Monthly Archive

Life as a mom is pretty freaking amazing. Honestly, most days are great even when I am exhausted and sore from taking care of Mr. E 24/7. Most of my tears are tears of joy and intense love. For example, sometimes I’ll kiss his cheeks and the power of our bond shocks me so that I am brought to tears. But nothing is ever prefect and there are bound to be days that suck. I had one such day this week as sleep deprivation and a clingy baby got the best of me.

My best friend was visiting and I excitedly left Mr. E with her for most of the day on Tuesday while I got a massage and ran errands. He and I didn’t spend much time together and by bed time he was super clingy to me. He would only sleep on my chest. ALL NIGHT. Sleeping on my chest is usually reserved for my last ditch effort to get a few more zzzzs in the wee hours of the morning. He was up a lot. I did not sleep well. We were both cranky the next day, we both woke up crying. I remained weepy all day, until I had a full on break down when A got home from work and took the screaming boy from my arms. I spent several hours bawling in bed. My friends were still visiting at this point, but had gone into town for a little while. I stayed home because I was too tired and thought Mr. E and I needed some down time. When it turned into the above mentioned melt down, I felt pretty crappy that I was hold up in my bed while they were folding and putting away my laundry and doing the dishes. I have the best friends.

Now that I am almost two thirds through my maternity leave, I’ve begun to feel the stress of going back to work. And it’s enough to reduce me to tears and is producing far too much anxiety. I do not want to go back. Even if it’s only for ten weeks. Last night I told A for the one millionth time, I don’t want to go back to work. She asked, even after how bad yesterday was? You don’t think it would be nice to get a break from him? No, I don’t. The good days far out number the bad days. Mostly Mr. E and I have good days. The more I cue into his needs, the better. I am just starting to understand so much about him. And he’s just starting to show interest in me. He’s just too precious and I love him with all my might.

Most likely, I’ll have to go back. I find myself incredibly jealous of the stay at home moms in the mom group I attend. I can’t imagine how horrible I’d feel if I didn’t know that come June I’ll leave my job to stay home with Mr. E (I handed in my resignation effective 6/13, which is the end of my ‘contract’ aka the academic year). It’s the only thing that makes it almost bearable to go back. That and knowing A will be with him when I go back, and being able to bring him with me for some part of each day.

The last week has been jam packed and deserves a post or two, which may or may not happen next week. But the difference in Mr. E from week 6 to 7 was too major not to write a small post.

First, he is smiling and cooing at us! The cooing melts.my.heart. It’s so familiar, as if he’s been doing it all along, and yet it’s totally new.  Second, one night this week he spent the first part of the night in the co-sleeper, as opposed to our bed. This was huge. And right now, as I type, he is up in the co-sleeper, sleeping all by himself! He’ll end up in our bed at some point tonight, but this is huge! Especially because he was not asleep when I put him down, nor did he cry. He simply dozed off to sleep. I can’t believe how much he’s changed in the last week!

Yesterday A and I celebrated our seven year anniversary (7 years!). Things have been kind of rough lately and A has been having a really hard time sleeping (add a newborn into the mix and, well, it’s not too fun for her). She’d been up most of the night, so I didn’t want to wake her, but I’d also planned to surprise her and take her out to one of our favorite breakfast places. Mr. E and I let her sleep in till about 9:45.

The three of us got ready and headed out for a fun day. We enjoy a delicious breakfast out. Afterwards we bought a new camera, because our not-very-old camera is dead. Mr. E enjoyed his lunch at the Library while A checked out a book. Then A and I sipped some coffee at a newish cafe before heading to see this week’s momma and baby movie at our local independent cinema (every Tuesday there is a matinée designated for moms to bring their babies). There were a couple of moms and babies from one of my groups. We enjoyed the movie and Mr. E did really well, thanks to the Er.go! It was fun to spend our anniversary with Mr. E, instead of dreaming of a baby.

I left A and Mr. E last night while I went out and had my hair chopped off! I’ve been wanting to shed my mane for awhile - since summer. But I’d been growing it for so long and many people seem to be attached to it, including my hairdresser, so I haven’t done it. But now with Mr. E here, I just don’t have the time to do much with it. And when it’s as long as it was, I at least needed to dry it. I feel so much better with it now, and my hairdresser was surprisingly in support of my decision!

Today we did a lot around the house. We’re leaving tomorrow for our first road trip with Mr. E. His bag is packed, ours are not. We’re excited to get away and for him to meet my extended family. Next weekend we’re hitting the road again to visit with A’s family.  Mr. E better get used to the car!

Mr. E will be six weeks in two days. I can’t even talk about how fast that happened. But what this means is that he’s reaching his six week growth spurt. And that means he and I are connected at the boob. He’s cranky in the early morning. 3-6am is just hard for him. He can’t relax into deep sleep, so we’re often trying to help him back to sleep during this time. This morning I did a first. Laying down in bed, I put him on the boob, fully intending to leave it there for him to take it as he wanted, and I went back to sleep. Every now and again he’d get on it and then fall asleep, then take some more, and so on. Maybe I’ve started yet another bad habit. I don’t care and my new parenting motto is, whatever it takes. Boob man indeed:

A and I didn’t go out to dinner much even before Mr. E was born. Usually because we were trying to save money. Blah blah blah. So we don’t really miss it. How can you miss something you never had? But, we do tend to indulge over special occasions. Yesterday’s special occasion was A starting her one week vacation. I am so excited that she’s home with us for the next week. And we’re running low on food in the house. And it was clear neither one of us wanted to cook. So I asked her if she wanted to - gasp - go out for dinner?

We spent a good 20 minutes discussing how that might work with Mr. E in tow, and then another 10 minutes deciding on a restaurant we felt comfortable taking him (read: family friendly). By the time we were ready and convinced we could do this, we had just about hit the time he usually starts fussing. But we went ahead with the plan. Called ahead to the restaurant, fed him, and got out the door.

We had a slight wait once there, but he was sound asleep in his car-seat. We were seated and he slept. We enjoyed a glass of wine. And then we enjoyed our salads, and then our entrees! Near the end of dinner he began to stir so I popped him in a carrier and he dozed off.

We had a successful date, and I must admit, it was a little strange to have our son pulled up to the table with us! I guess this is life now. This morning we were talking about one of our favorite overnight get aways and A said to Mr. E, someday we’ll go there and leave you home. Then she looked at me and said, I don’t want to leave him home. And I said, well when he’s two or three, we’ll be ready. She retorted, TWO or THREE?! I guess we’re not quite on the same page about our our first nights away. We’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.

Is waking up at 8am, after only two nighttime feedings, with your little man, fast asleep and snuggled into the curve of your belly.

Mr. E had his one month check up this week. Our little man weighed in at 9lbs 11oz! How the hell did that happen?! He’s grown three inches and is thriving. Our pedi said he still looks a little yellow so we’re going back for another damn blood draw today. It’s very normal for breastfeed babies to remain Jaundice for up to six weeks, so I’m not too worried.

He’s really coming into babiness (I made that word up). He has somewhat of a schedule now. We can count on him fighting sleep in the evening. He gets so very over tired and then spends from 7-8pm fussing and falling in and out of sleep. By some miracle, he’s tired enough and ready to go to sleep by 8, which is when we all go to bed. The first leg of the night is usually our longest stretch of sleep - about three hours. Sometimes we get to sleep from 12-3am. Then 3-6am are rough for him. He’s in and out and making noises and his mamas don’t sleep so well. We’re up at 6am and then he usually falls back to sleep around 7 (we’re up just long enough so I can’t go back to sleep). I am currently reading this book…here’s hoping I can draw on it to get more sleep.

We talked to the pedi about giving him a formula bottle at midnight to try to get him to sleep longer; she was on board. We did it for two nights. And now we’re done. I need to feed him. I had to get up and pump at 4am today because I hadn’t feed him since 8pm, and I was in pain. I wasn’t entirely comfortable giving him formula, since we don’t need to, so now we’re going back to breastfeeding through the night and not really sleeping from 3am on. Fun times. But I’ve come to cherish the middle of the night snuggles we share as I comfort him back to sleep.

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My older nephew (almost three years) has come out with some funny things lately. The birth announcement we sent was of Mr. E, naked from the chest up. Sort of an artsy shot. When he saw it he expressed some concern to my mother that, “Mr. E doesn’t have a bum.” We talked on the phone and I assured him, his bum is still there. Today I got an email from my SIL, saying nephew told her, “I like that Mr. E, he is so funny!”

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A had a snow day and was home with us yesterday. It was so nice to have her home - nice to have a spontaneous day together and nice to share caring for Mr. E. It was a little preview into next week when she’s home all week! Glorious school vacation week!

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Today’s a full day of running errands and going to my mommy group. We are so close to having all our documents in order for the second parent adoption. Today I need to pick up our marriage certificate and Monday we’re getting his birth certificate and then our work is done. I hated filling out the paper work, the questions we had to answer, about our relationship and motivations for A to adopt Mr. E were, well insulting. But it’s done (and we’re just thankful she can adopt him). I am also going to pick up Zac’s remains today. What can be saved will be loaded onto A’s computer and we’ll go back to sharing. Our tax return is better spent servicing our car and collecting interest in our savings account.

The very nice lady at my A.pple Store called and it all started out nice and chipper. ‘We’ve had a chance to look at your computer and there is some corrosion. We can fix it.’ Just what I wanted to hear. And then she said, ‘unfortunately it will cost more than a new computer.’

The good news? They can retrieve everything on the machine. That is good news and I need to be thankful for this.

I’ll miss you Zac, you were my first Mac, and I loved you more than one person should love a computer.

Mr. E was one month old today! I can already tell time is going to fly!

For those that don’t know, O.prah’s show yesterday was about sperm donors, but she kept calling them ‘fathers’ or ’sperm donor dads.’ Viewers heard about the experiences of: donors who’ve been contacted by children born from their sperm, single moms who conceived via donor sperm, and children born from donor sperm. Two mom families were not even mentioned! Over all the parent perspective of why donor sperm was used was completely missing. It would also have been nice if at least one sperm bank had been represented. But now I may be asking too much for talk show television.

I really appreciated two of the three donor’s perspective on their role in the kids’ lives. They were open to being contacted yet wouldn’t push a relationship. One of those two went so far as to say, he’s not the kids’ father, he only has one child, the child he had with his wife. (This is how I hope Mr. E’s donor feels, when and if he looks him up.) At the same time, that donor appreciates the need that some donor babies have a need to connect with their donor to fill in the missing pieces. (Precisely the reason we opted for an ID release donor) The third donor proclaimed himself ‘dad’ and the family is very happy with how the relationship has developed. Different strokes for different folks, I’m glad it’s working for them.

The donor babies (adults now, of course) profiled ranged from those who’d been able to locate and meet their donor to those desperately wanting to meet their donor, but have no avenue to do so, and in my opinion, are understandably upset by this. Their experiences of learning they were donor babies also varied with respect to age and circumstances around finding out. One woman was close to 30 when her mother told her. The kids that have meet their donors - or in one case, not the donor, but a half biological sibling, seemed to be at peace with the process, while the others really struggled. They felt strong that they should have access to the donor. Can’t say I disagree, but that’s probably evident by our decision to use ID release sperm.

Also profiled were the mother son duo who created the Don.or Sib.ling Reg.istry. A and I had planned to register once Mr. E was born, and we did so after the show. No matches on there currently. Hopefully some day we will connect with other babies from our donor - we know from our sperm bank that at the time of his birth there were seven other boys and six girls born from the same sperm. We have more vials in storage, as other families may too, so this number could increase. (Sadly, our donor is sold out and not donating anymore, so we’ve only got five shots at a sibling with the same donor.) The power of connection really hit me while watching the show and I am more thankful than ever that we’ve already begun to establish a relationship with two of his half bio siblings.

I enjoyed the real life part of the show - how donor sperm has impacted the lives of those profiled, but it would have been a richer show had more perspectives been included.

My son has finally made it to a point where he sleeps at night for three hours at a time consistently. This makes his moms really happy and I feel like a new person! Next obstacle - get him to not think 4am is ‘get up for the day time.’ I fight him every morning and make him stay in bed till 6 or 7. But three hours!? Amazing!

I don’t usually watch O.prah but today’s topic is likely of interest to many of us. Just wanted to share. The title of the show is already rubbing me the wrong way, but I am very curious to see what these folk’s experience has been.

I don’t feel like I have a whole lot to say these days. Maybe it’s because my days are pretty much the same now and revolve around a small guy with big needs. That said, here’s what we’ve been up to:

Four Weeks!:
Mr. E’s been with us for four weeks and one day. Hard to believe. The time has flow and he’s already growing out of some clothes. Eek! He’s done a damn good job of communicating his needs and desires. It makes me excited each time I figure out one of his cues. In the last week I learned that within a few minutes of getting on the boob, he will need to come off to belch burp, and then need immediately resume nursing.

Mom groups :
Mr. E and I started going to some ‘mommy’ groups. The one we went to last week was a trip. It pretty my epitomized all the reasons why I want to leave this area. I think if I tried to raise my kid here I would go NUTS with all the over the top ‘progressive’ parents. Granted, A and I will be the whack jobs where we’re moving, but at least I won’t feel so damn judged every second. Even so, I think we’ll go back today, give it another try and get some grown up interaction.

We went to a different group yesterday. The description did read ’support’ group but I’ve never been to a support group so I didn’t know what to expect. I am in a place where I want to meet other new moms, so I went. It was not for me. I am not having a hard time with the transition at all, in fact being Mr. E’s mom feels like the most natural thing I’ve ever done. And I couldn’t be happier about being home, and I enjoy doing things around the house. And I want to be with him more than I want my career. You see where this is going right? I am glad such a group exists for women who need it, but I felt out of place. And I am not sure it’s helpful to the women who are struggling for me to be all rosy.

Nursing in public:
After yesterday’s group Mr. E and I went grocery shopping. He usually sleeps through shopping, but I guess I pushed him a little too far because when I was about four items from being done, he let me know he was done! I tried holding him to calm him, but when a milk mama holds their baby and he’s hungry, you can’t deny what he wants. So, I decided, if my child is hungry and I am in the grocery store, he still gets to eat. I unsnapped my bra, and put him on, pulling my shirt down as much as I could to at least try to be discrete, and continued pushing the cart to finish up the shopping. No one said anything to me and my baby was happy.

Sleep:
Three nights ago we had one of our worst sleep nights. Almost as bad as the second night home when Mr. E wiggled his way into our bed. It was awful, A and I were so tired. Then two nights ago he slept in TWO three hour increments! I had no idea how much I missed REM sleep! And last night he had a three and a half hour stretch. Progress. I can only hope it continues.

Depression:
Two nights ago a little liquid accidentally landed in the key board area of my beloved MacBook, Zac. Zac hasn’t worked since - when I hit the power button the machine turns on but the screen is black. I used A’s computer to see what others had to say when their MacBook had a drink and then blacked out. Seemed like the first step was to turn it off, remove the battery and let it sit open to dry for a few days. I turned it on this morning. Nothing. I’m holding out hope that my local Apple Store can fix it.

Cloth Diapering:
So far, so good. The switch has cleared up Mr. E’s diaper rash, and he’s so cute in CDs. We had planned to mostly use prefolds and just get a handful of diapers, but man, the prefolds are a pain in the ass. We’ll still use them, but I also ordered a whole bunch of Fuzz.iBuns. They should arrive today. I’ve also been busy sewing fleece inserts for the prefolds. I’m so glad we made the switch.

A and I didn’t plan on practicing attachment parenting. I am not sure that we had a ‘parenting plan’ and surely we’re still figuring it out, and will be for a long long time. However, Mr. E seems to come from the school of AP. It started when, on our second night home from the hospital, he insisted on sleeping in our bed. Most recently, he’s decided he wants to be worn ALL THE TIME! During the day he used to sleep in his bassinet in the living room, but recently he’s decided it’s much better to sleep on one of us in either the Baby Bjorn or Ergo carriers. I wear this baby all freaking day and night. And when he has a hard time sleeping in the bed, he sleeps on me. So once again, he’s calling the shots and we are, for all intents purposes, carrying out attachment parenting. It’s a good thing we’re flexible.

We are finally stable enough to carry out our cloth diapering plan. Mr. E has a bad diaper rash that we’ve been treating for the last week. I also hate touching the disposable diapers - they are just so scratchy - so we decided today was the day and went to our local children’s store and bought a bunch of prefolds, as well as a Fuzzi.Bunz and a Bum Ge.nius. We have six medium FBs, but we need small right now. I am sickeningly excited that we’ve start CDing, and really hope it works out for us. So far, Mr. E was not impressed when we put this on him, but he cries at every diaper change.

I can’t believe how much bigger my heart feels since having Mr. E. He seriously has created more love than I can handle at times.

I love love love when he sleeps on my chest. In the wee hours of the morning, this is often the only way to soothe him back to sleep. And we both sleep, peacefully, and it’s the most beautiful thing ever.

The love and support my family has shown us is overwhelming, and sometimes brings me to tears. My Dad in particular, who hasn’t always been the most touchy-feely kind of guy, has done some pretty amazing things for us and his love for Mr. E is so great.

I tear up every time I replay the moment in my head just after I birthed Mr. E, and A announced, boy. That moment is the highlight of my life.

It’s hard to believe: this guy is ours, he loves us so much already, being his mother feels completely natural.