Ah, so that’s what’s missing.
Every so often I call up my blog archives to this-time-last-year. I just went back and read about my life in October 2007. I was in my second trimester, starting to feel uncomfortable, stressing about work and maternity leave coverage, excited and worried about the-big-move… I was struck how my writing style has changed in the last year. Once upon a time I composed blog posts that 1) where thoughtful, 2) not rushed because the baby was crying or other wise needs me now, 3) i was not perma-tired and, 4) the heavy cloud of motherhood was not hanging over me.
It’s #4 that gets me the most. I love being a mom. It’s honestly what I’ve always wanted to do/be. But there is just no way to fully comprehend just how hard it is until you’ve lived it. My thoughts on the subject overwhelm me and I am not yet in a place to type the words. I just can’t find them.
Motherhood is everything I thought it would be and then some. It’s meant giving up some of my most basic needs: sleep, food, & time with my wife. It’s hard. It’s so so so hard. I’ve had a rough time dealing with all of it. And I have not wanted to write about it here. I’ve been trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me? I function pretty well, and only tend to break down on the days when sleep is at a minimum.
We were schooled in baby blues and postpartum depression in our childbirth classes. And while I think any woman who says she didn’t have baby blues is lying, I’m pretty sure I don’t have PPD, even though there are days when all I do is cry. My trusty internet helped me understand postpartum stress syndrome. Oh how it fits like an old favorite sweater on a frigid winter night.
Now, I am not a mental health professional, but I don’t have the time to go see one (and my crappy insurance probably would not cover it), so self-diagnosis is the only way to go. It feels good to know there is something to explain why I sometimes feel completely crazy and other days am perfectly normal, whatever that is. I wish I just felt normal all the time. I wish I were fully present for my son every day and night. (Well really I wish he’d just sleep through the night and not need me from 7pm-7am.)
I am a damn good mother, but sometimes, sometimes I just can’t take it. Sometimes I think about my life before baby and long for those days. I feel trapped. I spend four hours per week away from my son (I work out of the home four hours per week – well more really, but only have child care for four hours). Maybe a better way to think about it, I spend 164 hours a week with him. Gotta run to the store? Better make sure the diaper bag is stocked, the baby is fed, rested, etc. Lug baby with me in and out of stores, click in and out of car seat, and so on. Want to make a doctors appointment? Ha! Who will watch the baby? You get my point.
This is all to say I feel like I’ve been Debbie Downer for the last three or so months and I don’t want to come here day after day and spew negativity. I also have had a hell of a time figuring out what’s up. So I’ve stayed away, written elusive posts, and in general abandoned blog land. I want to come back. I want to write through my struggles just as I did while ttc. I fear coming off as ungrateful, but I hold true that I write here for me. I love the support of our blog community but it can’t be why I write (…I’m still working on accepting this…).
So there. That’s what’s been up. That’s why I’ve be quiet.
14 comments
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October 24, 2008 at 10:09 pm
R
Just wanted to say i’m sorry. Sending you lots of hugs and positive energy. Email if you ever need to talk. This is your blog friend, write whatever will help you in healing and feeling better.
October 24, 2008 at 10:45 pm
Emily
so glad you wrote about it. seems that being a new mom is described as either tremendous blessing that is also a lot of work, or PPD. what about being able to be a mom who is doing a great job, loves her child, and also totally misses her old life? write write write. and come to Providence for dinner if you’d like.
October 25, 2008 at 12:20 am
girlranting
All of us need some sort of therapy, if you find your peace by venting here and having the internet community embrace you, then so be it, we’ll embrace. By no means will I stop reading just because you’re having a bad streak, but even if all of us did, then you still shouldn’t stop if it’s what helps get you through the day.
But we’ll always be here
October 25, 2008 at 8:14 am
j.k-c.
It is so, so okay to feel whatever you are feeling. I think a lot about how being a mom will change things and change me. I can’t get my head around it now. I think there are the positives and the negatives, there are with everything.
I think with every transition in life there is grief for what was, even if we weren’t happy there. And I think it is important to acknowledge and address this grief.
love you!
October 25, 2008 at 9:55 am
Erin
If you do begin to write more about your feelings of ambivalence and frustration, your confusion and your worry, this reader will certainly be able to recognize more of herself in your words. Since you rarely complain, I have always been amazed by how you seemed to sail through so much of what was difficult for me during my first year of motherhood. No sleep, no time to yourself (no self, for that matter), the sobering realization that our children’s development is not as linear as we were told to expect, and that any improvement in sleeping or eating or temperment is temporary. But–and how can I say this without sounding preachy?– It does get so much better. So much easier. My first is 4 now and she is really launched. The girl who could only nap in a moving vehicle now sleeps 12 hours every night, without fail. And when I am with her, it is not hard for me to do things for myself and think about my own life and ideas. She’s a joy, as I’m sure your little one is, but she does not consume me, and so it is easier to actually en-joy her. As for the baby, she makes me crazy lots of the time, but she’s my second, and my last, and when I think I can’t make it I look at her older sister lying on the floor coloring quietly and I know that I can. And you can, too.
Also, I’ll lend you my mantra for those days when I feel both conflicted and guilty about being conflicted:
I can love this baby more than life itself and still love life.
October 25, 2008 at 10:52 am
sn
parenting is extraordinary and hard as hell. and it’s hard to admit the hard as hell part because our babies are such a gift and are so unbelievable. and working adds layers to the anxiety, and the guilt, and the exhaustion. i have a four month old and am trying to make my way through all the challenges. i would love to hear more about how you are doing it, if/when you have the brain space and the words.
October 25, 2008 at 9:15 pm
sarah at notesfrom2moms
i love that you wrote this. i need to hear these honest thoughts… it makes the moments i have a tough time all the more palatable. it isn’t about being ungrateful – its about being real.
October 26, 2008 at 5:39 am
vee
I’m sorry things are so hard for you, but don’t ever feel you’re coming across as ungrateful. You’re honest, and we need to hear that everything is not constantly sunshine and flowers.
October 26, 2008 at 12:19 pm
this mom
If I had been writing a blog when my kids were babies, I could have written this post. Babies ARE hard work, being a mom is the hardest thing I’ve ever done. Please believe that it does get easier and the rewards become much easier to identify. You are doing a service to all the moms-to-be and the new moms in your same situation by writing honestly about your struggle. Write what you are comfortable with. One of my favorite quotes comes to mind here, I hope it helps.
” Those who mind don’t matter and those who matter don’t mind” – Dr. Seuss
October 26, 2008 at 12:30 pm
Kathleen
Going off many of the other comments, I also think it’s good to hear both sides. For instance, when I am tortured (TORTURED) about trying to strike the right balance between work time and Quinn time and can’t decide if I want to be working at all and start dreaming about being with her all the time and then I have a rough afternoon and think I would go CRAZY if I were with her all the time and on and on and on – I sometimes think of you and thing – “God, why can’t I be more unambiguously sure of what I want like E is. She seems soooo happy being a SAHM and I wish that I could be that way (happy and sure – whichever route I choose).” So, yeah, I agree – it is nice in a “we’re all in the same boat” kind of way to see the tortured side of you.
But, these feelings do suck and I’m sorry you are experiencing them. I completely get the back and forth of feeling crazy and normal. I think breastfeeding has something to do with it, as well as the sleep deprivation that you mention. At any rate, I will say that I have experienced a huge jump in the periods of normal over the last month or two. Sleeping is still shit for us, but one thing that has started to ease the burden is that Q is starting to really seem like her own person who can do things hersef, feed herself, amuse herself – I feel like the lessening pressure of having to do/be everything for her is a huge load off. Like I’m turning into a mother rather than a 24/7 MOTHER!!!, if that makes sense.
Anyway, just some thoughts. I’m sorry you’re feeling down. xoxo
October 26, 2008 at 6:13 pm
Co
I am sorry you are struggling so much.
If possible, I think it would be good to get an opinion from a health care professional, just to rule out PPD. I know you don’t have time, but it may be nice just to get reassurance. Is it possible to call or email one of your midwives from where you used to live even? (I imagine my midwives would email me back even if I wasn’t a patient any longer, cuz they’re THAT great.)
Have you considered if maybe working more and putting Mr. E. in some sort of care provider sitch might help? Do you miss working? I couldn’t imagine putting Jo in day care when he was an infant and I did it, when he was 3.5 months old, GRUDGINGLY because we had no financial alternative save moving somewhere much cheaper. And I still kind of hate that we have to do it. But he is okay there — he has a blast, actually — and it really is nice to know that on days when I am working, someone is caring for him and I don’t have to and I can run out to the store or take a longer shower or … ya know… just get some things done that are infinitely more complicated to do when he is with me. I am not saying that is the solution for you, but it may be something to consider… if working more and having Mr. E. with a care provider of some sort… even very part-time (more than 4 hours per week)… might help.
I realize you didn’t ask for assvice though. So I should be quiet now.
But, I just wanted to say that it’s really hard and staying at home has its real downsides. And you have every right to discuss them and the challenges you face.
October 27, 2008 at 6:50 am
Rosany
I commend you on your honesty and attempt to always be authentic. I enjoy coming here and reading about “real” motherhood and parenting as opposed to all the other blogs that you read and know that they are lying.
Take care,
Rosany
October 27, 2008 at 10:10 am
maeby
I’m commenting a little late, but still felt it was important to do so. Please, please don’t hold back. The way you’re feeling? You could be describing me. Winning the motherhood lottery is amazing, incredible, & oftentimes more blissful than anything else in the world. But that doesn’t negate just how hard it is, how it can totally wreck havoc on one’s emotions, how overwhelming it can all be. Venting about your frustrations, your anxieties, and your difficulties in no way diminishes your love for your boy; it’s just all part of the big picture.
Please be honest & keep writing. It helps me to know that I’m not crazy when dealing with my own parenting issues.
October 28, 2008 at 6:37 am
M
Life is really tough and the only thing more stressful than not getting what you want is getting what you want.
There’s nothing wrong with feeling what you are feeling. If there’s nothing wrong with getting support from your college or your family, There’s nothing wrong with getting emotional support from the internet either.