Category Archive

Today I am home from work for what I am calling a physical health day. You’ve heard of mental health days? Well today I am home taking care of my pregnant self because I stupidly over did it yesterday. I don’t regret our decision to travel into NYC for the day to catch up with and meet so many of our fellow blog buddies, but if I had it to do again, I would do it differently. Pre-pregnancy I was a go go go go go go type of person. I could push and push and do ridiculous things (like spend 11 hours in a car in one day). You could also call this stubbornness. But now that I am growing a human and have physical needs, not to mention nutritional needs, I just can’t keep that pace. And when I try to keep my old pace, I end up as I was this morning, feeling hung over and run over by a truck, and certainly not capable of going to work and being productive. So I emailed in sick.

We did have a really great time in the City yesterday. We also learned it’s not a day trip. This was only my third time ever to NYC! I’ve never been a big fan of cities - they are too big and overwhelming to me. Yesterday it was really nice to be in the company of so many folks who knew their way around, which made the whole experience so much easier and fun.

We’ve meet several of our blog friends in the past, but I’ve never met so many at once or gathered with that many at once. It was so wonderful to sit and talk in person to people I’ve been talking to on-line for two plus year and to meet some new folks (my bloglines has already been updated…). It was so comfortable and I felt like I already knew these people and yet, in most cases, it was only our first meeting. I wish we had been able to spend more time together. The suggestion that we rent out a floor at a hotel for the weekend next year was genius…(not sure who to credit here) but I second the motion.

On to other ramblings about my life (sometimes I am amazed people read my blog). You’ve read me bitch a lot lately about people always leaving this area for greener pastures and most recently about how we too will jump on that band wagon. Well today another good friend bites the dust. He’ll be moved out of here in two to three weeks. He’s moving on to a truly amazing opportunity that would never present itself here and that will position he and his wife to move forward in creating their family. But he is probably my closet friend here, and just another in a long line of close friends to leave. I am sad he won’t be around for Moon’s arrival. And sad in general that he’ll be gone. I am so happy for him though.

Now I am off to try to be semi productive since I am at home and there are lots of house hold things I could be doing…

One of the things I love most about the fall is my desire to spend weekends in the kitchen cooking with our farm veggies or baking just about anything. This year I’ve taken to cooking multiple dishes at once. Maybe I am up for a greater challenge, or want to spend more time cooking, or it could be that we bought a full farm share instead of a half this year so we have twice as many veggies to work with every week! Last night I began to formulate a plan for everything I wanted to make today.

My day started when my alarm sounded at 6:30am so I could get up and drive our host student to the bus station, while that may sound early, the truth is I would have been awake by 7:00 naturally. I tried to crawl back into bed upon returning home, but I was so hungry that I lasted just a few minutes. A was also getting up. She started the coffee and I made apple oat pancakes. They were so yummy and we topped them with the spiced pumpkin butter we bought on our get away to NH a few weeks ago.

After breakfast I headed to the store to pick up a few ingredients. Once home I began my marathon cooking session. I baked pumpkin chocolate chip bread and zucchini bread (to take with us to the blog partay in NYC tomorrow) as well as potato leek soup and a Moroccan veggie dish. I peeled, cut, shredded, processed, etc. for five hours! I used to be able to stand in the kitchen for hours on end but today I moved a stool into the kitchen to sit on - and my legs still hurt from when I had to stand. At one point I was so tired I knew I should stop cooking, but since I had everything going at once, there was no backing out. I am exhausted from my day…I’m sure tonight will be an early night, which is really okay since we’ll be getting up at 6:00am tomorrow to start our trip to NYC.

If I have any energy left on Monday night, there are more veggies I could work with…really I think I will be happy when the crops end this year…

p.s. the foliage seems to have peaked in the last day or so. I had hoped to get out and take a lot of pictures today, but didn’t end up with the energy once I was done cooking. I managed to take a few pics and they are up on Flickr. Here’s one of my favorites:

A while back I was given a trunk full of hand-me-down maternity clothes in all sizes. These clothes have gone a long way in keeping me dressed while not breaking our bank. Some of them fit great, others not so much, and others I will grown into. The trunk was a huge blessing! But what I was missing were pajamas. There was one pair of pj pants in the trunk. I’ve been wearing those pants and big shirts to bed (and believe me I tried to wear pre preg pjs, and they were too tight). But as my belly is growing the pants are getting a little, shall we say, snug. And my belly hangs out of the one bed shirt that still fits me, so I often wake with a cold belly. I’ve searched everywhere for maternity pjs lately and just when I was starting to think I am the only pregnant women who sleeps, I found a pair of reasonably priced pjs at Ol.d Na.vy. I am sitting in them right now and I am in heaven. When you’re pregnant you tend to forget what it’s like to have comfortable clothes that fit you. Right now I don’t even feel like I am in maternity clothes! It’s so wonderful.

And totally unrelated…

I’ve been having the best conversations with Nephew #1 lately. We’ve talked on the phone twice this week. The last time being tonight. When I answered the first thing he asked was “Where is A?” That’s always his first question. Then he went on to tell me: grampy is picking up pizza for dinner, and baby brother is sleeping in his seat, and he went to play group today, and then he asked how I was doing (fine and you I ask back), he replies, I’m doing okay. Then he states over and over to who ever would listen “I’m talking to E.” I can’t get over how well he is talking and how engaged he is over the phone.

Two days ago I was looking at a calender for 2008 and plotting out when I’d return to work if I delivered at 38, 40, or 42 weeks- which are all well within the range of what’s to be expected. Now granted when I go back to work I will then leave my job on June 15th when my “contract” is up and we move across the state. Once there, everything is a big question mark.

But back to me looking at the calender. I realized how sad I was at the thought of going back to work, even for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve been telling myself - and everyone else that once we move I’ll mostly be a SAHM, while I work a very flexible and part time gig with my Dad. Child care will be provided by my SIL and/or my hours will be worked around A’s work schedule in effort to avoid day care. My Dad has gone so far as to say, just bring the baby to work. Which I would not do with regularity because I know I’d get nothing done.

Those feelings of sadness were eased by knowing that when I do return to finish the school year A will be home with the baby and that we know for certain that Moon will be home with one of us from birth till through August, at least. I am truly thankful for that. But for the first time I began to accept the reality that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay home. I am cozily balled up in my fantasy of staying home while A works. But the truth is, we have no idea what our life and financial situation will be after we move. The  unknow has let me carry out this dream of being a SAHM and I’ve begun to truly believe it will happen. I know we will do anything with in our power to make it happen, but that may not be enough.

I find myself incredibly jealous of women who can easily make the choice to stay home. By this I mean those who have the financial resources. The privilege. I remember telling my mom I waned to stay home (back before the plan to relocate, which does make staying home more attainable) and she knew that in our current situation we’d never make it after giving up half our income. And she kind of gave me the are you crazy look? Yet, she and my Dad still scoff at how my brother and SIL put their son in day care at 17 months since they didn’t need to.

If I get to stay home we’ll be living on a shoe string. But I’ll be with our baby. That is what we both want. We don’t have anything against day care, and do respect that each family makes a decision that is best for them. We think avoiding day care is best for us. This is a huge shift for me. When we first started ttc I never imagined I’d stay home, let alone want to stay home. The shift came after all the pain and effort it took for us to conceive. Through that process I began to want this baby more than I ever imagined possible.

Before conceiving my career path was my priority. And I am at cross road where if I want to strategically advance my career now is the time to make the next move. But our journey lead me to this desire to spend every possible moment with the baby. I do think the challenges we faced drives this shift. At the same time, our expanding family unit shifted our priorities to wanting to live in close proximity to family. In embracing this, I have essentially decided to put my career in the back seat (maybe even the third row). There are no where near as many opportunities for me where we are relocating to. Yet, I couldn’t be happier about providing our child with the opportunity to grow up with his or her cousins, aunt & uncle, grandparents, and many other extended family members.

We have no idea how this will all play out. I am holding on to the hope that I will stay home and we’ll just find a way to make it work, and I am working on accepting that my dreams of being a SAHM may not turn out just as I expect them to.

I learned today how deeply in denial my boss is about the fact that I will going out on maternity leave in three months. I have been pushing her since August to start making a plan to cover my leave. I’ve given her lots and lots of creative ideas to cover the various facets of my job in my absence. We last talked about it a month ago and at that time we had half a plan that we wanted to present to some folks but she wanted to see if she could secure some extra money to pay my co-workers who will take on much of the work. She thought money would soften the blow…

Over the last month she’s been busy, or out of the office for various reasons so she and I have not been meeting with any regularity.  Everyone is asking me what the plan is. I keep replying I don’t know, which is true. And this is beginning to make some people very nervous, especially those I supervise (two full time employees and 10 students). We met today and in that meeting I brought up the need to solidify a plan. Her face turned white in horror as she realized she had completely forgotten I am going on maternity leave and she realized she hadn’t done anything in the last month to move forward in making a plan! D.e.n.i.a.l………………………………………

So we’re back to square one.  At this point I think she’s moved into crisis mode and wants to gather my staff and the three other people that do the same job as me in a day long retreat to make a plan. Um, this is what I’ve been asking for for several months. But of course, she won’t have time to do this for another two or three weeks, because well, we’re all really busy, and over worked, and this is how the planning slipped through the cracks in the first place.

I have stopped caring. I can’t stress about it any more. I have done more than enough to ensure there is a plan in place and at this point I need to give it up and hope she follows through. I’ll keep getting my office ready and making all the notes I’ve been making about how everything is done. But other than that I can’t worry about it any more. I need to shift my energy onto all the things A and I have left to do in our personal lives before the baby arrives.

I had a much better day at work today and managed to sort through all the notes on my desk and make a plan for catching up. It’s amazing what I can get done when I shut my office door! And maybe there is some truth to pregnancy hormones…

Question. Is it possible for the baby to have flipped head down? Something happened today and it all feels different, so I thought maybe the baby flipped, but it seems kinda early…

Today marks 100 days to go!

Nine days till we enter the third trimester!

I don’t really have much to say and have been pretty uninspired when it comes to blogging lately…

We had a good weekend. We took a day trip out to the Berkshires. I hoped for more foliage than we saw, but it was still a beautiful drive as always. My dad called and said he found a condo we may be interested in and went to the open house. It looks pretty good. I may go down and see it next weekend. It’s in my second choice town (second because I like the beaches in my hometown better than this town). We had our host student over for dinner and she taught us how to make dumplings (yummmm!). I had to work for a few hours this morning. That sucked. Then we went to see a this movie. It was really good. Now Moon is kicking the hell out of me. How come nobody ever told me about this phenomenon called Cervix Dancing?! Ouch.

I am getting more and more uncomfortable and resisting the urge to complain all the time. Sleeping has become painful. Trying to stay on my left side leaves me with a painful left hip and a stiff body. So I am rotating from side to side, even though preggos aren’t supposed to sleep on their right side. I’ve also noticed that every movement just takes more out of me and I get tired quicker than normal. It’s all worth it and I know that. 3 1/2 months and we’ll meet our little Moon and this will all be a distant memory.

My best friend who lives in Alask@ told me she bought her tickets to come meet the baby! I am so excited that she is coming. She arrives a month after Moon’s due date. I would love to have her here for the birth (she’s a L&D nurse) but she can only come for a week so she can’t really chance me going late. It’s just great that she’s coming. It’d be better if she moved back East (nudge nudge, if you’re reading!).

That’s all I’ve got. Now I am off to organize my sock drawer. I kid you not. We bought a bunch of socks and my drawer is a mess and I want to be able to open it and find what I am looking for.

Enjoy what’s left of the weekend.

Several weeks ago I realized I was struggling to put my socks on. Now, I have to sit down (on a chair - never the floor I wouldn’t be able to get up!), grab my ankle and pull my foot up onto my opposite leg in order to put a sock on my foot.

As I waddled up the stairs last night A. started laughing at me.

So, pretty much I am undeniably preggo at this point.

A. suggested I do a 7 week comparison…holy belly now at 25 weeks!

Things are moving along and I can’t believe I only have 15 weeks to go! I am so excited to meet Moon and I am also pretty excited to not be pregnant. It hasn’t necessarily been a bad experience, but I am not one of those women who love being pregnant. I had one co-worker tell me she never felt better than when she was pregnant! I am ready to have my body back…and as much as I love when Moon kicks or moves, I won’t miss the acrobatics in the middle of the night (oh, but then I’ll be feeding in the middle of the night…).

We had friends over for dinner last night. One of the couples hadn’t been over for a very long time and had not seen our piano. Their comment on it led A. into how we are going to have to get rid of it when we move. They didn’t know we are planning to move out of the area…so the conversation began. For the first time we were the ones being interrogated about our decision to leave this area. And they used all the same arguments we’ve used on all our friends who’ve exited before us.

It was the strangest feeling to be on the other side of the conversation and to be defending our decision to move. Their arguments were sincere and yet somewhat hollow - they know they won’t stay forever and they know it’s our time to leave. In fact last we got together they were the ones possibly planning a move in summer ‘08 but now they are both in new jobs that will keep them here at least two more years. So they hoped we’d be around until they left. It’s just a weird feeling, after having spent so much energy lobbying friends not to move, to now be those people. Oh well.

Later in the night we were discussing music and realized one of mine and A.’s favorite musicians is coming to play in our area in late February. It was the first time I uttered the words “we’ll need a babysitter.” And everyone jumped on the chance to be the babysitter! But in the end, the two guys cared less about seeing the musician than us women so they said they’d babysit and A. and I would go out with their partners. Wow. We have plans for after the baby is born. And babysitters soon will dictate what we can and can’t do. And our friends are all so excited to babysit…their true excitement made me so happy. Who knows if we’ll really make it to the show a month after I give birth, but if it’s possible, I will so be there!

We are home after our long weekend to visit family. Each time we visit them and then return here, it feels less and less like we are coming home, even though this has been our home for the last 4 1/2 years and up until a couple months ago we had no plans of ever leaving. But now when we go see my family, and drive the roads I grew up on, and connect with our community there, and picture raising our family there, leaving feels wrong and I just can’t wait to get back there. Back to the home I left 11 years ago.

The countdown has started. 8 1/2 months and we’ll lock the door on our life here and start over there. Of course we’ll come back here to visit, because we do love it. It just lacks family, which is what we crave now. The idea of starting all over is scary. We had a very difficult transition when we moved here and I know moving there won’t be with out challenges. Almost daily I start to worry: can we afford to live there, will A get a job that will support us, will we miss the liberal oasis of where we currently live (of course we will!), how will we afford it - these thoughts run through my head and my chest begins to tighten, when I remember, we’re moving to be with family, my parents will help us, we’ll have so much more support there. Suddenly all my fears wash away. It seems so easy and so right.

We want to be there now, and that’s hard. I don’t want to rush the time we have here. Or my pregnancy. And I know having four months here - just the three of us - after the baby is born will be really good for us as we grow into our new family. And I don’t want to ignore all that I love about where we live - especially as we enter the fall, which is so beautiful here. So I do struggle daily not to let my job get the best of me and to fully take in my last fall, winter, and spring here, with out wishing I were somewhere else.

I got up early and made it to my doctor’s walk in hours. I still managed to wait almost an hour to see him, but I am just always so thankful that they take walk ins from 8-8:15am (the first doctor’s office I had here made me wait three days once, with a tension headache, before I could get an appointment. Thus I switched to this practice solely for the walk in hours). He said it didn’t look like any classic pregnancy rashes so it’s probably one of the random pregnancy rashes. Great. I am using cortisone 1% for the next couple of days and then if that does not help I’ll fill the prescription he gave me for a slightly stronger cortisone. If that does not work he wants to see me again. I may also consult my midwife before going back to him. I don’t want to keep paying co-pays if I don’t have to.

The rash is no better now than it was last night, but the cortisone helps soothe the itch. I am not supposed to apply it more than three times a day, and I’ve already hit that, so here’s hoping I can make it till tomorrow morning. If not, I’ll be putting more on. This seriously sucks.

Tomorrow I go off call after having been on for a week and we are heading out of town for the long weekend. My sister in law’s father is visiting from Germany and we’ve never met him! He’s been here two or three times since she’s been with my brother, but we’ve never been able to meet him due to work conflicts (bro and sil’s wedding was small, A. and I were the only family there). I am pretty excited to meet him after hearing so many stories about him and to finally put a face to my nephew’s Opa (German for grandfather).

He visited this summer and Nephew had not seen him since he was six months old (doesn’t really count) but they video chat over the computer quite a bit. I was told that when Nephew saw Opa in person, he went up to him, rubbed his face, and exclaimed, “Opa has a face.” He loves his Opa. We’re also going to meet up with Adrienne this weekend. I can’t wait to get away. This is our last get away, for real this time. A. won’t have any more weekends off from school (save Thanksgiving and Christmas) till the second weekend in January. And um, we’ll be having a baby then…

p.s. I am 24 weeks today, which means I need to do my biweekly belly shot, but A. is in school Thursday nights, so my belly shots will be delayed…but 24 weeks sounds big and we are moving right along with the viability factor. Crazy.

Or I have a bad rash. Silly me thought it was a burn. I noticed it shortly after dosing a grill with water to put out hot coals. I was wearing a tee-shirt (because apparently Mother Nature didn’t get the memo that it’s fall not summer) and a whole bunch of smoke back fired at me “burning” my arms where my elbow bends are. For the last five days I’ve been putting lotion on the area and it’s just been getting itchier and itchier and more red. Tonight I felt the same itch behind my knees. When I looked, the skin was the same as my arms and feels just as rough. This is when I realized what I thought was a burn is really a rash…and it’s spreading. And it’s itchy! Dr. Google has me a little freaked out about pregnancy and rashes so I will be paying a visit to my PCP during walk in hours tomorrow, and hopefully getting some relief!

Today’s prenatal visit in review:

Moon’s heart was beating away this morning.

I’ve gained nine pounds so far- finally I am starting to gain (I never really thought this would make me excited).

I found out I can have a water birth! I knew there was a tub to labor in, but I was unclear if I could stay there through the birth should I want to. The midwife today confirmed that I can. This makes me so very happy. I’ve wanted a water birth pretty much since I knew they existed, but when we signed on with the midwifery practice we use (three years ago) the hospital they deliver at did not have tubs. However, it was more important to me to have a midwife I really loved than a water birth. So I guess there’s the silver lining of our long journey- now a water birth is an option.

We’ve been given the assignment over the next two months of picking a pediatrician.

We also got the name of the birth certificate clerk at our hospital so we can start the process to get A.’s name on the bc from birth.

And, I think I’ve accepted the fact that despite the fact that I loath the flu shot, I will be getting it this year.

Glucose test is next month.

We’re off to hear Moon’s heart beat this morning! I love these visits to the midwife. I am also curious how much weight I’ve gained in the last month. But mostly, I can’t wait to hear the heart beat again.

A. and I returned home yesterday after our relaxing get away. It was so nice to get away together and have time to ourselves. We spent a good deal of time both on our way out of town and on our journey home taking back roads to enjoy the foliage and the mountains. The leaves have hardly begun to turn at home, so the vibrant colors up north were a nice surprise, though they are still a couple weeks from peak. We stopped at an outlet on the way to our destination and gave ourselves permission to splurge on some baby items. So fun!

We were both excited to arrive at the Inn and were tired from our day of shopping and traveling. Not long after checking in I went down stairs to get a glass of water, when to my shock and surprise, I saw one of my supervisees checking in with her partner! I was paralyzed with the thought of my two worlds colliding and also a bit sad that my work world had permeated our get away weekend. They were only there for that one night, which was great for us because I felt much more at ease when they’d left and the feelings of my work world following me left with them.

A. and I achieved our goal of extreme relaxing (we really could teach courses in relaxing) - we spent hours at a cafe knitting and reading, then returned to the inn to knit/read in front of the fire before we went out to dinner. All in all we had a wonderful weekend, relaxed a lot, enjoyed scenic drives, watched the sun set, and spent lots of time talking about the impending arrival on Moon. Moon, by the way has been kicking up a storm! Yesterday after we got home we were lying down and it started. A. was feeling my belly and at one point she lifted her hand and could see a kick as the baby kicked so hard my belly moved up!

I was jolted back to work this morning with my first commitment at 7:30! It was a far cry from the relaxing long weekend we’d had, but all good things must come to an end! However, I was a bit annoyed when my supervisor called me after receiving an email from me to inform me she did not think I was coming back to work till tomorrow! Oh how I wish I’d known that, we sooooo would have stayed away one more night!

p.s. there are a few pictures from our trip on Flickr.

I have a very hard time staying motivated at work on Friday afternoons. I am almost always so spent from the week that I can’t force myself to be productive. Today I wavered between wanting to give into the urge to mess around for the last few hours and realizing my upcoming week is so busy that I’d damn well better just get to work. In the end I was responsible and put my nose to the grind stone (a first for a Friday afternoon).

I sorted through all the unfinished projects left on my desk from this week and quickly made a plan. I saved the biggest project for last. For the last three years I have coordinated a rather large departmental wide task. This is a project that happens on a small scale during fall semester and again on a much larger scale during the spring semester. It was decided back in August that I would work with one other coworker on the fall project so as to train her how to do it and she would take over all coordination for the spring project since I’ll be on maternity leave, and really I was very tired of this project and ready to pass it off in exchange for a different project had I not been going on maternity.

We’ve begun working together and divvying up tasks. It’s become very clear that my ‘organization’ over the last three years only made sense to me. It’s such a hectic project that my files end up all messy and by the time it’s completed I am so sick of it that I file everything away until the next semester because I couldn’t stand to think about it for one more minute let alone organize it! So I spent a good part of the afternoon organizing my files, writing notes and instructions on how and when to do things, updating forms, and then it hit me…I’d begun to prepare to turn my work over to other people in anticipation of my maternity leave. I’m not just passing this project off, I am documenting in order to ensure a smooth transition while I am on leave. And it felt so weird. It does feel early to already be making these preparations (not that I have a choice we’re on a schedule for this semester), but I only have four more months of work. Wow. FOUR months. That makes my heart smile.

A. and I met with the doula last night. We both really liked her calmness, which was really important to us. I told her I want to try med free but am not closed to drugs and I ultimately need someone who will support that, she was on board. She shared her two very different birth experiences her first was very medical and the second was au naturale this information made us feel confident in that she’s been through both types and thus has a balanced view. She said all the right things and we both felt she’d be a good fit for us. So now we just have to tell her we’d like to work with her.

We’ll meet with her once a month till birth for ongoing conversations and to get to know each other. I am really excited to have the pre meetings as I think she has a lot of valuable information to share. We talked with her about how we really want our midwife at the birth but know we have no control - it’s up to the on-call schedule and when Moon decides to come. Now I feel confident that I can start to picture the birth with our doula there. It’s nice to at least know that much. I am still hopefully our MW will be on-call.

Here is my 22 week belly shot:

Time continues to fly. I am so glad we’ve been taking pictures every other week. It’s so much fun to compare the difference every other week.  My belly sure is growing - as is my appetite! I can’t believe how much I can eat these days. My increased appetite is one of the things I love about being pregnant.

We’re meeting with a doula tomorrow night. I met her once briefly, but A. has not. I connected well with her and if we both like her we’re not interviewing any others. But here’s my question, if you interviewed doulas, what did you ask them? I know my main goal of the meeting is to get a sense for how comfortable I am with her and if I think we’re a good match. But if you have specific question we should ask, please let me know. Thanks. xoxoxoxo.

Sometime in the last two weeks I started leaking…Wow, I really didn’t know I’d need breast pads so soon.

Happy two year blogaversary to me!

It’s hard to believe I’ve been writing in this blog for two years. I am often shocked at how freely I publish my deepest thoughts on growing our family. I had no idea when I started that the love and support of fellow bloggers would be so essential in helping us get through the darkest times our journey. I am keenly aware that we are one of the lucky ones who after much heartache are now gleefully awaiting the arrival of our child. While my blog has moved from sometimes bitterly trying to conceive to the ups and downs of pregnancy, I remember, just like it was yesterday, how devastating it was to experience negative cycle after negative cycle for nearly two years. I am pretty sure that with out this blog and all of you, this experience would have been far lonelier. Thanks to everyone for all your support over the last two years.

…

A. and I just returned home from a trip North for her aunt’s funeral. Her family lives about five hours from us. I am five months pregnant. I pee a lot. Let me be clearer, I pee very little, but very often. Our traveling has changed dramatically. We used to get in the car and go. Make one stop. Maybe. Now we stop every hour or two. Not only do I need to stop to use a rest room but also to move my body and keep the baby moving. On the way up I drove, and Moon lodged into me in the most uncomfortable way. Being a passenger on the way home seemed to help because I could move a lot, but we still stopped a lot.

Our time there was as good as it could be considering we went to attend a funeral. And I had a new experience. I was raised Catholic but haven’t really been practicing anything for most of my life. I’ve attended UU churches on and off but never joined any. A.’s father’s side of the family is Baptist. I’ve heard all sorts of things about being born again and saved and all that. But I really had not experienced a service. Until her aunt’s funeral. First, I must say the tribute in the shear number of people, more than 500, speaks to the many lives she touched. And the celebration of her life was quite nice, but there was this one part where the pastor, after paying tribute to her aunt, began down the road of offering his services to anyone who wanted to know more about accepting Jesus Christ into their heart. He let everyone know he’d be available at the reception to talk more to anyone who is ready to accept Jesus. I don’t remember the exact words but it went on for a bit too long and in my opinion, felt incredibly disrespectful to the family. This was a funeral after all. Sitting in the front row, I was trying to behave, but A. turned to me and whispered, seriously? I nodded in agreement. It certainly was an interesting and different experience for me.

Later on, after A. and I returned to our hotel and began talking about religion and spirituality. We were both still pretty blown away at the pastor’s remarks - me more than A. though because she was at one time ’saved.’ I’ve always struggled with this concept of God. I always rejected my parent’s religion. My mother dragged me to church but I was never happy there and got nothing from it - other than a community, but I didn’t really understand that at the time.

My experience was such that I pushed all religion away. My father only went along with my mother because she wanted to raise us in the church. But as I got older it became apparent that he was not really into it and now I have come to understand that he does not believe in God. He points to certain unfortunate events in his life that he believes would not have happened if there was a God. So for him, the very things that deepen other’s faith have driven him further from faith.

I must admit, I am more closely aligned with my father’s beliefs than my mother’s. I don’t point to tragic events as a reason not to believe, but more of a how do people really believe this stuff. On an intellectual level it does not make sense to me. I think I’ve always wanted to believe in a “higher power” and I am pretty sure that from time to time I’ve even said that I do. But at this point I’ve come to realize I don’t believe in God and I don’t feel spiritual. When I try to understand what people get from their beliefs I really am confused. And please excuse my brutal honesty here, but I think I’ve always kind of felt like believing in God is a display of weakness. Maybe that’s the point. You are surrendering yourself to faith. I am glad to have figured out that I really don’t believe in all this stuff. I think it took all this time removed from the Catholic church for me to really let go of all the baggage and realize I don’t have to believe in anything. And yet, I am still very open to A.’s wishes that we raise our child in the UU tradition. It’s the most open and challenging house of worship I’ve been to. And if nothing else, I think our kids would grow up knowledgeable about world religions, and maybe find some faith along the way. And who knows, maybe I will too, but for now, that fact that I don’t have to believe and that I don’t think I do, is settling in and I am enjoying the clarity.

BABY! We are having a healthy baby! Moon has ten fingers and ten toes, a healthy heart, and all other things that point towards a healthy baby. Moon was moving around a lot (must have been the orange juice I drank). It was totally amazing to see the baby, but by the end I was ready for it end as all the pushing and being on my back started to hurt a lot. We have a bunch of really great photos but I need to figure out how to scan them. If I can do it I’ll post some.

We are so thrilled with the decision not to find out the sex. We have no regrets and I am so excited to find out after what will surely be the most physically demanding experience of my life.

After the ultra sound we treated ourselves to a shopping spree and dinner out. Sadly we have to attend A.’s aunts funeral this weekend and I don’t really have dressy maternity clothes. So we headed to the mall (we hate the mall). We had a game plan and all worked out. I found an outfit plus got fitted for new bras. I was shocked to learn I’ve grown two cup sizes since pre pregnancy! I knew my bras did not fit right, but geesh! Now I have the right size and it’s the most amazing thing. A. also found some clothes and we each got a new bag. So much fun! We never shop or rarely go out to dinner! Thanks to Moon we were in the town where the mall is and felt the urge to celebrate!

A. felt Moon for the first time tonight. The baby was kicking up a storm so I asked if she wanted to try to feel it (we’ve tried this a few time before to no avail). And sure enough she felt it. Over and over. So freaking cool.

A. and I returned home today after visiting my family for the last four nights. It was our extra long weekend getaway for me to recover from the last several weeks at work, A.’s first time meeting our new nephew, and a chance to visit with my uncle who’s visiting from Washington state. And, it was the first time we’ve been there since deciding we’d try to move there next summer, which helped us to picture everything with a difference view. And there was much talk with family about the plans.

We left work early on Friday to get there in time for dinner. We had a nice dinner with everyone and got to spend some time with our three week old nephew. He is so tiny and cute! And is such a good baby. Seriously, the child only cries when he’s hungry or needs a diaper change. Nephew #1 used to cry on cue every night from 5-9. Nothing could soothe the boy. This one must know there is no way they could deal with four hours of crying and a toddler struggling with the terrible twos!

We spent all day Saturday with the boys. Playing and feeding and cuddling and rocking - depending on which one we had at the time. Sunday SIL woke up sick and my brother had to work so I picked the two kidlets up at 7:30 am and bounced them around from person to person at my parents house. We had a special date with Nephew #1 to go to a parade, specifically to see the fire trucks. The child is obsessed with fire trucks. He got so excited when the trucks approached that he broke into laughter and tears all at the same time (a scene repeated the next day when we went to visit the fire trucks at the fire station). And he relished in being an only child again, if only for a few hours. He had our undivided attention all while seeing his beloved fire trucks, watching trains, and eating ice cream, does it really get any better for a two year old?

While A. and I truly wanted to take him to this event, I’d be lying if we weren’t scoping it out to see what kinds of family activities we might expect once we move. The whole visit felt different. I began picturing myself woven into that community, thinking of the things we’d do with our kid there, and settling into how wonderful it would be to fully experience the daily going ons of my family. To really be an integral part of our nephews lives and not just the aunties who visit every so often. I want this so much.

As the weekend wore on, we started talking to my parents about the move. Our situation is such that we’d both potentially be unemployed when we move, and in the best case scenario A. would have been hired to start teaching in the fall. So we are ambivalent to buy a home anytime before we know she has a solid income. I will start working part time for my dad as soon as we get there - but I guess I still consider myself unemployed because A.’s salary is what will be supporting us in an effort for me to be a stay at home mom. My part time income will help, but it won’t pay a mortgage. We had hoped my parents wouldn’t mind if we crashed with them for the summer until A. would hopefully start teaching. I was a little shy about bringing this up, but it was my mom who really introduced the idea and impressed we could stay as long as we needed- and even took us on a tour of the loft above the garage and started talking about how they could finish it off…(mind you, they JUST finished renovating the entire house about a year ago and there are two bed rooms and full bath on the second floor that would be just fine for us). Their only hesitation is that they hate our cats. But we’ll come with a baby and they love that idea. In our ideal world we’d be out of their house by the end of September. But it’s really nice to know we can stay there. It makes the move feel do able. I was worried before about quitting my job if A. did not have one, but this way we can take the time we need to figure it out. And, for the first time I don’t feel tied down to my job. Their offer truly liberated me. Now I will be able to give my notice before I go on maternity leave (academic searches take place in the spring each year so I am requested to give notice by February if I am not coming back in August).

Now, I am not a fool. I do not think moving into my parents house with a five month old will be easy. It won’t. We all agreed it will be hard for all of us at times. My parents did it with both of their parents at one time or another so they are really open to it and have first hand experience of what it’s like. They also work crazy long hours, so we really wouldn’t see each other all that much. And the house is plenty big enough for all of us. I am on cloud nine after their offer. I feel like we can move there. We can go whether A. has a teaching job or not. And I can be a stay at home mom. And we’ll have family all around us for better and worse…and it will be great! But A. and I had one last reservation that I brought up over breakfast, I asked how they felt about cloth diapers, and specifically cloth diapers being washed in their washer? My dad’s response I think they are great, I’m glad you’re not going to use those [pointing in the direction of both nephews stash of disposables] it’s the worst thing you can do for the land fill. We used them on you. My mother’s response, I don’t care.

So the plan as it stands now is for us to move out of here by July 1, 2008. Nine months from now. A. will *hopefully*have a teaching job for the fall and will get some kind of summer work. I would work part time with my dad and my SIL and I would trade off child care. We’d be home. We’d be with family. And our child would be growing up just as we’ve both wanted it to, surrounded by family and a well established network of friends and community. Nothing could make me happier.

On another subject…right now I am super excited about our ultra sound tomorrow. We’re going to “see” the baby for the first time! I am already prepared to cry- hearing the heart beat makes me misty eyed. We solidly agree not to find out the sex and I think we’ve even nixed the idea of having the perinatologist document it for future info if we change our minds. We want the surprise at birth. I just know myself, and I know I would be disappointed if I knew ahead of time. So as I said to A. we’re just going to be those people and my mother will never forgive me. Good thing she loves us! She actually said this weekend so someone out in W.Mass will know the sex of my grandchild and I have to wait till birth. Yes mom, it’s true. And after long debates about names this weekend, she’s starting to accept the fact that she won’t like our kid’s name either.

A. and I spend a half hour or so talking every night once we get into bed. Last night she reminded me our ultra sound is next week and don’t I want to know if we’re having a girl or a boy? I told her I still don’t want to know. Not now. When she asked why, I gave all the usual tired responses but one more came out. I am not ready for this baby to have an identity. I am not ready to think of it as a boy or girl, I feel like I am just getting to know it as baby. Only recently have I started to feel it move, and thus really start connecting with it. Knowing the sex somehow advances this getting to know process and I am not ready. I also feel like it would just take away from the whole experience. We knew both times that my SIL was having boys and there was an element of excitement missing for me. By the time they both came, I already felt this connection that was artificial based on knowing the sex in utero. A. saw my point and we went to bed shortly after.

I woke this morning remembering a weird dream. I was walking into my vets office, but the office was closed for medical service and I was there to pick out a kitten for someone. There were a bunch of kittens and they were in two different cribs. I was distracted by a mom cat…she had a tiger striped coat and her fur was blue - brilliant sky blue and gray. Her eyes matched the blue fur. As I began the process of selecting a kitten I could not do it. I spent so much time walking from crib to crib petting the kittens but I could not decide which one to take with me. The dream was interrupted when Moon sat on my bladder…so I never picked one.

Bloggers, what’s the connection here?

AKA my 20 week belly shots:

I  can not believe we’re half way to meeting Moon. The time is going by so fast!

This baby is really moving around. It’s such a cool experience to feel the baby from the inside and to connect in this way. Not a day passes that I don’t feel the baby now. I just had to share how neat it is.

Today we opened our doors to all our returning students. This was my fourth year opening a residence and by far the smoothest, I would hope I’d have it down after four years. And the whole time I kept thinking, this better be my last opening, and please let this be my last Labor Day worked, at least for a while. I know many people working in higher education are resigned to always have to work Labor Day, but it still sucks. Yet another reason to step out of higher ed for a while.

It really wasn’t a bad day. I only had one semi upset parent and at this point, I’ve figured out how to settled them down. I think the part that stung about working today was when my dad called to see if I was working and then proceeded to tell me he was at our favorite beach and there were only about 12 people there, nothing like the last time we were there together several weeks ago. I can’t complain too much though, we’re heading there on Friday until Tuesday and maybe we’ll get some beach time in.

The more A. and I talk about moving to the Cape where my family is, the more excited I get. It took me a while to really believe this is something she wants. But given that she has signed up for MLS listings, is looking into all kinds of family activities, and has begun to plot out her job search for next spring, I guess she really does want to move there.

We’re still perplexed as to how we’ll afford this move. The housing is a lot more than where we are now. Before this plan, we were looking to buy here next spring, to move there will add a lot more onto the mortgage, and I still want to stay at home…We’re not dealing with the reality part yet. We know we won’t get as much for our money there, but having family near by will more than make up for it. We’ve found some condos in our price range, although they are small and lacking some amenities that we’d really like. For a little more money we can get almost everything we want. The trade off will be exchanging childcare with my SIL. She and I have talked about sharing care so we could both work part time and not have to pay for child care. And we’ll be comforted to have family watching our kids. Win win if you ask me.

I will step out of higher ed. My Dad’s been trying to get me to come to work for him for years. I would set my hours and have total flexibility. Perhaps some day down the road I’d get back into higher ed, but for now, how could we pass up all the support? The chance to mostly be home. A flexible schedule. Having family around. Our child growing up with cousins, grandparents, aunt and uncle, and other extended family and our existing community of friends. It’s what I knew growing up and I’ve always wanted it for my kids but never thought it would happen. The fact that we’re trying to make it happen is overwhelming to me. I can’t wait. And yet I don’t want to rush the time we still have here. For now, we’ll continue the frequent trips there. And, no matter what, I don’t plan on working on Labor Day next year.

When did our weekends turn into home improvement central?

Here’s what we did this weekend:

1. A. painted the baby’s room - we weren’t going to because we are 99% sure we’ll move out of here when the baby is about five months old so we had decided to forgo the whole baby room to save some money since Moon will be sleeping in our room for most if not all of those five months. But then I had an extra gallon of paint left over from when A. painted my office, and we decided yesterday morning that we couldn’t look at the white walls anymore, so she had at it.
2. I rummaged through my sewing scraps and managed to quilt a window curtain for Moon’s room. It’s pretty cool that I had just enough scraps to pull together exactly what I wanted and in the colors I wanted! It matches the walls perfectly.
3. We made a trip to Target and purchased a bookshelf, lamp, and rug.
4. We swore a lot while assembling the bookshelf.
5. A. cleaned the house.
6. We started in on preserving more farm veggies - this week’s pick up was huge!

Moon’s been kicking me most of the afternoon and I love it. Now off to finish preserving.

ETA:

We also…

• Did tons of laundry
• Filled out our name change paperwork
• SIGNED UP FOR CHILDBIRTH CLASSES!!!!!!!!!

I don’t think I’ll ever tire of hearing Moon’s heartbeat at our prenatal appointments.

Today our MW poked me and then told us where to feel for the head, then the legs…and then Moon started moving around and running from us. When the doppler went on, Moon’s heartrate was the lowest it’s been - 120bpm. For the first time Moon kept moving away from the doppler and as it did, the heartrate increased. What an amazing thing. We activated (err, rather agitated) our baby so that we got to hear the heart beat at a resting state and then move to an active state.

Our midwife said everything is right on track. The baby is sitting just below my belly button, which makes the growth right on target. I’ve gained some weight and my MW was happy about that. It’s hard to say how much because at my first prenatal visit I was two pounds more than at my second, today I was two pounds above the first visit. So I’ve either gained two or four pounds. I think she was just glad I’ve gained. I feel like I’ve gained ten.

We talked a little more about childbirth classes. And I learned that A. has been researching and may have a plan in place that will fit our ridiculously complicated schedules. I had no idea … because I’ve been working crazy long days and she planned to tell me this weekend. I am just glad there may be a way for us to make it to some classes. It’s pretty hard when two to three week nights and weekends are unavailable - from now till the first week of January. Um yeah.

A. has not only been trying to figure out our childbirth classes, she’s also been taking care of my life. She’s booked a get-a-way weekend for us in a few weeks. This is our rescheduled trip that we canceled over my birthday weekend due to morning sickness. She also scheduled a prenatal massage for me for tomorrow (thinking about it was the only thing that got me through today). And I know she’s been doing other things that I don’t know about to make me life as easy as it possibly can be right now. Oh…how could I forget, she’s also been busy trying to orchestrate our much talked about move to live near family…as I looked out at the hills tonight, it occurred to me that this may be our last fall in the Valley. I want to live near family, I really do, but I am not sure I was ready to start thinking about ‘lasts.’ Especially as we enter my favorite season here.

Soon, I will return to being a human, capable of making my own phone calls and appointments…very soon as in maybe by midweek next week. But for now, it’s Friday night, and I have two days off. And I plan to relax and enjoy some much needed time with the best wife in the universe.

Our big ultrasound is scheduled for September 12th. That’s in a little more than two weeks.

A. has known for a while that she wants to find out the sex. I have wavered back and forth from day one. There was a time when I joined her in the ‘want to know camp.’ For a time I really wanted this baby to be a girl, and she nearly had me when she said, “don’t you want to find out so that if it’s not a girl you can get used to the idea of a boy?” But since then, I have come to a place where, while I think having a girl would be really cool, I am equally excited to have a boy. I am not sure how this happened, but all of a sudden one day I cared less and less about needing to have a girl. And I no longer felt the need to find out.

It’s making A. crazy that I can’t decide. When people ask her if ‘we’re finding out’ she has started telling people she wants to but I don’t know and may not know till the day of the ultrasound. Which could very well be true. I am 95% sure I DON’T want to know. The reasons are both personal and political - isn’t everything. And then last night, I realized I don’t want to find out at the ultrasound, yet another medical process in our journey. Me always on the table on my back, with people poking at me. And I don’t want a medical professional telling us. If i am going to find out, I want it to be special and I only want to share the moment with A. Perhaps if we did not get pregnant through various medical interventions, I wouldn’t feel this way, but I am just sick of all these people involved in us making a baby.

And so we’ve finally made a plan (funny, because we’ve already made several plans about this, but I keep changing my mind). We’re not going to find out at the ultrasound. We are going to ask the perinatologist to write the sex down on a piece of paper and slide it into an envelope. And we will decide when and if we find out. Perhaps we’ll take that envelope with us in October on our little get away to our paradise in the White Mountains, or as A. suggested, maybe we’ll open it on Christmas (although at that point, why not wait another month to find out?).

I am the most happy with this plan and A. is just happy we have a plan.

I think I can feel the baby move! It started after I posted last night and just now I felt it again while sitting at my computer! Totally amazing! I can’t wait for A. to be able to feel it too!

It’s time for my ‘every other week’ belly shot. Today I am 18 weeks pregnant. And I am starting to show for real. I think I managed to hide my belly long enough to be the one to tell my student interns when they arrived this past Monday…at least they all seemed surprised when I told them. but even since then my belly seems to have gotten bigger. Still no movement, but I am not rushing it - I know once it starts I will long for the peaceful days when the baby does not kick me all the time, especially when I am sleeping.

We’re flip flopping on finding out the sex again…shocking I know! We really have to figure this out before our ultra sound on the 12th of September. And with out further ado here’s my belly:

7 weeks & 18 weeks

Or to be more accurate, catching my breath!

The last week has been a whirl wind! A. and I worked a half day last Friday to get a jump start on the Cape traffic. Thankfully we were successful. Our host student did not end up coming with us. We were sad but also relieved since this was turning into a family weekend and it just would have been hard to have her there. Saturday we enjoyed a peaceful day on the beach and headed back to the house in time to shower and get dressed for our baby shower.

The shower was so much fun. I felt like a kid at Christmas opening all those gifts, but even more special was how excited everyone was to come together to celebrate the baby we are having. People are truly excited and want the very best for us. We were amazed that several family members drove long distances through summer Cape traffic just to celebrate. Here are some pictures (Flickr friends can see identifiable pictures):

We spent the next day on the beach as well. All day. It was amazing. The time finally came when we had to pack up and leave the beach. We showered and hung out at my parents house for a late dinner. You see, our strategy was to leave late to avoid the traffic. The only problem was, about 6 zillion other people had the same idea. We made it over the bridge with out a problem, thanks to my native Cape navigation skills which make it possible for us to avoid the highway. But once we got over the bridge and onto the highway we were dead stopped. I am talking 5 to 10 mph for two and a half hours before I started to loose it. By then we’d been traveling for three hours, it was 10:30pm, and I was tired, cranky, and pregnant. Oh and I needed a bathroom.

We pulled off to assess our options and use a bathroom. Not far in the distance was a hotel and I was seriously starting to consider forking over the money for a bed. Only problem, we travel with cats…our boy needs meds everyday and it’s (usually) easier to take them with us than to get someone to come in everyday and hope he will cooperate. So now we need a hotel that permits pets. Great. The only hotel chain I knew of that would allow our cats to stay with us is Red R@@f Inns. We got back on the road looking for such a hotel.

I nearly cried when I saw a somewhat familiar red sign…we pulled off and got a room for the night. A. claims it was the worst hotel she’s ever stayed in -to give you an idea- it took them FOUR tries before checking us into a room that was ready for guests (the first three had dirty towels on the floors and the beds were not made up). Once in our “clean” room we noticed the window was cracked and then tapped over. But it had a bed. That was all I wanted!

We both slept horribly. But we were horizontal, and not driving. We got up early in order to continue the last two hours home in time to shower and make it to work. Of course we were exhausted. And A. may have even called in sick for two days (she’d gotten Harry Potter over the weekend) but she did spend one of the two days painting my office - which has made more difference than I ever knew it could!

The week has continued to be crazy. I am prepping for my busiest time of the year. Today began the long days - I put in 10 hours today and the next two weeks will be at least 12 hours days. I have this weekend off and while I really just want to SLEEP and lay in my bed and recover and prepare my body for the next couple weeks, I also really want to meet my new nephew. So I think I will wake early tomorrow and do a 24 hour visit so as to come home early Sunday - avoid traffic and sort of get a day at home.

I’ll be MIA in blog land for a while. After labor day, I’ll return, and a new academic year will open. God I hope I am ready!

I knew the day would come. But I thought I’d be seven, maybe eight months pregnant… For the last two weeks or so I’ve been taking my wedding ring off to sleep at night because I could tell my fingers were starting to swell and I thought the break over night would help. This morning, as I was getting ready I grabbed my rings to slip them on and they were not going past my knuckle. I tried and tried, and my knuckle turned red. My rings are now safely put away in my jewelry box and I am wearing a different ring that is a size bigger. I can’t believe at four months I am already this swollen. So long to my sparkles…

Somehow 16 weeks have passed. The last week has been a turning point for me. I am feeling bigger and I think showing a little. And internally, I can tell things are happening. My uterus feels more crowded, and when we press with our fingers, we’re able to feel what feels like a mass that could be the baby just below my belly button. I continue wake every 2 to 3 hours to use the bathroom at night…and I am pretty exhausted from being back at work.

Here’s the progression:

7 weeks & 16 weeks

After several weeks of sleeping with my Snoogle Pillow, I have figured out how to make it work for me and it no longer feels like a big huge obstacle in the bed (well. A. may say something different about this). I’ve been sleeping better and not waking up in pain. This is a very good thing. However, our cat, the one that usually sleeps at my feet seems to have just noticed this new pillow and has decided she too needs more support. It started with her wedging herself between it and my legs, and this morning when I woke she was between the Snoogle and my upper back! She LOVES this thing. I am not sure how practical it is to have the cat between me and the back support… But I never notice she’s there until I wake up. So for now I guess Gwyneth Bean has got my back!

Update on the shower dilemma…

I called my mom last night and expressed my concerns. She spent a good five minutes trying to convince me there was no shower…but she was finally convinced when I told her what I knew and then gave in when she could hear the stress in my voice. Yes there is a shower. It’s on Saturday night. A.’s family is staying with us and my parents are giving up their bed to accommodate all the guests. Hey, that’s their choice.

I am so glad to have the details. Now I will tell our host student that I am pregnant on our way down and also explain the concept of a baby shower and tell her a bit about the characters she will meet there! Also, I’m glad I know the time of the shower, since we have a dune tour booked in P-Town when we are supposed to be at the shower! We are excited that everyone is excited and wants to come and celebrate with us. I just needed the details so I could manage our schedule and still provide our student with a proper visit to the Cape!

The phone call last night only left me with the details so we could plan. I was still a bit stressed and feeling really bad that my mom was so disappointed about it not being a surprise. But I tried to let it go. I woke still feeling bad. She called me this morning and after that phone call I felt better. But apparently she felt worse when she realized just how stressed all this had made me. She called back again. I think we are both ok now and we’re all really looking forward to the shower!

So, I bet you’re wondering why on Earth she’s throwing our shower at 16 weeks!? Mostly it boils down to a miscommunication and partly she just wanted to do it, so I’ve been told. When I left their house after visiting for an extended period this summer, my dad said “so we won’t see you till Christmas, right?” Which is what he says every summer when I leave. So she thought we wouldn’t be back before then, and when she pictured planning this - as a surprise - she didn’t know how, between my on-call schedule and A.’s weekend class schedule, she’d pull it off. We thought she’d talk to us, maybe in the fall about dates and we’d suggest the first Sunday in November. She said to me, “well that was a mistake, thinking I’d actually talk to you about it!” I guess we just disagree about it needing to be a surprise.

We’re all okay, it’s early, it’s not what we’d though, but we are excited. And…I really and truly do hope my SIL can hold off and have her baby after the shower, so she can be there. (She’s due 8/13.) We have our differences, but I do think my pregnancy has helped to mend our relationship and I would like her to be there.

Our baby shower is next weekend.

We’re not supposed to know.

We are going to my family’s with our international host student FOR THE FIRST TIME. And have an entire weekend of events planned.

My mother has invited more people than there are beds to stay at her house.

We planned this trip before I was pregnant. We feel strongly that our host student should not be sharing a room with anyone. For this reason I wrote all of this on my mother’s calendar back in April- so no one else would be staying at the house.

Did I mention she does not know I am pregnant? No students know yet.

I want to throw up.

A. and I had planned to swing by our friend H.’s house last night to pick up our kayaks. We store them in her barn, but since she’s moving, we needed to get them. While there we were going to get first pick on everything she’s selling in a yard sale today. She’s decided to unload all her possession for this move.

Earlier in the day a large item from our baby registry was delivered to my office.

People are buying things off our registry. We don’t know who these people are…but seeing online that items had been bought and then hauling a huge item home helped to make this whole thing real. I walked in last night and plopped the huge box in the dinning area. Holy cow. People are sending us stuff. We’re going to have stuff for a baby. The baby is going to be ours. I’m having the baby. We’re going to have a baby, that’s our, and has a lot of stuff!!!!!!!!!!! I am not ready for stuff to take over my house! I am only 15 weeks pregnant. Why are people already buying stuff?

Not long after I got home, we went to H.’s to get our kayaks. She wanted so badly for us to take some stuff off her hands, but I just could not fathom taking any more stuff into our house. I was too overwhelmed.  And hot. We left with our kayaks and a bookshelf we’d given her four years ago. And A. managed to make out with a zillion children’s books - I was thinking for her eventual classroom, she was thinking for the baby.

Tell me it will be okay and baby stuff will not take over our lives and house, please?

More to come over the weekend. At this time I am exhausted from work. The effing heat wave is not helping. I can’t wait to relax this weekend.

But…………I just wanted to share that we had our third (third!) prenatal appointment today. Moon’s heart beat was 160bpm again. We met the one midwife that we had not met. We liked her very much and she had some really great recommendations for childbirth classes - and I was shocked to learn there is someone in our area that teaches the Birthing From Within method. Nearly every mother I know has recommened this book and my own cousin was kind enough to give me a copy, and I love it. We also learned that the only midwife we don’t like is leaving the practice. How lovely! The midwife also scheduled our ultra sound for Sept 12, I’ll be 21 weeks…which is on the later side for this one, but the perinatologist is on vacation so her schedule is a little backed up.

So more tomorrow. Or Sunday. I have so much going on in my head, but I am too hot and tired to think.

A. and I have long debated what type of diapers we’d use when we have children. We are by no means fanatic environmentalists, but we do recycle, compost, purchase many Earth friendly products, and are generally aware and try to treat our Mother Earth with respect.

Now that we’re pregnant, this discussion has become a reality- much like the last name dilemma- it’s time to deal. A. called our local diaper service and the service seems reasonable enough -although I can not remember the cost right now. They drop off 70 clean diapers and take away the dirty diapers each week. Since I am not too excited about washing diapers in our already freaky washing machine, this option appeals most to me, if we’re going the cloth route.

Yesterday I was doing some research and came across g diapers. These are part flush-able, part cloth. So I thought, well maybe this would be a good compromise. After watching this video (scroll down and click on see the video) I was sure this was not going to work for us. First off, who has that much time to get rid of a diaper when they are watching after a child? I know from experience with my two year old nephew, that sometimes I can’t even get the diaper to the trash because he is moving so much! All I could picture was me at home with our baby, and a huge pile of so called flush-able diapers sitting around! ewww! Plus, they look pretty expensive, though I can not get an actual cost. And let’s face it, finances do play into this…

And then of course there’s the old standby, throw away, terrible for the Earth, diapers. And I think, well if it’s good enough for everyone else, then why not us? What do you do with dirty cloth diapers when you’re traveling (and we do a lot of traveling to family)? And what about day care? Will they permit cloth diapers? When I compared the price of the diaper service and disposable diapers, it was the same at first and the as the child grows into bigger sizes, the service becomes more expensive.

So all you cloth diapering mamas - how did you come to your decision? And what do you use?

And all you disposable diapering mamas - how about you? What swayed your choice?

Look what arrived from Auntie A today:

These are so cute! I can’t wait to put our baby in these!

When I say gender neutral, this is what I’m talking about!

Not much is new. I have less than a week before I go back to work. I guess I am ready. I just want to fast forward into the second week of September. That’s when things will settle down.

I’ve already vowed that I won’t put in 18 hours a day six days a week as I usually do in August. It just isn’t healthy for this baby! My co-workers will just have to deal. My Assistant Director will have to do more. What a fun year this will be… I am going to talk to the midwife at our next appointment (a week from tomorrow) about how to go about talking to my boss about how I just can’t do what is expected for this school year’s opening. She just can’t expect me to put in the hours that I usually do. I’m not sure how that conversation will go… I also want to meet with our human resources department so I can get a grasp on my maternity benefits. And to do a little poking around about my rights. I am not sure how my boss is planning to work out our on-call rotation that I will NOT be in while on maternity. But I fear she will expect me, in “fairness” to others to make up all the time I will miss during the spring while I am still working in the fall. I am pretty sure this is not cool. And it would make me crazy. So I will brave the dreaded HR department in hopes of seeking some clarity/support. Oh yeah and I can’t wait to see everyone’s faces when I show up pregnant- they don’t know!

I spent some time today melting wandering around the Noho side walk sale - the temperature read 99 degrees at 4pm. I didn’t buy anything but there were a lot of good deals and cool stuff. I wish I had myself together enough to start holiday shopping.

Before heading to the sidewalk sale I found a great kids consignment store in our town that sells kids clothes, toys, accessories, and maternity and nursing clothes! I got three shirts and a jean skirt for $12! We will be back there once this baby arrives! And I am sure I’ll go back to check on maternity clothes from time to time.

Our cats have been driving us crazy and the orange one tried to sit on