Two Moms Are Better Than One

My cousin and her partner are PREGNANT!

Tomorrow Mr. E and I will travel back to Western MA to attend graduation at the college I used to work at. I left tire marks on my outta there, but, that does not mean that there aren’t students who I adore and want to see as they achieve their goal. I attended every graduation while I worked there, but this year is different. This year the class I started with is graduating. The “kids” I welcomed on the day they moved in, the kids whose parents and grandparents left their kids, while saying tearful goodbyes four years ago, will walk across the stage and claim their degrees. It almost makes me miss working in my field, but I am far (very far) from being ready to return in any capacity. But I digress.

It took me two hours to pack for Mr. E and I and we’re only going for one night. I did manage to get all our stuff into just one suitcase. I am hoping to be on the road by 9am, or as soon as he is ready for his morning nap - the idea being that he’ll sleep the whole way. He’s getting better in the car, but still isn’t a huge fan. We have some errands to run at BRU, oh how I miss the convenience! I need to stock up on Mam pacifiers (one of the few that are plastic-safe and no where to be found on the Sand Bar), teething rings (again in search of some not made in China), and cotton swaddle blankets for the summer. Simple things really, but not available here. I also have a Crai.gs List find to pick up (clearly I have an issue because I checked the WMass CL knowing I was going there- our CL leaves much to be desired). I am hoping to get to the school in time to see one of my favorite students final presentation. And then just bounce from office to office hanging out with old friends. If there’s time I’ll hit Target, just for the hell of it. I missssssssssss Target.

I am excited to go back and see folks and graduation always makes me emotional. I am also a little apprehensive about going alone. A is not coming with me so I will have sole Mr. E duty, which is exhausting. I wanted to leave him home but did not have the time to pump enough milk in advance. And my former co-workers would have KILLED me. We’ll see how it goes.

May 15, 2007

May 15, 2008

Bear with me here, this is going to be all over the place.

Last mother’s day I was just days away from getting our BFP. And I was convinced it hadn’t worked. I tried as hard as I could not to let it show when I called to wish my mother a happy mother’s day, but in the end that called ended in me sobbing and her telling me, it will work. some day. you’ll be a mother. I had a hard time carrying that faith, so I let her carry it for me.

Today we went to church and it had already been kind of an emotional day. It’s a happy day for us. But it’s also a day when I remember the women who are gone. My grandmothers. And I think of A’s mom and how she’s on the front lines of her cancer battle. And I think of my cousin, who is nearing the end of her 7th TWW (and I’m praying it turns into a 9 month wait). And I am thinking about all of my blog friends yearning to become mothers. Some who started before us, other who started after. And I think of all the women I don’t know who are struggling with infertility. I think of the couple who live at the end of our street, a street that is home to 18 kids. They are both infertile.

I want to overflow with happiness today, but it’s hard when I know how much pain exists around mothering. I was comforted when the minister wished a happy mother’s day in all forms, including to those yearning to become mothers, those missing mothers and so on.

I wasn’t going to post today or about mother’s day, because I really don’t want to rub salt into my blog friends’ wounds who carry pain around TTC. But as the day passed, I realized I wanted to write. I wanted to express my support for those in pain or frustrated with TTC. Even though we were blessed with Mr. E, and we’ve moved into a whole new world of mothering, I still pray for each and everyone one of you to get your BFPs and I get frustrated with “oops we’re pregnant” stories and I get mad when others can do it so easily when I know so many of you who have tried so hard. for so long.

Gwyneth Bean is six and a half years old. She’s always been a little feisty and we always thought she’d make a kick ass outdoor cat. My family had lost too many cats to cars and thus at some point decided to keep them in. And A and I never lived in a place where we could let her out. So she stayed in, chased blowing leaves by running from window sill to window sill, sat by the doors and meowed to go out, always keeping the illusion of a cat who wanted to get out. There was one time when she escaped and went missing for 11 days. It was June 17, 2003. I was devastated. 11 nights later, as I walked home I heard her cry as she ran towards me, never so happy to see me. She’s been in ever since.

Bean and her brother Mr. Lou spent a year at my parents house when they were three years old. A and I could not have them at my new job (where we had to live on a college campus). During that time Bean managed to win my father over and destroy all of the framing around the door ways with her gymnastic routines - running and shimmying up the frame, climbing higher with every claw sunk in the wood. And my parents tolerated this… I managed to change the pet policy and our cats came to live with us the next year. And my parents began renovations on their house, which included all new door frames.

Mr. E arrived. Our ability to play with, let alone meet the minimal needs of our cats was pathetic. Mr. Lou was sick and we had to out him down with in weeks of Mr. E and Bean, well she got used to how things were. But she’d still pester us now and again. As we settled into life with our boy we were able to bring her back into the picture providing her with proper playing time, remembering to feed her, change her box, etc. And when we decided to move into my parent’s house, we decided we’d grant what seemed to be her life long dream of being an out door cat. Ideally she’d get her crazies out outside and just sleep indoors.

The first morning we were here A took her to be sure she was up on all her vaccinations. I wanted to wait a few days before letting her out so she would acclimate to her new home and be able to find her way back. And then she got a running start that ended at the top of a door frame. Out she went. She had no idea what hit her. She gingerly walked across the grass and literally circled the house, not straying more than two feet from the physical structure. And then she wanted to come back in.

She never asks to go out. Not even on the beautiful sunny days. (Ok, she’s so obsessed with us that once she asked to go out when A was outside walking Mr. E. And then we forgot she was out till after dark.) Other than that, she goes out when she’s bad, which is just about every morning. I know right when she’s gearing up for a climb and I will say “No Bean!” She’ll usually cry back and then do it.

A and I are flabbergasted that going outside is a punishment, when she’s spent almost seven years desperately trying to get outside. All this time I thought we were being so mean, forcing her to stay in, and now she likes it. In some ways I don’t blame here. She’s comfortable and all her needs are taken care of inside. But it’s still shocking given her behavior.

The grass is always greener. I think my cat is here to remind me of this.

As A says, “we’re on the sandbar.” It’s been a little more than a week since we managed to pack all our belongings (ok, most, we had to part with some items that would not fit) into a UHaul and drive away from the place we moved to five years ago, with every intention of setting down roots and raising a family. We were sad as we drove away, in separate vehicles, A with the over stuffed UHaul, me with the baby. We’ve made the same trip East, hundreds of time since moving there but I can’t describe the feeling of leaving it all behind. There are things we’ll miss, friends we’ll miss, places we’ll miss, but our lives here feel full in ways that kept coming up short there.

The whole process has been quite over-whelming. The week leading up to the move may go down as one of the most stressful. Ever. Let’s just say that together we experienced enough transitions to last a few years. In all there were only two melt downs (one for each of us) and our boy was perfect. Moving day, while always exhausting, went quickly when many of my co-workers and students and A’s former co-workers descended on us. Mr. E was bounced from person to person while our truck was loaded. And many helping hands meant our stuff was packed into the truck rather quick. My heart warmed having so many people show up to help us.

We spent an exhausting three days unpacking and getting set up, while also working through the emotions that come with such a transition. In the middle of those three days we attended an orientation for the church we planned on joining. Crazy? Yes. The orientations are only offered four times a year and are a required step in becoming a member. We want to have Mr. E dedicated (this is Unitarian Universalist for baptized) over the summer, and while we could have him dedicated without being members, my catholic guilt wouldn’t let me. Heck, what was one more thing in the middle of all we were doing?

By Sunday night A and I were unpacked and starting to feel somewhat normal. We are very comfortable in our new home, at my parent’s house (for those wondering, we passed on the condo. There are too many financial unkowns for us at this time). We have a good relationship with them and it’s very nice to have built in babysitters, support, and let’s not forget the hot tub! That was essential after moving boxes all weekend!

I started my part time job on Monday. I am working for my father helping to run his business. So far I’ve mostly been organizing the office (it’s a NIGHTMARE) and also have started looking into some really cool techy marketing tools. I love my job- you’ve NEVER heard me say that before! I love that it’s stress free, that it’s flexible and part time, and that it allows us to work my hours around A’s hours, thus avoiding daycare. And I am enjoying what I am doing. I mean, one project I am working on is kind of like blogging!

A started her job on Tuesday. She’s enjoying having structure again and has already begun networking with the elementary school principals. She left one meeting with the principal trying to create a part time job utilizing A’s experience working with English Language Learners. She needs to get her foot in the door some how and this would do it! Everything is just coming together for us in ways we never imagined possible.

Mr. E had a very difficult growth spurt last week. It was by far our worst night. He cried, no screamed all night, unless one of us was holding and bouncing him. A couple times we’d trick him into thinking we were standing and bouncing when really we were laying down and bouncing him while he laid across our chests. He never slept more than an hour like this. He wore himself out and finally went to sleep in his crib from 7-11am. The next couple of days he remained crabby, but now he’s back to his cheerful, mellow self. He’s loving having his cousins around all the time -he and J, who are five months apart are too cute together and so interested in each other.

It was a long process to get here, and we remain in a semi-permanent transitional period until A finds a teaching job and we’re able to buy a condo, but it’s all working so well and we have no regrets about our decision to move. We’re so happy to be able to raise Mr. E with family. And to be in a place where we already feel woven into the community in such a short time.

Its been one year since the IUI that worked! What an amazing year!

S & E are going through some really scary shit right now. No mother should spend the first days of their child’s life in such panic and fear. It’s just not fair.

We’re not doing elimination communication, not by any stretch of the imagination. But I swear, Mr. E poops almost every time we put him in the Bumbo seat! It’s almost like he wants us to being doing EC! Oy Vey.

So, uh, I joined.

And I am having a lot of fun with it.

If you know me and want to “be my friend,” let me know.