Category Archive

Today was Mr. E’s second parent adoption. A is now officially, legally, federally his mother…what a ridiculous process, but we’re so thankful we have it.  The whole thing was pretty uneventful and over pretty quickly. We went out to breakfast afterwards and then had our final meeting with our doula - how appropriate that she was there at his birth and then we saw her on his adoption day. It was nice to see her again. She referred us to a midwife where we are moving, the same midwife that one of our friends there used/is using. (!) And she even offered to attend our next baby’s birth…even though we’ll be three hours away! I am starting to feel a little better about ttcing #2. But we’re still waiting at least one more year…

Mr. E had his one month check up this week. Our little man weighed in at 9lbs 11oz! How the hell did that happen?! He’s grown three inches and is thriving. Our pedi said he still looks a little yellow so we’re going back for another damn blood draw today. It’s very normal for breastfeed babies to remain Jaundice for up to six weeks, so I’m not too worried.

He’s really coming into babiness (I made that word up). He has somewhat of a schedule now. We can count on him fighting sleep in the evening. He gets so very over tired and then spends from 7-8pm fussing and falling in and out of sleep. By some miracle, he’s tired enough and ready to go to sleep by 8, which is when we all go to bed. The first leg of the night is usually our longest stretch of sleep - about three hours. Sometimes we get to sleep from 12-3am. Then 3-6am are rough for him. He’s in and out and making noises and his mamas don’t sleep so well. We’re up at 6am and then he usually falls back to sleep around 7 (we’re up just long enough so I can’t go back to sleep). I am currently reading this book…here’s hoping I can draw on it to get more sleep.

We talked to the pedi about giving him a formula bottle at midnight to try to get him to sleep longer; she was on board. We did it for two nights. And now we’re done. I need to feed him. I had to get up and pump at 4am today because I hadn’t feed him since 8pm, and I was in pain. I wasn’t entirely comfortable giving him formula, since we don’t need to, so now we’re going back to breastfeeding through the night and not really sleeping from 3am on. Fun times. But I’ve come to cherish the middle of the night snuggles we share as I comfort him back to sleep.

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My older nephew (almost three years) has come out with some funny things lately. The birth announcement we sent was of Mr. E, naked from the chest up. Sort of an artsy shot. When he saw it he expressed some concern to my mother that, “Mr. E doesn’t have a bum.” We talked on the phone and I assured him, his bum is still there. Today I got an email from my SIL, saying nephew told her, “I like that Mr. E, he is so funny!”

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A had a snow day and was home with us yesterday. It was so nice to have her home - nice to have a spontaneous day together and nice to share caring for Mr. E. It was a little preview into next week when she’s home all week! Glorious school vacation week!

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Today’s a full day of running errands and going to my mommy group. We are so close to having all our documents in order for the second parent adoption. Today I need to pick up our marriage certificate and Monday we’re getting his birth certificate and then our work is done. I hated filling out the paper work, the questions we had to answer, about our relationship and motivations for A to adopt Mr. E were, well insulting. But it’s done (and we’re just thankful she can adopt him). I am also going to pick up Zac’s remains today. What can be saved will be loaded onto A’s computer and we’ll go back to sharing. Our tax return is better spent servicing our car and collecting interest in our savings account.

We’re having the first snow of the season! It’s very light, but it was enough that when I pulled the blinds this morning, and unexpectedly saw white stuff falling from the sky, a smile crossed my face and I felt a little giddy. Winter is coming. And with winter comes our baby. We’re getting there.

A and I met with our new lawyer today. We used a different lawyer for our KD contract back when we were using a KD. A local blogger recently referred us to this new lawyer. (Let me tell you, it’s been funny to answer the questions, and how were you referred? when asked by the receptionist and also by the lawyer.) This blogger went so far as to say this lawyer is the best where we live. This of course made me want to know more. So I poked around on the internet and then called to ask prices. I was pleased to learn the new lawyer was cheaper and seemed to be more reputable. She offered us a free consultation, we figured why not? We were not disappointed. I left the meeting feeling fully confident in her ability to make this as easy and affordable as possible. But more importantly, she felt human, and I felt I could ask questions and she took the time to make sure I understood everything. The other lawyer made me feel rushed, this lawyer did not rush us.

We set up the appointment wanting to talk about drafting wills and to get started on the second parent adoption paperwork. First and foremost we were happy to learn there are some ridiculously out dated laws (that were certainly not written to benefit same sex couples, but do nonetheless) still on the books that because of our legal marriage status, automatically entitles A as a legal parent of the child I birth, this is also the reason why her name can be on the birth certificate from birth. However, for lots of reasons, we both feel strongly we need to go forward with the second parent adoption. The lawyer spent lots of time explaining all the steps in the adoption. We learned that traditional adoptions usually have three steps (at this stage any way, I am sure there are 3,000 steps in all):

• The biological “father” has to terminate rights. In the event that the father can’t be found, then a legal notice must be published announcing the intentions for adoption, and someone (I guess the bio father) could then object.
• A home study is conducted by an agency to assess the prospective parents with regard to: home, relationship, finances, etc. I understand this is a very expensive process, not to mention intrusive.
• A six month residency requirement where for the first six months of the placement an outside agency assesses to make sure it’s a good match and all is going well.

This all seems pretty ridiculous given:

1. We used an anonymous sperm donor (and we are so happy none of the KDs worked out).
2. The baby has been incubated in our home and this will be it’s first home.
3. NO ONE is taking this baby away from us after six months because it’s not a good fit.

Of course, I knew some if not all of this may be waived given our situation but I was not sure just how. We were relieved to learn that within our court district the judges just about always accept a series of paperwork to prove conception through anonymous sperm, there by eliminating a need to “find the father;” will accept a home study waiver if we complete sixteen thousand pieces of paper detailing all the information normally gathered in a home study; and after doing all this and for obvious reasons, the residency requirement is waived. This is all very good news. Several towns over, the judges are not so accommodating and will not waive these requirements there by forcing same sex parents to not only waste a ton of time as they move through their adoption, but also to shell out significant money on top of the already expensive adoption fee…several.towns.over.people. We’re not talking different states, we’re talking towns. How effed up is that?!

The lawyer indicated if we get all our paperwork done before birth and then we fill in the details (baby’s name, obtain birth certificate, etc.) after the birth, then the latest it would be final would be May! We want it done before we move in July, so this was welcomed news. We questioned her about ensuring A’s legal rights to the child before the adoption is final and she offered us and option that will provide her with emergency legal rights to make decisions on behalf of the baby in the event that anything happens to me. This is a temporary document, good for 60 days. I will sign one soon and continue to resign them as they expire until the adoption is final.

After spending all this time talking about the adoption, we moved into talking about our wills, powers of attorney, and health care proxies. (Can I just say, I feel like a real grown up). This stuff was boring but now we know what we need to do. And we’ll do it. We’ll work with the lawyer to complete the wills and powers of attorney, and we can easily fill out health care proxies on our own. Turns out we won’t finalize the will until the baby is born because once it is born we’d have to update it to include the baby’s name. Waiting saves us an updating fee.

Fees. One thing I really liked about this new lawyer, other than her patience, was that she really seemed to be doing all she could to keep this affordable. She is so well versed in second parent adoption that it does not take much of her time to file the paperwork (her time = our money). She was honest with us about things we can do with out her, and also gave us tips of how to reduce the amount of time she needs to spend on our case - for example if we produce our marriage license and the birth certificate then she won’t bill us for time spent doing these tasks. But if we wanted her to do it she would. Same goes for the health care proxy. We can download the forms for free. Or we can ask her to take care of it all. She was upfront that waiting till after birth for the wills would save money and that waiting to sign the powers of attorney at the same time as the wills will also save money. All very good news, since this is all kind of expensive. In the end we signed a contract with her, and as soon as I send her a check she’ll be on retainer for us and the adoption stuff will officially be underway. Again, to say I have a lawyer on retainer makes me feel really grown up.

So that’s all the good news. We live in a state that has second parent adoption. We have a great lawyer, she’s working with us, it will all be done before the big move, and so on. But I couldn’t help but feel sad as we sat there plotting to ensure A’s legal parental rights to our child. I’ve known we’d go through an adoption, but I’ve always thought of this baby as ours. From the very start, she and I were in this together. We wanted to create our family. We shared all the ups and downs of ttc. And when I got pregnant, she was just as excited as I. She takes care of me when the pregnancy is difficult. Together we’ve prepared our home to welcome this baby. She is with me at every prenatal visit (and was at every insemination - hell she pushed the syringe at every insemination, she got me pregnant). And yet, we have to go through all this extra work and pay a bunch of money just to legalize her rights. Sometimes the law sucks. It sucks that as of this moment, she is a legal stranger to the baby I am carrying. When, she is anything but a stranger to this baby.

Check.

Well it was so much more low-key than I thought it would be. I pictured the lady opening closets and looking under sinks. She walked through the first floor, counting smoke and carbon monoxide detectors. There was more of the same when we went up stairs, except she was also measuring the bedrooms. Her measuring device was soooooo cool. She’d hold it to one wall and a laser beam would show on the opposite wall, and the measurement showed up on the device! I need one of those. With our current configuration we could have seven children, if we moved our bedroom to where it used to be, we could have eight. One or two is just fine with me; I don’t fancy packing them in like sardines.

After touring our home she quickly reviewed her checklist and gave us some ideas for further safety measures. In the end we passed with flying colors. But we can’t start the MAPP classes until what feels like forever- late summer or early fall. Our schedules just don’t mesh with the times they are having the next two sessions (A.’s school and me being away for July). Lucky we’re professionals when it comes to waiting.

I am excited, and a little nervous. Starting this process, and having the visit today made me feel like no matter what, if we want kids, we will have them, even if we don’t carry them. There are kids out there, and we are making our way to them. It’s exciting and overwhelming all at the same time. After trying for so long, there is a part of me that has begun to think about life with out children. Part of me sunk into that idea and with that came more doubt about ever getting pregnant. When you (I) can’t get pg and have no control, you (I) lose hope. Starting the adoption process gives me hope, for the first time in a long time. As long as A or I don’t do anything crazy to get some criminal record, then we will have a child. We will. Do you know that this is the first thing I’ve felt like I have any control over since we started ttc? It is. I’ve felt out of control since September 2005. That’s a long freakin’ time, no wonder I began to lose hope. Now I’ve got a shred of hope back, and of course I still think I’m currently getting knocked up. For 5dpo, I am doing great!

A and I are comfortably making our way through the tww. As I tried to sleep the other night I calculated how much time we’ve spent in the tww - this is our 8th try so that’s 16 weeks, or 4 months. Depressing. but we’ve been so caught up in being excited, knowing this is the one, blah, blah blah, that we nearly forgot we have a home inspection tomorrow. Ya know, for that little adoption project we’re working on.

We planned on cleaning today, and also addressing all the the safety regulations the woman will be looking for (cleaning products and medication out of reach, etc.). And completely unrelated we’ve been talking about moving our bedroom into another room. We decided we’d get to all of it today. First we swapped our bedroom and the guest bedroom, and had to redistribute some furniture through all the rooms. Then we decided to take our make shift third bedroom that housed a futon and all of our crap and turn it into a real bedroom and put all the crap in a storage closet (as we did this I felt like when we moved in last summer we just got sick of unpacking and threw the crap into a room and shut the door…). So now our bedroom is in the biggest room and we have two guest rooms (anyone want to come visit?). The second guest room looks like it’s ready for a kid. Hmmm. I hope the home inspector will pick up on this.

I found all our electric outlet covers (from when our nephew would visit) and put them in all the unused outlets. We are going to head out to get some other safety measures today - and some baskets to organize all the crap under our bathroom sinks - I’d die if the lady opened them and saw how we just throw everything in - out of sight out of mind. Once we were done with all the rearranging we started to clean. As A tried to take an outlet cover off to plug in the vacuum she said, “hun, these are really hard to get off.” I replied, “yeah, that’s kind of the point.”

So, the monitor did not peak, my temp went down… last clomid cycle looked the same, so I except a +opk tonight and a peak in the morning with ovulation sometime tomorrow (I am convinced my LH surge comes within 12 hours of ovulation, I am a freak of nature). My MW is on call tomorrow, so she’ll do the IUI if it’s tomorrow, which is so great. But I am not getting too excited yet.

Also…our lady from DSS called to set up our initial safety inspection! She’s coming next Monday!!!! Oh my Goddess! Good thing we just got our carbon monoxide detectors installed last week! Those that have been through this, please tell us what to expect. It’s just the first home inspection, but i have no idea what she’s looking for.

All of a sudden I feel crazy for ttc and pursuing adoption, but I know it’s the best thing for us right now.

Edited to Add:
I POAS just now and a second line is showing up…the surge is on the way!!!!

The background- I left a message for my mother today asking if she thought it would be okay for me to ask one of our family friends (her best friend) to be our second personal reference for adoption. I had no idea if this person even knows we’re trying and I wanted to get an idea of where I needed to start before calling her.

My mom calls me back.

Mom: Hey, sure it’s fine for you to use H. as a reference I’m sure she’d love it. And yes, she knows you’re trying. You can also use M&E….

Me: We only need two and so far I’ve ask M&P, H. will be the second.

Mom: So you’re going ahead with adoption? Are you still trying?

Me: Yes. We’re going to do both and see what works first.

Mom: I think that’s great! You should absolutely do both. We’re all rooting for you here.

I wonder who ‘we all’ are.

Me: Well that’s the plan.

Mom: So how are you doing the adoption? Is it an agency?

Annoyed because I know I’ve already told her,

Me: We’re using the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange, the kids have been in foster care and are legally free for adoption, or close to it.

Mom: Be careful…

Interrupt to inform her,

Me: This is our only adoption option, we simply don’t have tens of thousands of dollars to do private adoption. It’s not an option.

She attempts one more round of knocking this method and I demand this is the only way we can do it. She shuts up and I want to remind her that before I mentioned it was through the State, she was very supportive.

I hate to bitch about my mother because I do love her and she has supported us in so many ways through this journey, but I don’t care to hear her opinions about State adoptions. She is a therapist and knows a lot of shit first hand and I am sure that’s where her concerns are coming from, but I simply can not engage in that conversation with her, not yet.

I’ve always wanted to be a mother. This I knew from a very young age. I also always wanted to be the opposite of my mother, in that I wanted a career. I wanted to wear nice clothes and go to an office everyday. My mother worked from home, and did it so she could be at home with us.

I went to college, searched for a career, and found myself in grad school. I was passionate about what I was studying and became deeply invested. My teachers were some of the very greatest as were my classmates. We were pushed to reach the best we could and my desire for a real career intensified. I still knew I wanted kids, but they were second to my career, and A. spoke of wanting to stay home. That sounded perfect to me, I could have my career and my family. I never gave one thought to staying home. I thought it was a sign of weakness. Why after working so hard would I give it all up just to stay home? I quivered at the idea of a blank period of time on my resume.

After grad school I did a national job search, and A. was willing to go almost anywhere I got a job. We moved to Western MA and once I did start my job I had little time for us. After just two weeks on the job, I went into a six week period of working close to, if not more than 60 hours a week. I don’t think A. knew what she’d signed on for, but she never complained. Each year it’s gotten a little easier, but there is no escaping the busy times when I work till 11:30.

A. believes strongly in each person having “three corners” to balance out their whole being. The corners represent family, self, and work (or something like that). Perhaps this is why she never took issue with me investing ridiculous amounts of time into my studies and later into my work. I step back now and see that I have not invested equally in all areas, and I would say the career corner gets the most of my attention. But I see that changing.

As our journey towards motherhood has begun yet another lap, I am questioning my career goals. Grad school was easy for me. I always heard horror stories about how hard it is. Sure, I was challenged and worked very hard, but they were the two best years of my life, I had so much fun and grew more as a person than I ever had. Likewise, I am good at my job, and am easily successful. So it’s no wonder working satisfies me. It’s something I can control and do well. Trying to get pregnant, well I’ve failed at that. My determined self wouldn’t give up, and kept getting back up to bat, as if I were somehow addicted to the thrill of trying, playing the odds that it may work.

Each cycle that I lost the pregnancy game, I became more and more wedded to mothering, as my work. After trying so hard for so long, and giving so much of myself: emotionally, physically, spiritually, how could I hand my child to a day care provider? I began to understand the meaning of mothering in a way I never had. I’m sure it helped that I witnessed my SIL as a SAHM and the many ways my nephew benefited from this.

As you may imagine my shift from professional career woman, to wanna be stay at home mom was very confusing. I have (had) many strategic plans for my career. My current position would last three to four years, then I’d be ready to move on, this year in addition to working fulltime I’ve been working an internship to position myself for my next move. I have a plan, but now I want to throw the plan out the window.

And then there’s the conference I just returned from. Nothing makes me want my career more than spending five days with 10,000 of my colleagues. How can that not invigorate me? Many of who had their families in tow…I think, see it can be done. I met a woman in a career-mapping workshop and connected immediately. We were both in places of taking the next year to ready ourselves for our next step. Then she tells me she recently found out she’s pregnant, and was upset. You see, she’d tried for a really looooong time, with no success. When it was not working she gave up the idea and redirected her energy to make strategic career plans. Now she’s caught in a place where she can’t decide what she wants, her career or to stay at home.

As difficult as the last 2 ½ years have been, and with all the ups and downs, I can honestly say I am happy that I have not gotten pregnant. I’ve had some amazing twenty-something experiences during this time that I would not trade, could not have had with a child. The time and trials afforded me the chance to really work out what I want from the mothering experience. I am not quite there, but at least know I want to shift my focus, even if just a tad, more on family and less on work. And for the record, I loved that my mom was at home with us. She has an amazingly successful career now, and rarely has time to hang out with us when we go to visit. I know that as a kid, I would not have been able to understand why she’d choose that over me.

I realize I have not addressed the financial side of staying home. I will in a later post. I dream about staying home, but am not sure that it’s even with in our reach. For now, I am enjoying the fantasy, but I think it’s important to address the reality, and the privilege.

Check.

It’s true folks, we’ve completed the application. I called my friends, who adopted through foster care, to ask them to be our personal reference - they were thrilled and honored. We just need to get copies of our birth certificates and marriage license and a photo of ourselves and the application will be totally complete. Holy shit. We’re really doing this. We talked more about ttc while pursuing adoption - we’re not really sure if I’ll keep trying, and I have to say I am really enjoying this break! Part of me is ready to give up the whole pregnancy game and A. is feeling like after being my co-pilot, she may not want to try. I am okay with that. I really am. I am sick of ttc and adoption may be the best thing for us.  Stay tuned…

Tonight we went to a MARE Pre-Party Information Meeting. The purpose of the meeting was to familiarize prospective adoptive families with the children available for adoption in all of Western MA. There were social workers representing children from five different regions. Prospective families in attendance had the opportunity to meet with social workers in advance of an up coming adoption party where the children will be present.

We showed up not knowing what to expect. We walked in with another couple, similar in age, but we were by far two youngest couples in attendance. A nice man handed us a packet containing photos and descriptions of waiting children, many of which we’ve previously seen on their website. Both of us remarked how odd it felt to hold a “catalog” of children but then got some food and sat down to take a look. By now several other same sex couples had entered the room. One couple sat next to us. Right next to us. And then another couple stood right next to us, and we quickly became the “lesbian” corner of the large room filled with many people. This felt a bit weird and after some deliberation we decided we needed to get out of the lesbian corner and make use of the networking possibilities.

We visited the tables from each of the five agencies, which had more pictures and descriptions of available children. The photos made us want to adopt them all. The last table we visited represented the most western part of the state and had a picture of a child I first saw on their website several months ago. She describes herself as an artist, and loves to read and knit. She also happens to be 12 years old. After speaking with her caseworker (who is pregnant) we were both really drawn to this girl. The case worker and her supervisor suggested she would be best suited with two moms. Our only hesitation, of course is her age in relation to our age. We were sixteen we when she was born. Technically, we could have had a child when we were 16, but it’s on the young side.

We’re attending the adoption party next month and we’ll get to meet this girl there. In the mean time we have to start figuring out the home-study and MAPP class. Overall, we are impressed with the MARE program and are more positive about adopting than we previously were. It’s really sad that a lot of these kids don’t have homes. At this point we are keeping all our options open and will go with whatever seems right. I am still planning on ttc while we move forward with looking into adoption until one or the other becomes solid.

One social worker we spoke with said, “it takes time, just be patient.” We don’t know anything about that!

You’d think I’d be used to the ‘day you know you’re not pregnant’ feelings by now. Each month it’s like a new wound, reopened, complete with emotional pain. Each time it feels like the first time. It never gets any easier, if anything it gets harder. And, each time, my determination to win kicks in. After crying for a little while, and feeling like the biggest loser for even longer, and grumbling about how much money this costs us, and watching our house down payment fund shrink more and more, I come back with a renewed hope that NEXT time it will work. A. asked me yesterday, how I keep going? Honestly, I’ve put too much effort into this to walk away now. If I lose this battle, I’m going down fighting, knowing I did everything I could to win.

Sometimes A. takes issue that I put my feelings out on the internet before telling her (what can I say, I am introvert…). After reading my post she asked what I thought about her trying. This has been widely discussed, just not in recent months. Honestly when it has been discussed recently, I was not getting the message that she wants to try. Her being in grad school further complicates the issue. So whether or not she will try and when still remains to be seen, but should be added to plan #6,201.

I have lots of feelings about A. trying. Most of them are tangled in a web, and I could not begin to get at them when she asked me how I feel about it. It really is better left tangled. But, what I did realize, for the first time, I am not (as) sad about not being the bio mom, not being pregnant, as I have been in the past. I would rather her have our baby than adopt a baby. There I said it. I still want us to have a somewhat bio child. And if it means A. has it, then so be it. Three months ago I was not in this place. The idea of giving up pregnancy made me really sad. All the adoption talk has changed a lot. I’ve danced with the idea of raising a child that we have no connection to. I’ve done a lot of work to get to a place of moving forward with the process (and we still are) and it is totally still a viable option, but we are a two uteri home, and how can we let one go unused? Some folks can, but I hope we don’t.

There is no way on Earth that I am pregnant. Not this time, and not the previous six tries. Seven failed attempts, four iuis, one Clomid cycle, and I start to think this is a huge waste of our time and resources. We have no sperm left, I hate how Comid makes me feel, neither of us really think I’ll ever get pregnant…and we’ve devised yet another game plan.

I will have the stupid HSG, during my VACATION, in two weeks. I’m taking this next cycle off, due to travel around ovulation. We’ll spend our tax refund on baby juice (how many thousands of dollars have we spent buying sperm?). I will try at least three more Clomid/iui cycles before making any more changes (this will put me at seven iui cycles, four with Clomid). After that we’ll see if:

1. I want to pursue any further interventions (I said I’d never do iuis, or Clomid…and now I wonder how far I will go…and I really don’t know if I would do IVF or not).
2. I may stop ttc all together.
3. I may take a break for the summer (remember, I don’t work in the summer, and spend my days at the beach on Cape Cod, so iuis do present a challenge, or at least a really long drive).
4. We’ll move to adoption.

Technically we’re already doing #4. Part of the current plan is to start the adoption process, while I am still trying, and go with which ever one works out first. We are mostly looking at adoption through foster care. I’ve referenced MARE numerous times before. We don’t know a lot about adoption, and we don’t think we can afford adoption through an agency. If you’ve used an agency, PLEASE share!

The MARE option provides the opportunity to adopt children from with in our state (a great thing if the child does want to keep any contact with family — in some cases, the children express an interest to remain in touch with siblings or grandparents—and we’d also be open to adopting a sibling group, maybe up to three). Because the children are in foster care, and placing them in a permanent home is in the best financial interest of the state, the adoption process is free, which of course is very appealing after already having spent thousands of dollars ttc.

It’s a lot to wrap my head around. I spoke with a friend yesterday who lost her own infertility battle (four IVFs) and has since adopted through foster care. I feel so fortunate to have someone I can talk to who’s been through it all, and has come out on the other side. She does not judge and she gets it. I started telling her we are looking into adoption and she got sooooo excited, but then I was waffling back to the part where I am still pumping meds into my body and trying. And she said, “you’re at the point where you want to know you’ve exhausted all your resources. You don’t want to look back and wonder what if I tried…” For her it was what if the fourth IVF worked? When it didn’t, she knew she was done. I don’t know when I’ll be done. But I feel good about ttc while pursing adoption. Everything will happen as it is meant to and the child we’re meant to mother will find us. We can’t control it, we need to open up and let the Universe deal the cards.

We’re back to the adoption conversation. We’re going to a MARE info session later this month. The longer I try, the more open I am to adoption. It’s a process to move from bio child to adoption, and we’ve been talking about it for a while…We both just really want children in our lives, and how that happens is becoming less and less important.

We learned tonight that we’ll be aunts to another nephew in mid August. I was soooo hoping for a niece, but I do love my nephew and I am sure to love the next one just as much.

All A. and I want is to be moms, to have a family.

All these kids want is to have moms, to have a family.

Why is this so difficult for them, for us?

I’ve always bought into the cliche, Everything happens for a reason. For years A. made fun of me, or questioned how I dealt with difficult situations, simply by feeling it was ‘meant to be.’ And then she wised up. (hehehehe.)

It’s been just shy of a month that I verbalized a desire to look into foster care. At that time I also learned about MARE (see link above). These children are in foster care waiting to be adopted. In most cases, the birth parent’s rights have been terminated. We’ve approached the idea slow. A couple weeks ago the lovely ladies over at Foster Mamas welcomed us into their home to meet their adorable foster daughter over dinner and then let us pick their brains about foster care once the wee one was in bed. That gathering gave us lots to think about. We are a little worried that taking on a foster child when A. is about to start grad school could pose some problems. We’ve taken a ‘let’s wait and see how school is and then, if feasible pursue it in the spring’ approach.

Until now. Tonight I logged onto MARE and created an account. Within seconds I had access to children’s profiles. Some included pictures and statements. The pictures pulled at my heart strings. And I asked myself, why are we fighting this? We want them, they want us, who cares if they are not newborns? Nor born to one of us? They are humans in search for a family. So are we.

As I sat there, many thoughts rushed though my head:
Could I really be okay adopting?
We could adopt two right now!
Is this what is MEANT to be?
We could adopt siblings.
Why am I so resistant?
Is this what is MEANT to be?
Is this why our journey has been so long and arduous?
Is this what is MEANT to be?
Am I crazy?
We could adopt and if we really wanted to try to get pregnant at a later we date, we could.
IS THIS WHAT IS MEANT TO BE?

As you can see, I can’t get that last one out of my head.

I have spent the better part of the last 2 and a half years dedicating my energy to creating and maintaining my fertile self. I have tried things I never knew about and I have learned more I than I ever thought I would.

I have cried, oh have I cried! With A., solo, friends, & my Mom. I have kept my spirit up, even when I wanted to deflate it. I pulled on positivity, because negativity is stressful and stress impacts ttc. And here I am, no child to show for it. And you know what the worst part of it is, the children waiting to be adopted have been through so much worse in the time that I’ve been ttc. Why are we being so selfish? A. and I have the ability to give them the family they want, we want. So why are we still exuding all our energy and money trying conceiving one of our own?