Today was the day we were supposed to meet The New Midwife.
Eight weeks ago I scheduled an appointment and arranged childcare so that A could come with me. As we were driving to Maine last Friday I received a phone call from the TNM’s office informing me they needed to reschedule…EIGHT freaking weeks ago…and just like that – nope, sorry you don’t get to come in! If she were not the most reputable midwife in this area, I swear I’d been looking for a new one… My appointment is rescheduled and *I’ll meet her in FOUR weeks.
(*A will have to stay home to watch E.)
Up until the phone call on Friday we were still on the fence about involving TNM to get pregnant and I wasn’t making a solid TTC plan until we met her, and figured out how the logistics would play out if we used her to TTC. But now we’ve pretty much decided to use our old midwife, which will be a logistical nightmare and involve lots of travel for inseminations. But at the same time, I will have all my care under one person, where as with TNM there would be lots of people involved. Mr. E and I will crash with friends where we use to live for a night or two every cycle. And this is where I start to stress…
I don’t really want to deal with friends knowing that we are TTC. It just adds a layer of stress. And I am not so sure I really want to call up an old friend once a month and say “hey can my baby and I stay with you tonight? I’m ovulating.” I am sad that A will not be by my side, as she was for every insemination and prenatal appointment. I also don’t really love staying in hotels with a baby. Baby bedtime = lights out.
I am trying to be so zen about the whole process. I have made a pact with myself not to become the crazy, TTC, loony woman — that I once was. I’ve told myself that I will not go to the same lengths to get pregnant that I did with Mr. E. I am *TRYING* to be satisfied with the blessing that I already have.
It’s not easy.
I am starting to get frustrated with the process. I am resentful, YET AGAIN, that the act of becoming pregnant involves other people. I am stressed about the details. We have no more than five shots with Mr. E’s donor (less if we do more than one insemination per cycle). I am trying to think of the travel inseminations as temporary. I’ll do it so long as we have sperm in storage in our old town. Then reassess, if needed.
I want so much to be prenant again. To have one more child. To give Mr. E a sibling. I WANT IT SO BADLY. And some days, I just don’t think I am strong enough to do it.
9 comments
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March 17, 2009 at 8:29 am
maeby
I so get what you’re saying, about trying to be mindful of your good fortune in Mr. E, but still, there’s that…PULL to be pregnant again. I feel the same way; I’ve always wanted to 2 (& only 2) & the thought of the work ahead of me – should True & I ever get to a point where we actually agree to try again (& that’s another headache all together) – totally exhausts me. And isn’t it SO frustrating to have additional stress added with regard to donor availability? We only have TWO vials left of Ribbit’s donor – who is no longer available at all. Gr.
I hope that, despite all the hurdles that need to be jumped, things go as smoothly as possible. And with any luck, maybe you only have to go through these hoops once or twice.
March 17, 2009 at 10:15 am
Erin
I wanted my second just as intensely as I wanted the first. Its different, of course, but you have to let yourself really really want this one even though you have your beloved E. My only advice is to try and remember that the second time around can be so different. It took 7 months to for me to conceive our first daughter and 1 month to conceive our second. You just never know. . .
Are you doing acupuncture? I think it makes an incredible difference.
Anyway, I’ll be thinking of you and wishing you all the best.
March 17, 2009 at 11:42 am
chris
is it possible to still use the new midwife to help you get pregnant, even though there is a delay in the meeting/appointment? i think i would be pretty tempted to use someone in the area, to cut down on the stress of travel and staying with other people and all that. that sounds really hard to me and i think i would kind of hate it after a month or two.
March 17, 2009 at 11:54 am
E
NAK
just to clarify – TNM would not really be helping us — i’d have someone else doing the IUIs & TNM’s back up Ob would be prescribing, & i have no idea who’d be doing the ultra sounds. We have to travel anyway b/c the sperm is in stroage where we used to live and so far we have not found anywhere closer to store it — so by traveling for insems we are actually traveling less than if we picked it up IUI’d here and brought the tank back…
yes, i am doing acupuncture – and did not last time – so far i love it!
March 17, 2009 at 7:09 pm
CD
well, we’re here and we already know you’re trying. so….keep us on your radar your welcome to stay with us anytime you need.
March 17, 2009 at 10:16 pm
Jude
You and E can always stay at our place. We read your blog so we already know you’re TTC.
March 18, 2009 at 10:08 pm
Kathleen
Yeah, we don’t have the fanciest accomodations (air mattress…but it’s a nice one, and big!), but you are also more than welcome at our place. Also, if there is anything else I can do to help you while you’re in the neighborhood like feed you or entertain Mr. E for a bit, let me know. I would love to send some ttc karma your way!
March 18, 2009 at 11:43 pm
myra36
I’m starting to get that desire to be pregnant again too. my baby just turned one. he’s becoming more independent and starting to lose that baby smell (yeah, i know it’s weird). there’s just so many other factors to consider.
anyway, hang it there!
March 19, 2009 at 2:22 pm
myra36
oops! i meant “hang IN there”!
LOL