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Life as a mom is pretty freaking amazing. Honestly, most days are great even when I am exhausted and sore from taking care of Mr. E 24/7. Most of my tears are tears of joy and intense love. For example, sometimes I’ll kiss his cheeks and the power of our bond shocks me so that I am brought to tears. But nothing is ever prefect and there are bound to be days that suck. I had one such day this week as sleep deprivation and a clingy baby got the best of me.
My best friend was visiting and I excitedly left Mr. E with her for most of the day on Tuesday while I got a massage and ran errands. He and I didn’t spend much time together and by bed time he was super clingy to me. He would only sleep on my chest. ALL NIGHT. Sleeping on my chest is usually reserved for my last ditch effort to get a few more zzzzs in the wee hours of the morning. He was up a lot. I did not sleep well. We were both cranky the next day, we both woke up crying. I remained weepy all day, until I had a full on break down when A got home from work and took the screaming boy from my arms. I spent several hours bawling in bed. My friends were still visiting at this point, but had gone into town for a little while. I stayed home because I was too tired and thought Mr. E and I needed some down time. When it turned into the above mentioned melt down, I felt pretty crappy that I was hold up in my bed while they were folding and putting away my laundry and doing the dishes. I have the best friends.
Now that I am almost two thirds through my maternity leave, I’ve begun to feel the stress of going back to work. And it’s enough to reduce me to tears and is producing far too much anxiety. I do not want to go back. Even if it’s only for ten weeks. Last night I told A for the one millionth time, I don’t want to go back to work. She asked, even after how bad yesterday was? You don’t think it would be nice to get a break from him? No, I don’t. The good days far out number the bad days. Mostly Mr. E and I have good days. The more I cue into his needs, the better. I am just starting to understand so much about him. And he’s just starting to show interest in me. He’s just too precious and I love him with all my might.
Most likely, I’ll have to go back. I find myself incredibly jealous of the stay at home moms in the mom group I attend. I can’t imagine how horrible I’d feel if I didn’t know that come June I’ll leave my job to stay home with Mr. E (I handed in my resignation effective 6/13, which is the end of my ‘contract’ aka the academic year). It’s the only thing that makes it almost bearable to go back. That and knowing A will be with him when I go back, and being able to bring him with me for some part of each day.
The last week has been jam packed and deserves a post or two, which may or may not happen next week. But the difference in Mr. E from week 6 to 7 was too major not to write a small post.
First, he is smiling and cooing at us! The cooing melts.my.heart. It’s so familiar, as if he’s been doing it all along, and yet it’s totally new. Second, one night this week he spent the first part of the night in the co-sleeper, as opposed to our bed. This was huge. And right now, as I type, he is up in the co-sleeper, sleeping all by himself! He’ll end up in our bed at some point tonight, but this is huge! Especially because he was not asleep when I put him down, nor did he cry. He simply dozed off to sleep. I can’t believe how much he’s changed in the last week!
Yesterday A and I celebrated our seven year anniversary (7 years!). Things have been kind of rough lately and A has been having a really hard time sleeping (add a newborn into the mix and, well, it’s not too fun for her). She’d been up most of the night, so I didn’t want to wake her, but I’d also planned to surprise her and take her out to one of our favorite breakfast places. Mr. E and I let her sleep in till about 9:45.
The three of us got ready and headed out for a fun day. We enjoy a delicious breakfast out. Afterwards we bought a new camera, because our not-very-old camera is dead. Mr. E enjoyed his lunch at the Library while A checked out a book. Then A and I sipped some coffee at a newish cafe before heading to see this week’s momma and baby movie at our local independent cinema (every Tuesday there is a matinée designated for moms to bring their babies). There were a couple of moms and babies from one of my groups. We enjoyed the movie and Mr. E did really well, thanks to the Er.go! It was fun to spend our anniversary with Mr. E, instead of dreaming of a baby.
I left A and Mr. E last night while I went out and had my hair chopped off! I’ve been wanting to shed my mane for awhile – since summer. But I’d been growing it for so long and many people seem to be attached to it, including my hairdresser, so I haven’t done it. But now with Mr. E here, I just don’t have the time to do much with it. And when it’s as long as it was, I at least needed to dry it. I feel so much better with it now, and my hairdresser was surprisingly in support of my decision!
Today we did a lot around the house. We’re leaving tomorrow for our first road trip with Mr. E. His bag is packed, ours are not. We’re excited to get away and for him to meet my extended family. Next weekend we’re hitting the road again to visit with A’s family. Mr. E better get used to the car!
Mr. E will be six weeks in two days. I can’t even talk about how fast that happened. But what this means is that he’s reaching his six week growth spurt. And that means he and I are connected at the boob. He’s cranky in the early morning. 3-6am is just hard for him. He can’t relax into deep sleep, so we’re often trying to help him back to sleep during this time. This morning I did a first. Laying down in bed, I put him on the boob, fully intending to leave it there for him to take it as he wanted, and I went back to sleep. Every now and again he’d get on it and then fall asleep, then take some more, and so on. Maybe I’ve started yet another bad habit. I don’t care and my new parenting motto is, whatever it takes. Boob man indeed:
A and I didn’t go out to dinner much even before Mr. E was born. Usually because we were trying to save money. Blah blah blah. So we don’t really miss it. How can you miss something you never had? But, we do tend to indulge over special occasions. Yesterday’s special occasion was A starting her one week vacation. I am so excited that she’s home with us for the next week. And we’re running low on food in the house. And it was clear neither one of us wanted to cook. So I asked her if she wanted to – gasp – go out for dinner?
We spent a good 20 minutes discussing how that might work with Mr. E in tow, and then another 10 minutes deciding on a restaurant we felt comfortable taking him (read: family friendly). By the time we were ready and convinced we could do this, we had just about hit the time he usually starts fussing. But we went ahead with the plan. Called ahead to the restaurant, fed him, and got out the door.
We had a slight wait once there, but he was sound asleep in his car-seat. We were seated and he slept. We enjoyed a glass of wine. And then we enjoyed our salads, and then our entrees! Near the end of dinner he began to stir so I popped him in a carrier and he dozed off.
We had a successful date, and I must admit, it was a little strange to have our son pulled up to the table with us! I guess this is life now. This morning we were talking about one of our favorite overnight get aways and A said to Mr. E, someday we’ll go there and leave you home. Then she looked at me and said, I don’t want to leave him home. And I said, well when he’s two or three, we’ll be ready. She retorted, TWO or THREE?! I guess we’re not quite on the same page about our our first nights away. We’ve got plenty of time to figure it out.
Is waking up at 8am, after only two nighttime feedings, with your little man, fast asleep and snuggled into the curve of your belly.
Mr. E had his one month check up this week. Our little man weighed in at 9lbs 11oz! How the hell did that happen?! He’s grown three inches and is thriving. Our pedi said he still looks a little yellow so we’re going back for another damn blood draw today. It’s very normal for breastfeed babies to remain Jaundice for up to six weeks, so I’m not too worried.
He’s really coming into babiness (I made that word up). He has somewhat of a schedule now. We can count on him fighting sleep in the evening. He gets so very over tired and then spends from 7-8pm fussing and falling in and out of sleep. By some miracle, he’s tired enough and ready to go to sleep by 8, which is when we all go to bed. The first leg of the night is usually our longest stretch of sleep – about three hours. Sometimes we get to sleep from 12-3am. Then 3-6am are rough for him. He’s in and out and making noises and his mamas don’t sleep so well. We’re up at 6am and then he usually falls back to sleep around 7 (we’re up just long enough so I can’t go back to sleep). I am currently reading this book…here’s hoping I can draw on it to get more sleep.
We talked to the pedi about giving him a formula bottle at midnight to try to get him to sleep longer; she was on board. We did it for two nights. And now we’re done. I need to feed him. I had to get up and pump at 4am today because I hadn’t feed him since 8pm, and I was in pain. I wasn’t entirely comfortable giving him formula, since we don’t need to, so now we’re going back to breastfeeding through the night and not really sleeping from 3am on. Fun times. But I’ve come to cherish the middle of the night snuggles we share as I comfort him back to sleep.
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My older nephew (almost three years) has come out with some funny things lately. The birth announcement we sent was of Mr. E, naked from the chest up. Sort of an artsy shot. When he saw it he expressed some concern to my mother that, “Mr. E doesn’t have a bum.” We talked on the phone and I assured him, his bum is still there. Today I got an email from my SIL, saying nephew told her, “I like that Mr. E, he is so funny!”
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A had a snow day and was home with us yesterday. It was so nice to have her home – nice to have a spontaneous day together and nice to share caring for Mr. E. It was a little preview into next week when she’s home all week! Glorious school vacation week!
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Today’s a full day of running errands and going to my mommy group. We are so close to having all our documents in order for the second parent adoption. Today I need to pick up our marriage certificate and Monday we’re getting his birth certificate and then our work is done. I hated filling out the paper work, the questions we had to answer, about our relationship and motivations for A to adopt Mr. E were, well insulting. But it’s done (and we’re just thankful she can adopt him). I am also going to pick up Zac’s remains today. What can be saved will be loaded onto A’s computer and we’ll go back to sharing. Our tax return is better spent servicing our car and collecting interest in our savings account.
The very nice lady at my A.pple Store called and it all started out nice and chipper. ‘We’ve had a chance to look at your computer and there is some corrosion. We can fix it.’ Just what I wanted to hear. And then she said, ‘unfortunately it will cost more than a new computer.’
The good news? They can retrieve everything on the machine. That is good news and I need to be thankful for this.
I’ll miss you Zac, you were my first Mac, and I loved you more than one person should love a computer.
For those that don’t know, O.prah’s show yesterday was about sperm donors, but she kept calling them ‘fathers’ or ’sperm donor dads.’ Viewers heard about the experiences of: donors who’ve been contacted by children born from their sperm, single moms who conceived via donor sperm, and children born from donor sperm. Two mom families were not even mentioned! Over all the parent perspective of why donor sperm was used was completely missing. It would also have been nice if at least one sperm bank had been represented. But now I may be asking too much for talk show television.
I really appreciated two of the three donor’s perspective on their role in the kids’ lives. They were open to being contacted yet wouldn’t push a relationship. One of those two went so far as to say, he’s not the kids’ father, he only has one child, the child he had with his wife. (This is how I hope Mr. E’s donor feels, when and if he looks him up.) At the same time, that donor appreciates the need that some donor babies have a need to connect with their donor to fill in the missing pieces. (Precisely the reason we opted for an ID release donor) The third donor proclaimed himself ‘dad’ and the family is very happy with how the relationship has developed. Different strokes for different folks, I’m glad it’s working for them.
The donor babies (adults now, of course) profiled ranged from those who’d been able to locate and meet their donor to those desperately wanting to meet their donor, but have no avenue to do so, and in my opinion, are understandably upset by this. Their experiences of learning they were donor babies also varied with respect to age and circumstances around finding out. One woman was close to 30 when her mother told her. The kids that have meet their donors – or in one case, not the donor, but a half biological sibling, seemed to be at peace with the process, while the others really struggled. They felt strong that they should have access to the donor. Can’t say I disagree, but that’s probably evident by our decision to use ID release sperm.
Also profiled were the mother son duo who created the Don.or Sib.ling Reg.istry. A and I had planned to register once Mr. E was born, and we did so after the show. No matches on there currently. Hopefully some day we will connect with other babies from our donor – we know from our sperm bank that at the time of his birth there were seven other boys and six girls born from the same sperm. We have more vials in storage, as other families may too, so this number could increase. (Sadly, our donor is sold out and not donating anymore, so we’ve only got five shots at a sibling with the same donor.) The power of connection really hit me while watching the show and I am more thankful than ever that we’ve already begun to establish a relationship with two of his half bio siblings.
I enjoyed the real life part of the show – how donor sperm has impacted the lives of those profiled, but it would have been a richer show had more perspectives been included.
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