Two days ago I was looking at a calender for 2008 and plotting out when I’d return to work if I delivered at 38, 40, or 42 weeks- which are all well within the range of what’s to be expected. Now granted when I go back to work I will then leave my job on June 15th when my “contract” is up and we move across the state. Once there, everything is a big question mark.
But back to me looking at the calender. I realized how sad I was at the thought of going back to work, even for 6 to 8 weeks. I’ve been telling myself – and everyone else that once we move I’ll mostly be a SAHM, while I work a very flexible and part time gig with my Dad. Child care will be provided by my SIL and/or my hours will be worked around A’s work schedule in effort to avoid day care. My Dad has gone so far as to say, just bring the baby to work. Which I would not do with regularity because I know I’d get nothing done.
Those feelings of sadness were eased by knowing that when I do return to finish the school year A will be home with the baby and that we know for certain that Moon will be home with one of us from birth till through August, at least. I am truly thankful for that. But for the first time I began to accept the reality that I have no idea if I’ll be able to stay home. I am cozily balled up in my fantasy of staying home while A works. But the truth is, we have no idea what our life and financial situation will be after we move. The unknow has let me carry out this dream of being a SAHM and I’ve begun to truly believe it will happen. I know we will do anything with in our power to make it happen, but that may not be enough.
I find myself incredibly jealous of women who can easily make the choice to stay home. By this I mean those who have the financial resources. The privilege. I remember telling my mom I waned to stay home (back before the plan to relocate, which does make staying home more attainable) and she knew that in our current situation we’d never make it after giving up half our income. And she kind of gave me the are you crazy look? Yet, she and my Dad still scoff at how my brother and SIL put their son in day care at 17 months since they didn’t need to.
If I get to stay home we’ll be living on a shoe string. But I’ll be with our baby. That is what we both want. We don’t have anything against day care, and do respect that each family makes a decision that is best for them. We think avoiding day care is best for us. This is a huge shift for me. When we first started ttc I never imagined I’d stay home, let alone want to stay home. The shift came after all the pain and effort it took for us to conceive. Through that process I began to want this baby more than I ever imagined possible.
Before conceiving my career path was my priority. And I am at cross road where if I want to strategically advance my career now is the time to make the next move. But our journey lead me to this desire to spend every possible moment with the baby. I do think the challenges we faced drives this shift. At the same time, our expanding family unit shifted our priorities to wanting to live in close proximity to family. In embracing this, I have essentially decided to put my career in the back seat (maybe even the third row). There are no where near as many opportunities for me where we are relocating to. Yet, I couldn’t be happier about providing our child with the opportunity to grow up with his or her cousins, aunt & uncle, grandparents, and many other extended family members.
We have no idea how this will all play out. I am holding on to the hope that I will stay home and we’ll just find a way to make it work, and I am working on accepting that my dreams of being a SAHM may not turn out just as I expect them to.
7 comments
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October 19, 2007 at 10:44 am
MELANIE
HON, TAKE IT FROM A MOM OF 4 GRANDMOTHER OF 3 STAY HOME AS LONG AS YOU CAN. YOU WILL MISS OUT ON SO MUCH LATER ON. THEN THERE WILL COME THE TIMES WIN THAY DONT THINK THEY WANT TO SHARE THERE
LIFE WITH YOU! YOU WILL BE HURT THEN THEY REALIZE THEY WERE WRONG
AND MOM WAS RIGHT! ENJOY THAT BABIE!
October 19, 2007 at 10:51 am
j. k-c.
I truly hope that your dream will come true and you can stay home with the baby…hopefully the family support will make it possible!!!
October 19, 2007 at 12:31 pm
Lori
Day care costs a lot… so do many work related expenses. My advice — Add up those expenses. Subtract them from your salary.
Now think of every way you could save money by staying home. There are a lot of ways. Cooking and freezing big meals. Less of certain fast foods, more of cheaper wholesome ones.
Giving up small luxuries — cutting the cable package, etc.
Now — whatever your skills are, consider how you can put those to work for you as a home business.
Many of us have been able to afford to stay home by taking on the WAHM title instead of the SAHM one. Hectic – uh yes! But we’re home.
Good luck!!!!
October 19, 2007 at 2:02 pm
Knittiak
This is a struggle of every mom I know. There is no such thing as a doubt free choice here. I’m a SAHM. I don’t regret that, but after 8 years I don’t know what I can offer an employer. I can’t even type without looking at the keyboard anymore! I have lots of education but now I’m so out of date! We were still debating if Global Warming could be real when I quit. The financial thing is tough too. Though with two kids it is pretty hard to make anything after covering daycare expenses. I do save a lot by not buying many prepackaged foods and doing playgroups where Moms trade leading activities instead of organized and expensive toddler classes. Plus we save gas and I have very low wardrobe expenses (please don’t laugh at my thrift store sweat pants…) And I no longer have interest in restaurants as keeping the kids contained and polite and with no spills is impossible and stressful.
You will just need to be flexible and see what works out.
October 19, 2007 at 5:26 pm
s. k-c.
Hey, E. I can understand the worry. I would have it, too. Scratch that. I DO have that, too. With our process, we may try to each work four day weeks, leavings us with needing 3 days of daycare rather than four, but I don’t know if we can do any better than that with our mortgage and outstanding debt from college. For me, I do feel sad that I don’t think that either of us can be a full time SAHM. My mother was fortunate enough to be able to do that, and I felt bad for the kids who were in daycare. But it’s also a different time now. The reality is that most families can’t have one partner without an income. As J has said, lots of families with fewer resources and supports are some how able to work it out all the time, and we are a strong team and will figure it all out. It may mean some difficult compromises and decisions along the way, but you and A are a smart, loving, wonderful couple, and you will figure out something that works best for your family… And it’s hard, but really ok, not to have it all figured out yet… xo
October 19, 2007 at 6:10 pm
amanda
i really hope it does work out for you to be home. That would be a dream! i always feel so bad for parents who have to go the day-care route so early (like, 6 weeks). i just can’t imagine.
By no means are we in a financial situation for one of us not to work, but fortunately T works for herself and can have a baby with her all the time. That’s our saving grace!
October 20, 2007 at 1:22 pm
kim
I was lucky enough to stay home for a full 4 months with the twins before going back to work. Financially, me staying home was not possible, especially with the health insurance costs. But, we ended up with a nanny and it’s truly been the saving grace. My children are at home, they nap in their beds, and they don’t have to wake up at the crack of dawn to get dragged to day care. And day care for twins is insane. Our nanny is cheaper, especially since she moved in.
It works for us. I don’t know if I could stay at home, even though I wanted (and still do) to stay home very badly. I just am not a “homemaker.” I’m a better mom because I have time with other adults and succeed outside the home as well as in it.
But what works for you and your family is what is important. Don’t let anyone judge you or tell you what you SHOULD do.