Surrendring to a two year old

In the months that led up to Mr. E’s second birthday he became increasing challenging- nothing out of the norm, it was all very much developmentally appropriate and I would have been worried if he wasn’t testing us, after all it’s his job.

As a stay at home mom, I needed to find some coping skills fast.  I felt frustrated with how much time we spent struggling and fantasized about going back to work. It took me a while to figure out I needed to reconsider how I related to him, to question why I responded as I did, and reconsider my reactions to his behavior.

The more I listened to him, and his seemingly absurd tantrums, the less we struggled.  Literally getting down on his level, eye to eye, helped to even the power struggles.  Repeating back the feelings he expressed helped him to see I was in tune with what he was experiencing, and letting him occasionally win deepened his trust in me.

We still have our moments and there are plenty of things that are non-negotiable, but over all my new approach has resulted in fewer tantrum on his part and far less frustration on mine.  I say “no” less often, and try to work a way to accommodate his wishes.  For example, the other day his toy dinosaur wanted to drink from my water glass.  Not wanting to go down that road, I asked if the dinosaur might prefer his own bowl of water, to which Mr. E excited exclaimed YES!  It was an easy solution providing a yes instead of a no, which would have resulted in a struggle, me moving my drink and not being able to drink from it, and him crying.  Some days I feel like I get the parenting game, and it feels damn good!

Preschool

Mr. E will miss the cut off to enter preschool in the fall by one month!  I have mixed feelings about it.  Part of me is not ready for him to go, but as I see him grow and learn through the groups we attend, I am almost certain that he’d thrive if he were able to go in September.

The school we are looking at is in our town, a private alternative school, offering preschool- 5th grade.  They are a bit alternative in their approach to education and they  and heavy on teaching sustainable living. The buildings are green, recycling and composting are incorporated daily, and there’s even a greenhouse! They also collect more green from the parents than the surrounding preschools.

Overall we know this is the best school for Mr. E and our values.  We also know other two mom families who’ve been very happy with the school and their acceptance and inclusion of their families.  Unlike the other schools they offer a January admittance, which would allow Mr. E to start just as he turns three instead of having to wait until September when he’s 3.8.

I am not sure how we are at the point where we’re already thinking about preschool.  Time really does fly.  I love this school so much, that I am already dreaming of sending him there for elementary school.  I should start playing the lottery.

Why my son won’t be attending his sister’s birth

I’ve always been intrigued by the idea of having your child attend your birth.  I’ve read accounts of children Mr. E’s age who’ve done just this.  I’ve never considered it for us though because honestly, I believe it would make me attend to him in ways I simple can’t during labor and thus adversely effect my progress (knowing my son, he would not just let me labor, he’d need to be on top of me through the whole thing).  Nonetheless, I still pondered the idea.

Today confirmed that this would not work for us.  Mr. E had a breakdown, complete with tears, when my midwife took my blood pressure!  We managed to calm him down and explained it did not hurt me.  Next was listening to the baby’s heart, which A wanted to hear, we did our best to keep him relaxed so they did not have to leave.  He protested a little, but was caught in awe when he heard the heart and we told him, that’s the baby. Still unsure, he asked me to “close my shirt” which means pull it back down.  And so the heart listening was over.

Any thoughts I ever had of him attending have when squashed.

Five and a half months; 22 weeks

I compose so many posts in my head.  In the space between showering and laundry, wiping runny noses and cooking, between brushing my teeth and laying my head to rest at night.  There is so much I want to write.  But for some reason, the thought of logging in here and putting fingers to keys seems like too much work.

At twenty-two weeks I am feeling a bit down.  Somewhere around 20 weeks the morning sickness subsided.  Still sometimes I over do it and get knocked down.  I almost got a pregnancy pick me up last week when I start to feel movement.  With an anterior placenta, I have waited longer this time to feel anything.  And even now it’s rare.

Mostly, though, bringing this baby into the world is so preoccupied with the daily care of a two year old, that we often forget that she’s coming in 3 and a half months.  I have yet to take a belly shot, buy anything, or even start to look through what we’ve already got.  We’re blessed, of course to have another baby.  But last time around, well it was just so very different and exciting.  And I feel we’re already treating this one as “the second child.”  I am the second child in my family, I know how crummy it is not to have a baby book, far fewer photographs, and so on.  I swore I wouldn’t be that parent.

With three and a half months, we have yet to decide if we’ll hire a doula this time.  I’ve sort of got one that I’ve verbally asked, but we’re trying to decide if we need her.  My midwife will be with us for the entire labor and will offer labor support.  And has assured me she supports my birth plans.  Paying extra is not really in our budget.  Yet, my doula was my savior last time.  I am certain I would have ended up with a very different birth, full of interventions I did not want, had I not had a doula.

My little Mr. E gets that there’s a baby sister in my belly and that she will some day come out just like he did.  We’ve shown him pictures while pregnant with him and also the pictures of his birth.  He will gently touch my belly, and say “hi sister.”  This is all very new, as just a couple of weeks ago talk of the impending baby brought silence or tears.  He talks about how the baby will have Mommy’s milk, just like he did.  Another huge milestone!

He has no idea how his world is about to crumble around him, and I have no idea how to really prepare him, and I feel pretty rotten about the whole thing. He is, he will always be, very needy, I’ve decided.  He’s gained lots of independence in recent months, but sharing his Mommy and Mama, is still not something that comes easy.

I know our challenge is not new.  I know we’ll all come out on the other side, and we’ll have an amazing family, but in these days of pregnancy, these last months of having one child receiving my undivided attention, it’s hard to imagine how we’ll all change.  And truthfully, I am not just worried about him; I am terrified to be a stay at home mother to two children.  One seems like a piece of cake when I think about adding another.

I’ve got so much more swirling in my head, most of which I don’t want to write about, I am hoping it’s pregnancy hormones and once my body returns to normal, my thoughts will too.

We found out something…

When pregnant the first time we wanted the sex of our baby to be a surprise and we waited till birth. It was truly amazing to have that experience.

This time, I assumed we’d do the same. Both times, A wanted to find out. She convinced me that we should find out and I decided a little mid-pregnancy pick-me-up was in order since I am still sick! Also, I was having a hard time bonding with this baby given that I run after a toddler all day. And the constant sickness has made me pretty miserable and hating being pregnant.

So we had out anatomy scan two days ago and we are having……. a GIRL!

We are so thrilled! We almost didn’t get to find out because her legs were crossed and she was not budging, but on the tech’s last attempt she opened them and we all saw it at once. I knew what to look for and as I saw the three lines she excitedly exclaimed “it’s a girl!”  It’s a moment I’ll never forget!

Going through the motions

The Christmas cheer began early this year.  Our tree was up two weekend before Thanksgiving and the decorations went up the following weekend.  Our calendar was marked with all the local Holiday celebrations – a different Santa event every weekend.

Then the evening of December 3rd happened.  The night the police showed up at our door to relay the devastating news that my Uncle had suddenly passed away.  The two weeks that followed included a trip to the West Coast for a memorial service where he’d lived for the better part of his life.  Aside from the sad nature of the trip, it proved to be the trip from hell on all accounts, the low-light being the day Mr. E and I both landed in the ER.

Upon returning home we prepared for the East Coast memorial, which took place last Friday, a full two weeks after the nightmare began.

December 21, 2009 – the day my Uncle was scheduled to fly East to spend Christmas and New Years with us, as he has done many times.  Having that day arrive without him weighed heavy on me.  We went ahead with our Solstice celebration and it was lovely, but I couldn’t help remember that he was here last year as we prepared for Solstice.  And we were having so much fun.  Two weeks of silliness, wine, and laughter.

Christmas is just around the corner, and I am not excited.  I know the day will be mostly fun, and I am excited to give Mr. E his big Christmas gift, but I know flashbacks of last Christmas will appear.  And then we’ll have New Years to get through.  Last year was one of the best New Years I’d had in a long time.  It was at home, and quite, but surrounded by family and good food.  You see, when my Uncle was around, everything was just that much more special.  More fun.

And so we move on. Each day getting up, and living for the kids, and focusing on making the season magical for them, but if I could I’d fast forward right to Mr. E’s birthday.

Life

Last Thursday I was attending a meeting and left my phone in my car. I returned to a very frantic message from A. I knew it wasn’t good and was left only one doubt: Who died?

My uncle who has had some health issues lately, but seemed to be on the mend passed away unexpectedly in his home, by himself. A friend found him the next day when he went to pick him up for a post op appointment.

My mother was listed as next of kin, so the police knocked on our door at 5:45 to deliver the news to A, who was home alone with Mr. E. She proceeded to call all of our immediately family and no one was near their phone.

It’s been a very tough few days. Things are coming together for a memorial service in Washington state as well as here on the Cape. At my mother’s suggesting Mr. E and I are flying out with my parents to attend the service and help with all the details of sorting through my uncle’s stuff.

On Saturday Mr. E started vomiting, but was acting normal otherwise and had no fever. I had to make the decision to go or stay. I opted to go, tickets were purchased to fly on Tuesday. He has not stopped throwing up since. I thought he was better this morning and I took him the pediatricians to get the okay to fly, which she gave him. She also said I could give him toast and bananas. He threw up as soon as he ate.

Even better, I started throwing up. I am still unable to tell if it’s his bug or just the pregnancy. I still have nausea every day, and am sensitive to smalls. His vomit and diarrhea tend to induce my vomiting. I guess time will tell if we’ll be on that plane tomorrow.

Sleep

The ever elusive thing that all parents of small children are seeking.

Sleep has slowly become more plentiful in our house since I became pregnant and night weaned Mr. E (20 months). At the same time we moved him to his room and pretty much ended the co-sleeping. I was ready and he took to it pretty well.

We’d go through stretches of him sleeping through the night and then waking once a night. One of us would have to go to him and rock him back to sleep. At first he’d let us put him down asleep. But then, he suddenly started to sense we were putting him down and he’d wake up crying, and then need to fuss back to sleep, all after we’d just spent half an hour in the middle of the night comforting him.

It got really annoying exhausting. So about a week ago, as A put him to bed, as she does every night, I told him that if he woke in the night, no one was going to come in and get him. He of course woke. He whined for less than ten minutes and we did not hear from him till 7am. Next night, the whining lasted about two minutes, and the next he slept through and last night, I heard one lone cry; I imagine that was how long it took him to find lovey and binky.

I do not support crying it out, but whining it out, well sometimes I think that is an important part of self soothing, and in our case, it has made it so that our son can sleep all night long, by himself, which has just become a necessity.

Now, the only snag in our plan…he is sleeping in his pack n play. He refuses to sleep in his crib. I have no idea why. We’re going to work on getting him into the crib after the holiday guests (occupying his room) leave.

I hope it’s true what they say, you never get two of the same…so this next baby will be one of those who STTN at 6 weeks, right? I don’t think I can do this for another two years!

Hello Second Trimester

Somehow you snuck up on us.

Things are moving. Fast. In the last week my All Day Sickness has begun to taper, but I still have my days.  I am still exhausted but when I nap I seem to wake up more sick so I am trying not to nap and just go to bed early.  I still have a lot of food aversions, but have begun to expand my meal options, which is a good indicator that I am coming out on the other side!

There have been times during the last seven weeks of illness when I’ve seriously questioned what we were thinking.  It is so hard to be pregnant.  I hate it and it’s so much harder with a (very clingy) toddler.  I know for sure I never want to do this again. I’ve sort of always wanted three kids, but pregnancy is not my gig, and two is where my blessing will end.  (Of course, this is unless A chooses to get pregnant…)

And, pathetically, that’s really all I’ve got, ’cause I’m tired and need to go to bed.

All good things must come to an end

I supposed it didn’t just happen.  There were signs leading up to the end.  A gradual break.

A few weeks ago A and I were talking to Mr. E about how when the baby comes it will have milk from Mommy. In a very sad voice he said “I do too.”  Fast forward to this week and my boy seems to have self weaned. He’s a little more than 21 and half months and he has gone more than 48 hours without asking for milk.

Long ago I stopped offering, but continued to give as asked. Looking back, it was when I night weaned him that my supply tanked and since he was nursing more over night than during the day, it makes sense that he’d start to lose interest all together.

I am completely at peace with what seems to be Mr. E’s end of nursing.  My plan was always to let him self wean, even though there were times I doubted he’d ever do it.  Even still I am in a bit of shock that he seems to be doing it, and think any day now he’ll ask for milk.

As he weaned he started asking to snuggle a lot.  Through out the day he comes to me, lovey in hand, and says “snuggle.”  He’s been very directive with me as to just how we will snuggle. He places lovey on my left shoulder and he lays his head on it.  He often asks to snuggle “in the green chair” which is where he used to ask to nurse.  Witnessing this transition, and seeing him decide he is done, and yet carrying over some comfort has been remarkable for me.

I have been ready to end our nursing relationship for some time, but believed in letting him lead the way.  I was committed to nursing through pregnancy if that’s what he wanted.  My only regret is that I will not be nursing him through the flu season but if I am being honest, I am SO thankful to have my breasts back for a while before this next baby lays claim.  However, experiencing his transformation was more than worth my previous desire to be done.