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I supposed it didn’t just happen. There were signs leading up to the end. A gradual break.
A few weeks ago A and I were talking to Mr. E about how when the baby comes it will have milk from Mommy. In a very sad voice he said “I do too.” Fast forward to this week and my boy seems to have self weaned. He’s a little more than 21 and half months and he has gone more than 48 hours without asking for milk.
Long ago I stopped offering, but continued to give as asked. Looking back, it was when I night weaned him that my supply tanked and since he was nursing more over night than during the day, it makes sense that he’d start to lose interest all together.
I am completely at peace with what seems to be Mr. E’s end of nursing. My plan was always to let him self wean, even though there were times I doubted he’d ever do it. Even still I am in a bit of shock that he seems to be doing it, and think any day now he’ll ask for milk.
As he weaned he started asking to snuggle a lot. Through out the day he comes to me, lovey in hand, and says “snuggle.” He’s been very directive with me as to just how we will snuggle. He places lovey on my left shoulder and he lays his head on it. He often asks to snuggle “in the green chair” which is where he used to ask to nurse. Witnessing this transition, and seeing him decide he is done, and yet carrying over some comfort has been remarkable for me.
I have been ready to end our nursing relationship for some time, but believed in letting him lead the way. I was committed to nursing through pregnancy if that’s what he wanted. My only regret is that I will not be nursing him through the flu season but if I am being honest, I am SO thankful to have my breasts back for a while before this next baby lays claim. However, experiencing his transformation was more than worth my previous desire to be done.
My son is 16.5 months; he breastfeeds on demand 24 hours a day. I’ve read over and over on the on-line boards where the child is “still breastfeeding” but it’s only first thing in the morning and last thing before bed. And I wonder, how does this happen? E tells me when he wants milk by signing, and there is no pattern. If I do not oblige him he begins to point to my breasts and says “that,” and if I still don’t comply he attempts to lift my shirt.
Let me make one thing clear, I have no desire to wean him and no plans for when I will wean him. If I’m being honest, I’d say I hope he self-weans. I do not feel it is up to me to take it away, but I also don’t really want to be nursing a four year old (and knowing him, he’d nurse forever if I let him). And I guess I am just not used to breast feeding on demand being so, well, demanding. I don’t understand how you have a breastfeeding schedule, and I guess, I am finding it hard to nurse a toddler in public. He’s on and off a zillion times and as much as I hate to admit it, I feel weird. Not because I am nursing my son but because I know (many) people think it’s freakish to nurse this long.
Extended breastfeeding has been a really wonderful thing for us. It has provided comfort when E has been very sick, it has provided pain relief as he cut his molars, and it continues to provide the best nourishment possible. I know he’s crossed over to nursing almost exclusively for comfort, as he will no longer accept milk in a cup (which kills me as I have a freezer full of milk for the first time, and it is starting to “expire”). But he’s also still growing and developing which means nursing continues to play a crucial role in his life. And so we will continue, and I will hold out the hope that he knows when the time is right to stop and I will be able to accept it. Because after all, I am just as attached to our nursing relationship.
We are in molar hell. Due to the onset of the 12 month molars, my poor sweet baby boy has had is just-starting-to-regulate-his-sleep-pattern turned up side down.
Night weaning was huge success. That was about six weeks ago. I’ve spent the last three nights up from 1:30-3:30 trying to comfort him (And multiple night waking began about 2 weeks ago). I’ve done everything I could thing of to help him get back to sleep. After hours without results, I caved on two of the three nights and nursed him. He immediately entered the land of nod.
Last night after losing the two hour struggle, I offered him my breast, while I began to cry. I felt defeated. I worried how nursing would impact the next night and the next night and… I am so desperate for sleep.
A very graciously got up with him at 6AM. Apparently I was unresponsive the first time she tried to wake me so she could get ready for work. In all she gave me an hour of sleep. It was blissful. I had planned to attend a social group today but it was canceled due to illness so I decided to go to a breast feeding support group. [And I was surprised to arrive and learn today is actually Wednesday and the BF support group is on Tuesdays...see I am so tired I can't tell what day it is.]
I had a chance to talk to a Lactation Consultant. I explain our entire situation- and she very calmly listened and echoed what I already knew: E is teething. Molars are really effing painful. But what I didn’t know is that breast milk actually has a pain relieving effect, so this is likely why all he wants when his teeth hurt is to nurse. It also explains why he recently started nursing up to 10 times a day. He is constantly signing for milk, he is not always nursing long enough to bring a let down, but he is comforted just by sucking.
So I am some what reluctantly returning to night nursing. If this is the one thing that will help relieve his pain, then how can I deny it? I just really hope we don’t end up back on the nursing every-hour-over-night-schedule. That was awful for all of us.
This morning my mother asked: “So you don’t nurse him at all over night anymore?”
I replied: “Nope.”
She replied: “Oh then it will be easy to cut out the day too.”
Me: Grumble, grumble. Why don’t I have a mom who can see what I am doing is really freaking awesome for my son? I remember around 7 or 8 months when I was adamant that I’d nurse him for a year and asked her to get rid of the formula in the house (she insisted I needed it on hand ‘just in case’) she said, “oh come on give it up.”
Should be interesting, since I have no plans to wean…
We are entering night seven of night weaning.
Two out of the seven have been really really really hard, but I suppose that means five of the seven were good, so we’re pretty lucky.
The first three nights went so smoothly. I employed a “gradual release” where I was sill nursing but would break his latch before he fell asleep and soothe him to sleep in other ways- cuddling, patting his back, talking to him, etc. [We still full on co-sleep.] The first non-nursing night was kind of rough. He did great until about 3 am and then was up every 20 minutes or so and needing lots of cuddles. By 5am he was down right ANGRY and pulling at my shirt. I couldn’t nurse him till 6am. A was pretty much begging me to nurse.
The next night was totally different, he slept so well and never really even looked for milk. He woke at 6am, I asked if he wanted milk, he smiled and dove in for it. We snuggled in bed and then got up. It was a lovely way to start a Saturday morning.
Last night was a whole.different.story. To be fair he had an off day – sleep and eating wise. He would not go to bed on his own so I rocked him to sleep and then let him sleep on my lap until we went to bed. Once in bed he was restless but mostly slept. Until he didn’t. 2:30 hit and he was pissed. He cried and cried. I reached for him and pulled him into me and tried to snuggle. He wanted one thing, and it was not snuggles.
After all my best efforts I asked A to get up and rock him, which she did for a bit. Then we switched. I rocked him and the walked him until he fell asleep. Every now and then he’d wake, cry, and nod back off to sleep. After about an hour he was in a deep sleep and he and I crawled back into bed and snuggled up. Two and a half hours later he woke up “for the day.” [In quotes because we all know babies get naps, but moms don't.]
Night weaning is so easy and it’s so hard- depending on the night. I am 110% committed to the process, and having made it this far, I am not going back. My son is stubborn, but he got it from me and I have 30 years of stubbornness on him, so in the middle of the night, I win.
I am surprisingly feeling really great about my rather abrupt decision to night wean. You see I have loved nursing. There was a time when I really felt so sad about the fact that some day I would not provide my son’s nutrition. And shortly after hitting one year, and when he started eating a little, and then a lot, the majority of his nursing sessions were in the middle of the night. He’d nurse anywhere from 1-3 times during the day, depending on the day. He seemed to enjoy the night nursing a lot. Perhaps too much, and it pushed me over the edge. [No 13 month old needs to nurse SIX times from 10pm-6am, want to, yes - need to, no.]
I am trying to remain open and zen about how night weaning will impact our nursing relationship. E is solidly nursing first thing in the morning. And usually once more sometime during the day. He also gets on and quickly gets off all through out the day. I absolutely love that he can sign for milk so I know when he really wants it, and I can provide for him. One part of me wants to keep nursing until at least 18 months because deep down I think that is the minimum I want to offer my son, but I can see going to two years, maybe longer. I also wonder how things will further change once we start TTC in a few months, and how clomid will impact how E experiences breast feeding (I’ll be dry for five days). And finally part of me thinks I’ll let him decide when we stop. I’ll only do this if it remains mutually agreeable. Had I not night weaned, I would not have been able to even entertain this idea.
I am lucky to have several friends close by who are also so-called “extended nursing” – without their support I am not sure I’d make it. My day-to-day life is touched with weaning hints and other suggestions that “you can not nurse and be pregnant.” Which of course, simply is not true. [Though it may not be fun.]
I suppose there is one more thought about weaning, and that is, I never wanted to wean so that I could start trying again. Though I’ve tried to shed my TTC baggage, I’ve still got some, and I know that if I am not able to get pregnant again, and look back to see that I weaned in order to try, I would never forgive myself for cutting this relationship short, for my own needs.
And since I have been a slacker about pictures here are some of my adorbale son:
E heading out for his first ever bike ride.
E crawling into his cabinet.
E shutting himself in.
E walking!
E riding his cousin’s trike and loving it!
Recently it seems as though we are finally reaching some semblance of balance in our not-so-new-anymore role as mothers. E is almost 14 months and somewhere around 13 months A and I started coming out of the cocoon we’d built. The first year is becoming a blur, and when I recall the memories, I don’t know how we got through it. But I we did.
E is becoming such a little kid. He is so opinionated and at times can have a hard time sharing his toys- especially with his cousins. He’s started walking and he using many signs to communicate his wants and needs. He JUST started eating real food last week. He’d been hot and cold with food since we introduced it at 6 months. But he is serious about it now. It’s as if a switch flipped and there is no turning back. He eats everything we eat, and he does it with great enthusiasm. He is also still very serious about breastfeeding…
Our nights are very hard. E is still co-sleeping and nursing all night long. The other night he woke and nursed six times (between 10pm-6am). The very next day I decided it’s time to night wean. Tonight was supposed to be the first night, but by some miracle he only woke to nurse once last night and did not nurse to sleep (but woke a few other times to cuddle). It’s as if he knew, and was following the method I am going to employ. We’ll see how the next week or so goes. It’s time – I am beyond exhausted and now that he’s eating food, he does not need to nurse overnight. I will gladly continue to nurse during the day.
A and I have begun to remember what it’s like to be adults – independent of our child. We’ve gone out with friends, we even stayed out dancing till midnight recently (and I am pretty sure I forgot I had a son at home…it was amazing to feel like “just us” the way it used to be – even if only for a few hours). We’re making summer plans that include a four day camping folk festival adventure. In short: we’re out of the ball and chain baby stage. We’re so excited to spend the summer in the outdoors with E, at the beach, riding bikes on the bike trail (he in the baby bike seat), walks in the state park…the warm weather can not arrive soon enough!
Some days I think we’re nuts for starting the TTC process all over again- right now- but it makes sense in our grand scheme. Midwife appointment is less than two weeks away! I’ve already started acupuncture and am quasi charting this cycle. Next cycle—full on charting. We’ll know more after meeting with the new midwife when we’ll actually start. I’m guessing late spring/early summer. And so it beings…
There seems to be so much going on and so little time to document…
Cling: we are back in clingy baby hell. E is just attached to us and it’s very taxing. There are times when I have to put him down and he refuses to sit so I have to lay him down – and he protests. I think I am an incredibly accommodating parent, and I just about do back flips to give him what he wants, but sometimes, I have to do something that does not jive with his plans (i.e. use the bathroom). I knew I’d be using the Ergo for a long time but I never thought I still be using all three of our carriers at this point— and yet I can’t make it through a day with out them.
Sleep: Same old broken record. We’re up a lot. I nurse him to back to sleep. We repeat an hour or two later. We’ve talked about night weaning but it really just seems like too much work at this point. Our co-sleeping arrangement makes the night wakings manageable most nights.
Going to sleep: E has always been pretty good at going to sleep on his own. This is something I worked on from the start -never nursing or rocking him to sleep (except in the middle of the night). We always put him down awake and he’d nod off to sleep. Recently- with the cling and the co-sleeping – he seemed to be fighting going to sleep at night (he starts the night in his crib around 7:30). One night he wanted to take a book to bed, so I let him, and I left the light on. Ten minutes later I checked on him and he was sound asleep. There was no drama. From then on – for naps and bed – we put him in sitting up with books. We return ten minutes later to cover up our sleeping boy. I am amazed.
Walking: He’s →this← close. I predict it will happen in two weeks. He is cruising like crazy and standing on his own. He’s taken a few steps when he can grab onto something. He needs just a little more confidence. This is exactly how crawling went down. He really has to work it out for himself, really understand it and one day soon I know he’ll put one foot in front of the other and take off.
Signing: After nearly six months he’s finally developing his “sign clusters.” He’s learning at least one new sign a week and his communication is amazing. When he woke at 6:30 this morning and had gas, I asked if he needed to use the potty, he signed potty back to me, and sure enough he needed to go!
Childcare: I joined a gym a couple of weeks ago. I’ve wanted to do this for months. I’ve been ready to get back to running but I could not leave him. Well I finally sucked it up, joined the gym, feel great, and begun using the childcare. E is less than thrilled. The first time he did OK. The second time he cried when SIL picked up his cousins before he was getting picked up, the third time I got called in after 35 minutes because he was so upset. We’re working on it. I think it goes back to #1 above: cling. As hard as it is, I feel really great and have pretty much gotten back to where I left off 22 months ago!
Life before E: A and I went out last night. We left E with my mom and really went out. Met friends for drinks, then went to a ball (LGBT church fundraiser with 200+ attendees). We partied and danced ’till midnight, closing the dance floor. For the first time in about two years we went out and just had fun. We didn’t spend dinner talking about how amazing our son is, we left him and all thoughts of him at home, we stayed out for a long time and just had fun! Of course getting home at 12am, getting up with E all night and then getting up at 6:30am was not fun, but it was well worth it in order to gain a sense of normalcy– of life as we used to know it.
Life after E: There have been times lately that have been hard. It’s no secret that this economy sucks. We left our well paying stable jobs before the economic nosedive. We knew it would take a while to get on our feet but we didn’t know the economic situation ahead and how it would present greater challenges. While A is employed, she is still seeking the full time benefited job. Lots of teachers who were set to retire have changed their plans due to the economic situation. Other teachers are being laid off. And thus we feel the tightening of the job market, while remaining thankful for the jobs she does have.
We have an amazing community here – we did before we moved here, but it’s even more so now. We have real meaningful friends. People who are not transitional – are not going to move away. People we have lots of things in common with, people we really like hanging out with. This was hard in Western MA. After five years we left feeling like we never really established the community we needed. It feels really good.
We’re really torn because on the one hand, we want to stay here. We want to raise E with family and among this strong community we’re weaving. And on the other hand, it is really expensive here and we desperately need A to get the full time job. So the current plan is to stick it out at least until the time E would start school. And if we’re still not on our feet at that time, we’d need to move onto plan B – relocate to a place holding a job for A. Ugh…
Joy: We’re so happy for the addition of little J to our family. We’re so happy for his mamas, and all of his family. I’m comforted knowing that within our family we have two donor babies – only one year apart – who will surely lean on each other as they navigate the nuances of our unique family compositions.
Sadness: For friends in pain.
Hope: For jumping back on the baby train really soon.
Mr. E has been clapping for a while. But it seems that every day he becomes more and more excited about the act of clapping. It’s his most well polished – and most frequently used sign, for sure! He tends to clap to show his approval, his appreciation, as well as when he knows we’re proud of him. For example, he recently started eating for realz, and this was a huge deal in our world. So we’d clap and say yay Mr. E, you ate your dinner! Soon he started clapping along with us.
He claps when he gets excited by people or activities. Just a little while ago I asked him if he wanted milk and he signed milk back to me – his way of saying yes. I scooped him up and went to our nursing chair. As I unbuttoned my shirt then unsnapped my bra he began clapping with great joy! And all I could think was, yay mom, you’ve got the boobs out!
Every day just gets better and better with this little nut!
Just two weeks ago A and I lamented to Mr. E’s pediatrician that we could not get him to eat food. He was nursing between 8 and 10 times per day and just refused food. She asked us if we’d tried this and that, and in the end was just stumped, but not worried since was getting plenty of breast milk.
And it seems just the next day he started eating. There was a slight set back when two teeth started working their way in and then unrelated he became sick. Now he’s feeling better and eating three meals a day and nursing closer to 4 – 5 times in a 24 hour period – with at least 2 of those overnight. Grrrrrrr.
Today he did something unheard of. He crawled over to his highchair, stood up, and shook it. When I asked if he wanted something to eat he motioned yes. I picked him up and he agreeably sat in the highchair (also usually a stuggle – today he ate lunch sitting on my lap). He drank his water and ate three graham sticks!
I think we’ve turned a corner. I hope so! His sleep, while still challenging has improved remarkably since he started eating more.
In other news, my appointment with the new midwife is March 16th…8 weeks from today! I wish it were sooner, but it still may be soon enough to try in April, May might be a more realistic.
Who am I kidding? I can’t give up this blog.
I’ve been thinking a lot since I posted last night (two nights ago now, as I just picked this back up to finish) and I’ve come to accept that I write here for me. The community was an unexpected outcome and I love it. For so long I felt free to just pour my soul out here and I think lately – I’ve been censoring, thus the lack of posts. I know I am not the best writer and I know that reading about my adorable son day after day may not be all that fascinating. But I do it for me. It’s my outlet, so I need to let go of the other stuff (although, I am really psyched that people do still read, but it can’t be the reason I write).
Things have been exceptionally hard lately. I don’t want to whine all the time. I don’t want to generate negativity. And mostly, I fear that I will sound ungrateful for the blessing that is my son. Not a day goes by that I don’t marvel at the fact that we have him. And yet sometimes I feel like an impostor. I mean, why were we the lucky ones that found our way out of the fertility circus? When you try for so long, it can be hard to just let go of all that baggage.
Being home with him lately has been so hard. I don’t even know where to begin and I don’t have the words to fully convey how hard it’s been. So please, just trust me, it’s been hard.
What’s been hard, you ask?
There’s the nursing every two hours around the clock. Can someone please pass the lanolin?
The solid food strike.
His and my illnesses.
Sleep deprivation.
Redefining clingy.
Teething.
Being his sole care provider from the time we get up until A gets home at 6pm every night (M-F).
When all of the above happen in unison, it is extremely hard to stay sane. This has got to be the hardest period I’ve had with him. Sure the sleep deprivation in the beginning was hard, but at least we could soothe him easily. With all he’s working on right now, he can be challenging to comfort. He demands to be held all-the-time. And while he’s there he’d like to nurse all-the-time. He seems to have picked up some tips about comfort nursing from his play group friends.
I was very methodical about when we nursed from the start. Some may disagree with this, but I did not want a comfort nurser. Mr. E complied and all was well. But sometime around 8 months he came into a new level of awareness. Things made him upset. He’s developed a mind of his own, and he will let us know if he’s upset. I must have been at the end of my rope one day and I started offering the boob. He took it (much to my surprise), and he continues to seek it (and unlike several months ago, he has no problem nursing with noises and people around). Now, who knows how much is comfort and how much is nourishment since he’s given up solid foods. (Can’t wait to explain this one to the pedi next week. I already go against most of her recommendations concerning feeding and fluoride treatments, and now we’ve just about given up on solids).
I want to be home with him and I love all the little things we do together. And I love that we are not rushing out the door every morning. I think it’s really good for him to have such an easy pace. But a lot of what I just wrote about has worn me down lately. Sometimes I think about going back to work. But it’s so far from what I want to do. I know I am where I want and need to be right now. I have to remind myself that even with a job, there will be frustrating times.
I am finishing this up two days after starting the post and yesterday Mr. E turned nine months. I had it in my head all along that he’d be sleeping through the night at nine months. And as the milestone approached he was getting up 4 or 5 times a night, and nursing. Last night, he went to bed at 8pm and woke at 7am. I can’t say as though I am hopeful for it to continue, but it sure was the little ray of hope that I needed during this very hard time.
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