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I’m having a “this is one of our last (fill in the blank) with out a child moments.” Next year we’ll have a nine month old to dress up and celebrate! We’ll live near family and get to join in on the parties I only hear about now. I can’t wait!
I have felt so great for so long that I am having a hard time adjusting to what I feel now. Overall, my body is just tired. I move slowly, my back hurts, my clothes don’t fit, I am tired exhausted all the freaking time, I can’t concentrate at work, I am useless by lunch time, and I think the hormones have arrived. I am pretty sure they are setting up camp. They’re here to taunt me for the remaining 80 something days.
I know it’s going to get worse, and I am thankful that it’s been easy so far. I am thankful that we are having a baby, and I am thankful that the baby is healthy. But I am getting tired. And I am so over being pregnant. And I want my body back. I want to move with ease. I thought I would love being pregnant. I thought I would write down all the little changes (in a journal – not via my blog). I thought I would want to look back and remember all the little milestones. What was I thinking?
I love feeling Moonbeam move. It’s the most amazing thing I have experienced. Ever. And it’s the only thing I will miss about being pregnant. I’ve figured out how to push on the baby in a way that gets it active and then we play little games. It’s truly amazing. And it will be amazing when the baby is OUT OF ME!
Hopefully this will pass as several other rough patches have passed. And hopefully those hormones are just visiting and haven’t move in.
Sadness is when the last pair of pants that you: like, think look good on you, and fit you, suddenly become too tight around your belly. If you are me, you will stubbornly continue to wear them until they are truly uncomfortable and you can no longer deal with the tightness. This is the last pair of the hand-me-downs that don’t come all the way up over my belly…and I’ve come to realize I hate the maternity pants that come all the way up- they are so uncomfortable. I see a shopping trip in my future… I guess the flip side is that Moon is growing to become a healthy little baby and each day of increased waist line moves us a day closer to meeting the baby.
We’ve begun the at-times-overwhelming task of beginning to clean out and downsize our lives. It’s true that you grow to fill the space you live in and we currently live in a two story, four bedroom apartment. It’s huge. Any place we move to will not be this big. So we’re trying to clean up and throw out / donate whatever we can now, before Moonbeam arrives as it will nearly impossible after.
We’ve committed to spending some amount of time every Sunday until the project is complete. Last weekend it started with sorting through clothing. We filled three bags to donate and A still has more clothing to sort through. This weekend we purged our storage closet and hauled many bags of trash to the dumpster (many of the items being things we’ve moved from place to place – new rule is if we haven’t used it since the last move then it goes).
We’ve got a handful of items and some furniture to post on Crai.gs Li.st and all our camping gear is pulled out and ready to be packed in the car for me to take to my parent’s house next weekend. Not only are we purging but we’re also trying to slowly move to my parents anything we know we won’t use between now and the move so as to make the move as easy as possible with a five month old. Camping gear is the first to go… We have a ways to go till we’ve cleared out and downsized but it feels really good to start the process and know that much of the work will be done before the big move.
I don’t know what’s with the one word titles these days. As I’ve begun writing this post out in my head and working it out through conversations, ready is the best way to describe how I feel about bringing this baby into our world.
I am not nervous about how the baby will change everything. I am ready to become a mother. For as long as I can remember, that is what I wanted more than anything else. I wanted to wait till around 30 to become a mom, but I knew I wanted it. When I think about the changes and the struggles we’ll got through as we grow with our baby, I know it will only deepen mine and A’s relationship with each other as well as our relationships to family. We are a solid team. We’ve been working things out and loving each other for nearly seven years. We know each others strengths and weaknesses and we support each other as we succeed and struggle.
I know having a baby is not glamorous. Believe me, I’ve been around our nephews (and other babies) enough to know this. We’re lucky to have a family where everyone helps out. Knowing we’ll be able to tap into family help puts me at ease. I was more than excited to help my SIL after Nephew #1 was born. We spent four weeks at my parents house together that summer. During that time we shared care. The hardest part was night duty and I won’t lie, getting up to feed him and being sleep deprived was not my favorite part (and I realize it will be a whole different game with our own child). But the hard parts are all part of the package. And I want the package. I want the package more than I’ve ever wanted anything. I have a support system that will balance the baby’s needs / my needs / mine and A’s needs. By saying I am ready, I am not saying it will be easy. Rather that I want it and I am prepared for the challenges and the joys.
I do anticipate days of sheer frustration, alienation, sadness, fatigue. I’d be a fool to think our baby will be different from any other baby with respect to how they can run a mom down. And as the (hopeful) milk mom, sahm, I will naturally experience the baby different from A. Not better, just different. But that does not mean her experience will be any less meaningful, or her contributions to our family any less valued. Just after the baby is born, I think I’ll have it easy compared to her. I’ll be on maternity leave (home and cozy with the baby with no responsibility other than to care and love the babe) and she’ll be adjusting to the new baby while student teaching and finishing grad school. This will be our ultimate test in balancing each others needs. It’s going to be hard. And it’s going to be possible. And in the end, as my uncle used to say, we’ll have our neat little package. And we’ll be so in love.
My most dreaded work night of the year is over. It’s done. And the best part of it being done this year? I WON’T BE HERE NEXT YEAR! This was my last time working this event. The rain that fell tonight literally put a damper on the whole thing so it was not as out of control as past years. I knew I was old when the forecasted rain was reason to rejoice as I knew it would make my job so much easier! And now…I am off to bed…I go off-call at 6am, four short hours, I hope I don’t get paged…
We had a midwife appointment this morning. She did the usual check in and I’ve decided this particular midwife is not my favorite – I feel very rushed by her and I think she’s kind of flighty. She asked us lots of questions about our doula and it almost seemed like she was threatened by her. I think the thing that annoys me most about this midwife is that she seems to think that listening to the heartbeat is just a formality. And for her it may be, but it’s the best part of the appointment for us and we really enjoy the moments we hear it. The other MWs usually keep the doppler on for a little while or at least feed in to our excitement. Not this one – she gets it and almost immediately removes the doppler.
Overall everything looked good today. The MW confirmed that Moon has flipped and is head down. Let’s just hope the baby stays that way. I am up a total of 14 pounds and measuring right on target. The heartbeat was strong and Moon was all over the place because I drank the Glucose at the start of the appointment (that stuff is so gross, btw). My blood pressure was good. I had my blood drawn to check for GD, iron (failed last time), and a couple other things they do at this point. I really hope I pass the GD test. I can’t even think about giving up ice cream…
We’re moving to every other week appointments (except not really because the soonest they could schedule me was three weeks from today). Our next appointment is with My Midwife which makes me really happy. After the appointment we attempted to do our name change paperwork at the Social Security Office but the line was way too long. We decided we’ll just mail everything in instead.
I am off most of the day today but have to go in tonight and then work till 2am. It’s the worst night of my job – a huge campus party. I am not looking forward to it, but I will get through it. I am looking forward to buying a crib mattress tomorrow after which we will finally get Moon’s room put together, for real.
Today marks 27 weeks and the start of the third trimester according the website I’ve been going by. Where has the time gone? We’re busy getting things checked off the to do list and I am starting to push myself to become a little more prepared for childbirth (aka read all the books I’ve been ignoring). I’ve found meeting with our doula helps to center me and guide me as I start the real work of empowering myself for childbirth through education . We’ve also continued other, more fun, getting ready for birth activities, like assembling the crib we’re borrowed from A’s co-worker. We decided to wait until after our move to buy one since she offered to lend us hers and this way we’ll have one less thing to move. I am slowing down and run out of energy much quicker than before. But over all I feel great and am sleeping well. I treasure these moments as I know, things will get harder as the weeks pass, for now I can deal with tired. And now, here is my 27 week belly shot:
p.s. Glucose test is tomorrow…wish me luck!
For more than two years I have come here to spill my guts about ttc and now pregnancy. The early days where filled with other bloggers giving me tips and support as we started this journey and then as things got emotionally rough, you all cheered me on. BFN after BFN, you all were the ones that would give me a good deal of what it took to keep on going. Your support and education have benefited us in more ways than I can begin to explain and I know the journey would have been far more difficult (and lonely) if it where not for you, the on-line community of support that I have come to depend on.
We’re all extremely free with our words of support through comments, emails, and phone calls. We pull together and send support when it’s needed. And today one of our friends needs more than our kind words. She needs us to pony up some money, now, in order to save her already in progress IVF cycle. I am just one in a long line of bloggers to put a call out for everyone to donate what ever you can – no matter how much or little. You can visit any number of links to learn Cali’s story. But be sure to visit this link and show her your love.
Today I am home from work for what I am calling a physical health day. You’ve heard of mental health days? Well today I am home taking care of my pregnant self because I stupidly over did it yesterday. I don’t regret our decision to travel into NYC for the day to catch up with and meet so many of our fellow blog buddies, but if I had it to do again, I would do it differently. Pre-pregnancy I was a go go go go go go type of person. I could push and push and do ridiculous things (like spend 11 hours in a car in one day). You could also call this stubbornness. But now that I am growing a human and have physical needs, not to mention nutritional needs, I just can’t keep that pace. And when I try to keep my old pace, I end up as I was this morning, feeling hung over and run over by a truck, and certainly not capable of going to work and being productive. So I emailed in sick.
We did have a really great time in the City yesterday. We also learned it’s not a day trip. This was only my third time ever to NYC! I’ve never been a big fan of cities – they are too big and overwhelming to me. Yesterday it was really nice to be in the company of so many folks who knew their way around, which made the whole experience so much easier and fun.
We’ve meet several of our blog friends in the past, but I’ve never met so many at once or gathered with that many at once. It was so wonderful to sit and talk in person to people I’ve been talking to on-line for two plus year and to meet some new folks (my bloglines has already been updated…). It was so comfortable and I felt like I already knew these people and yet, in most cases, it was only our first meeting. I wish we had been able to spend more time together. The suggestion that we rent out a floor at a hotel for the weekend next year was genius…(not sure who to credit here) but I second the motion.
On to other ramblings about my life (sometimes I am amazed people read my blog). You’ve read me bitch a lot lately about people always leaving this area for greener pastures and most recently about how we too will jump on that band wagon. Well today another good friend bites the dust. He’ll be moved out of here in two to three weeks. He’s moving on to a truly amazing opportunity that would never present itself here and that will position he and his wife to move forward in creating their family. But he is probably my closet friend here, and just another in a long line of close friends to leave. I am sad he won’t be around for Moon’s arrival. And sad in general that he’ll be gone. I am so happy for him though.
Now I am off to try to be semi productive since I am at home and there are lots of house hold things I could be doing…
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