Category Archive

Now that my period is back and my cycle is on its way to regulating there’s been talk of ttc our second child (please let it only be one, after all I am a clomid gal). I want to enjoy this time with Mr. E and not rush into the next baby. As we walk the path back to ttc, that is my marker for readiness. We have (moving) target dates for when we’ll start, and ideas about minimally how far apart we’re comfortable with them being. But one thing that never changes, we’re impulsive, we change our minds every other day, and we’re probably so sleep deprived that we shouldn’t even be permitted to make the decision to have another one. And after my half day with Mr. E and our two nephews (10 months and 3 years), I began to reconsider another one altogether. Taking care of all three is exhausting. Picture this: Mr. E on me in the Ergo, 10 month old J in the stroller, 3 year old J riding his bike. Now, me running after J on his bike, while wearing Mr. E and pushing the stroller. And that’s the scene when the babies are confined. When we’re in the house it’s nuts!

But I digress. We will try for another. And we’ll probably do it sooner rather than later, and most likely sooner than we originally planned. As A said to me last night “why drag out having you home forever. Let’s just have the kids and be done with it.” (Of course she said it lovingly.)

All this talk has propelled me back to my time being pregnant. Somehow it doesn’t seem so bad. But I know it was. I know I was uncomfortable, and everything hurt, and I was emotional, and so on. But now, now, I yearn for the closeness with Mr. E that we shared for 10 months. I remember walking around while pregnant, thinking how amazing it was that he went everywhere with me, and dreading the day that would cease to be true. The other night something moved in my stomach (probably gas) and it felt as it did when Mr. E was in me moving. And I longed to feel that intimacy with him.

I hated being pregnant so I can’t believe I miss anything about it or that I am nostalgic and wanting to do it again. I already know breastfeeding will be the same. I didn’t know if I’d like bfing, and it turns out I am pretty damn good at it and so is he. I can’t say as though I love it, but I don’t hate it, I enjoy the time together, and most of all I am humbled to be so fortunate as to produce food for my child. I have every intention of bfing till he’s one, and then will see what happens. TTC plans may necessitate weaning. No mater what I know I will miss it when we’re done. Just as I somehow now miss being pregnant.

CD 16, 5am - I wake up, an hour early, and know that I should take my temp now even though it’s early because moving around will give a false reading. After several attempts to see if I really turned it on, I get my reading, 97.1 (f). A wave of relief washes over me, I have not spiked yet. As I make my way to the bathroom to poas for the monitor, I feel giddy, I always get that “christmas morning” feeling when I think my monitor will peak. I even wait with it for the full five minutes instead of bringing it back to bed with me. All for what? A “high” reading, so I open an opk (I’ve learned to always pee in a cup and never toss it till you are done dipping sticks). I waited for the opk results. Almost, positive, like the two yesterday.

I crawled back into bed. A. asks, “did you peak.” And I give her the bad news. Five minutes later she asks, “do you still want me to go get the sperm?” I reply, “I don’t know.” I think we have the same middle of the night conversation every cycle. She decides she’ll go with her plan and get up at 7 to call the lab then go get it. (A has taken sperm fetching on as her job through this process.)

I overslept and rushed out of bed to jump in the shower. My life revolves around four hour increments this time of my cycle and I realized I could take and other opk at 9am…if I can wait that long! I made it through my shower and then figured it would be fine to test at 8:15 instead of 9. Holy effing +opk! Relieved to have tested again so I had some real news to give my MW when I phone in at 8:30. We made a plan that I will have her paged at 4:30 and we’ll make a plan for time and place for the iui. Of course, this is the one night I was supposed to work this week…but what can ya do?

So, the monitor did not peak, my temp went down… last clomid cycle looked the same, so I except a +opk tonight and a peak in the morning with ovulation sometime tomorrow (I am convinced my LH surge comes within 12 hours of ovulation, I am a freak of nature). My MW is on call tomorrow, so she’ll do the IUI if it’s tomorrow, which is so great. But I am not getting too excited yet.

Also…our lady from DSS called to set up our initial safety inspection! She’s coming next Monday!!!! Oh my Goddess! Good thing we just got our carbon monoxide detectors installed last week! Those that have been through this, please tell us what to expect. It’s just the first home inspection, but i have no idea what she’s looking for.

All of a sudden I feel crazy for ttc and pursuing adoption, but I know it’s the best thing for us right now.

Edited to Add:
I POAS just now and a second line is showing up…the surge is on the way!!!!

I went back to for a cd14 ultrasound today. I only have one good follie and it measured in at 2.6cm (what happened to the other two?). It could pop any time, or it could grow another cm, like last time! And since my opks and fertility monitor have yet to detect my LH surge, I’d say that little eggie is hanging in for little while longer. I guess my body just refuses to ovulate before cd16. So we wait. I just spoke with my MW and she’s betting I’ll get a peak on the monitor tomorrow morning. I want the tww, I hate the stress leading up to a perfectly timed IUI!

A. and I spent this morning with Wander Woman. Today her magic wand found more than a handful of follicles and three that are on there way to maturing- all of which are on the right side. On CD11 they are: 1.94, 1.89, & 2.04 cms. Wander Woman checked the right side first and then as she moved over to the left she said: “let’s see what’s on the left, hopefully for you, nothing.” We all laughed. There were a few wanna be follies, but they probably won’t make it. This is early for me to have follies so close to maturing and I may get three!? Given their size, I’d bet the IUI will be Monday. It seems as if the Clomid is doing its job. And doing it better than last time. Holy Fucking Shit!

I am leaving in a few hours to spend the weekend here celebrating my Dad’s birthday with my family. So you can imagine my heartache when she spotted the 2.04 cm follie! But she assured me, I should be fine to go away for the weekend with an average growth rate of .2cms per day, I’ve got a couple days before they burst.

Today is day four of Clomid, and I’ve had NO side effects. None.

Last cycle on Clomid I was a mess and felt so sick. The difference is so drastic that I am beginning to wonder if they gave me the correct pills. My sceptical side won’t feel reassured until my first ultra sound this Friday.

A. placed our babyjuice order yesterday so our new swimmers will arrived here Thursday in time for insem(s) next Tuesday/Wednesday.

As we gear up for try number 8 (charting cycle number 21) we find ourselves in the hopeful moments. Last night A. said to me, It’s going to work this time. And so started the conversation, yes it could work, but… This led us to talk about the  cycle days that we like (we know how to have fun on a Friday night!). We agreed insemination day(s) are our favorite days when excitement and hope surrounds us. Two dpo is also a fun day, but by 4 dpo we are usually losing hope and find our selves strung out trying to make the tww pass. A. also likes cd 4-6, where there’s no work (I think she forgot about Clomid). She said it’s nice at the start when I don’t temp and don’t poas ten times a day (okay, more like one to four times in a day, depending on how close I am to ovulation). I get what she meant, so I’d say I like all of cd 4 and most of cd 5, but as soon as the drugs go into me on cd 5 night, I long for cd 11 when they are flushed from my system and I return to a normal sane human being. It’s a miracle that we are as happy as we are given we generally enjoy about five days of my cycle every month…

CD 1 arrived sooner than I thought so I am back in the stirrup queen game. I am excited to get started again and my early CD1 will push ovulation up just enough so I won’t be on-call for my IUI (it’s always a pain to get a co-worker to cover me when I go in, almost always on weekends).

This cycle’s medical protocol has yet to be determined but I am not starting injectables as I had thought about. After speaking with my MW today I realized my choice to start injectables means leaving her and moving to an RE. No way am I ready for that. She said they just don’t have the facility to do the intense monitoring, but in some cases women working with REs will still go to the MWs for IUIs (if I get there that will be me!).

I asked her about Femara and she said she wanted to consult with the gyno that did my HSG. (p.s. She said the gyno told her I had a small uterus after the HSG, what’s this mean? I am going to ask her when she calls back.) She sounded optimistic about Femara and I think she’s willing to prescribe. After doing more of my own research, I am even more interested in Femara over Clomid. Aside from the reduced short term side effects, there are no known risks of cancer which is a huge concern with Clomid. It seems like a win win situation.

Let the fun begin- pill popping, visits with Wander Woman (CDs 11,13,15 ultrasounds), and your guess is as good as mine which MW will be on-call for the IUI. Please join me in hoping this is the cycle!

Tell me what you know…

I am calling my MW this week to find out what my diagnosis is. It seems as if I am unexplained since all the effing IF testing came back fine. We need to start thinking about meds for the next cycle. I do not want to do Clomid again, but will if she won’t prescribe anything else. I’ve heard Femara is good and the side effects are not as bad as Clomid. But I’d be lying if I didn’t tell you that I am really considering injectables. Lo and Co’s story is enough to make anyone want to move on to them! But before I go there, I want to know what to expect. So please do spill. Cost? Side Effects? How often do you inject? Where do you inject? Anything else?

There is no way on Earth that I am pregnant. Not this time, and not the previous six tries. Seven failed attempts, four iuis, one Clomid cycle, and I start to think this is a huge waste of our time and resources. We have no sperm left, I hate how Comid makes me feel, neither of us really think I’ll ever get pregnant…and we’ve devised yet another game plan.

I will have the stupid HSG, during my VACATION, in two weeks. I’m taking this next cycle off, due to travel around ovulation. We’ll spend our tax refund on baby juice (how many thousands of dollars have we spent buying sperm?). I will try at least three more Clomid/iui cycles before making any more changes (this will put me at seven iui cycles, four with Clomid). After that we’ll see if:

1. I want to pursue any further interventions (I said I’d never do iuis, or Clomid…and now I wonder how far I will go…and I really don’t know if I would do IVF or not).
2. I may stop ttc all together.
3. I may take a break for the summer (remember, I don’t work in the summer, and spend my days at the beach on Cape Cod, so iuis do present a challenge, or at least a really long drive).
4. We’ll move to adoption.

Technically we’re already doing #4. Part of the current plan is to start the adoption process, while I am still trying, and go with which ever one works out first. We are mostly looking at adoption through foster care. I’ve referenced MARE numerous times before. We don’t know a lot about adoption, and we don’t think we can afford adoption through an agency. If you’ve used an agency, PLEASE share!

The MARE option provides the opportunity to adopt children from with in our state (a great thing if the child does want to keep any contact with family — in some cases, the children express an interest to remain in touch with siblings or grandparents—and we’d also be open to adopting a sibling group, maybe up to three). Because the children are in foster care, and placing them in a permanent home is in the best financial interest of the state, the adoption process is free, which of course is very appealing after already having spent thousands of dollars ttc.

It’s a lot to wrap my head around. I spoke with a friend yesterday who lost her own infertility battle (four IVFs) and has since adopted through foster care. I feel so fortunate to have someone I can talk to who’s been through it all, and has come out on the other side. She does not judge and she gets it. I started telling her we are looking into adoption and she got sooooo excited, but then I was waffling back to the part where I am still pumping meds into my body and trying. And she said, “you’re at the point where you want to know you’ve exhausted all your resources. You don’t want to look back and wonder what if I tried…” For her it was what if the fourth IVF worked? When it didn’t, she knew she was done. I don’t know when I’ll be done. But I feel good about ttc while pursing adoption. Everything will happen as it is meant to and the child we’re meant to mother will find us. We can’t control it, we need to open up and let the Universe deal the cards.

A true quote I uttered in frustration while waiting for my iui today…read on…

The +opk was followed by a peak on the monitor this morning. It was a hassle to get in for an iui this morning. I continue to think some of the folks that work at my MW’s office have no idea about how precise the timing must be. After being told “no one could do it today.” I broke down while on hold. Luckily, she came back to tell me I could come in at 10:30–by then the MW on-call anticipated being out of delivery. We arrived to find she was not and space cadet MW was doing the iui. After sitting in the waiting room for an hour and 15 minutes we were ushered behind the scenes. At the last minute another MW stepped in to do the iui, and I was so thankful. She was quick, but not as quick or painless as my MW and some of the others, but I was happy not to have space cadet. My darling wife thought ahead to bring me lunch, a granola bar, that I ate while laying there with my feet up. How did it become Noon when I went in for a 10:30 iui?

I’ve realized that AI must be my MW’s specialty and the others MWs just are not as experienced / knowledgeable. If it weren’t for my MW, I would probably look into other practices- their reception is terrible and some of the MW’s seem to have very little AI training. That is the trade off I make for not wanting an RE, and I wouldn’t conceive of leaving my MW. I love her so much!

I think I’ve ovulated and if not it’s just around the corner. I still have some pain near my left ovary, but I think it has more to do with internal stretching from the 3.5cm follie. God I hope this one works. I have hope, but it’s kind of a hopeless hope, if that makes any sense. As I was lying on the table, I was not overjoyed and excited, as I have been in the past (well as excited as one can get in stirrups). I felt the doom of the impending HSG, more Clomid cycles, purchasing more sperm, and continuing on this ttc journey.

You may have noticed a lack of posts about an iui over the weekend. It didn’t happen. My opks and monitor did not detect a surge. But I could still feel intense ovulation pain on my left side and my bbt remains low.

I called my MW’s office at 8:30 this morning to check in and see what to do. As I hoped, they sent me for an ultrasound. Now, I have become quite chummy with my u/s tech, “Wander Woman.” WW is so nice and always squeezes me in even when she’s booked. Right off she was very happy with my thick endometrium. While it was okay on Friday, she said it was much thicker today, “nice and fluffy and ready to receive” were her exact words. Then she starts wanding me. No fluid. Phew. She quickly scanned Lefty on her way over to Righty and could tell it was bigger. I then told her how I lovingly refer to them as Righty and Lefty, and she started doing it too! Have I mentioned that I love this woman?

Righty measured in at 2.6cm and Lefty at 3.5cm. Holy Clomid the wonder drug! It feels like I’ve pulled a muscle near my left ovary. As I dressed and was getting ready to leave WW wished me good luck and asked me to let her know any good news. She is so kind and has really become a part of my ttc journey…yet another woman involved in getting me knocked up, seriously how many will it take? When I got to my car I called my MW’s office. I spoke with two MWs and made a plan for an iui tomorrow.

I just got home from work and my opk turned positive in less than a minute! I have so much hope for this cycle. Two plump eggs and hopefully a perfectly timed iui in the works.

Clomid kicked my ass, but I have to say it was worth it to get these great eggs. I am ready to chill out in the tww and am thankfully super busy at work so hopefully the time will fly by.

Edited to add: I’m going in for an iui at 10:30 this morning!

My u/s this morning showed my left follie at 2.34cm, righty lost this month measuring in at 1.8cm. My endometrium thickened up (was very thin two days ago) so no progesterone for me! My midwife predicts a peak / +opk Saturday setting us up for a Sunday insemination (sadly she is flying out to San Fran tomorrow so my care will be turned over to another MW, but Space Cadet MW is not on call so I should be just fine). With one vial, we have to nail this one.

Please send you postivie, sticky baby makin’ vibes our way!

I had my cd10 ultra sound today. On the right I have a 1.7cm and a 1.6cm on the left! The sizes are way ahead of schedule for me, so the Clomid must be doing something (and I’ve never had two sizable follies at once)! I’m going back on Friday to see where the’re at and then probably will have an insem some time this weekend.
In the mean time, I am sooo happy that the Clomid is done for now. Hopefully the hot flashes will stop soon. I had one during a meeting this morning and a coworker said I looked like I was having my own personal summer. In fact I was.

All my blood work came back excellent. I was relieved to learn that I’ll have a female doctor for my HSG. A few days after I was notified that it had been scheduled, it occurred to me that there was a chance a male doctor would do it. I had a mini freak out - I have never had a male doctor get near me with a speculum, and well, an HSG is not the time to start!

Things are looking up. Let’s hope we catch that egg (or eggs….).

A. and I have been going through / preparing for lots of transitions. I started looking for a new job in December, A. started grad school this month, we’ve continued the ttc journey and hoped on the infertility train…and somewhere along the way I put my mind down and forgot to pick it back up. I was trying to do too many things, which has left me feeling totally out of control in all areas.

My brain has been overcrowded with how to manage all the details. If I get a new job we’d have to move, and hopefully buy a house (funny since this baby project has all but depleted our down payment fund). Would I still be able to ttc if I started a new job? As in, have the same flexibility to shoot off for ultrasounds, IUIs, and what ever else? And would a new insurance at a new job provide the stellar IF coverage I have now? And would starting a new job and moving dry my emotional well? I’ve noticed my will to job search wained in the last month. After considering all of this, and really wanting to put ttc first, I’ve decided to stay in my job for another year. I am so relieved after making this decision: we know where we’ll live for at least another year, I don’t have to spend my energy looking for jobs, and above all, I can fully focus on getting pregnant- emotionally and financially.

Life on Clomid has gotten better. The first three days were hard, but I think my body has begun to process what’s going on and I am mostly feeling a lot better. Still have the headaches, and some hot flashes, but over all it’s getting better. Even so, I am glad my last pill will be to night. I have an ultrasound tomorrow and am excited to see how my follies are doing.

I am home. I think I feel more normal here. The Clomid is making me crazy.

I guess I need my space, my surroundings, the security of my constant home, and not a place that used to be my home.

The headaches and nausea have continued and I am very very very emotional. Just about anything will make me cry. I am trying to figure out if it’s the drugs or if these are my authentic feelings. Mostly, I feel altered, I feel medicated.

Now I know what so many students have meant when they tell me they stopped their meds (antidepressants and such) because the didn’t feel like themselves. I get it. I never did before.

How long will I feel the side effects? After five days when I stop taking the pills? How long does this $hit stay in your system?

I needed to get away from my life, so I took a short trip to my parent’s house for this weekend. During the three hour car ride I thought a lot about starting Clomid later that day. I didn’t realize that some hesitation remained. Perhaps left over from my I will not take fertility drugs days? I started to think I was about to ingest a poison. I know this is a little dramatic. The reality set in. I am taking medication to help me get pregnant. I never thought I would have a hard time getting pregnant; not me, other people, sure, but never me. Of course it was easy for me to say I’d never take the drugs, it never occurred to me that I may need them.

I took my first Clomid before bed last night. Other than feeling a little nausea and a bit of a headache (although I usually have a headache) it seems to be fine. I guess we’ll see how it goes. My HSG is scheduled for March 27th. The timing was, obviously based on my cycle, and could not be scheduled in time for this cycle. So it falls on a day during a week I’ve taken off for vacation! I had such a hard time isolating one week in the next several months to take off, and I have to have my effing HSG during it! WTF?

Being at my parents is good. I only wish their WiFi worked. Instead I am docked at my mother’s desk, which is not all that bad, as I have a roaring fire next to me. We went out for dinner last night and then we all went to bed pretty early. As usual they are both off doing there things today. They are hosting a birthday party tonight and it’s my job to go grocery shopping and make a birthday cake (I am a terrible grocery shopper, always forgetting the main ingredient…).

I’ve spent some time with my nephew. He has grown so much since Christmas. His vocabulary has grown, and he how makes sentences, instead of communicating through single words. I went to pick him up at day care yesterday and he jumped into my arms yelling “Auntie!” Melted my heart. He loves Shrek, but when he’s asking to watch it, or just talking about it, it sounds like he’s saying fu@k. Teletubbies and Elmo continue to be his favorite computer games. I can’t believe he’s not yet two and he plays computer games (with help)! This morning we were playing on the Sesame Street website. Him on my lap. And he plugged all the power cords into the side of my laptop! How does he know this stuff? I didn’t even use email or Internet in college! Man, this shit makes me feel old.

I’m off to do groceries. Adios!

I arrived at the hospital for my CD4 blood-work today, only to find out I was at the wrong hospital. Luckily my MW’s office was able to fax the paper work there right away. Next I move to the registration process. Name, address, marital status, date and location of birth, and then it came…does your husband have the same last name as you?

I have a wife, thank you very much, and she has a different last name.

But it does not stop there, she goes on to tell me she is not sure why they (that would be me) don’t change their names. I mean couldn’t they just write it on the paper (we call those marriage licenses) or hyphenate their names. It was like she thought we were not allowed to change our names - it never occurred to her that we (A and I) didn’t want to change our names, what a novel idea. Then she apologized for assuming I had a husband. Which was nice, I’ll give her that.

The blood-work part was fine. I had four vials drawn. Clomid starts tomorrow. I’ve been reading on FF about women who rapidly gained weight after starting Clomid. Has this been your experience?

I have a plan to start the IF testing despite my bad interaction with the receptionist this morning.

After speaking with my MW, I have Clomid, I set up an appointment for my CD10 ultrasound, blood-work will be drawn on Thursday of this week, and…the HSG…can’t do it this cycle, so it will be next (if I need it, hopefully I’ll be preggers). Get this, it’ll be during the week I am scheduled to take vacation! I sure know how to have fun! I’ve been trying to plan something fun for that week, this is not what I was thinking of. C’est La Vie.

I feel a hundred times better than I did this morning. My MW really rocks. I asked her about the trigger. She usually employs a ‘least intervention as possible method,’ so I was not surprised that she didn’t recommend it. She feels it’s only necessary for planning an IUI, and does not see that benefit out weighing the cost of the extra hormones in my system. I usually like to follow her advice and do appreciate low intervention, so I many try with out it for now. I can always change my mind later if I want it. Somehow she also made me feel better about the HSG. I hadn’t even told her I was on the fence about it, but she clearly wants me to do it and informed me of what to expect. As always, her clarity and calmness, eased my concern. Hell, if I’m planning on a vaginal birth (which I am) then I can’t back away from an HSG, right?

Those that take/have taken Clomid, please talk to me about what time of day/night you found was good to take it, with respect to side effects.

the new receptionist is awful!

Several cycles ago I called in after getting my peak. The new receptionist pretty much blew me off when I asked to speak to my midwife. “Someone will call you back.” This pissed me off and I realized she did not get that I need to talk to someone, any medical professional NOW. I restated my need to speak to someone right then. She got the midwife on call on the phone.

I called my MW yesterday, but they were closed for the holiday. I called again this morning. The plan was wait out the two weeks, then call and get the meds and set up an appointment to talk more and start IF testing. The mean receptionist gruffly informed me my MW is on call and at the hospital. Urgh. Then she’s going on vacation till the 27th. She was ready to leave it at that. I again had to plead my case. As soon as I started in with all the details she stopped me and said she take a message and let my MW know when she calls in.

I mean this is a medical office. Usually there is a certain level of urgency. It’s like this woman does not know there is a science to getting pregnant! If I don’t get the Clomid soon I am going to scream! Why didn’t I get the Rx ahead of time…If i don’t get it in time, we’ll have to wait till April as I will be traveling for work during my March ovulation period.

Will it every get any easier? Adoption looks better and better every day…

A. is away for the weekend. She’s presenting at a confrence in Chicago and meeting up with a former co-worker/friend while there. I am home with the kitties and back on-call. It’s been so long I forget what it feels like. And the worst thing about it- I had to turn the ringer ON! We usually keep it off. Calls that come through our land line are usually about work, so I choose to tune out. My cell phone has caller id, and I much prefer that. Alas, when I am on-call I must know if my phone is ringing, and answer it, so the ringer is back on.

I don’t have much to write about. We are in a holding pattern. Waiting for this cycle to be over and for the next to start. I am mentally preparing to start back up with the IUIs. I thought I was done with them. It’s not that they are bad, or painful, because they really are not. But they are a disruption in my life, sometimes it’s hard to leave work for them, and let’s face it, most women do not enjoy laying flat with a speculum in them while a medical professional pokes through the cervix with a catheter. Am I wrong?

The next IUI will likely be in three weeks. I hope I only have to do one in an effort to conserve on sperm. We’ve only got three vials left, and nary the cash to procure more. If the next cycle does not work I am thinking about pursuing Clomid. I’ve been thinking about it for a while. And I think it may be time to start talking about it with my midwife. I am sick of trying, and charting, and waiting, and testing, and not being pregnant. This way I’d have the potential of two Clomid cycles with the sperm we’ve got.

That’s all for now.