. Especially now, many are in the stage before settling down, or moving to settle down, and each time another one leaves, I feel left behind. I am ready to be in a place where people are static. The party on Friday night lead us into all day childbirth class on Saturday and half a day Sunday. I was pleasantly surprised that I liked the teacher. She is a former doula and came highly recommend by our midwives. But I was still skeptical because we were taking the class at a hospital I don’t really like (so happy I am not having Moon there). It turned out to be a worthwhile endeavor. We met another couple that live about ten minutes from us and we all seemed interested in keeping in touch, so we’ll see where that goes. I imagine it could be nice to have someone to call up and hang out with when home on maternity through the dreary winter! Sunday morning we had brunch with the Parker Martins. It was so much fun! The twins are so cute and well natured. It was great to talk to their moms in person and connect as we begin to navigate defining our families while sharing the same donor.  And they gave a bunch of really great hand-me-downs!

No wonder we needed today to settle in…we’ve said goodbye to dear friends, hello to new friends, learned all about the birthing process and are gearing up to greet the holiday season.

It’s been a slow week over here at Two Moms. I haven’t really had much to say, and I’ve been tired, and we’ve been busy plowing through the 4th season of the L Word, which we did finish last night.

I’ve been on-call since Friday and while the weekend was quiet, things picked up once Monday rolled around. So far I’ve been called out the last two nights for mental health concerns for two different students. Last night’s call came at 2am and I didn’t get back to bed till 5am, so I am pretty low energy today and really hoping for a break tonight. It’s that time of the semester when students start to panic about the work they should have done, but have not. Some start to stress about the upcoming holidays and having to go home to bad family situations, or worse, not having a family to go home to. As someone who works at a college, I start to get excited because this time of year means several much needed breaks. Many students will leave over the weekend for Thanksgiving break and when they return there are only two weeks left of classes at which time they will leave for winter break…and I will be blessed with peace and quiet, a chance to catch up on all my work, and the time to make the final push to get everything organized so that when I do go out on maternity the person (still yet to be determined) will be able to pick up where I leave off.

In the name change department. A has done 99.9% of the work, as she tends to do around most things in our personal lives since my job occupies me more than any job every should. She recently asked me if it would be okay if she made me a “to do list” including pre-birth and names change things that I have to do (meaning she would do for me if she could, but they are things I personally have to do for one reason or another). Today, for the first time, I was able to cross several items off the list; I changed my name with our bank, had my Roth IRA name change notarized, and mailed both our Roth IRA name change paperwork. This was huge progress for me. We’re getting there…slowly but surely…and all thanks to A.

The update on my uncle is that his seizures let up a bit and he was moved from ICU to a regular room on Monday. More tests are run all the time. His doctors say it’s a miracle he is alive right now. They’ve only ever seen two people with this illness and both were dead with in days. He is a fighter. The down side is that we now know that if he does pull out and regain consciousness his cognitive capacity will not exceed a five year old.

Tonight I need to bake a pumpkin pie to take to our host family dinner tomorrow night. This is a gathering of all the families that host an international student on the campus we work at, and it’s our end of the semester dinner gathering. I really hope my pumpkin puree has defrosted enough to bake the pie. Friday night we are hosting a going away party for our good friends who are moving to Ohio next week. The reality of their move hit me today. I am so very sad. But the party should be fun. Saturday and Sunday we have our crash course in child birth. I am not really all that excited about it, but do see some merit in going. I think we’re supposed to go see our host student in a dance recital on Saturday night, but she has not emailed me the info yet, and honestly, I think I’ll be too tired to go…I am a bad bad bad host mother. At the end of this long, tiresome week we are finally going to get to meet The Parker Martin twins and their Moms aka, the babies conceived with the same donor as Moon! We’ve been chatting over email/blogs for a long time now and they are visiting the area we live so we are getting together for brunch (before CB classes) on Sunday. I can’t wait!

So there you have it, my week in a nutshell, and as the title says, a post about nothing in particular. Now I am off to bake a pie, I hope.

I woke this morning after another hellish night of sleep and my back still hurt (I guess I better get used to it). I called my mom to check in and see how she was doing, it was the first time this week she was able to pull herself together enough to have a conversation about my uncle with out crying. Yesterday’s update was that he probably had three days to live and she’d decided if that’s all he had then she wanted to spend each day with him. We talked as she was en route to the hospital (she’s driving two hours each way, every day). I decided in that conversation that I needed to go to the hospital today. After making a few phone calls into work I got on the road and arrived at the hospital around Noon.

When I got there our family was overtaking the ICU waiting room. My mom, aunt, three cousins and an uncle who’d flown in from Washington state were there. More family filtered in through out the day. Now I went because I wanted to support my aunt and cousins. I’d been avoiding going because I did not want my last memory of my uncle to be of him sick. But, I decided I needed to go. I needed to support them. I needed to support my mom. I would have been content sitting in the waiting room all day. I did not need to see him. And for a while it seemed as thought I may not get to see him because the doctors were running tests and it was taking a long time. Three hours passed before presented with my first chance to see him. At that time my mom asked me to go in with her and I couldn’t say no. So I went. But I lasted only short time, maybe 30 seconds. It was too painful to see him, unconscious, yet still struggling.

We all continued to hang out as we were waiting for a family meeting with one of the doctors. Of course the doctor was late so we waited and waited. It finally happened. Once over my aunt and cousins reported back to those of us in the waiting room that things had gotten better. This was the first time we’d received hope since this whole ordeal began. Now the doctors are saying he does have the strain of encephalitis that is treatable. And his other tests (I’ve lost track of the names of all the tests) came back better than they were 48 hours ago. He is by no means out of the woods; the next few days are critical. The seizures need to end in order for him to move towards recovery. All very good news. The bad news is that the good news was never really good. If he survives, he will have brain damage. We just have no idea the extent at this point. He’d have a long road ahead of him. But he’s a fighter, that’s clear from the turn around he’s made in the last two days, and he always liked to be busy so I’m sure he’ll be up to the challenge.

I’m glad I went. It was good to be with everyone. And I was lucky to be there for the good news. The whole day took a whole lot out of me though. I am so exhausted. And I am fighting tension headache #2 of this week and my meds don’t seem to be working. I am so thankful that it’s Friday, even though I am now on-call, and am hoping for a quiet weekend full of rest.

Thank you to everyone for your comments and emails of support. The latest update was that they are 95% sure he does not have the treatable strain. Per usual, more info to follow today when more tests come back. It’s getting worse and when my mother called to tell me she said all of this through her tears in about 10 seconds and then had to get off the phone because she can’t talk about it with out sobbing. I can’t even begin to tell you how much it hurts me when my mother is this upset. And I think the reality of the situation is just starting to sink in. It always takes me a while to process things…and I was holding out hope till it was just confirmed that indeed he is not going to get better. I am just so struck at how very fragile life is.

In other family affairs…go wish my cousin the best of luck and fertile vibes as she embarks on IUI #3 today. We need some good to balance the bad right now.

You know how you hear of stories on the news? The shocking stories of a person catching an infectious disease and before you know it they are seriously sick or die soon after diagnosis? You read the headline, maybe listen to the whole 45 second blip on the news, and then move on, ‘cause that wouldn’t happen to your family? Yeah, me too. That all changed yesterday.

The phone rang just as my family sat down to breakfast. It was my cousin calling to say my uncle was very sick and hospitalized, he’d had a high fever earlier in the week and was becoming disoriented. When he started talking as though the last 20 years hadn’t happened, they took him to the hospital. The next call came later the same afternoon, and the news was not good. E.ncephalitis. After this call, my mother was on the phone most of the night with his family, her sister, and other brother. I spent the night comforting her as she cried. Comforting her in times of death has become an all-too-familiar experience over the last several years as she lost both her parents. In the last year or so she’s just come out of the depression she went into after her father passed away. Last night she had that same vacant sad look.

She and my dad went to see him in the hospital today. The information they got today was different than yesterday. It’s clear no one really knows what’s wrong or if he’ll get better. Yesterday the doctors said he does not have the one treatable type of encephalitis. Today they’ve started to treat it just in case and they (say) they’ll know Tuesday what type it is. But even the good news is bad. It may be treatable, but it could take 1 or 2 years before he could get better, or he could just continue to live with brain damage. Or he could die overnight. Or any day. It’s all very confusing to me, It seems as though every time my mother gets off the phone, the prognosis is different. It’s clear they just don’t know enough yet to really know what’s going on. The results due back on Tuesday should reveal if it’s W.est Ni.le or Trip.le E. W.est Ni.le, would apparently be better than Trip.le E.

Meanwhile, my uncle is very confused. He seems to have lost the last 20 years of his memory. He thinks everyone is in the Army with him. When he asks to go home, they tell him he has an infection in his brain and he needs to stay in the hospital to receive his medicine, and says oh. thanks for telling me. The conversation repeats five minutes later. He’s an antsy man, and this is still true now. He frequently jumps out of bed, which dislodges the IV transmitting his medication. The virus is also making him not hungry, so they are starting a feeding tube tonight or tomorrow.

We really have no idea how this will end. Of course we want him to make a full recovery. Soon. We don’t know if that’s possible. If not, we hope for some level of quality of life. We also don’t know if that’s possible. So for now we wait and hope Tuesday’s results bring more answers. All the while, scratching our heads in disbelief that this is happening to our family.

A and I met with our new lawyer today. We used a different lawyer for our KD contract back when we were using a KD. A local blogger recently referred us to this new lawyer. (Let me tell you, it’s been funny to answer the questions, and how were you referred? when asked by the receptionist and also by the lawyer.) This blogger went so far as to say this lawyer is the best where we live. This of course made me want to know more. So I poked around on the internet and then called to ask prices. I was pleased to learn the new lawyer was cheaper and seemed to be more reputable. She offered us a free consultation, we figured why not? We were not disappointed. I left the meeting feeling fully confident in her ability to make this as easy and affordable as possible. But more importantly, she felt human, and I felt I could ask questions and she took the time to make sure I understood everything. The other lawyer made me feel rushed, this lawyer did not rush us.

We set up the appointment wanting to talk about drafting wills and to get started on the second parent adoption paperwork. First and foremost we were happy to learn there are some ridiculously out dated laws (that were certainly not written to benefit same sex couples, but do nonetheless) still on the books that because of our legal marriage status, automatically entitles A as a legal parent of the child I birth, this is also the reason why her name can be on the birth certificate from birth. However, for lots of reasons, we both feel strongly we need to go forward with the second parent adoption. The lawyer spent lots of time explaining all the steps in the adoption. We learned that traditional adoptions usually have three steps (at this stage any way, I am sure there are 3,000 steps in all):

• The biological “father” has to terminate rights. In the event that the father can’t be found, then a legal notice must be published announcing the intentions for adoption, and someone (I guess the bio father) could then object.
• A home study is conducted by an agency to assess the prospective parents with regard to: home, relationship, finances, etc. I understand this is a very expensive process, not to mention intrusive.
• A six month residency requirement where for the first six months of the placement an outside agency assesses to make sure it’s a good match and all is going well.

This all seems pretty ridiculous given:

1. We used an anonymous sperm donor (and we are so happy none of the KDs worked out).
2. The baby has been incubated in our home and this will be it’s first home.
3. NO ONE is taking this baby away from us after six months because it’s not a good fit.

Of course, I knew some if not all of this may be waived given our situation but I was not sure just how. We were relieved to learn that within our court district the judges just about always accept a series of paperwork to prove conception through anonymous sperm, there by eliminating a need to “find the father;” will accept a home study waiver if we complete sixteen thousand pieces of paper detailing all the information normally gathered in a home study; and after doing all this and for obvious reasons, the residency requirement is waived. This is all very good news. Several towns over, the judges are not so accommodating and will not waive these requirements there by forcing same sex parents to not only waste a ton of time as they move through their adoption, but also to shell out significant money on top of the already expensive adoption fee…several.towns.over.people. We’re not talking different states, we’re talking towns. How effed up is that?!

The lawyer indicated if we get all our paperwork done before birth and then we fill in the details (baby’s name, obtain birth certificate, etc.) after the birth, then the latest it would be final would be May! We want it done before we move in July, so this was welcomed news. We questioned her about ensuring A’s legal rights to the child before the adoption is final and she offered us and option that will provide her with emergency legal rights to make decisions on behalf of the baby in the event that anything happens to me. This is a temporary document, good for 60 days. I will sign one soon and continue to resign them as they expire until the adoption is final.

After spending all this time talking about the adoption, we moved into talking about our wills, powers of attorney, and health care proxies. (Can I just say, I feel like a real grown up). This stuff was boring but now we know what we need to do. And we’ll do it. We’ll work with the lawyer to complete the wills and powers of attorney, and we can easily fill out health care proxies on our own. Turns out we won’t finalize the will until the baby is born because once it is born we’d have to update it to include the baby’s name. Waiting saves us an updating fee.

Fees. One thing I really liked about this new lawyer, other than her patience, was that she really seemed to be doing all she could to keep this affordable. She is so well versed in second parent adoption that it does not take much of her time to file the paperwork (her time = our money). She was honest with us about things we can do with out her, and also gave us tips of how to reduce the amount of time she needs to spend on our case - for example if we produce our marriage license and the birth certificate then she won’t bill us for time spent doing these tasks. But if we wanted her to do it she would. Same goes for the health care proxy. We can download the forms for free. Or we can ask her to take care of it all. She was upfront that waiting till after birth for the wills would save money and that waiting to sign the powers of attorney at the same time as the wills will also save money. All very good news, since this is all kind of expensive. In the end we signed a contract with her, and as soon as I send her a check she’ll be on retainer for us and the adoption stuff will officially be underway. Again, to say I have a lawyer on retainer makes me feel really grown up.

So that’s all the good news. We live in a state that has second parent adoption. We have a great lawyer, she’s working with us, it will all be done before the big move, and so on. But I couldn’t help but feel sad as we sat there plotting to ensure A’s legal parental rights to our child. I’ve known we’d go through an adoption, but I’ve always thought of this baby as ours. From the very start, she and I were in this together. We wanted to create our family. We shared all the ups and downs of ttc. And when I got pregnant, she was just as excited as I. She takes care of me when the pregnancy is difficult. Together we’ve prepared our home to welcome this baby. She is with me at every prenatal visit (and was at every insemination - hell she pushed the syringe at every insemination, she got me pregnant). And yet, we have to go through all this extra work and pay a bunch of money just to legalize her rights. Sometimes the law sucks. It sucks that as of this moment, she is a legal stranger to the baby I am carrying. When, she is anything but a stranger to this baby.

I’m having a “this is one of our last (fill in the blank) with out a child moments.” Next year we’ll have a nine month old to dress up and celebrate! We’ll live near family and get to join in on the parties I only hear about now. I can’t wait!

I don’t know what’s with the one word titles these days. As I’ve begun writing this post out in my head and working it out through conversations, ready is the best way to describe how I feel about bringing this baby into our world.

I am not nervous about how the baby will change everything. I am ready to become a mother. For as long as I can remember, that is what I wanted more than anything else. I wanted to wait till around 30 to become a mom, but I knew I wanted it. When I think about the changes and the struggles we’ll got through as we grow with our baby, I know it will only deepen mine and A’s relationship with each other as well as our relationships to family. We are a solid team. We’ve been working things out and loving each other for nearly seven years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses and we support each other as we succeed and struggle.

I know having a baby is not glamorous. Believe me, I’ve been around our nephews (and other babies) enough to know this. We’re lucky to have a family where everyone helps out. Knowing we’ll be able to tap into family help puts me at ease. I was more than excited to help my SIL after Nephew #1 was born. We spent four weeks at my parents house together that summer. During that time we shared care. The hardest part was night duty and I won’t lie, getting up to feed him and being sleep deprived was not my favorite part (and I realize it will be a whole different game with our own child). But the hard parts are all part of the package. And I want the package. I want the package more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I have a support system that will balance the baby’s needs / my needs / mine and A’s needs. By saying I am ready, I am not saying it will be easy. Rather that I want it and I am prepared for the challenges and the joys.

I do anticipate days of sheer frustration, alienation, sadness, fatigue. I’d be a fool to think our baby will be different from any other baby with respect to how they can run a mom down. And as the (hopeful) milk mom, sahm, I will naturally experience the baby different from A. Not better, just different. But that does not mean her experience will be any less meaningful, or her contributions to our family any less valued. Just after the baby is born, I think I’ll have it easy compared to her. I’ll be on maternity leave (home and cozy with the baby with no responsibility other than to care and love the babe) and she’ll be adjusting to the new baby while student teaching and finishing grad school. This will be our ultimate test in balancing each others needs. It’s going to be hard. And it’s going to be possible. And in the end, as my uncle used to say, we’ll have our neat little package. And we’ll be so in love.

A while back I was given a trunk full of hand-me-down maternity clothes in all sizes. These clothes have gone a long way in keeping me dressed while not breaking our bank. Some of them fit great, others not so much, and others I will grown into. The trunk was a huge blessing! But what I was missing were pajamas. There was one pair of pj pants in the trunk. I’ve been wearing those pants and big shirts to bed (and believe me I tried to wear pre preg pjs, and they were too tight). But as my belly is growing the pants are getting a little, shall we say, snug. And my belly hangs out of the one bed shirt that still fits me, so I often wake with a cold belly. I’ve searched everywhere for maternity pjs lately and just when I was starting to think I am the only pregnant women who sleeps, I found a pair of reasonably priced pjs at Ol.d Na.vy. I am sitting in them right now and I am in heaven. When you’re pregnant you tend to forget what it’s like to have comfortable clothes that fit you. Right now I don’t even feel like I am in maternity clothes! It’s so wonderful.

And totally unrelated…

I’ve been having the best conversations with Nephew #1 lately. We’ve talked on the phone twice this week. The last time being tonight. When I answered the first thing he asked was “Where is A?” That’s always his first question. Then he went on to tell me: grampy is picking up pizza for dinner, and baby brother is sleeping in his seat, and he went to play group today, and then he asked how I was doing (fine and you I ask back), he replies, I’m doing okay. Then he states over and over to who ever would listen “I’m talking to E.” I can’t get over how well he is talking and how engaged he is over the phone.

Two days ago I was looking at a calender for 2008 and plotting out when I’d return to work if I delivered at 38, 40, or 42 weeks- which are all well within the range of what’s to be expected. Now granted when I go back to work I will then leave my job on June 15th when my “contract” is up and we move across the state. Once there, everything is a big question mark.

But back to me looking at the calender. I realized how sad I was at the thought of going back to work, even for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve been telling myself - and everyone else that once we move I’ll mostly be a SAHM, while I work a very flexible and part time gig with my Dad. Child care will be provided by my SIL and/or my hours will be worked around A’s work schedule in effort to avoid day care. My Dad has gone so far as to say, just bring the baby to work. Which I would not do with regularity because I know I’d get nothing done.

Those feelings of sadness were eased by knowing that when I do return to finish the school year A will be home with the baby and that we know for certain that Moon will be home with one of us from birth till through August, at least. I am truly thankful for that. But for the first time I began to accept the reality that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay home. I am cozily balled up in my fantasy of staying home while A works. But the truth is, we have no idea what our life and financial situation will be after we move. The  unknow has let me carry out this dream of being a SAHM and I’ve begun to truly believe it will happen. I know we will do anything with in our power to make it happen, but that may not be enough.

I find myself incredibly jealous of women who can easily make the choice to stay home. By this I mean those who have the financial resources. The privilege. I remember telling my mom I waned to stay home (back before the plan to relocate, which does make staying home more attainable) and she knew that in our current situation we’d never make it after giving up half our income. And she kind of gave me the are you crazy look? Yet, she and my Dad still scoff at how my brother and SIL put their son in day care at 17 months since they didn’t need to.

If I get to stay home we’ll be living on a shoe string. But I’ll be with our baby. That is what we both want. We don’t have anything against day care, and do respect that each family makes a decision that is best for them. We think avoiding day care