You’d think I’d be used to the ‘day you know you’re not pregnant’ feelings by now. Each month it’s like a new wound, reopened, complete with emotional pain. Each time it feels like the first time. It never gets any easier, if anything it gets harder. And, each time, my determination to win kicks in. After crying for a little while, and feeling like the biggest loser for even longer, and grumbling about how much money this costs us, and watching our house down payment fund shrink more and more, I come back with a renewed hope that NEXT time it will work. A. asked me yesterday, how I keep going? Honestly, I’ve put too much effort into this to walk away now. If I lose this battle, I’m going down fighting, knowing I did everything I could to win.
Sometimes A. takes issue that I put my feelings out on the internet before telling her (what can I say, I am introvert…). After reading my post she asked what I thought about her trying. This has been widely discussed, just not in recent months. Honestly when it has been discussed recently, I was not getting the message that she wants to try. Her being in grad school further complicates the issue. So whether or not she will try and when still remains to be seen, but should be added to plan #6,201.
I have lots of feelings about A. trying. Most of them are tangled in a web, and I could not begin to get at them when she asked me how I feel about it. It really is better left tangled. But, what I did realize, for the first time, I am not (as) sad about not being the bio mom, not being pregnant, as I have been in the past. I would rather her have our baby than adopt a baby. There I said it. I still want us to have a somewhat bio child. And if it means A. has it, then so be it. Three months ago I was not in this place. The idea of giving up pregnancy made me really sad. All the adoption talk has changed a lot. I’ve danced with the idea of raising a child that we have no connection to. I’ve done a lot of work to get to a place of moving forward with the process (and we still are) and it is totally still a viable option, but we are a two uteri home, and how can we let one go unused? Some folks can, but I hope we don’t.
8 comments
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March 19, 2007 at 8:31 am
A
um, forget sharing feelings before telling me – you CHANGED YOUR BLOG TITLE? This is huge…
March 19, 2007 at 8:35 am
e.
yeah…took you long enough to notice! i’m getting superstitious using two moms *could* be part of the problem…you know like buying things before getting pregnant and stuff (of course if this is true — we’re fucked with all the stuff my mother has already bought)!
Plus, we’re not two moms, we’re two wannabes!
March 19, 2007 at 8:57 am
vee
Glad it wasn’t just me losing it! – I thought I’d subscribed to a new blog feed without even knowing! Get you about the karma thing. I can’t even bring myself to read past the insemination chapters in any of the 5 lesbian families books I bought almost 2 years ago. If I ever do manage to get pregnant, I’m going to have my work cut out for me to catch up!
I can relate to what you are saying about having gone too far to give up – kind of like not wanting to leave the bus stop after having waited half an hour, cos the minute you do, you know one will come round the corner. Only MUCH worse and harder, of course (I feel my analogy skills are failing me here!!) For me, part of not wanting to switch uteri is tied up with this and, like you, I’m not going to start trying to unravel that one unless I have to, though it’s interesting to read that your feelings are softening here – it gives me hope that I’ll be able to let go if I have to.
March 19, 2007 at 10:11 am
Homestead Mom
Hi, there. Found your blog via LesbianFamily.org, and enjoy it.
I hope this isnt’ too much of a barge, but I wanted to pipe up about not being the bio-mom. I have ALWAYS wanted to birth a child. Felt like it was one of my missions in life, to be a little goofy. My partner is older by 4 years, so when we started TTC I generously let her ‘go first’. It took her (us) 4 years, many IUI’s, then medication, then a couple small sugeries, then 3 IVFs (and just under $10k in sperm.) None of this was in our game plan originally. She gave birth last Oct. After spending a few weeks with our daughter, I figured out that for me, it actually wouldn’t be the soul-sucking, chronic pain experience that I had imagined it would be if I didn’t birth a kid. Yes, I’d grieve the loss of experience, but not the loss of child. It helped that my partner was willing to share breastfeeding etc w/ me, if I wanted. (It is poss in easy and difficult ways.) My own TTC road has been a little rocky, but I’m expecting now too.
I definitely empathize with what you blog about. It is a horrible journey. You are really doing a good job in branching out w/ options when you need to, though.
I’ll sign off w/ my blog website, but it does have baby & pg mentions all over it, so skip it if this is the wrong time or it is too much. It used to depend on the day for me whether I could deal w/ that kind of thing.
Best wishes,
Nora
March 19, 2007 at 2:08 pm
maeby
ah geez. i’m so sorry to hear that, once again, disappointment sinks in & the red bitch tightens her bloody grasp. big hugs as you continue to navigate this emotional rollercoaster.
March 19, 2007 at 3:00 pm
Co
It’s nice to hear that you feel like you could get used to the idea of A. carrying. I got so burned out and frustrated a few months ago that I really wanted to hand over the reins to Lo. Really. A lot.
But when I think about it, I will be sad if I do. I’ve worked hard for this. I want a pregnancy. If we need to switch to Lo, and she conceives, I will be happy. And I will totally fall in love with that baby. But I think sometimes that if we had to do that and she got pg, I’d be jealous, just because I never got the chance to be pg myself.
If you really want a bio child–be it yours or A’s– then I am glad you are going for it.
And it’s always good to have a Plan B…er…6,201.
March 19, 2007 at 3:55 pm
manda
This sounds so much like what we’re going through right now, right down to the grad-school uterus. i’m glad to hear that you are not giving up yet though, and know that you’ll know it in your heart when it’s time to hand over the reigns.
You could always do what our KD suggested–both try on alternating months because “sooner or later SOMEONE’S bound to get pregnant”. i thought that was cute.
March 23, 2007 at 8:26 am
Jude
I just wanted to let you know that I’m thinking of you. Good luck with whatever you decide.
xo