The background- I left a message for my mother today asking if she thought it would be okay for me to ask one of our family friends (her best friend) to be our second personal reference for adoption. I had no idea if this person even knows we’re trying and I wanted to get an idea of where I needed to start before calling her.
My mom calls me back.
Mom: Hey, sure it’s fine for you to use H. as a reference I’m sure she’d love it. And yes, she knows you’re trying. You can also use M&E….
Me: We only need two and so far I’ve ask M&P, H. will be the second.
Mom: So you’re going ahead with adoption? Are you still trying?
Me: Yes. We’re going to do both and see what works first.
Mom: I think that’s great! You should absolutely do both. We’re all rooting for you here.
I wonder who ‘we all’ are.
Me: Well that’s the plan.
Mom: So how are you doing the adoption? Is it an agency?
Annoyed because I know I’ve already told her,
Me: We’re using the Massachusetts Adoption Resource Exchange, the kids have been in foster care and are legally free for adoption, or close to it.
Mom: Be careful…
Interrupt to inform her,
Me: This is our only adoption option, we simply don’t have tens of thousands of dollars to do private adoption. It’s not an option.
She attempts one more round of knocking this method and I demand this is the only way we can do it. She shuts up and I want to remind her that before I mentioned it was through the State, she was very supportive.
I hate to bitch about my mother because I do love her and she has supported us in so many ways through this journey, but I don’t care to hear her opinions about State adoptions. She is a therapist and knows a lot of shit first hand and I am sure that’s where her concerns are coming from, but I simply can not engage in that conversation with her, not yet.
4 comments
Comments feed for this article
April 12, 2007 at 4:40 am
Co
That is annoying, even if she’s just trying to be protective of you. And you can vent even when you know someone means well.
First of all, you and A. are smart women and I have no doubt that you’ve considered that if you adopt through MARE, you may face certain challenges and may need to help your child(ren) work through certain issues or feelings.
Not to mention, you need to take a class before you can adopt a child, right? Our friends took a class like that before they became foster parents. During the class, they got some information on what they might expect from foster kids and ways they could possibly deal with specific issues that might arise (I think). They also were able to join foster parent support groups and got advice from other foster parents. (Incidentally, our friends’ support group mostly helped them vent and problem solve about dealing with Social Services case workers, who were much more frustrating to them than the children ever were.)
Good luck.
April 12, 2007 at 5:28 am
Jude
Next time your mom gets “concerned,” simply tell her that you would be GLAD to pay a hoity-toity private adoption agency… as soon as she sends you the money.
April 12, 2007 at 5:43 am
Blondie
I know exactly where you’re coming from. At least around here, the opinion is that the only kids available for adoption thru the state are the “bad” kids. The ones that are so awful, no one wants them.
It’s not always true. In fact, more often than not, it isn’t true.
BTW, you should read “Another Place At The Table”. Very good book about fostercare and adoption, and I believe the woman who wrote it is from Mass.
April 12, 2007 at 7:07 am
Sara
Sorry you had that conversation. Thinking of you.